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Immature boyfriend.
I've been with my boyfriend for over three years. We're happy and we love each other. However, he still has a lot of growing up to do.
For starters, he's a little shy. I know this is a part of his personality, but since we jsut started college, I've noticed he doesn't interact with people well. This draws my attention to the fact that sometimes he is very self-centered. He hardly ever thinks of what I would like to do, or what I think about something, and he just goes with what works for him. He does do random things to make me happy, but only when I'm upset over something or I'm sick or whatever.
Also, we don't have sex. And I'm ready for it. I love him enough to, and he claims he feels the same, but he was raised in a slightly more strict home than I was. So, he is totally opposed to it, even though we do everything but sex. We've also never spent the night together, and while I think simply sleeping together (and ONLY that) would be a sweet/cute thing, he doesn't think it's a good idea. The thing that gets me is that he "can't explain why he feels that way".
We've grown a lot in our relationship, but I'm much, much more mature than he is, and sometimes it gets on my nerves. Has anyone else been in this situation? And what can I do to talk to him about this without him getting defensive, which he does often when I try to talk about these things.
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I can tell you why he is getting defensive hun. If you are speaking to him the way you are in this question then you aren't giving him any real constructive criticism that he can actually respond too. You didn’t give any specific examples here, you are simply pointed out his flaws.
That is never the way to get a person to make changes.
Saying 'You're too shy.' or 'You're immature.' or 'You're being self-centered' might even be true, but it's not HELPFUL, they are just labels. It doesn't tell him what he needs to do to change your perception of him. It doesn’t tell him what to do differently.
If you get more specific about your complaints, he'll be able to respond to them, and likely, won’t feel quite as hurt by them.
If you feel like you are not being heard or taking care of in the relationship SPEAK UP. If you feel he is being self-centered before you blame him, make sure you are putting yourself forward! Only after you've clearly communicated your position will know if he's actually self-centered or simply ignorant or insecure about his choices. Try things like "I would like to do ____ will you come?" or "I love it when you say/do ______. Do it more often?" or even “Let’s get together tomorrow, could you plan a date for us?”. That is clear encouragement that gives him a solid action plan instead of general complaints. When he does something that shows some concern and incentive, praise him to high heavens!
As for the shyness factor, frankly, I’d give that a few more weeks. If you live in North America you are now maybe 2 weeks into school. People hit their strides in new environments differently. If he is a naturally shy person, give him a month or two to find his college grove. Introduce him to people you meet and encourage him to engage in activities that interest him, but do sit back a little and let him find his own way. It’s too soon to be judging him harshly on the way he deals with such a major change.
As far as the sex thing goes however, I get the feeling that you are not the only one in the relationship who feels they aren’t being listened too. In addition to being specific about your needs, listen to his and ask specific questions. Most importantly, respect his answers even if you disagree. A guy saying no, is just as valid as girl saying no, regardless of the reasons.
You BOTH still have a lot of growing up to do. BOTH of you need to improve your communication and ability to listen and BOTH of you are going to keep changing a hell of lot in the next few years. Approaching him with specific problems you’d like addressed will give an actual idea of what you want (general complaints don’t) and listening and respecting his ideas, followed up with specific questions, will encourage him to communicate to you in specifics as well.
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I'm going to disagree with Peeps below. Peeps, if you happen to read it, I find your answers insightful and intelligent, but based entirely on assumptions without evidence.
I think you should be a little more aggressive with him.
Heres why.
Shyness in males always comes from a lack of self confidence. From everything you've described, he sounds very much like a shy, insecure male. The defensiveness is another clue.
Alot of this has nothing to do with you. He's not used to success in social situations, and he's not really comfy with them. This discomfort leads to his shyness, its also the reason for self centered ness. Its easy to be self centered when you are alone all the time. Making him interact with others and learning to be a part of the world at large will help him develop some of those lacking social skills and will give him exposure to the fact that there ARE other people in this world.
Step 1, is TELLING him what you'd like to do. Planning is a great weapon. Making plans to go do something you want to do, getting him to agree, and making sure its something he would enjoy too works wonders. You get what you want, and he gets dragged a bit out of his shell. (Random question, he doesnt play World of Warcraft does he?)
You are going to have to be patient. Its not right to push him into places he truly isnt ready for, but I also firmly believe that its each partner in a relationships responsibility to push the other. If you never expand your boundaries or never step outside of them, you miss alot in this world.
Talk to him more, as well. Tell him what bothers you and how you think. Invite him to do the same.
Also, you might want to think about being more social with others. Going out to get a bite to eat, hanging out with his friends or yours. Giving him a bit of social interaction to deal with and having people there who will engage _him_ so that he begins to feel like people want to interact with him, not just the other way around.
Take the lead and invite him to take it from you. Set a direction and push him out ahead of you and let him experience taking the lead. Go to a party, go to a movie, go out to dinner with friends. And I personally think you'd be OK in seducing him. Just remember to be safe, take care of yourself and him.
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[EDITED TO ADD: I understand that the situation is not centered around sex for you, in your mind, but re-read what you typed out here. The only problem you REALLY address is that you want sex and he won't give it to you. You try to belittled him even--saying he came from a strict family. Pretend you are someone totally different that just logged on and read what you wrote. What is your first impression? What is the impression that sticks with you? For me, it's what I advised below. I see nothing wrong with the guy at all. I see you giving into media peer pressure even when your boyfriend verbally says NO. Please re-read :)]
Please sit down and talk with your boyfriend. It sounds like you are having more of a problem than he is. Think of something you said:
"Also, we don't have sex. And I'm ready for it."
but right before that you say:
"...sometimes he is very self-centered. He hardly ever thinks of what I would like to do, or what I think about something..."
Sex is nothing to take lightly.
If he doesn't want to have sex it doesn't mean he does not love you. Love is NOT sex and sex is NOT love. Please don't pressure your boyfriend because it sounds like you are and that is no good at all.
It's okay to think it's not a good idea for you two to spend the night together. It sounds like he has his head on his shoulders. If you two spend the night together, JUST to cuddle all night, you're putting a lot of pressure on the situation. Hormones can get out of control and things can happen that someone didn't want to happen really.
Your boyfriend sounds smart and mature, to me. He probably is well aware that sex means babies and he is, most likely, not ready for babies yet. If you two just started college then babies are definately not the best idea in the world.
Sex = babies. Sex has ALWAYS equaled babies. Babies do NOT care if you used a condom (88% effective) or birth control pills (92% effective). Babies don't care if you're not ready for them. Babies don't care if you have to drop out of college, work 3 part-time jobs, and struggle to buy a pack of diapers for them. Babies come when you make decisions that lead to babies.
He may not be interacting well with college students because he sees their stupidity, especially freshmen. It appears that most college people like to go out, drink, and have sex constantly. It's okay if your boyfriend sees that and says, "Uh...wrong crowd to hang with." It's okay for him to avoid such people, especially until they brighten up through the years. (Yes, I've been through college already. I'm 21, almost 22.)
He may do what "works for him" because he sees flaws in your decisions. If you say, "We should have sex right now!" then maybe he sees the flaw in that babies come when sex happens. If you say, "We should go ride our bikes in the road tonight. It would really make me happy!" he sees the flaw that a car might hit you and hurt you. He may see things you haven't been seeing. TALK to him when these things happen so you get a view of his thinking on the subject.
Your boyfriend doesn't sound self-centered at all to me. It sounds like he's thinking of your futures together. It also sounds like he is thinking things through while you're not.
Your boyfriend is only human. He is not perfect and if you have not sat down with him and specifically said, "I wish you would do those little things to make me smile even when I'm not sick," then he does not know. In which case, you need to sit down with him and TALK about THIS very thing.
If your boyfriend is getting defensive then it may be your attitude when bringing issues up to him. Be kind and considerate. Do not blame all of the relationship drama on him. It could be that you have pressured him so much that he feels that you don't really care about his feelings and thoughts about matters. Sometimes it's hard to see what you do to other people if you don't have a third party to do, "WHOA WHOA WHOA! WAIT A MINUTE HERE!"
If you love your boyfriend then sex doesn't matter.
Stop pressuring him to spend the night with you. He said no and no means no. He is being MATURE about this, believe it or not.
Talk to him about the little things.
Stop talking to him about having sex.
He sounds decently mature by the way you have described him.
You don't.
If you have any more questions, please feel free to ask me! :)
P.S. Sex is a two person decision. Just because you're ready doesn't mean he needs to magically be ready too. Give him the respect he deserves and wait it out or get out of the relationship.
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