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Long distant relationship
I've been seeing this girl for about 5 months online. Before then, we did all kinds of stuff for about 9 months. I'm not completely sure how I feel about her.
Before I started seeing her, I was in a horrible relationship. I had those sparks you're supposed to have when you kiss, but that was about it. It became obvious that she was crazy and I was scarred from it ((convincing me to have unprotected sex after making me incredibly depressed, then saying she wants to get pregnant and doesn't care who the father is. Treating me poorly in public. Lying to me and several important things and lying about me. etc...)) She came onto me a couple of months ago and the sparks were gone.
Anyway, I saw the girl I'm seeing now for the first time last week. I kissed her and there weren't very many sparks. It was nice. For the longest time, I was worried that I simply wasn't attracted to her enough. Sure, I thought she was pretty, but I wasn't sure if that was enough. She stayed a week with me and left today. I wasn't sure how I felt about her, but I knew I cared for her more than anyone else.
After I got back from dropping her off at the airport, I noticed dishes that she left out and her bed was still unmade. I broke down into tears and have been crying off and on since. It wasn't just because she is gone, but that's what set it off. I'm not the type of guy who cries because my best friend leaves, so I think my feelings are far deeper than friendship.
I want to stay with her, but I'm afraid that I'll always be afraid of getting close. Other things scare me about the whole thing (We live 27 hours away from each other, she's only 17 and I'm 23) and probably contribute to my fears. But I cried so hard for her. Harder than I can remember ever crying before. It's more than friendship. Most of the time I'm comfortable with her in my arms.
I'm wondering if anyone else thinks the same. Is there no chemistry or am I still just scarred from my last horrid relationship? I should mention that she's the only girl that has gotten me to cum with a condom on. Sex seems to be great, but kissing is only just nice. I have plans to go to her house for a month this summer. I think I might love her, but I'm still confused. Is there any advice on how to deal with this situation.
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I'd say just be casual until your sure that she's what you want. Don't worry so much about it, I know thats hard to do but if you keep thinking about it so much you'll eventually convince yourself that she's to much trouble but thats not true, it's just you overthinking it. The sparks will come on their own. The distance can complicate things because you don't form that physical relationship the same way you do when your close and can actually see and touch each other all the time but those feelings are still there so it makes things a little akward when your are actually together. When and if you two can actually live closer it'll fix itself.
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Don't worry about the lack of sparks. Sparks
are not necessary for a good and loving
relationship. As far as feeling like the
kissing isn't that great, she probably
lacks a lot of experience you may have.
That could easily change over time.
Since I was married at 17 I do know that
some 17 year olds can be mature enough
for a relationship. She will do more
growing up and leaning & have changes
of opinion over time. That doesn't mean
she couldn't be the one for you.
I encourage you to visit her this summer.
If all goes well during the visit, you can
decide where to go from there. Try not to
compare her to past relationships. :)
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Take some time for yourself.
Are you afraid of getting close? Maybe, but there are other factors here that are making this relationship more difficult then it needs to be: The age and the distance.
The age and the distance are working against you building a new trust and confidence in your romantic choices. It is a bit like falling off a horse, and then deciding you should get right back on the meanest, nastiest, bunking bronco in the barn. Although starting to date again in a good idea, your choice in relationship is not setting you up for success.
Your choice to enter a long-distance relationship, with a high-school aged girl is not setting yourself up for renewed confidence and maturity. Long-distance relationship put a great deal of stress on trust and her being a teenager, no matter how mature and wonderful she might be, make communication an inevitable struggle. You are trying communicate across 6 years. That is still a lot.
Am I saying it is impossible that you care for her and have a happy relationship with her? No, not all. But be wise enough to call a spade a spade: The new relationship you have chosen for yourself is not as easy one or one that will quickly and simply provide you with new trust and confidence. It just isn�t set up that way.
It is not surprising you are struggling emotionally, given your history, and the fact this new relationship is a difficult one.
What you need to do is sit down with yourself and sort out your emotions as best you can. What negativity is coming from your past? What bad feelings are associated with the fact that this relationship is not an ideal arrangement? What negativity is coming from the fact that you are not sure of your feelings with her?
My advice to is as follows, but I am certain you will not follow it, and that is okay:
Date other people, casually and with a mind to extending your socail network and having some fun. Hang out with other people. Get a hobby and an interest outside of this long-distance girl and see what might develop. That will help you build your confidence AND decide if a �relationship� with the long-distance teen is really something you want to work at, or if the cons outweigh the pros or your interest just isn't there.
What you really need, if you can simply sort out your feelings at the moment, is some perspective and some change. That won�t happen if you just keep doing the same thing. You need to stop taking your 'relationships' quite so seriously and ease into new people to build confidence. (ie, ride the kiddies ponies for a bit, not the broncos.)
EDIT: Larry brings up a good point. Having sexual encounters with this girl could get you in trouble, but not in most states, only in a few select states: Arizona, California, Idaho and Wisconsin. If you, or she, live in one of those, you should absolute stop seeing her.
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First of all your already in trouble.That rape in most states.She's only 17.Let things cool for awhile or at least until she becomes of age.If you still want to have a relationship with this girl then try it again.All guys will go through the 'demon girl age'.There are plenty of them out there,that's for sure.psycho girls are in every town,city,or just around the corner.As for lasting romance,their not worth a hoot.They are great in the sack,can't get any better but they don't last and they are empty shells.You've been dumped on as most of us men have so there is nothing new there.I would just take it easy for awhile.At 23 its not like your on your death bed yet.You got plenty of time to get your life in order.Do that first and then when you do find that special someone,you'll be more ready to know what you want in a woman. April 1st.:Thank goodness you had me worried there for a minute.Most of these letters really don't give very much information to go on,so we have to make some guess work.Now that I see your legal I hope the best for you.I still think you should step back a little,don't rush into anything and what 17 year old makes the bed and cleans up after herself?(Before I get sock with this one,There always exceptions to the rule). By most standards shes still a kid.It will take time for her to get into some order.That may come later if she moves in with you.You said that she lives 27 hours away.It takes me 16 hours to travel 1,300 miles.Your talking almost coast to coast.That's a long ways.Have you thought about moving to her state for a closer relationship or have her come to where you are.Remember that if she comes out here,you have to take care of her.She would have given up her life to be with you.If your going to visit her this summer,you will probably get to make a better choice on this matter.The sex may be good now but you have to look farther down the road and wonder if she is the one for a life time commitment.I hate to see people come together and then whatever they had is gone.I wish you the best.
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