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Razhie. Advicenators Member Since: June 13, 2005. Answers: 5077. Visitors: 211514.
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The Question
so let me just say that im 16 years old and so is my boyfriend and im about 99.9% sure im pregnant im taking a test when i get paid in couple days but my boyfriend and i had sex when i was ovulating we were using a condom but he must have not put it on right because it broke and we didnt notice it until after he came .. anyways
i need to tell him and my parents, my mom will be upset a bit but she would get over it quickly and i know she would help me she already said if i every got in this situation she would and im not worried about telling my parents its my boyfriend im worried about he has this whole plan to go to college and graduate and start a business and if we had a baby together at 16 then thats going to change, his parents are the opposite of mine, they don't like me to much because i dont go to church.. and they told him if he got me pregnant he would have to drop out of school and it would ruin his life and i just feel bad my friends said its not all my fault but i just feel like it is and i dont want him to have to ruin his plan he has and ah im just so stuck what should i do or say??
The Answer
It's not all your fault, he is just as responsible for the situation as you are.
If he didn't want to run the risk of having a baby at 16, he shouldn't have had sex at 16. Sex = Pregnancy Risk. It always has, and it always will.
The both of you, together, made a choice, and it turned out to have some not so great consequences.
A lot of people in this world, including your boyfriend and his parents MIGHT blame you for this. But that would be wrong, and mean. You are both responsible.
You need to tell him, just the same way you need to tell your parents. Of course you feel bad that this happened and will change his life plan, but sesh girl, it’s gonna change yours too! You don’t owe him an apology, just the truth.
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The Question
ok, so i have had a crush on a boy for a year now, i talk to him a ton, and wow, i am totally under his spell! and i think he likes me too. hes perfect, and this is the biggest crush Ive ever had. i have some problems
1. he cant date until hes 16
2. hes moving about an hour away, and i cant drive!
3. if this doesn't work out, how will i ever get over him =[
The Answer
1.) That means crushes are perfectly allowed.
2.) Can you use the phone? The computer? Sure, moving sucks and it will be a pain to see him less, but an hour away might just be a bus trip or meeting up some place halfway.
3.) The same way we all do. Cry, feel like shit, and then get attracted to somebody else! If we all were totally crushed by our first serious teenage attractions no one would ever get married and life would be unbearable. We move on. We love agian. It's better then it was before.
Stop thinking so much with your heart! When reality sets in and there are REAL problems to deal with it, it's much better to use your brain. Pull up a map and and bus schedule. Figure out fun ways to stay in touch online and decent places to meet. Think of things you will still have in common and can share despite the distance. Feelings wont actually get you very far. Using your brain will.
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The Question
ok im 14 and female.
im 170 pounds and kinda short.
so i wanna lose a lot of weight. i've come up with a food plan tell me what you think:
breakfast- about 15 grapes
(no snack because im at school and we cant eat until lunch)
lunch- wheat bread with ham cheese and mayo,
130 calories worth of raisins,
100 calorie cheeto bag and
100 calorie bag of chocolate cookies
snack when i get home: a large pretzel stick and a few pieces of colby jack cheese
dinner: salad with low fat ranch dressing.
and this is it. any suggestions or tips for me? do i need any revisation?
i dont really work out because i have a crap load of homework when i get home then i go to sleep at nine and wake up at 6.
though, i do walk really fast from getting to one school to the other and up and downstairs.
help??
The Answer
You won’t loose weight that way.
Your body will go into starvation mode. Calorie intake that low causes your body to panic and ultimately you'll not only re-gain any weight loss as soon as you eat a smidgen more, but up to 20% MORE weight then you had before! (Yep, that's the average).
And that’s if you do return to normal eating. If you don’t, you’ll eventually grow quite sick.
There are people who are starving to death in Africa, who eat only a tad less then what you are describing.
Keep in mind that you didn't become overweight over night, its years of habits that won't resolve magically if you do something amazingly drastic (read: dangerous!).
Did you know that nearly 100% of all diets fail? Even the most popular ones on talk shows and commercials. They all say "results NOT typical"! Or ‘When combined with regular exercise.”
AND IT”S EXERCISEING WHICH YOU REALLY NEED TO DO!
You are young. Dieting will only harm your body. Regular exercise and cutting out the junk food (like cheetoos.) will begin to solve your problem. Even a half hour a day of brisk walking with make a huge difference in your weight. That is ALL you need to do. A half-hour day. Jump rope and do some sit-up while watching TV or listening to music. That is how I fit excising into my busy student schedule. Grab a friend and power-walk around your school before you eat your lunch. That is what will work.
Your daily calorie intake should NEVER fall below 1200 a day. And you need to eat lots of fruits and protein as well! Even some fat is necessary to keep your body for falling into a useless heap of skin and bones.
Rate people 1 all you like, but the plan you suggested here, will KILL you. IF you can stick to it, which you probably can’t because you’re body won’t want to let you KILL it. It will fight back. People will begin to notice.
Forget about dieting. Excise for 30 mins each day and avoid junk food, and you’re problem will likely be solved by Christmas. If it isn’t, speak to a doctor or nutritionist about healthy diet choices for you.
It’s not about dieting. Dieting is useless. It doesn’t work. It’s about lifestyle.
It’s about giving your body what is truly needs, and not a lot of other gunk.
But most importantly: It’s about not murdering yourself.
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The Question
Okay, since like ever I've always been the guys best friend. Theres been prettier girls then me, and thats who my friends go for. Most of my friends are guys. I've always been flat chested, like a board and it would sometimes bother me when someone pointed it out, but then i just realised-- Whatever.
Well over the summer I went from like nothing to a C. I don't honestly know how.. but I did. And my Mom also said that I got curves.. [embarrasing..] No one failed to notice the changes over the summer and its weird. because most girls went through this like in the 6th grade, and im going through it in the 8th but now all the 'friends' I have which are guys are diffrent around me. I'm really into sports, and we usto always play football, and Im not good at it but I can run. They catch up with me and Im dead.. and I dont care that they tackle me but some either tackle me to hard and claim I got hurt cuz "She has those huge tits to worry about now." or are way to soft. Yeh Ben actually said that to me and I was like =XX Im not into makeup, or skirts or any of that and they didnt care before... but now I guess there flirting with me. My only girl-friend Becky says that they all are- we can choose our seats this year and Im always at the guys table and they're always poking me, and love to make me scream from some reason. Its all diffrent, and it used to be okay to walk into a room full of guys where I knew they were my friends. But now they look down my shirt, compliment me constantly, which isnt so bad but i cant walk into the room without known There The Oppiset Sex. its weird.
I dont know how to make things go back the the way they were... =[
The Answer
The simple truth is teenagers will tease each other about ANYTHING. If you'd have gotten braces, they might have joked about that. A piercing, then they'd use that. Unfortunately, you got boobs, and those are even more fun to joke about then braces or piercing!
But at this point, they are playing off your insecurities and exaggerating the issue. Some of them might be flirting with you, but it sounds more likely that you are being picked on, and that you are allowing it to happen.
Change the way you are thinking about this and then the way you are dealing with it. It’s not friendly, and it’s not nice, even if these guys mean it that way. When you are politely putting up with it, boys will continue to think it’s a fun game to tease you and prod at you. Start to stop it by telling them straight out that it is NOT funny. A withering gaze can go a long way in stopping inappropriate comments. If you don’t want to be touched, be clear “That isn’t funny. I don’t like it. Don’t do it.” Don’t laugh. Don’t be nice. Be CLEAR. If you really think they are flirting with you, call them on it ‘If you are trying to win my heart, you are doing a horrible job, and if you aren’t then you are being a jackass, stop it.”
Poking and prodding and staring and comments might their way of flirting and a little bit of objectification can be flattering, but what you are describing is way too much objectification. It’s hard feel like you can be an object, and somebody’s friend. Fortunately, most boys are basically good people, and basically insecure when it comes to girls. If you tell them, confidently that you don’t like certain behavior and it’s not nice, most of them will stop. In eight grade you are probably the only girl they are comfortable enough around to treat this way, all the other ones scare them shitless. You’ll be doing them all a favor if you point out how much their current approach sucks.
Try making your firm statements directly to them on by one, rather then in a large group setting. They will be more likely to get the message that way then if they are all together where they might laugh it off. Then stand by your statements and reaffirm them. It’s true you shouldn’t let this get too you, but that doesn’t mean you have to simply put up with it.
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The Question
Okay, so I'm 18/f and I've been friends with this woman on the internet for five years, since I was 13. She's 38, and we're both actresses. I met her in a theatre chatboard and we've become quite close over the last 5 years. Granted, I've never talked to her in person; I've seen photos and Youtube videos of her performances.
Recently, she proposed that we finally meet up in real life sometime. She said that I could come and hang out at her home and we could roast oysters. She told me to give her a phone call whenever I'm ready.
Now, I'm very wary of Internet security. I like this person a lot but I know that there are loads of predators out there on the Internet. Granted, she's never done anything even remotely suspicious or asked for my personal information. In fact, when I was younger she told me that I shouldn't tell anyone about my personal info and gave me tips on Internet security.
However, she very well might be just who she says she is, and I could possibly make a friend in her. If I give her a call, and it is actually her speaking on the phone, am I safe? Are there female predators out there? Is it possible that she could hand me over to a rapist or something?
The Answer
I don't think there is any reason not adhere to internet safety here.
It's very simple really. All you need to do is invite her OUT for dinner, rather then going to her own private residence. You can even invite her to your parent’s home for a meal.
You SHOULDN'T go into the private home of someone you don't know. That isn't sensible. It isn’t sensible to do that with someone you’ve met at a bar anymore then it is online. That never will be sensible, no matter how long you've been chatting online.
So, find some other activity. You can be quite straight up with her I’m sure and say “I’d love to the roast later, but I think for our first meeting it’s just a good general rule to do it in public right?” And then invite her to someplace nice.
Why wouldn’t you do it that way? Sure, the risk is very small as it is, but inviting her to a place outside her home (a performance perhaps!) once or twice reduces the risk to pretty much zero. When it’s that simple, why on earth wouldn't you do it that way?
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The Question
I was in a discussion with my best friend about depression. We were listing things that cause people to become depressed and then we got to depressed celebrities. One of the major depressed celebrities today is Britney Spears. Britney Spears has filled so many tabloids up with her depression fits lately.
My best friend suggested that Britney Spears is not really depressed. She said that Britney Spears gained some weight because her career died down and she stopped keeping track of herself, and that Britney Spears has only claimed to be depressed for better publicity. Her reasons for not believing that Britney Spears is really depressed were basically that she has money, fame/popularity, relatively good looks, and a family.
My question is do you really think that Britney Spears, or anyone in her situation, could really be depressed? Maybe I am just missing out on what depression actually is but I think my friend has a point. Britney Spears couldn't ask for a better life--how can she REALLY be depressed? Keep in mind that I am not only referring to Britney Spears--she is just the one who comes to mind in this given situation.
The Answer
Depression is not simply situational.
Depression CAN be caused by a situation. Having a child can cause post-partum depression. Loosing a loved one can cause depression. Moving to a new place can cause depression. There is even such a thing as reasonable depression, where depression is a natural response to the situation which will pass as the cause looses potency. Loosing a loved one is a good reason to be depressed for a little while. That’s OK depression as long as you work through it and move past it, and that is why depression is often called one of the stages of grief. Some depression will be experienced by every living person at some point. That’s only human.
But depression can also just happen. Like cancer. There are a lot of situations that can contribute to developing cancer, but people who never tanned a day in their lives can still get skin cancer, and people who never smoked can get lung cancer.
People who live complete, apparently perfect lives CAN become clinically depressed for no apparent reason. It’s a physical illness. It happens in the body and in the brain. Clinical depression is just as real as illness as the flu.
So, is Britney Spears depressed? Frankly, I don’t know and I don’t give a damn. I don’t give a damn if she has cancer either. If she has cancer or is depressed, I feel bad for her and hope she is getting help for her illness. She COULD be depressed (she could also have cancer for all I know, I don’t really keep up with the tabloids). There is no reason for a famous, rich person to be immune to the illness of clinical depression or schizophrenia or bi-polar disorders any more then a rich, famous person can be magically inmune to cancer.
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The Question
i really like my new boyfriend but when i asked my friend to hang out with us he was really mean to them. he's nice to my pther friends so i don't know why he wasn't nice to these friends. they've been my friends for a long time, but my boyfriend makes me very happy. they both told me they hate each other. i think sooner or later they're gonna make me pick sides. so who's more important? my friends or my boyfriend?
The Answer
Can we go back to begining here?
Why on earth was your boyfriend mean to them!?
Seriously. Why did that even happen?
When the person you are dating, treats your friends poorly on his first meeting of them, that isn't cool. They should be mature enough to be civil and friendly, simply because YOU care about those friends. Your boyfriend couldn't manage to hold his tongue for a fews hours of hanging out? That is pretty sad, and immature.
They SHOULDN'T make you pick sides, and they haven't yet, so if I were you I would bet them too it and remind that them they CAN'T tell you to pick sides.
Tell your boyfriend it's fine if he doesn't want to hang out with them, but he must not be mean to people you care about. That is disrespectful and not okay.
Tell your friends that it's okay if they don't like him, but that he is your choice and you do like him, and you want them to respect that, even if they don't understand it.
Tell them both to cool it. So they didnt' get alone. So what? Get over it. Don't be childish brats who gossip behind eachother's backs. Simply shurg your shoulders and accept you can't get on with everyone.
DEMAND that level of maturity from them, because it is the level they should be able to reach and the only way for you to stay sane.
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The Question
i'd like to hear everyone and anyone's opinion, but i'd love for the older columnists to help me on this one... question being, do you think there is a certain age in which you can REALLY fall IN love with someone? Or do you think you can fall in love at any age, whether you're 16 or 50? So many people say at 8 you cannot fall in love, yet at 16 you can.. what is the difference? of course, the difference with any age is experiance, but do you guys really believe these theories? i want opinions!!! thanks =]
flirty
The Answer
Frankly, it's not so much the feelings of love I think are limited. Anyone can feel love, as simply as they can feel hungry, or angry.
When I tell a young person that I wouldn't call what they are doing 'in love' it's not because I doubt the intensity of their feelings. What I am expressing doubt in is their ABILITY TO BEHAVE AS A LOVER.
I don't mean a lover in the sense of sex, but a lover in the sense of a person who can behave with love to another.
Their inability to be express and behave and treat another person with love doesn’t come simply from arbitrary years on the calendar. It comes from life experience, and neurology.
Teenagers do NOT have fully developed brains or personalities. Your brain keeps on changing, a lot, until your mid-twenties. Children and Teenagers are biologically selfish and self-involved. This isn’t a bad thing. Being self-involved in a VERY important part of developing your sense of self and learning what you want in life. However, it also makes expressing love difficult, because to treat another with love requires a degree of selflessness, compromise and empathy that teens and adolescents are not biologically inclined too, and have no real experience with. Everything about their body, everything about their brains and everything about the way our society is organized has the teenager focusing on ME, THE DEVELOPMENT OF ME, and WHAT DO I WANT?
These are really important things! But they aren’t going to make treating another person with love very easily.
So, when are you truly in love? When you can treat another person with that love. That means being able to support them, compromise, communicate and respect them. Are teens capable of this? Sure, I suppose technically, but it’s not what they typically do in their relationships. They screw up. It’s something they are in the process of learning HOW to do. Frankly, I think its pure dumb luck that some high school sweet hearts learn how to truly be lovers to each other, and some break up and learn it with other people.
So can you feel love as a teen, sure. Why the hell not. But are you going to really act on that love and building something lasting and healthy? Not likely.
Hell, a lot of married adults can’t even figure that out, and are stuck in the same selfish relationship patterns they had as teens.
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The Question
i don't know what's wrong with me!! i went to a doctor and she prescribed anxiety pills (2wice! 2 different types!) but one makes me depressed and hopeless the other makes my bite on my teeth and loose control over my muscles and sleep alot... i am really depressed! and i am panicking so much but i am very bad at showing my emotions.. and because of that i rely on "Telling" it so my family thinks i am faking... but it really hurts inside! i don't know what to do anymore and the doctor is not helping... i feel so alone when there is a million people around me ! :'(
The Answer
Go back to your doctor, and ask for a referral to a therapist.
I took medication for anxiety, and they did wonders for me. There are many different types however, and it took me four different types until I found the mix that worked for me. Sadly, that is the name of the game when it comes to medication for mood disorders. The important thing to do is give them a chance, take them as instructed and be aware of what is and isn�t working for you.
However, the one treatment proven to be more effective then medication, is therapy. That's what you need. That is what will help the most. If things don't work with the first therapist, try someone else.
Your doctor can be a great resource, but you need to see someone more specialized to really deal with these issues.
If you have trouble with your parents, ask your doctor to speak to them about this. If they are given you medication they ought to be fully supportive of you seeking therapy, if they aren�t, they are an idiot and you should switch doctors. With your permission, your doctor can discuss your case with your parents and explain WHY therapy is nessicary and a good treatment opition.
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The Question
ok so it's been almost 3 weeks since I fell off of my horse. I was riding him in the pasture, bareback, with split reins and a halter. And I wore a helmet...good thing. Well there is a nearby lake, and a blue heron was nearby and scared him, so he took off and bucked me off and ran toward the gate. I fell on my butt, im pretty sure, but i was face down when i like landed on the ground. And I knew it was stupid..I shouldn't have ridden outside without better control, but ive done it before without falling off. But it's been three weeks and my tailbone still hurts, like when i sit back...idk what to do?
The Answer
Have you been riding still? If you have, you should stop until you've seen a doctor.
Back injury, tail bone injury, neck or head injuries must be taken dead-seriously. As a rider myself, I know we tend to poo-poo them, but we shouldn't. It can haunt you for the rest of your life if not dealt with correctly the first time. Impacts from horseback are not typical of sports injuries, they are very different and in many cases, more tramatic (few other athelics spend all thier time five feet in the air moving quickly over unever terrian).
Go to a doctor. Or just be sensible yourself and stay off horse back for six weeks. If you don't do at least that, it is possible it might never heal, or at least, take months instead of weeks. My barn had a pretty strick rule about these sorts of injuries: four weeks minimun of no riding, six for safety.
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The Question
At my school, I tried to start a Writing club, but this other girl had the same idea as me. Because of that, and the fact that we can't create the same club twice, we had to partner.
To put it simply (and harshly, which I apologize about) she is very strange. "She" also has excessive body hair, meaning, a beard, and a mustache. And smells.
People are actually interested in our club, but they are STAYING AWAY because of her.
She is my co-president. If I forced her to step down, then we'd probably have about 50 people coming. Right now, we only have 10, and I think we will loose them.
So what do I do? Either way, if it doesn't improve, I'm going to call it quits.
But should I, in a last ditch effort, tell her straight up that she is DISCOURAGING people from coming to the club? Try and force her out?
Idk. Everyone I've talked to refuses to come to the club because of her. But it's a bit cut throat to throw her out.
Help?
The Answer
Quit. Wait for her 'Writing Club' to fade away. Start another.
Quit, come up with an acceptable varriation on the writing club, get enough people behind you an submit your idea to the pricipal.
Talk to her honestly about the fact that you two seem to be interested in starting very different 'kinds' of clubs. Ask her if she interested in splitting the budget and starting two teams or sections, with her leading one however she'd like and you leading the other, and everyone getting togeather once or twice a semester to share what they've been working on.
You can either face the problem head on by talking to her or wait it out.
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The Question
can an employer fire somebody just for not smiling even if the person is friendly otherwise. it doesnt seem right it should be based on how well they do their job? if anybody can answer this it would be appreciated. thank you!
The Answer
It depends on a few things.
If that employee has no written contract, yes.
Within a period of probation as specified on their contract, yes.
If, in your contract, or supporting codes of conduct, you agreed to their standards on smiling, yes.
Smiling, or other mandatory greetings CAN actually be understood to be part of the job. If presented in a codified way and the employee has agreed to abide by the standards set out in say, the dress policy or behaviour policy, unless those policies are illegal or discriminatory, they are perfectly valid.
So basically, what I am saying is this:
If you had no contract, they can fire you whenever, for whatever reason and you have very little recourse.
If you had a contract and you were on probation, they can fire you for almost any reason they choose (except the big four: age, race, religion and sexuality.)
If you have a contract and you agreed in it to abide by some sort of standards that included smiling, then you are out of luck.
Basically, unless you have a history of a few months of solid and good work, then yes, they can fire you for that. You might be able to lodge a complaint against them, but as a teen (I am assuming) there is basically no monetary gain you can get from it. The percentage of your wages, which is what part timers get in wrongful dismissal suits, wouldn't cover the expense of a lawyer anyways.
Your best bet, assuming you didn't work there for years without incident, would be to simply write a letter to the head office or regional supervisor explaining the situation. This won’t get you your job back, but it will make them aware that there was an issue you felt was not dealt with properly.
If you HAD been working full time and/or with that company for some time and have a contract or agreement, go back and read it careful and consider if you have a suit.
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The Question
I've been with my boyfriend for over three years. We're happy and we love each other. However, he still has a lot of growing up to do.
For starters, he's a little shy. I know this is a part of his personality, but since we jsut started college, I've noticed he doesn't interact with people well. This draws my attention to the fact that sometimes he is very self-centered. He hardly ever thinks of what I would like to do, or what I think about something, and he just goes with what works for him. He does do random things to make me happy, but only when I'm upset over something or I'm sick or whatever.
Also, we don't have sex. And I'm ready for it. I love him enough to, and he claims he feels the same, but he was raised in a slightly more strict home than I was. So, he is totally opposed to it, even though we do everything but sex. We've also never spent the night together, and while I think simply sleeping together (and ONLY that) would be a sweet/cute thing, he doesn't think it's a good idea. The thing that gets me is that he "can't explain why he feels that way".
We've grown a lot in our relationship, but I'm much, much more mature than he is, and sometimes it gets on my nerves. Has anyone else been in this situation? And what can I do to talk to him about this without him getting defensive, which he does often when I try to talk about these things.
The Answer
I can tell you why he is getting defensive hun. If you are speaking to him the way you are in this question then you aren't giving him any real constructive criticism that he can actually respond too. You didn’t give any specific examples here, you are simply pointed out his flaws.
That is never the way to get a person to make changes.
Saying 'You're too shy.' or 'You're immature.' or 'You're being self-centered' might even be true, but it's not HELPFUL, they are just labels. It doesn't tell him what he needs to do to change your perception of him. It doesn’t tell him what to do differently.
If you get more specific about your complaints, he'll be able to respond to them, and likely, won’t feel quite as hurt by them.
If you feel like you are not being heard or taking care of in the relationship SPEAK UP. If you feel he is being self-centered before you blame him, make sure you are putting yourself forward! Only after you've clearly communicated your position will know if he's actually self-centered or simply ignorant or insecure about his choices. Try things like "I would like to do ____ will you come?" or "I love it when you say/do ______. Do it more often?" or even “Let’s get together tomorrow, could you plan a date for us?”. That is clear encouragement that gives him a solid action plan instead of general complaints. When he does something that shows some concern and incentive, praise him to high heavens!
As for the shyness factor, frankly, I’d give that a few more weeks. If you live in North America you are now maybe 2 weeks into school. People hit their strides in new environments differently. If he is a naturally shy person, give him a month or two to find his college grove. Introduce him to people you meet and encourage him to engage in activities that interest him, but do sit back a little and let him find his own way. It’s too soon to be judging him harshly on the way he deals with such a major change.
As far as the sex thing goes however, I get the feeling that you are not the only one in the relationship who feels they aren’t being listened too. In addition to being specific about your needs, listen to his and ask specific questions. Most importantly, respect his answers even if you disagree. A guy saying no, is just as valid as girl saying no, regardless of the reasons.
You BOTH still have a lot of growing up to do. BOTH of you need to improve your communication and ability to listen and BOTH of you are going to keep changing a hell of lot in the next few years. Approaching him with specific problems you’d like addressed will give an actual idea of what you want (general complaints don’t) and listening and respecting his ideas, followed up with specific questions, will encourage him to communicate to you in specifics as well.
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The Question
I have been with my girlfriend for about 5 years now. She often works really late hours and sometimes I can't reach her for hours inbetween. I found some of her panties that she forgot to throw in the wash, and I noticed some thick whitish stains in the crotch area of her panties, and one time some yellowish thick stains and a foul smell. Is that an indication that she has slept with someone?
The Answer
No. That is NOT an indication that she is slept with anyone else. That is the vaginal discharge of a normal, healthy, adult woman. White, sometimes a bit yellow, and always a tad smelly.
Talk to her about this, before the drama and doubt destroys your relationship. Snooping and imagining the worse, will kill your love just as surely as cheating will.
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The Question
okay, where to start... my best friend won't talk to me because she goes to this band thing, and when she was there, she kinda snogged this guy, but she has a nearly boyfriend here (band was away) but then when her nearly boyfriend tricked me into telling him that she went woth this other guy. so i told my best friend that i had accidently told her nearly boyfriend she freaked and hasnt spoken to me since... anyway my question is, how do i approach her?
The Answer
With apologies.
You messed up and gossiped about a friend. That isn't cool, but you didn't do it out of a mean-spirit, just a mistake. Explain that, and hope you friend is mature enough to accept that explaination (and perhaps deep-down she'll realize she isn't completely blameless in this situation either.)
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The Question
how do i know if my girlfriend is pulling away from me?? we've been livin togeter for 2 yrs, and im at that place in life where i want to ask her to marry me. but now she's acting all weird, quiet, distant, and i don't know what to do. i don't know if my bestfriend or her cousn told her i was gonna ask her to mary me or not. (her cousin and i are good friends, and besides my friend, the only other person i've told about it is her cousin. so things have been kindof strange for me the lat few weeks, cause i dont know if its that, or if she's seeing someone behind my back, or if she's planning on breaking up with me, or i dont now what. im scared to ask cause i dont want to upset her, but i feel like she should tell me whats going on with us. we went to visit my parents out of state last week, and i tried talkin to her about our futre on the ride up, but she said she didnt want to talk about that cause she didnt want to argue before we got to my folks place. when we do talk about serious stuff, its usually me doin tha talkin' and she just sits there lookin like shes interested, but it doesnt feel like it. i'm supposed to be goin out of twon for trainin in two weeks and i'll be gone for two weeks. we've never been away from eachother for more than a night or two before. part of me thinks itll be good cause she'll get to hang with her friends, and miss me while i'm gone, but what if somthing happens while i'm gone? please help me
The Answer
TALK TO HER.
It isn't kind, or fair, to expect her to tell you what is going on if you can't even work up the courage to ask her. For all you know she might think you don't give a damn. So, if you do care, you MUST ask her.
Don't ask her about YOUR ideas and plans. Ask her about HERS.
Where does she see herself in 10 years?
What does she feel are the things the two of you really disagree about?
What is she afriad of in your life togeather?
You need to really welcome her to talk about these things or else the two of you will get stuck in your 'not-talking=not-arguing' rut.
Give her a chance to talk without trying to control the direction or content of the conversation. Don't argue, just ask more questions. If you disagree, you can disagree later. Make at least your frist attempt at 'talking' all about listening. Nothing should come out your mouth except questions to help her clarify what she is trying to say.
When communication has brokend down as badly as it has between you two, that is the best place to start.
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The Question
Okay so this year I partnered myself with my best guy friend Steven. Well over the weekend he told me he liked me, and I've never thought of Steven as more then a friend. [[I have a lot of guy friends because of my past experiences with girl-friends. They all seem to be back stabbers so I've given up.]] I told Steven that I honestly find him a really good friend because I hate it when girls go out with guys just because he likes her it doesn't seem far to them. I thought I was being nice, but he wont leave the subject alone and is leaving notes in our locker which honestly make me feel uncomfortable. I dont know if they'll continue because this is the first day back after knowing he likes me- and I guess Cole knows he likes me, and I told him what he was writing and Cole got mad. [[He's always been amazing to me. I love Cole.] I told Cole not to say anything, but he offered me to move into the locker with him and Mike which Im about to take up because Steven just called and is like "Hey Baby.. you didn't write anything back to the notes I wrote to you.. did you like them?" and I was like Um no. and I dont feel comfortable with you saying those things Steven I dont feel the same way about you. So Steven got mad and I guess Cole did talk to him=\\ and is like You like Cole dont you? Which I might, I've known him for so long but thats none of his buseness. But I was like He's being nicer about this then you are. You know I don't like you so stop with the notes... or I really am gunna move in with him. Which I guess Steven doesn't want but I dont know what would make Steven act this way, Ive known him forever, and he really is my closest guy friend so if someone could explain his hostility to me it would be greatly appreciated. and I guess people are telling me that because Cole offered immediatly for me to move in with him that he likes me which isn't the biggest problem I have at the moment. Stevens bothering me though, telling me I have pretty eyes, and makes me feel awkward and Im afraid Cole and him are gunna get into a fight because you should see the way Cole looks at him=X it kinda scares me. What do I do. Coles the friend that would kill anyone that hurt anyone of his friend, and I dont need them getting in a fight which Cole is debating he told me. and I dont know what to do with Steven. Its the begining of the school year and already this is happening... this is gunna be a fun year.
=X
The Answer
I think you could give Steven the benefit of the doubt for at least another day or two. He's young too, and might just have been confused.
You've done a good job of clarifying the situation for him, and told him clearly to stop. Try giving him a chance to stop. His hostility might just have been because he is inexperienced and insecure, and bringing another guy (Cole) into the equation brought his testosterone up a bit too high.
So give him the chance to shape up and apologize. If he does, let it go. People make mistakes, especially with their first bumbling attempts at romantic feelings.
If he keeps it up, shoot him down very clearly. It's not Cole's job to talk to him and tell him no. You can’t always count on having other guys around. So, it’s your job to stand up for yourself. Try to keep Cole as out of it as possible. Getting him too involved in your dealings with Steven will only cause badness. Tell Cole you are a big girl and he should back off a bit and let you handle it. You’ll tell him if you need to move lockers. If you need to move, then move.
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The Question
Okay i met this girl at the family party and we started talking and i asked her number and her screen name so she gave it to me, and after that we talk for 3-6 hours a day, we also talk and flirt on the phone,text and chat online. We've known each other for a month and half we hung out and we flirt too, and i know she likes me and i like her, she even cooked for me but the thing is i told her that i love her and she started acting different, i told her i wanna be with her and i love her and everything and when i told her she started picking fights and she told me that she doesn't believe in love, because it sounds too serious and she doesn't like it when i say i love you to her. She never had a bf and she says shes a flirt but i know she likes me, yet she didn't wanna go out with me, and i told her we could be friends, but she keeps getting mad or picking fights about it and she told me that we shouldn't talk for a while and so i agreed and told her to talk to me when shes ready but its been 2 weeks and shes still hasn't talked to me even when we see each other she ignores me and wont even look at me in the eye, and she wont reply my texts, and i didn't know why she wont talk to me if she likes me too, but i don't know now what do you think about this? we were doing REALLLY good and we liked eachother, but when i told her i how i love her and wanna be with her she started acting weird and we dont talk anymore, please help..
The Answer
She told you exactly why she responded that way: She was just flirting and not interested in something that serious with you. Your confession of love was scary and offensive to her. She didn't want to hear it. She doesn't feel the same. She doesn't want that kind of relationship. It made her uncomfortable.
You knew her for less then 2 months. You weren't even dating. Although I'm all for honesty this is the kind of thing that can happen when you don't get to know a person a bit better before diving in head-first. A few more months of getting to know her you might have been able to guess what her response would be, and choosen a way to talk to her that she would be more comfortable with. A few more months might also have taught you that she was not interested in anything more then flirting.
Instead, you rushed into it, and she didn't like it one bit. At best, she got scared off. At worst, she got offended that you didn't pick up on her clues of disinterest.
Of course, she is being rather rude now, but little can be done about that. Shrug it off. She doesn’t want what you want. You are incompatible. Leave her alone and decide if you want to strike up a plutonic friendship if she ever does contact you again. However, I can pretty much guarantee that if you continue to try to talk to her, she’ll continue to give you the cold shoulder. She has told you as much herself.
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The Question
Ok, so my boyfriend lives in Venezuela, and I live in Florida. I used to live in venezuela, when I met him, and we were like madly in love. Then i moved here, and we are still trying to keep up the relationship. But the thing is, he is VERY committed to getting married, having a family, and everything, and I am not. I mean, I dont know how it's gonna work out, if he ends up being the one, well thats fine, but I am still young (16) and if it doesn't work out, i understand that there are other guys. But I have told Carlos that, you know, I can't promise anything, I dont know whats gonna happen between us until we can be together again, and he says: I know, I know, but then just goes right back to saying "youre the one im going to marry and have a family with"
My worries are, what if I do have to break up with him. He is very clingy and sensitive, and I feel like he might die if I did, even though I really don't want our relationship to end now, but if it had to someday I dont know how he would take it.
And i dont want to say "we are NOT going to get married" because, he really is one of the best people I have ever met, and also I dont want him to think that im not taking this relationship thing seriously.
thanks
The Answer
Dump him.
You aren't on the same page or the same path. You don't want what he wants. You don't want to dedicate yourself completely to this relationship (and at 16, no one can blame for that!) and you aren't listening to each other. It's not working out.
It's not about the distance. The distance is probably prolonging this relationship, because if you were together, you'd be fighting about this, instead of just disagreeing across a few thousand miles.
If you don't share the same dream for life, you aren't going to be happy together, even if you stay together. If you know you aren't going to marry him, and he can’t grasp that, the sooner you end it the better.
It doesn't make either of you bad people. I'm sure he really is wonderful, and so are you. You might just be bad for each other. Best to recognize that. Choosing to end a relationship IS taking the relationship seriously. Letting your partner misled themselves about your future together... that is being careless with it.
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The Question
Are friends with benefits really that bad?
This kid Dillon wants to have sex with me but doesnt like me as a girlfriend...If I have sex with him is it such a bad thing?
The Answer
Probably.
I don't think FWB are necessarily evil for two adults who have a good deal of romantic experience and a good emotional vocabulary, but for teenagers who are just learning how to deal with sex and all the emotions it brings up, it's pretty much asking to be used and have your heart torn up into little confuzzled pieces.
If you’ve barely had sex before in your life, you won’t be able to handle no strings attached sex. Honestly, some people never can.
For now, just go after what you really want. If you want a boyfriend, hold out for one and don't settle for anything less.
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