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Razhie. Advicenators Member Since: June 13, 2005. Answers: 5077. Visitors: 211514.
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The Question
hey razhie, hodw did you become a paid user?
how much do you get paid?
oh and hi =]
lol
The Answer
I'm not paid.
I paid a very small donation to support the site at one point.
You can donate and become a paid user at this link:
http://www.advicenators.com/paidaccounts.php
Hi.
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The Question
I'm 16/f and ever since my older sister hit her teen years she has been driving me nuts. She is now 20 years old, and she is still driving me crazy, but now to the point where I wouldn't mind punching her in the face. I'm a VERY civil person, where if someone annoys me, it's easy to ignore. But, unlike my sister, I don't know any other person, and their reason for making me wanna put a gun in my mouth is a reason that I don't know them. However my sister just thinks that everyone was put on this earth to serve her. If you do something or say something that she agrees with, it's not hard to get along with her. But, if you do something that's an inconveneince to her than "you-know-what" hits the fan. Just yesterday I was so close to punching her in the face, because she was flipping out over a TV show. A TV SHOW! TV! I'm sorry, but I refuse to put up with this anymore. I'm tired of worrying that everything I say will upset her, then I have to deal with how "I'm wrong." "I'm younger so I have no clue what I'm talking about."
So... long story short. She's inmature, I'm tired, I want to hit her, and I want to make this stop. How do I do it?
Thanks
The Answer
You didn't actually outline what the problem is… you labeled her as immature and bossy, but that isn’t ‘the problem’, that is your opinion of her personality… so I can't really give you specific advice on how to fix her personality.
But frankly, you can't make her stop. So you better get a hold of yourself and change your reaction to this.
Don't hit her. Stop letting this get to you.
You know that is the correct response.
To help yourself do this, recognize that there are something you are allowed to 'refuse to put up with'.
Yelling, name-calling or hitting are not okay. You shouldn't do it her, ever. If she starts to treat you that way, the best thing to do is say "I'm not comfortable. I need to stop having this conversation now."
Don't make it about HER. You aren't the authority on her. Calling her names and labeling her is not going to help you two to communicate. She isn’t going to listen to you any more then you are going to listen to her. So talk only about yourself. Use statements that start with 'I'.
I don't like it when you yell.
I don't want to have this conversation.
I am going to leave if I'm being called names.
Then practice your thick skin. There is no reason at your age, for a sibling’s remarks about you being wrong and younger should have any effect on you. You can be bigger then that. In fact you should be.
Again, don't make it about HER. It's about you.
I don't think I am wrong.
I am younger, but I don't think that matters on this issue.
I hear what you are saying, but I don't agree.
You are going to have to pull yourself together and be a bit stronger. When it comes to close relationships, it’s the person who is the most unhappy who has to make the change before anyone else will bother too. Until you change your response to her, she’ll just keep doing the same things.
Of course I’ll add the obvious advice of ‘talk to her’ but when a relationship is this polarized, often more effective then talking is simply change.
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The Question
are the questions here anonymous?
do they know which user was asking the question?
this guy said he KNOWS that "from my past questions.. "
how would he know?
The Answer
That guy was DangerNerd, and he owns this site.
Questions are anonymous.
There are very few upper-level moderators, less then 5 of them I believe, who can see all your details. The need to be able to do this to moderate the site and deal with abuse.
DangerNerd is one of those people, since he owns and opperates Advicenators. He knows all.
Paid users can also see the questions you've asked before, and the age you entered when you registered, but nothing about your account or username. I am a paid user, so I could see who 'that guy' was.
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The Question
I live in Alabama. I'm from Finland, where I am to return in a month. The thing is, I have been dating this handsome guy. Few days ago we got tipsy and were joking around about him giving it to me, but we weren't that serious. But now I think I am serious, can't stop thinking about it and can't decide whether or not it is a good thing. Oh, and here comes the best part; I turn 16 in October. He's 17 going on 18. It would be a good memory from America, because Finnish guys are even more assholish than American guys are (yes, it is possible). I know he's desperate and I am starting to become like that too. I want him so bad! My best friend in Finland would think I would be slutty but my heart would otherwise hate me for the rest of my life because my heart wants to bang this guy, and I don't care if I'd have a reputation in Alabama (who really would care about that?). I care about having a reputation in Finland, and that's what you get if you have sex when you want to. I don't know, what do you think I should do? Sorry about the enormous lenght of the question, I'm a storyteller. Thank you.
The Answer
My vote is that it would be a bad idea.
Sex, especially for the first time, opens you up to a whole bunch of new feelings. It can make you very emotionally vulnerable to another person (not to mention the physical vulnerabilities of STDs and pregnancy) and it’s really helpful to have a person, especially your first time, be there to support you through the emotional aftermath of it. Friends with benefits and one-night-stands, are not so great ideas when adults with sexual history and emotional experience and vocabularies do them. They are plain bad ideas when inexperienced people try them out.
My second reason for saying this, and I truly don't mean this as an insult, but you couldn't even bring yourself to just type SEX! You kept saying 'give it me'. Can you see how that is kind of silly? Any time I see someone not even able to type the words, it’s a pretty safe bet they shouldn’t be doing the deed.
It’s not about what other people think. Screw them. It’s about what’s best for you, and fucking and leaving at sixteen is definitely not best.
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The Question
I am a 22 year old female. I have been with my boyfriend for 2 and a half years and everything in our relationship is good except he has a problem with my sexuality. It is REALLY hurting the relationship. I feel as if sex is more of a chore then anything else. We still have sex a good amount, but not as often as he would like. And he knows I do not enjoy it (dispite my acting haha). It's not that sex feels bad or anything, it actually just doesn't feel like anything at all. I can enjoy myself sexually by myself, but have never really gotten pleasure out of sex with any of my partners in my life. Maybe I am masterbating wrong, therefore my boyfriend cannot get me excited? I know that I am supposed to tell my partner what feels good to me, but I don't even know where to start. Nothing really feels that good.
This problem has really been wearing down on me and my relationship lately and I could really use the advice. Thank you for your time!!
The Answer
First off, this isn't a problem with YOU, this is a problem for the both of you. He could just as easily be asking this question and complaining that his sex drive is too high... the only reason he isn't is because of cultural norms. Our culture has spent years telling women we owe men sex... Although it’s true we owe all our partners compromise and respect for their needs, you don’t owe anyone sex.
So cut yourself some slack, it's not your fault, anymore then having red hair when he prefers blondes would be your fault. It just is.
All right, so first off, obvious solution:
SHOW him how you masturbate. Let him watch. Guide his hands. Let him hold well you do.
I know it sound bizarre, but if 'telling' him what to do seems so weird to you, then show him.
Yes, you'll feel really, really awkward at first, but it will help.
Secondly, do you read erotica or watch porn? They are both ridiculous and have little to do with reality, however, if you are in a rut creatively, they might give you some ideas of what is attractive to you and what ideas get you going.
You will probably ALWAYS have a lower sex drive then he does, and if the relationship is going to last he has to be okay with that, and you need to stop blaming yourself for it. But at least before you start resigning yourself to the status quo; get creative about instructing him and seeing if anything strikes your interest or curiosity sexually.
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The Question
My fiance recently started going to see a therapist for anger management. The therapist has now told him he shouldnt be around people at this moment in time, and he shouldnt work so wants him to take incapacity benefit. he also thinks we should have a break. My fiance told me this 4 days after the session. im very upset but said for his sake i will move out for a while, and he agreed. then the next day he is mad at me for being upset( by upset im down not crying.. im trying not to show the fact i wanna cry), and says he doesnt want me to move out...which then makes me think what type of game is he playing? the therapist also says he over eats to punish himself... he tells me all this while eating junk food...even though i tell him he knows it isnt good for him. it seems as if even junk food is more important than me. Im confused and upset. i thought everything was fine, its just a huge bombshell. i really need some advice i have no one i can talk to. Im 20 and female and we have been together for 4 years and living together for 3years.
The Answer
You are confused and upset, and you have every right to be.
But look at it this way: If he is the type of person who needs therapy for his anger management, tells you to move out and then takes it back, and then blames you for feeling a bit down about that... maybe his therapist is on to something.
I will tell you this much: It would be very irresponsible for a therapist to suggest such a major life-change to him unless that therapist thought there was a risk of violence, either to you, others or himself. Seriously. Therapists do not haphazardly suggest changing everything about your life unless there is a risk of serious harm to yourself or those around you. I feel you must be leaving out some rather important details about your fiancés behavior in this question.
You met this guy when you were 16, and moved in with him at 17? Try and look at this as a very valuable learning experience. It’s important for every person to know deep down that they can take care of themselves and be independent. It sounds like you never quite got the chance to develop that confidence. It’s a great thing for you personally, and it might be a great thing for him as well.
By all means, get more information from your boyfriend about WHY his therapist feels this is the right choice. You might even ask if you and him and the therapist can all have a meting together so you can be confident that you are taking advice from a competent and caring person.
But in the end, what you really need right now is the knowledge that one way or another, you’ll be okay. So accept that moving out is a valid option, and in some ways, even a gift.
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The Question
i totally hate my moms boyfriend right now. he acts like he is totally irritated with me. and he thinks i talk behind his back one time coming from the bathroom when i was singing this amy winehouse song he thought i was saying something bad to him. i am like no i wasnt. then i heard him like called me a bitch before and i totally had heard it. like right in your face. he really likes to belittle the shit out of me and i dont get why. i tottaly just hate it when i see them making love in the living room so maybe thats why he hears me talk. that fucker he should have taken her the fuck home then. i dont get why i should be the one to blame on this because i dont get why when they do it they always stays here and he knows i am awake and going out of my bed room. ah he is irritating as hell.
The Answer
It your mom's home hun, that means she gets to have guests over, and yes, sleep with her boyfriend.
It would be perfectly fair of you to ask YOUR MOM (not him) to refrain from having sex in the living room. That simply isn't very polite. Ask her nicely to respect the fact that's a shared space. If she has a private room (ie, a bedroom) she should be using it for that activity.
If your definition of 'making love' was just petting and kissing, then you need to just get over it. She is an adult, and allowed to make out in the living room of the house see owns.
As for the rest… Have you called him names and talked nasty about him? Honestly, have you? It sounds like you probably have, and even though that doesn't make his behavior at all okay, it only makes the situation worse and means you can’t really do much about it until you correct yourself.
The way to deal with an adult, who is acting like a child, is to be more mature then they are. That means:
NO INSULTING HIM.
NO YELLING OR SHOUTING.
NO BEING RUDE TO HIM.
NO NAME CALLING.
NO SMART ASS REMARKS.
Go ahead and vent to your friends, but be respectful to him, and to your mother when you speak about him.
In order to really show a person how bad their behavior is, you need to behave perfectly.
This way, the next time he accuses you of talking about him you can say (and have it be true!) "No. I wasn't talking about you."
Repeat as necessary. Repeat calmly. For as long as he accuses you say, and ONLY SAY "No, sorry, you misheard or misunderstood. I wasn't talking about you." Don’t respond to anything else he might try to come up with, about the past or other things. Just stick to your message.
Same approach if he is belittling you. Resist the temptation to argue with him and defend yourself. Just say "I don't think that is true and it hurts me that you would say it."
REPEAT, REPEAT, REPEAT. No matter what nastiness he comes up with, repeat your simple stance: You don't agree with his opinion of you, and it is hurting you.
If you can do these two things calmly and respectfully, even as he tries to make you respond and even as he yells and bitches, two things will start to happen: First off, he will start feeling like a fool. Second, your mother will probably start to defend you when she sees you not defending yourself. As long as you do a good job of fighting with him by yourself, she won’t be bothered to help you out. Once you stop fighting, maternal instincts will probably rear their ugly head. No mom wants to see their child picked on.
After a week or two of treating him this way, of being respectful to him and calm no matter what he says, then you can sit your mom down, and let her know how you feel.
Even during that conversation, the rules still apply. Don’t call him names and don’t be disrespectful. Just explain what it is that bothers you. Tell your mom that hurts you when he makes fun of you and it hurts you when he accuses you. Tell her you are trying to be nice and respectful but it’s very difficult. Talk to her about how to approach him, and ask her if she will talk to him about treating you with more respect.
Your mom will be a lot more willing to hear this, if you behaved yourself for a while and put in a real effort to be respectful to him.
DON’T tell her she can’t have him over. She is entitled too.
DO ask her to respect the space that she shares with you, and to try and not do things that make you really uncomfortable (like fucking in the living room).
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The Question
14/F
Everybody knows how guys look at lesbian things, right? Like, playgirl or something? People consider that normal for a guy or whatever. Well, what about a girl who looks a gay guy things? See, I have met a lot of gay men in my 14 years of life. They're really nice to talk to and interesting to hang out with. Just recently, I discovered, yes only just discovered, that there is such thing as yaoi, Japanese for gay porn.
Well, I was flipping through pictures of anime yaoi. You know, because it's techincally not as GRAPHIC as the normal kind of stuff... ANYWAY, I found an interest in writing the yaoi for homosexual friends of mine. I got very good reviews on the stories so far and it makes them feel good knowing that somebody out there actually enjoys their... Interests, I guess is the word? Well, some people disagree with it. I don't mind. ^^ Also, I was just wondering, is it considered a bad thing that I am interested in this 'gay' stuff? I mean, I never thought of it as bad until a friend of mind said so. Please help me with this. ^^;
-Cheesecake
The Answer
Unless you have some moral issue with homosexuality or erotica, then no, it's not bad.
Or, to answer the question I think you meant to ask, it's perfectly normal and it doesn't make you some sort of sexual deviant.
In fact, in Japan it's generally accepted that the main audience for yaoi and m/m slash is not gay men, its straight women.
Do yourself some quick google searched for yaoi fandom’s and you will find out you are far from alone. Girls like yaoi for the same reason guys like yuri and lesbian porn. Seeing two of what we are attracted too, rather then just one of what we are attracted too, it simply a bonus. It's exotic and interesting. It’s spying some something we can never participate in. There are a lot of reasons it’s appealing to us.
However, don't kid yourself: its still pornography. Its still erotic images. It's not 'less graphic' it is just a different kind of graphic. Be honest with yourself about what it is and you'll be in a better place to accept it.
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The Question
ok so my name is gina and i am 15 and im in lovee with a guy who is 19. our families have been friends since we were born, so we've known eachother for a long time. when i was little, i had a hugee crush on him. and around two years ago, i had a huge crush on him. as the years went on i knew that we would never be together and i started getting over him. but we just went on vacation together about a week ago. his family and my family. and all of those hidden mixed emotions came back. and now i have a huge crush on him once again! haha. but i don't know if he knows that i have a huge crush on him or if he's having mixed emotions like i am. because, well we text, like all the time! sometimes i start it and sometimes he does. well the day that we were leaving vacation, i texted him, asking him how his trip back is and i was being all friendly and stuff. but he never texted back, and my phone said that he did receive it. at first, it was no big deal. but just yesterday i texted him again, and i was like "hey, i miss vacation soo much! don't you?!" i was being nice and friendly. soo here's how he responded "yep." thats it! i don't know if i should give up on him or take a chance. and i dont know if hes mad at me and if so, should i ask him if he's mad at me? please someone give me advice! i dont know ifs he into me, or if hes just being nice. i mean he flirts with me all the time! and we text a lot too! but i seriously don't know if something made him hate me or mad at me. and i dont know if i should text him and ask him if he's mad at me! well obviously as you all see, i am veryyy mixed up! so please help me!
The Answer
Take a deep breath, and leave it alone for a few weeks.
If he hasn't texted you by then, give him an actual phone call, and ask him if he is okay, busy, upset or whatever.
Texting is completely impersonal! Texting alone will not evolve into a relationship.
It's an easy and cowardly form of communication and frankly, a slightly annoying one. NEVER try to discuss anything serious over a text message. Not only will it take forever and probably be misunderstood, it makes you seem like a chicken-shit who can’t handle a real conversation. If you really want to connect with someone, call them up and actually TALK.
You can't guess what a person is thinking for a few lines of text. Don't even try. It's just impossible.
If you really want to know what is on someone's mind, you'll just have to be a bit braver then that.
So, to spell it right out: do NOT text him and ask if he is mad. That seems pitiful and desperate. Let it go for a while and if he doesn't connect with you, connect with him after a long enough time that your concern would actually seem rational, instead of silly.
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The Question
Hey, The Names Ellie and Im quite concerned at the moment. :). I posted this in another section and ddint get much help from it apart from one person but still I have some questions unanswered:) I recently started taking the pill, took it for four days and didn't realize you weren't covered from the first day. I had unprotected sex with my partner, I got concerned, and never let him finish. But I have heard stories of Precum - etc etc. I knew Id been stupid so I went and got the morning after pill and took it 6-8 hours after sex where the nurse told me that I hadn't been covered (and now I know the rules of the pill) I discontinued use afterwards as I trust condoms much better. I wasn't sick after I took the pill, and I bled for two days after. Its been a month and a bit now, and I still haven't got my period, though I bled yesterday lightly for about an hour - could someone advise me as to whether I should worry or not:)? and whats happening:)? Thank you very much:). Help much appreciated:D x x x
The Answer
It is unlikely that you are pregnant.
The morning after pill is very effective when taken so quickly.
It is more likely that between the birth control and the morning after pill, your body is rather hormonally confused and not certian what it should be doing.
If it's been more then six weeks, it wouldn't be a bad idea to go back to a doctor, but you are likely fine.
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The Question
|16,F|
Ok so i was with this boy for a total of a little over 2 years kinda on and off. When we were about 7 months into the relationship he cheated on me and I took him back really quick. I felt like I couldnt be without him. We were together for a while when I went through his email and found emails from these girls. He had been talking to girls on the internet |not from his school, the one from the dirty websites| I told him the next time I found something like that it was over. Well he ended up doing it 3 or so more times. And everytime I took him back. Then almost 2 months ago we breakup for like a day and get back together. And I find out he was telling this girl that he wanted to be with her. He claimed he talked to her the one day we were not together, but you dont get those feelings in a day. We break up and this time I really don't want to be with him anymore. He begged and begged and I said no. It got to the point where he tried to kill himself 2 times. Everyone tells me I'm being mean because I wont talk to him or be his friend. He hurt me very badly. It was like 2 years of lies with him. What do you guys think? Am I being too mean?
The Answer
Who are these idiots who are calling you mean?
No! You aren't being 'too mean'.
It's not your responsibility to stay in a relationship with someone who cheats, over and over again. No one on the planet has any right to expect that of you.
And I wouldn't want to be such a person's friend either.
It's HIS job not to be suicidal and the job of those who love him to look out for him. It's not your job. His mental health is not your problem.
Anyone who tells you that you are responsible for him, and you must choose to be miserable to keep him from behaving like a dink, can be firmly told that they are wrong, and to mind their own business.
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The Question
im a graduated seinor moving on to a college. i got a job, a good job paying 10 dallors an hour. im supose to start on wensday. now all i can think is im going to be working till 11 at night and starting classes at like 6 in the morning if not earlier, i have to go full time or i dont get any money to pay for it, then i have to go to work full time. i have really bad anxiety and stress problems and i do not want to take pills for it, my boy friend was always there to help me with it, which worked for a really long time, now i wont have any time for that or even to study... if i dont work i cant drive to the college. but i need school.. i dont know what to do or how im going to manage my time. i was always full time high school and college courses, but i cant study at work, i dotn want to fail college. i have to be able to transfer to a four year university. what do i do what should be my priorities? am i going to fall apart and lose everything? i just need soem adivce and help. thanks in advance
The Answer
First off, take your medication.
Seriously. I took mine; it made things bearable when I thought they wouldn't be. If your medication has unpleasant side-effects or otherwise isn’t working for you, go back to your doctor and ask them for a different type. There are dozens. Try them on like shoes until you find one that fits.
I have anxiety and I would be dead, six feet under the ground DEAD, if it weren't for my medication.
If you truly wish to succeed that is one, very easy, way to help yourself. Take your medication as directed. Don’t self-sabotage.
PANIC creates more PANIC. So stop panicking. Do whatever it takes to calm yourself down. Take deep, long breaths. Take a long bath. Take a nap. Drink tea… whatever does it for you. Then sit down with your work calendar and your school calendar and start to figure it out. If you can’t figure it out, enlist the help of someone you trust to help you work through your stress and really get this shit down on paper.
Or even better, go to a counselor at your college and enlist their help. They can be phenomenally helpful in teaching you to balance this stress and sometimes, in assisting you with dealing with.
I promise you, if you sit around and stress about this, it will only get worse. If you tell yourself that it is impossible to do and you are going to fail, then you are going to fail. If you can’t find the solution yourself, find someone who can help you talk through it.
And for Christ’s sake, give your medication a fair try. It can save lives. It can make lives worth living. It’s part of being responsible. Accept it. Try it.
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The Question
Okay, so one of my friends, lets call her Jamie, is always making fun of my dislexia (and for those of you who dont know, dislexia is a learning disability that, for me, pervents me from reading and writing well).
She always laughs at me when I miss spell a easy word, or cant read a easy word. I also studder when I talk, which she makes fun of.
When i try to defend myself and bring up the fact that im getting strate A's, she brings up the fact that i can only write at a 4th grade level and have to type everything because my handwriting is unreadable.
Anytime i tell her to stop, she tells me to relax and that its just a joke. What should i do?
13/f
The Answer
Talk to her privately and tell her it's not just a joke to you. It really hurts and it's not nice.
Tell her that friends have to respect eachothers opinion and not hurt eachother, even when they think it's not big deal. It IS a big deal to you, so she needs to stop.
Be calm, be straightforward and be honest. Once you express yourself to her privately, instead of in a group where she feels like she needs to defend herself, she should stop.
If she doesn't stop after that, then you might want to consider not calling her a friend.
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The Question
Okay, so I'm probably going to sound like a complete freak here, so this probably should be in the category 'Random weirdos' but anyways, lately I've been finding myself breathing funny, like I'll think about breathing and then after that, I have to keep concentrating on breathing or else I'll start to psych myself out and think I'm going to lose my breath. I don't think I have asthma, I've never been diagnosed with it and I don't know if it has anything to do with my tonsils because sometimes they feel like they're getting in the way but I don't know. I just hate feeling like I might stop breathing at any second. Should I seek medical attention?
Help me please!!
Thanks!
The Answer
Yes. If you are nervous about your breathing or airway it would be a good idea to get it checked out.
It could be asthma, it could be allergies, it could be smog or pollution related, or like someone else suggested, you could be anxious. You wont know which of these issue it is until you get checked out by a doctor. So get to it :D
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The Question
hi Razhie, I am really scared. I have been getting my period for about 1-2 years now, and its wierd. I started out heavy and like ended by 6 days. Now, I get it for only 3 or 4 days and its very light. This month I got it on the 2nd to the 4th and it was very light. BUT I just got it again today (the 25th) and I am really scarred! Is it normal to get it twice a month? PLEASE HELP! I am very insecure and I cannot talk to my parents about this or sister. thanks so much!!!!
The Answer
I’m confused… this didn’t appear into my inbox until right now. So sorry for the delay.
You didn't mention if you are using any hormonal birth control, so I'm going to assume you aren't. If you are taking the pill, or getting the shot or anything like that, stop taking it, and go back to your doctor and follow up on that.
But if you aren't, relax. There are a whole bunch of things that could cause this. Change in diet, exercising differently, the heat in the summer… any of these things could cause lighter periods, and spotting.
When you bleed between periods, it’s not your period. It’s called spotting and it’s simply loose or left over blood breaking free. It’s not a big deal. Sometimes you body doesn’t discard all the blood at once.
The only time you need to be worried is if you are getting two or more heavy bleeds within a month, having rather constant bleeding, if you are in unusual pain OR if you are feeling faint/feverish or otherwise ill.
If all that is happening is that you are leaking a bit of extra blood, you are probably just fine.
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The Question
Me and my mother were in the mall the other day and we went into Hot Topic, And you know those little sex shirts that they have, well my mom bought one!, ya and she is over wight so it was kind of gross, But that was not the worse part, then i hear her and my step father haveing sex, for the theird time! one tims my friend was over to! My problem is that when ever i talk or see them its like mad awkward, i cant help but want to say whats your problem or mom how was your night? how to I handle this?? And i dont really like the way my mother is buying clothes that I should eb wearing not her. what do i do??
The Answer
Gross as it is, she has every right to buy those clothes and have sex with your step-dad. ;) She really does.
Do NOT tell her how to dress. Seriously. I can't even believe other people suggested that. You can make suggestions when you are out shopping and you can compliment her when she wears something you approve of, but you are the kid and she is the adult. She can tell you how to dress, you don't get to tell her.
What you can tell her is that you'd appreciate if she wouldn't wear the shirt when she is out with you 'cause you find it awkward. Don't bully or nag or embarrass her. Don't tell her that she isn't allowed or that it's not made for her. She is allowed, and I promise you the people who made it don't give a damn who wears it as long as they got paid. SO, take all the blame for the situation, like this "I know Mom, it shouldn't bother me and you can wear whatever you want, but it DOES bother me anyways so could you do me the favor of not wearing it when I'm around?"
Similar deal with the sex. They are going to have sex. They are going to enjoy it and sometimes, you are going to hear it. That is just a fact of life and living with other people. However, it's not unfair of you to say 'Hey mom, it's totally embarrassing when my friends hear you have sex, could you please not do that when I have people over."
She might not even know that they are that loud, and be quite embarrassed herself about it.
Nothing is going to change unless you talk about it. So, steel yourself and collect your courage and just get it out their in a friendly and respectful way. Remember that she is adult and she entitled to dress the way she wants and have sex when she wants, so what you asking her to do is respect your teenage insecurities and do you a favor to help you feel comfortable. If you phrase them as favors and requests rather then complaining or insulting her, she'll be more likely to change.
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The Question
hello! i'm a 15 year old girl and i cut myself, not all the time, but just whenever. i don't even have to be really depressed to do it, just in the mood for it. i've been cutting since i was 14, and a bunch of my friends think it's gross. my problem is this: i can't find a reason to stop. it helps me with my problems, and i'm not trying to commit suicide (no wrists). the way i see it, i would rather cut than do drugs, drink or smoke, and cutting makes me happier. otherwise, i'm a good B-average student and athletcially involved. i write a lot. so why is cutting so bad? it's my personally choice, and it helps me. i just can't see the cons...
The Answer
It should set off some alarm bells in your head that people make the exact same arguments about smoking weed or having an eating disorder.
'It doesn't affect anyone but me! And I'm otherwise okay right?! So fuck off it's my constitutional right to fuck myself up!'
Self-harm, in any sense, is evidence of an unhealthy state of mind. Mentally sound people simply don't hurt themselves. They have little to no desire to do so.
The worst part, as I see it, is you aren't even doing this when you are depressed, just whenever. That means it's a habit, possibly an obsessive one, and that you are likely addicted to the endorphins that are released.
Endorphins. You know that is why cutting feels good right?
Your brain released endorphins to help deal with the pain. It’s a natural high. You are doping yourself, naturally, but still altering your brain chemistry for pleasure.
That is why cutting becomes a compulsive behavior. Your brain begins to crave those endorphins.
Compulsive behaviors and addictions don’t just flat line; they escalate, because sooner or later it will take more pain for your brain to get the endorphins it wants.
That is why it’s not okay. It’s not okay because it is compulsive and screwing with your brains natural functions. It’s not okay because we know, scientifically, that your self-harm behavior is probably going to get worse.
You need to learn to express your pain, and to get pleasure, from behaviors that are NOT compulsive and don’t result in a high. It’s as simple as that.
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The Question
15/f
I really don't like my mom's boyfriend! He's been around for about a year now, and at first I really hated him, mainly cause my mom always spent time with him and not me. When i decide to "open up" and tell my mom, she ended up breaking up with him and making me feel REALLY guilty. So i got his number, called him, and told him to come back because it was all a misunderstanding and my mom needed him. That was about a year ago, and i kind of pushed my feelings aside to make my mom happy and kind of got over it. But now, it's starting to bother me again. He doesn't even technially live here, but he's ALWAYS here. ALWAYS. I can't ever be with my mom alone anymore because he's always with her. They go together everwhere pretty much and it seems like i can't go anywhere in my house wihtouot him being there. He is also very annoying in so many little ways and awkward to be around. It's annoying too because my mom is always os busy with online classes, so if i have to go somewhere, she tells him to take me...and i HATE having to be in the car with him and him taking me places. I don't know what to do..because I know he makes my mom happy, and if I told her, i know she would end it with him, and would be so depressed. I know i'm so selfish...my mom deserves a good guy, and i shouldn't get in the way. but what should i do??? it's making me so unhappy...but i can't EVER let my mom know, because it would kill her to know i'm not happy and it would really ruin not only her relationship with him, but me as well..i'm not sure if she would ever forgive me. So..should I just try as hard as i can to avoid him or consider telling my mom??
The Answer
None of this is your fault.
You are the kid, and she the adult. You shared your emotions with her, which was right and good of you. She then chooses to break up with the guy and childishly blame you and hold you responsible for HER choice.
That was her, choosing a bad way to deal with the feelings you had honestly expressed. That was very, very wrong of her. You ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR HER RELATIONSHIP. You are her child. Her love-life is not your job.
I'm actually really quite angry as a type this, because it's disgusting to me that your mother would let you believe that it's your job to maintain or destroy her romantic relationship. That is something she needs to deal with as an adult, not something she should be pinning on you.
You are right that she deserves a good guy, but you also deserve a mom you can speak openly with. You deserve a mother who can take responsibly for her own choices and not let her teenage daughter dictate her life, and then blame that child, when things aren’t great.
Stop feeling so guilty. Start feeling a little angry. You’ve been treated unfairly.
However, your mom is probably not going to change. So, we need to think of ways to communicate this problem that will keep her from behaving badly.
Start small and with the real problem: You want more time with her.
Even if you loved her boyfriend, you’d still want more time with her. Let her know that between her boyfriend being over and her schoolwork that you feel like you have no time with her. Ask her if you can have an evening together to have diner, eat junkfood, play a game or watch a movie. It’s a fair request, and you can probably phrase it so that it will flatter her, rather then worry her. This will solve both of your problems. It will get this guy the hell out of your hair for a while, and it will give you some fun time with your mom.
As for him always being around, yes, do avoid him. You are fair to say to him and your mom that he should give you some space in your own home and not always be knocking on your door or trying to talk to you. Even saying something so simple as ‘Look, I had a long at school and right now I just want to be alone.’ might help him get the message to back off.
Personally, I think young teens should always be grateful for rides, but being grateful doesn’t mean it has to be ‘bonding time’ for you and him. Tell him gently that you just don’t feel like talking right then, or better yet, turn on the radio and just enjoy whatever mindless noise he wants.
There should be a way for you to express your unhappiness honestly without ruining your mom’s life. Her life is her problem. Even if you do say something, and she never forgives you, that is her fuck-up. Forgive yourself. As long as you are civil and polite, you have every right to not like her boyfriend, and she has every right to date him anyways. If they break up agian, remind yourself that it is her choice, and don't get involved.
Her relationship = Not your responsibility.
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The Question
Hey, my question is pretty simple. I wrote a poem a few months back totaling 6 stanzas. I think it turned out pretty OK, and I've received good feedback. The only problem is, the order the stanzas are in (the order I wrote it in) don't seem to fit, at least in my opinion.
I'm looking for opinions on basically what order you think they should go in. I guess using numbers to represent stanzas for the order it's now would be the easiest.
http://assuager.deviantart.com/art/Six-Emotions-in-a-Hospital-91565422
Thanks for any advice/feedback/whatever.
The Answer
I really tried to work out a sensible order for this poem, but the reason I can’t, and I imagine the reason you are having trouble doing anything but arbitrarily putting it in an order is because it isn’t clear what the poem is trying to achieve, or what individual stanzas are trying to achieve.
If the title is literal, then I might assume each stanza is examining an emotion, but I can’t really tell which emotion you are going for in each case. I have a hunch with some of the stanzas, but number 3 for instance, I have no damn clue. Hope? Ignorance? Despair? Its okay that I can't tell exactly, but you should know, and that should help you find an order.
I’m happy to take your poem line by line and let you know what is working, and what isn’t in my mind, but I can’t put it in order until I understand what it is that it is trying to achieve, and frankly, I don’t know. They are wonderful little character sketches, but there is no reason for them to be put together in a poem unless you are trying to achieve something with the whole.
My advice to you in a nut-shell:
RE-WRITE, RE-WRITE, RE-WRITE.
Keep re-writing until the stanzas show you a sensible order.
With each line, think of how you can evoke an emotion, instead of informing your reader they should have that emotion. There are a few places where you do this quite well, but most of the time, you tell a reader what they should be feeling, rather then showing them or evoking the feeling.
Decide how you are going to use punctuation. Sometimes you use periods and commas, and sometimes you don’t. Capitalizing every first word, even when the sentence is continuing from the previous line, breaks the flow. That is a very effective tool when you want to disrupt the flow of the words, but simply distracting to the reader when you don’t intend to.
ELIMINATE unnecessary words! Meaningless words are the enemy in poetry. People don’t speak in full sentences and most of the great poets were constantly ignoring the grade-school rules about forming a full thought because that is a good way to help a person get into the poem emotionally, rather then having them read it as they would a text book.
Take another look at ALL of your descriptions of people and their actions. Some of them are very awkward. The idea of a mature, professional woman ‘stroking’ a bottle is awkward to me, even young women rarely stroke anything on their own body, the word evokes sensuality more then longing or fatigue. Your nurse isn’t overweight or large in any sense until the line before she leaves, you describe her only as middle-aged and fatigued, so I initially thought the overweight nurse was a different person. The phrase ‘more and more loose’ is just, really weird to say out loud and uncomfortable to read. Your man drinks down his pills without his bed ever getting propped up, which would be totally fine if you didn’t write things so literally in full sentences. If you started to leave out other actions and words that do no support the poems message, I wouldn’t care or notice that you didn’t tell me his bed got propped up.
Send me a message in my inbox if you'd like anything else. It's a solid skeleton of a poem; it just hasn't got all it's vitals in the right place yet.
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The Question
About a month ago I began dating this guy. He is five years older than I am and has a little girl. But he never got married to the mother of his child. He says that him and this other girl are over for good. He says that I am always on his mind and that he doesn't know what he would do without me. He also asks me why and how can I love someone who has the problems he has especially when I could go out and get any guy my age. The truth is I don't know. This guy is always on my mind. I even dream about him at night. Now I am not the type of girl who thinks about guys before I met this guy I was extremely focused on my career. He helps me focus on my career and he never wants me to stop going to school just because of him. He is extremely suppotive. I feel like I am inlove with him, but I just can't see how I could fall inlove with someone and want to spend the rest of my life with them after dating or just a little over a month. I never believed that this could happen. So do I truly love him, and does he truly love me?
love troubles
The Answer
You are in the extremely early stages of this relationship, and I get the feeling from your question, that your spidey-sense is tingling and telling you all is not quite right here.
I agree with your spidey-sense.
Frankly, some of the self-deprecating remarks he is making, and the way he searching for 'answers' about why you would choose him, really concerns me. That is the behavior of a deeply insecure person, and that kind of insecurity can lead to manipulation. The age difference, especially since you say you are young enough to still be in school, also makes manipulation more likely.
I'm not saying that I think he's a bad, bad person. I don't think that at all. I just think you have real reasons here to question the pace at which this is going.
Do you truly love each other? You might, but I sincerely doubt it. You are still in the infatuation stage, which is a lot of fun! You are obsessed with each other the way a child can be obsessed with a new toy. There isn't anything wrong with that, but infatuation and obsession isn’t love. It CAN’T be love. You will only end up disappointed and hurt.
When men I have dated for less then a month, start throwing around the L word, I dump them. They aren’t in touch with reality enough for me and they are in rush to fall in love. I really dislike that.
Slow down. You sound like this kind of relationship is a really new thing for you so give yourself some time to get comfortable in this and don't rush or say things you are not sure you mean.
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