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I do not enjoy having sex
I am a 22 year old female. I have been with my boyfriend for 2 and a half years and everything in our relationship is good except he has a problem with my sexuality. It is REALLY hurting the relationship. I feel as if sex is more of a chore then anything else. We still have sex a good amount, but not as often as he would like. And he knows I do not enjoy it (dispite my acting haha). It's not that sex feels bad or anything, it actually just doesn't feel like anything at all. I can enjoy myself sexually by myself, but have never really gotten pleasure out of sex with any of my partners in my life. Maybe I am masterbating wrong, therefore my boyfriend cannot get me excited? I know that I am supposed to tell my partner what feels good to me, but I don't even know where to start. Nothing really feels that good.
This problem has really been wearing down on me and my relationship lately and I could really use the advice. Thank you for your time!!
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Maybe give some free advice about: Love Life?
First off, you need to talk to your boyfriend. I had to go through this same discussion (twice) with mine. Basically, he seems to feel that if he wants sex, you should be having sex, whether you want to or not. Tell him that sex should not be a chore for you, and that if you're not in the mood, no deal. That way, you're only having sex when both of you want to. If he complains, tell him he's got a perfectly good hand to work with in the meantime.
When you do have sex, you don't have to be totally hands off on yourself. Have you tried doing what you do when you masturbate, while you're having sex? Works wonders, plus he gets the added benefit of watching.
Also, try breathing differently. Match your breathing depth and pattern to your... uh... rhythm, for lack of a better word. It helps you to connect more to the experience.
Good luck!
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Everyone here is giving you "work on it and try new things" and "perspective" advice.
I've read what you wrote and I'm going to make an assumption here.
You said it doesn't feel like "anything". While its understandable that you might not have an orgasm, not feeling anything at all isn't normal.
To me, my first inclination is to say that the problem is somewhat medical in nature. Its not normal to experience zero physical pleasure during sex.
Possible basic solutions
- Vibrators. Vibrators have the ability to somewhat numb you over time (completely reversible, just stop using them). Basically, the body is designed to raise your sensation threshold when you overload it. So when using a vibrator, the sensations are often more intense than regular non-orgasmic sex, and you feel alot less.
- Condoms. Some people are naturally less sensitive than others, and a condom definitely lowers sensation. I'm not suggesting regular unprotected sex, but as you are in a committed relationship you might want to try brief sex without a condom (discussed before hand) and see if that makes a difference.
- Size. People come in all shapes and sizes, and its possible that you have been with guys who aren't quite big enough for you. Honestly, the only real way to test this out is by purchasing a sex toy thats a little thicker than average.
- Wetness. A common enough problem, too wet means no friction means less sensation. My girl at times has trouble reaching orgasm because she gets too wet to get the friction (and thus sensation) she needs. Take a quick break, and start again.
Its entirely possible that none of these are the problem, you didn't give enough information to really tell. It sounds to me like you very much want to be what he want's sexually, but its just hard because he is frustrated at his inability to please you in bed.
If nothing else, I would very seriously advise speaking to your gynecologist the next time you pay a visit. As a doctor, he can tell you alot more about things like this than anyone here can, and in your situation I would be seeking medical advice.
As an experiment, go without masturbating or sex for a week. Tell him what you're doing. At the end of the week, sleep with him and see if anything is different. It might help to have some sexual tension built up to spur you along.
Good luck.
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Just try to find out what you like, while having sex with him, maneuver, and find out what styles you like best, or what positions, fast, slow, deep, shallow.
When my guys ontop of me, I sort of do a roll with my bottom half, works wonders on me =].
& While your having sex, think of your sexual fantasys, talk dirty with him while he's doin his stuff.
You said "I know that I am supposed to tell my partner what feels good to me, but I don't even know where to start."
You've been with this guy for two and 1/2 years.. it shouldnt matter what you say to him.
Just dont think about it, get in the mood.
Foreplay.
Go down on him, & let him go down on you.
Discover what makes you feel good, and what doesn't.
& tell him.
Hope I helped.
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Hi this is Ashley, having sex should never feel like a chore, because then what's the point of having sex at all? Sex is supposed to be enjoyable and mutual, never taken advantage of especially if you love one another... he should be sympathetic about the way your feeling and I'm hoping he is. I also believe in order to enjoy sex you don't have to watch porn with eachother, if it's all about warming eachother up for sex then I would have to say you might be lacking somewhere else in your relationship. Maybe it's the love part and not the sex part, because there must be love in sex so therefore, there's never shame and always exceptness.
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First off, this isn't a problem with YOU, this is a problem for the both of you. He could just as easily be asking this question and complaining that his sex drive is too high... the only reason he isn't is because of cultural norms. Our culture has spent years telling women we owe men sex... Although it’s true we owe all our partners compromise and respect for their needs, you don’t owe anyone sex.
So cut yourself some slack, it's not your fault, anymore then having red hair when he prefers blondes would be your fault. It just is.
All right, so first off, obvious solution:
SHOW him how you masturbate. Let him watch. Guide his hands. Let him hold well you do.
I know it sound bizarre, but if 'telling' him what to do seems so weird to you, then show him.
Yes, you'll feel really, really awkward at first, but it will help.
Secondly, do you read erotica or watch porn? They are both ridiculous and have little to do with reality, however, if you are in a rut creatively, they might give you some ideas of what is attractive to you and what ideas get you going.
You will probably ALWAYS have a lower sex drive then he does, and if the relationship is going to last he has to be okay with that, and you need to stop blaming yourself for it. But at least before you start resigning yourself to the status quo; get creative about instructing him and seeing if anything strikes your interest or curiosity sexually.
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Well, I'm 34 and I'm in much the same situation, after a 15-year relationship with the same person. Is there any thought that turns you on? Like role playing, something different he's not doing, etc?
If you just don't get turned on, do you have medical problems? Have you had a child? Childbirth has been shown to cause libido problems. Have you been checked for depression or thyroid problems? You should schedule an appointment with your gynecologist so that hormone levels and thyroid can be checked. Try new things, such as introducing vibrators or things you may find exciting. And hang in there. You know they say you have to have sex in order to want sex, so maybe just keep trying.
I certainly wish I had the magic key.
Sabine
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