Wife, mother, loyal friend to the end, model, classic car collector. almost 30 years old, and seen alot in my few years here on earth. People usually come to me for advice, and i give in return grounded, realistic answers.
Gender: Female
Location: San diego
Member Since: January 18, 2005
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Last Update: June 30, 2016
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Dragonflymagic
adviceman49
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Lately my husband has been picking fights with me over anything and everything. No matter how small, it turns in to a knock down drag out ending with him telling me I should just go to my moms or telling me I should probably leave. It seems like he is always tip toeing around things while he waits for me to actually say them so I can be the bad guy. He may say "You just need to get your stuff and go to your moms, its not working out" and I'll say something along the lines of "fine if that's what you want ill get my things" and he will follow up with something like "you always leave". Then thirty minutes later he just acts like nothing ever happened..It makes me feel crazy. I don't feel like I should have to beg him for forgiveness over petty fights that turn in to him telling me to leave. It feels so immature and its hurting me. How do we get over this or can we? (link)
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Ok im gonna tell you what i tell alot of people that get into this situation. Take a break and leave for a while and even if he asks you to come back say no, and say that this is what you wanted and im honoring that request.
you shouldnt have to put up with this, it sounds like he already has it in his head that he wants to break up he just doesnt have the heart to say it outright and go through with it. Leave when hes not there if need be, take some of your things and make it known that if he ever threatens you in this manner again that it is for real over and you will not be coming back ever.
It sounds like hes going through something right now and he just is refusing to talk about it. You could try (if your even still up to it) to sit down with him and try to get him to really talk. come to him, put your hand on his leg, and ask if "we can talk" in a soft gentle manner. get him to look at you, make eye contact, and ask "whats really going on here with you lately?" and just be quiet and let him answer. stay poker faced, dont let anything he says get to you because in the state hes in he may lash out some but you have to be the adult here and let him just get it all out of his system. if it sounds like what hes saying it bullshit, then say "i dont think thats really what it is, whats really going on with you, youve been acting really different lately and im worried for you thats all" and maybe add a "i think i know you well enough to know when something is wrong, you seem really stressed out and i want to help if i can because i love you despite all the bullshit youve been putting me through lately with your attitude"
showing concern for someone but doing in it a firm tough love sort of way can really show them that you care but your not going to sit here and take whatever it is thats going on, or continue to allow it but that your here to help if hes open to it.
If hes not after that i dont know what to tell you except that it might be best for you to move on if he refuses to show improvement. your only one person and you can only help someone who wants to be helped. He cant just expect you to keep living like this.
whatever happens try to be the bigger person, and even if you break up continue to be civil so that you dont accidentally fuel the fire and give him anything realistic to hold against you. His moods sound really up and down and if i was you i would also check to make sure hes not using any kind of drugs or over using any kind of medication that could make him have extreme moods swings because thats not normal if he wasnt like that before.
good luck and feel free to inbox me if you need more help.
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The past few months my husband has really went downhill in a few ways. He has put on 50 pounds, he is always missing work, and no matter the problem or situation, I seem to get the back lash of it. He hardly talks to his family and expects me to do the same. He will turn small problems in to huge ones that he likes to make grudges of. I feel like nobody can do right by him and that eventually if I keep overlooking things, I will loose friends and family because of it. He is only friendly to me when he wants something. I work full time and do all of the house work with no help and am starting to think that this is how my life will be forever unless some actions are taken. I honestly feel very used and broken and think that we should be much happier than we are. They're good days, but over the past few months the bad is outweighing the good. Any helpful advice is greatly appreciated. (link)
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Well have you talked to him about this??
is there anyway you could sit him down and talk to him and ask him whats REALLY going on here, and why he seems to "have something against" everyone all the sudden these days??
It sounds like hes really stressed out about something and hes just not talking about it. If thats the case then make it known that if he doesnt tell you whats wrong how can you help fix it?? how can anyone how fix anything hes feeling if he wont make his feelings known to the people around him? and then just see what he says.
Let him do the talking. stay calm, dont let anything hurtful he might say get to you in these moments, he needs to see that he has your undivided attention and that you want to be attentive to him if he'll only give you the chance.
if hes feeling depressed about something thats out of his control, try to console him and say theres just some things in life that none of us can control but we have to try to move past it and keep going. Take him out and get him a nice hair cut. Really in this life the small things DO help and show others that you care and WANT things to be ok.
based on what youve said here today this is the best i can do. feel free to inbox me if you have more questions or need more help. good luck.
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I'd like to start this off by saying that I love my husband very much and want things to work out between us, but at the same time I don't want to be living in denial. We have only been married over half a year, and the problems seemed to start right when we returned from our honeymoon. I'm working full time while he only works 4 days a week and usually misses one of those days because he refuses to get up. If I'm at work all day while he's home he will play Xbox and hang out with friends instead of helping with chores so on my days off I have to spend practically the entire day trying to catch up. I've been trying to finish college the past 2 years but its impossible working 45+ hours a week and having no help at home. Through out our relationship we have both struggled with some weight gain, I was able to drop 60 pounds before our wedding while he gained around 70. I love him in any shape, but he tries to tempt me on diets and makes it even harder to not eat. It seems so dumb, but to anyone that has struggled with their weight knows how quickly you can gain it back and I don't feel like he should want that for me. I feel disrespected and a little trapped. Any time I bring up him missing work he throws a fit and some how makes me feel bad for even mentioning it. Are these just small things that will fade with time or the beginning of something toxic? (link)
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First let me just say WOOOOOW! and wipe my forehead before i get into this one.
Ok, lets break this down and try to understand things piece by piece and see if YOU feel this is fixable because only YOU know whats in your heart and only YOU know your husband. we dont. so i can only take your words at face value but im gonna try to help you here as much as i can and i hope things go your way.
First lets take apart the dynamics of your relationship, your the hard worker while he is the lazy ass is that what im hearing from you??
Now have things always been this way? where your the go "get her" type and hes just kinda floundering through life and is just kinda "ok with where hes at" in this life?? is this is true then no matter how hard you try, you are NOT the right match. If youve tried talking to him about this in a kind and gentle way and he STILL refuses to try to better himself for the sake of your financial situation work wise, then hes gotta go.
Sure theres always couples in life where they ARENT doing the exact same thing in life so naturally one partner makes more money then the other and one makes less, but it becomes and unhealthy thing when the person thats not making as much, has more free time, and is home all day is doing absolutely nothing while your hard at work slaving away to keep a roof over both your heads. Im sure everyone here can understand you feeling completely taken for granted and unappreciated and im sorry your going through that.
Next, communication: how well have you two been able to always talk? like REALLY DEEPLY TALK? not just a few comments here or there before the other walks totally out of the room and doesnt even take what your saying seriously??
Couple (and especially married ones) need to "check in" with each other on a pretty regular basis in order to maintain smooth continuity in a long term relationship. You need good communication to make sure that your always on the same page in life and that you still want the same things in life. I say this to you because from what youve said, it sounds like you dont want the same things because your working hard while hes not doing shit.
so if you cant "really talk" then your doomed and your going to end up even more unhappy as time goes on unless you do something about it and get him to really stop, LOOK AWAY FROM THE VIDEO GAMES and hear you out when you really need him to. ((ive gotten pretty damn good at this part with my hubby of a few years because im a very outspoken person)) lol. so i could probably literally tell you verbatim things to say to him to get him thinking "oh shit shes serious, i really need to get off my ass and help out around here" ; )
Next, weight gain issues: If you dont do the grocery shopping you should start now. Slowly faze out unhealthy foods in the house. cut back on large portions of food. Have him sit down with you together and eat like a couple. Say to him "we never get to just sit down and eat together like a couple anymore come on" even if your sitting on the couch together eating and not talking, it will slowly mean more and in a non-verbal way.
If he starts saying he doesnt like the things you pick out at the store then say "then come with me next time and you'll have more of a say (dont say it in a mean or snarky way) just say it like this is how it is and theres no way around it. see, the thing is you dont have to have an attitude or "be mean" to get your message across and make it known that "we're gonna start getting healthy around here weather you like it or not"
If he starts coming to the grocery with you then GREAT thats even better. Let him see you picking out salads and healthier items. This will show him that your GOING to get healthier with or without him and this will create a thought process for him of "ok wow shes really doing this now, i need to start doing something too or make up my mind about what i want"
If he refuses to eat healthier with you every once in a while then thats fine, just stop talking to him about it and let all the weight loss and efforts your making speak for itself.
If want to talk to him about it, ask about just eating one salad a week (or something else you deem healthy) while still being able to eat all the other food he chooses. then slowly bump it up to twice a week, and just replacing ONE MEAL during the day to something on the healthier side. pretty soon this will become a habit and youll both be eating better before you know it. maybe even take night time walks together before bed to burn off any unneeded calories.
No one is going to lose the weight unless they REALLY really want to. I think we all know thats true of lots of things in life. So it doesnt matter who tempts who onto a diet, but doing it as a couple could really help a ton more because you have someone to support you.
good luck and i hope it all works out for you feel free to inbox me if you need more help or have more questions. ; )
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We are planning to update our garden and looking for lawn mowing professionals. But my sister wants to do this on her own. I am in a thought of hiring professionals at http://www.gardeningnorthside.com.au/lawn-mowing-north-shore-sydney/. Please help what to do.
(link)
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I am always of the thought that if there is something you can do to save money by either doing it yourself or a family member doing it free then i see no reason why not. Theres so much crap we have to spend way too much money on in this world that is you can save a few bucks then im all for it.
you might consider buying a lawn mower used from on craigslist if you dont have one already and you have a significant amount of grass or land to cover. it will pay its self off later and will come in handy if you know others that need/want to use it, you can charge people you know a few bucks to rent it out. ; )
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So a few months ago, I met this amazing girl. She wasn't like the previous dates, we didn't jump into things too quickly. I got to know her deeply, and I loved every part of her. We both knew everything about each other, even things we couldn't tell others. We understood each other in a deep emotional level, and had a strong love connection. We started dating after a few months of knowing each other, but one day she just went A-wall. She disconnected from society, all her accounts were still up like Instagram and Kik, but she stopped posting and chatting to everyone. A few weeks later I was blocked from her Instagram, and blocked from her Kik about a week after. Then she begins to post on Instagram again. I don't know what to do because even after all this I still have a deep love for her, and I don't know why this happened, I've been down for months about this. even with my current girlfriend, I know in my heart that she was the one. Can anyone help me? PS: I'm 14 (link)
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im going to just add to the other poster and say that you should check on her.
If she just suddenly withdrew from talking to everyone then thats reason enough to be concerned and if you were close with her then you have the right to walk straight up to her parents house, knock on that door, and ask whoever answers if your friend is ok because of her recent actions.
your young so let me explain verbatim how you can do this ok:
knock on the door and someone opens (lets say its one of her siblings or a parent)
you act friendly, say hello, and ask if shes there. If youve met the family member before just be super nice and say "hey!!! how are you?! and smile, and say its been a while huh?!? and laugh. (get them invested emotionally in you being there so they WANT to please you and not disappoint you) just incase your friend really doesnt want to see you because they have something against you.
Once you have someone on your side thats emotionally invested they will put pressure on your friend to just go to the door and talk to them for a moment.
Next: if its a parent, be polite and respectful, yet serious and "concerned" for your friend. Say something like: Hi, i wanted to check on (name here) and see how shes doing is she around right now??
if the parent says no shes not, or that she doesnt want to see you or cant, YOU SAY: well some of her other friends have spoken to me and their concerned for her well being because i guess she has stopped talking to a BUNCH of people lately so i thought i would just come over and check on her so that i could let them all know whats going on......(pause here and wait for a response from the parent)
just look at them and be silent and make it seem like your giving them a chance to explain whats going on so that you can also report back to all your mutual friends and THEY wont all be coming over one by one to bother the family.
(you can also mention that you didnt want all their mutual friends to come over and bother them one by one if she was going through something and needed some space right now.) you'll come off as just concerned for your friend but not trying to nag them. honestly one good visit to someones front door will usually tell you all you need to know.
you could also try speak with anyone else you know me might still be friends with and asking if everything is ok. Theres no harm in that, your simply concerned (as im sure other people are for her) and your trying to find out whats going on. HOWEVER, once youve done that, leave it at that. Stay friendly with any friends you know shes probably still talking to, but dont push those people for info on her.
It could come off as stalking or prying and i know thats not what your trying to do here. If THEY bring her up first then feel free to ask questions back but dont let every encounter you have with a friend of hers start with "hey where is she, whats she been up to etc" they wont like that and pretty soon youll lose them as potential contacts and then youll NEVER be able to find out whats going on with her again.
you still have years and years left of learning how to properly interact with people that will come and go through your life, so the best thing i can tell you that will save you alot of time will be to WATCH people. simply observing them over time throughout knowing them will tell you alot about the type of person they are and what they are capable of. This will then give you the option of choosing if you want to have them in your life or not. ; )
good luck (i had a best friend do this same shit to me as a youngster so i know that pain trust me)
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Hi there me and my wife have been married for 15 years we have known each other for 18 years we where high school sweethearts but this past year she has been chatting with guys on a website ashley Madison and she just recently told she has had affairs with all kind of guys on that website not sure how to deal with it thinking about leaving need some feed back (link)
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This is a tough one. Have you talked to her and asked why she had the affairs?
Has communication been an issue for along time or ever?? what has happened in both your or her life that has made things go down hill for the two of you??
I think you know the answer here because obviously you know her better then we do.
Talk to her. get her to tell you why she did these things so that you can better understand first before you leave. Having closer is important with something like this if you ARE going to leave. Its OK to feel hurt obviously, anyone would at this point but she still owes you some sort of explanation here.
If your a man of few words, this might be a difficult conversation for you to have but you will thank me months down the line when you are still thinking back on this and trying to heal and pick up the pieces so that you can move on.
thats about as much advice as i can give you since you havent yet said that youve spoken with your wife. Are you still living until the same roof? do you have kids together?? if you do then if you need to yes, leave. If you dont and shes the one that cheated them maybe she should pack her bags and go.
Feel free to inbox me if you like my advice and would like more insight.
i hope things work out for you. good luck
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People just don't seem to listen to me, I feel that my friend feels like she has to be my friend, I do try with people, but I just don't connect, I feel that I bore them... If you ask anyone they would say I'm lovely, and If they want advice or if they are having a bad time, they would come to me. But when it comes to having a laugh, it feels so fake. Friends feel like the world to me, but I seems to be a one way relationship, I'm tired of being the doormat, but it seems people only want to know me if they want something. What's wrong with me. How can I change this? Its really starting to affect my confidence, but its hard not having anyone there for me - not that I'm a depressing person, but it would be nice to know that I could have at least one person to talk to, instead of some website (that I am actually grateful I found) I don't know what I'm trying to ask here, I know I cant make people like me, but why do they seem so fake to me? Am I the fake person? I want to just get over myself, relax, but when I talk to people, they just seem disinterested. I just suck really.. A boring doormat. God there is so much negativity in this post ha. (link)
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Ok, what im getting from your post here is that your questioning yourself alot which is making me question if you are really the fake person here (not in a bad way) but maybe you feel so weak personality wise that your projecting it onto other people thinking that they can also see it and are thinking the worst of you.
If "anyone you asked would say your lovely" but your saying your not, then who's problem is that?? yours. What you need to do is not focus on what you've perceived as people being fake or thinking their being your friend for ill-legit reasons (because life isnt about what everyone else does but what you do with your own life) and start looking inward, reflecting, and working on yourself because your projecting onto others.
Whether your friends really are fake or not, also does not mean you have to be passive. If your being TOO passive and not voicing your true opinions then your being the fake friends because your saying one thing and doing another and thats not genuine. No one wants a fake friends (even if its one thats just very passive and agreeable for the sake of the friendship) its not fair to you or the other person.
and your RIGHT friendship IS a two way street and if their being what should be genuine with you and your not with them then what does that say about you??
You sound like you have very low self esteem, which you can change easily if you really wanted to. If you dont like your current friends then reach out to old ones that you used to know that were strong at the time and catch up! if they really still value you as a friend, then they will be friendly, and open and have no problem with you calling to say hello. real genuine people are like that.
a simple "heyy how have you been ive been thinking of you but have been busy" is usually more then enough for people. ; )
you should only have people in your life that care about you (for real) and not people who are only there to look out for themselves or have their own agenda. Real friends encourage you to better yourself and want to see you growing as a person and standing on your own two feet.
good luck
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I am a 21 year old female going on 22, currently finishing my degree. I have a rather different life compared to most 21 year olds, I have parents that still dictate my life regarding when I go out with friends, how long I go out for and if I go out one one day of the weekend I'm not allowed to go out any other day. I realize it because I still live under their roof I have to follow the rules, but this is not the issue. The reason I've brought this up is because it's the only attention I seem to receive from my father, I have made me fair share of mistakes as a teenager that did not make my parents proud, but I have spent the last 6 years of my life making them proud, my mum has forgiven me but father doesn't seem to, and believe me I don't mean anything drastic, I basically got caught drinking with my friends after school when I was 16 and that has seemed to ruin my life. Ever since then my father gives me no affection, comes home after work walks pass me and greets my 17 year old sister, he praises her accomplishments, he's there for her through the things he's never done for me, and I can't seem to understand it since my sister is not doing anything with her life, she's taken a year off studying and still doesn't know what she wants to do. I've tried and failed to receive love from my father, he is deeply involved in religion all of a sudden and if I ever refuse prayer, he yells that it is the law in this house and forces me. My father is a person that constantly needs to display authority, there is no arguing with him or expressing your feelings he'd just get mad. I don't need a solution because I'm prepared to move out at least a year from now, to get away from this , I just need to understand what I've done wrong and why he treats me this way. (link)
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Heres the thing. Its not always YOU ok. Sometimes people think their lives are going to one way and when they go another people get deeply depressed to the core and for whatever reason they will refocus that anger on someone else and find someone else to blame for things that have gone wrong or "not according to plan".
What you might try doing first of all, is no matter what he says, DONT LET IT GET TO YOU. Dont let him stir such deep emotions in you that force you to take that anger out on yourself or others because its not worth it and youll only be feeding into his bullshit.
There are plenty of men who feel like they need to show authority in their house, and that is something you should really talk to your mom about because shes probably having to deal with this too and it could be just as stressful for her that her husband is practically ignoring one of their children more then the other.
I would try to talk to her first and get her on my side by asking her how shes doing with dad acting the way he is, and if it ever gets to her. is she the passive type? or does she ever stand up to him and defend you?
As a wife this would piss me off alot. Its not ok to practically ignore our children and make them feel like they are somehow "unworthy".
What you also might try is when everything is calm, the house is quiet, and hes sitting there just watching tv and seems calm, just walk up to him, sit down near him and ask if "we can talk" stay completely serious.
maybe start out with a "hey watcha watching??" ((wait for his answer as you sit down nearby))
If he seems to answer you in a calm manner or if he doesnt answer you at all, say hey i was wondering if we could talk, just the two of us?" ((even if your mom is there thats ok))
((wait for his response, saying completely calm no matter what comes out of his mouth dont let it set you off))
If he agrees, ask if he or you can turn off the tv so that you can make eye contact.
then say "is everything ok between you and me? you seem kinda like youve been in a mood lately or upset with me"
((let him answer, stay totally quiet and poker faced do NOT show a reaction or interrupt him because he needs to see that your paying complete attention here in this moment))
now we're going to talk worst case scenario and best case.
worst: he gets pissed off because you interrupted his show or something and leaves the room refusing to talk this out.
you will: ask him where hes going, say you only wanted to talk and let him walk away because hes too much of a coward to act like an adult and a parent.
best case: Hes says ok, turns his full attention to you and is open to talking.
you will: say youve been feeling like hes mad at you for some reason and your not sure why but that you'd like to hear from him and where hes at right now with thinks. ((your basically "checking in with him" and trying to gauge where his head is at when it comes to his thoughts, his attitude, why he hasnt been talking to you.
You can mention here that you "dont like not talking and remember when you were little that things being easier to talk with him about up until recently" ((even if its not totally true this may hit a nerve for him emotions why and his heart may soften up a little for you to worm your way in there. ; )
once he softens you can gently ask if you done something wrong, or if hes just going through some things right now and that your asking because despite everything you DO care about his mental well being.
you saying big words like this will probably shock him and make him feel like you are REALLY growing up because you actually care what he thinks and feels.
i can help you more with this if you need to you can hit me up in my inbox. ; )
good luck.
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What does it mean if you cry over a boy every night while he has a girlfriend but he isn't happy with the girlfriend because every night he cries at night because he misses you? (link)
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well i think it means that your both really not happy without each other and he should just end things now with his lady and be with you....the answer seems pretty simple here even though its probably a bit more complicated then that because if life WERE this simple there would be a whole lot more happier people walking around right. lol.
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Will sex hurt the first time badly ? 😩
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not if you have the other person finger you first and loosen you up. lube is always good and will really ease any pain you might have. ; )
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Hi! So one of my friends is going out to dinner for a special occasion, and I heard her say (right in front of me) that if some guy couldn't go, I would be invited. I definitely want to say no if that happens. I think that that was so rude of her. Do you agree? Am I overreacting? (link)
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your not wrong for being upset. The way that it came off when you over heard it, COULD have come off badly and you were left feeling like their "plan B" friend. which i can totally understand.
I actually have a friend thats done that kinda shit to me in the past and i confronted her on it every time after a while and made her explain herself.
I think if this person is your friend then you HAVE the right to say you over heard it and tell her your "not trying to over react but you heard her say that and couldnt help but feel a little hurt because it sounded like i was your "filler" or "plan b" friend"
Then let HER do the talking. Let her explain the situation and then if her answer satisfies you, then say "im sorry i dont want you to think im acting all overly sensitive i just over heard it and couldnt help how i felt so i thought i would come to you as one friend to another so we could talk it out, but everything is totally ok now dont worry" then act friendly and change the subject.
this will make her feel like this whole thing was still on a really innocent level and you came to her for an explanation BECAUSE you care about the friendship and didnt want something she may have not even met to sound mean to get between you both. ; )
if she gets upset with you, you might try explaining what i just said to you above.
if shes STILL persistent on acting stupid over it then shes not really your friend anyway and doesnt care about how you feel.
good luck
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Hello, I'm the woman who was on this site a couple of days ago asking for advice about my friend, D' s behavior towards his ex girlfriend, A. I'm sorry to bother you, but since you said that I could inbox you if I needed to, I wanted to ask you something about an answer I got to my question this morning. This answer got me thinking about my own judgement of the situation. I don't agree with the answer because this guy totally put words in my mouth and twisted shit all around, but what I was curious about was whether or not D sees things this way. This was the answer:
""D was always paranoid that A was going to cheat on him"
A very sensible thing to think, seeing as he "stole" her off P.
"A is a devout Christian"
A is a devout hypocrite if she is having sex with someone to whom she is not married. You say that A is "jaw-droppingly beautiful". People tend to think better of attractive people than they deserve, and it seems to me that that's what you are doing here.
"A broke up with D a couple of weeks ago when her ex boyfriend, J came back."
LOLZ! So A was only doing D because she was temporarily without her preferred "the D", if you know what I mean. How long did she last without getting some? A month? A week? My picture of A begins to come into focus.
"I've tried to tell him that he's better off because they were too different and because she's kind of a player anyway"
No kidding. That's putting it mildly. He religion means nothing to her, her relationship
with J means nothing to her, and poor Mr D (whose penis she was using for a while, until J came back) means less than nothing to her.
"Does D sound like a stalker? If so, what, as his friend, can I do about it?"
No. If he'd been going through her trash or spying through their windows, *then* he would sound like a stalker. He's just coming to grips with the problem that he has been steamrolled by some attractive people.
You know what this sounds exactly like? It sounds like the plot of "The Great Gatsby".
"They were careless people, Tom and Daisy--they smashed up things and creatures and then retreated back to their money or their vast carelessness, or whatever it was that kept them together, and let other people clean up the mess they had made."
My advice? Show him my post here. Let him read this:
D, you know how you feel that A would be more into you if you were better-looking? You are absolutely right. She would. Loose weight. Get in shape. Maybe even take up a martial art, for confidence. Oh, you won't get A again cause all the work in he world won't make you tall, but you will be able to get the P you want. Leave J and A to it."
There's no way in Hell I'm putting a question in this guy's inbox, but his response did make me think. His comments made A sound like a heartless slut and made D sound like a innocent wimp. D' s my friend and I love him, but YOUR answer seemed spot on to me. The guy who left this answer was wrong about almost everything. They never had sex, and she did try to make their relationship work. He was the one who didn't. She did care about him, but he pushed her away. She was the religious one and he mocked her beliefs. She cares about him and J and does not use them for sex, but this guy assumes that's the only reason she would want either one of them. Sure, she dumped P for D, but it's not like she dated them both at the same time and it's not like D was innocent in that situation either. His answer upset me quit a bit because now I'm freaked out that D sees things the way this guy does, which makes me worry about him and guys in general more. Is this the way some guys think? It can't be the way they ALL think. I don't know the genders of the first two posters, but their responses and yours were great. I'm pretty sure Rahzie is a woman and that Dragonflymagic is too, but the last poster is a guy (the only guy) and his answer bothers me. Especially since he sees NOTHING wrong with D's behavior, even the standing outside of her bedroom window at night. Guys in general don't see this as normal, do they? (link)
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Thank you, and you absolutely CAN inbox me anytime. ((Ive always been really good with people and through the years with friends always coming to me for advice AS situations are playing out right in front of me ive learned quite a bit))
the guy poster your talking about is a bit opinionated TRUE but not all guys think like him NO absolutely not. He too has probably been hurt in the past maybe even by a similar situation happening in his life and thats why it was easier for him to see things the way he saw them. When i read your question and then his response i could see how he could have taken it the way he did. Through no fault of either of you, what you may have been trying to convey and what he interpreted things as came across wrong thats all. It happens all the time and theres no shame in it, all he has is his own thoughts right in that moment when hes reading what you wrote so he has no choice but to take what your saying at face value because none of us can hear the tone in your voice, or your concern for your friend. kinda like how texting with a friend can end up in an argument at times. see what im saying?? maybe your friend thought you said something "mean" when you didnt mean it that way at all.
what we do here is give as many answers as we can you if YOU feel someone gives one that could work for you then you can run with it. you dont have to agree with what everyone says because their view of the world may be somewhat skewed or from an angle of someone that is emotionally damaged making their advice not usable.
good luck and feel free to hit me up anytime!
(everyone else does ; ) hahaha
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I want to apologize if this ends up being a little long, but please take the time to read it if you can. Let's say that you had a friend (a 27 year old man) who you cared for very much who's behavior towards his ex girlfriend is starting to worry you.
We'll call this guy by his first initial, D. D basically stole this girl from his good friend, P after having not shut up about her or left her alone for a while. It was a little creepy the way he'd talk about his friend's girlfriend and the way he'd look at her, but whatever. They ended up getting together eventually anyway.
You got the feeling that D didn't think he was good enough for this girl, who we'll call A. While they are both attractive, A is kind of out of D's league. D is boyishly good looking in a way that not everyone sees. Also he's gained quite a bit of weight and started dying his hair a weird color. A is jaw droppingly beautiful. She's very different and interestingly looking and has gorgeous features, but is very, very modest.
D was always paranoid that A was going to cheat on him or that she was only dating him because she was too modest to know that she was out of his league. He was always worried that she'd eventually realize that he was prettier than he was and she'd dump him for it. To be honest, I think she already knew, but wasn't as shallow as he was and got sick of him worrying so much about it.
I knew it wouldn't work anyway. They were too different. A is a devout Christian while D is a staunch,militant atheist. A is more conservative while D is very liberal. And they have different values and goals in life. It was bound to fall about eventually, the only question was when.
A broke up with D a couple of weeks ago when her ex boyfriend, J came back. J is a lot like A and is definitely more in her league than D. He is, like her, jaw droppingly beautiful. To say that he is movie star handsome would be an understatement. He's a Christian, he's more conservative, and his personality, values, and goals are more like hers.
It's for the best that they broke up, but D is unwilling to stand for it. I've tried to tell him that he's better off because they were too different and because she's kind of a player anyway, but he won't let her go. He calls her all the time and gets crazy, tornado pissed when she won't answer. He asks her friends where she goes all the Tim, specifically with J and then shows up at those places and begs her to come back to him. He shows up at her house all of the time and stands outside of her window while she's asleep just to be near her.
He made a comment once about how he wished he was stronger and more in shape so he could use his muscles to keep A and J away from each other. D's not a big guy. He's about 5'7 with no muscle and a lot of fat. J is over 6 feet tall and would be all skin and bones is t wasn't for his muscles. He's got some good sized ones and if he and D ever got in a fight, J would win. Even A would have a chance at taking him if they got in a fight.
The comment he made implied that he'd beat J and intimidate A out of leaving him if he could. I don't think he ever actually physically hurt them, but I know he's thought about it and wishes he at least had the ability to do so.
Does D sound like a stalker? If so, what, as his friend, can I do about it? (link)
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WOW. Well for your friend being the liberal atheist type he sure as shit is ruled by his emotions 99 percent of the time.
lets brake this apart piece by piece and see if we can understand this and help you help your friend ok.
Your friend needs to get over her, and he cant do that because hes ruled by his emotions. People who are ruled by their emotions can be dangerous unstable people because they live their lives LITERALLY moment to moment, and everything that happens around them effects their feelings which can be dangerous if your friend is the type that will reach for anger and violence first instead of sadness after a break up like most normal logical thinking people do. ((((ive been through years of family therapy and im sure you can tell by now lol)))
What you could try to do is have a serious sit down with him. Tell him that even though his actions say "im angry over this" what they actually say to the world is: "im hurt, im sad, i want her back and i know that nothing im doing is working and i dont know what else to do"
With some people, they will do anything to keep a beautiful woman even if it means changing some to fit her while others either cant, dont know how, or are unwilling because their scared or just selfish. It doesnt sound like from the way you described it that hes selfish, it sounds like hes scared and/or doesnt know how. (so we've already got one part of this ruled out) It sounds like this is leaning more towards he KNEW already that they were way too different and KNEW that unless one of them changed that it wouldnt work but he refused to face it because he actually is very in love or smitten with her.
My guess is that he was too lazy to realize he needed to change to better suit her or that she would grow to put up with their differences and NOT leave him and he was wrong. She gave him a chance, he screwed up, KNOWS IT, and cant get over the fact that they are just not meant to be. sometimes in life youll meet people who you could swear could be a soul mate or that you would love to have as one but then you really get to know them and their not what you thought they were and they certainly arent about to sit around and take your bullshit and fight because they know they could do better.
the only thing he could have done here was apologized like crazy and tried to make it up to her before J came back and he didnt, so his laziness to put forth any effort for the sake of the relationship strikes again. (((are you seeing the pattern here?? yet??))
I would ask him how hes so willing to continue to try to have contact with her yet he wasnt willing to nurture the relationship when he had the chance?? hes not "better off" and im sure your just telling him that because your trying to make him feel better because hes your friend but honestly, hes the one that doesnt deserve her. Being insecure to the point where your taking it out on others isnt ok and no one wants to be in a relationship with someone like that because its drama and stressful and no one wants to deal with shit like that.
if shes the conservative type and not shallow then this has nothing to do with his looks. not if she gave him an honest to god shot and he still managed to screw it up. He sounds controlling and needs to do some real soul searching and reflecting and this probably needs to be a learning experience for him. she was probably right to brake up with him if hes like that because i would think anyone that doesnt want to be a puppet or a slave to him would know they are worth more.
good luck and feel free to come back and let us know how its going, you can even inbox me if you need more help. Dont get angry with him no matter what happens because that will only fuel his own emotions. hes probably a wreck inside right now so even if he acts like a dick to you, keep it civil, stay calm, dont play into anything he tries to say to make you angry or be hurtful because it not going to help anything and he'll just put his guard up and then god only knows what will happen.
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My best friend has been in my life since childhood. We grew up together, went through middle and (most of) high school together. That was until our junior year when she got her first serious boyfriend. She was 16 and he was around 26. Within a few weeks she fell head over heels for him and started talking to me less and less. he would get mad when she came over, or even talked to me too much. he said i would get her hurt or not watch out for her well enough. she was her own person but he acted like she was his child. eventually he made her choose between us and ultimately she did, and we weren’t really true friends again until after graduation. i now understand that she’s in an abusive relationship. we have talked about that since then and she has come to terms with it. she has said she was scared before, and then the next day she will be happily in love. we both just turned 20 and for years it has been a roller coaster of a relationship. we will secretly reunite and email in private, sometimes even videotaping or meeting for lunch. she will always say she wants to leave him, but she never does. we will talk for months and get really attached again, it’s like we’re friendship soulmates in that way. she’s like a sister to me. i have a connection with her like no one else, ever. no matter how long it has been we will reunite and within weeks it will be like the old days. she will eventually tell him she wants to be my friend and then after a while he makes her choose. we will talk about a plan for her to leave him but she never follows through with it and i will be left in the dust. once or twice i have went with her to leave him (at hear request) and he always talks her out of it. he’s so controlling. she can’t see her friends, family, go anywhere, etc. she never leaves him no matter how depressed she becomes. it’s like a cycle, sometimes he will be okay and give her freedom, and then he will get worse again. that’s usually when she decides to email me again. i don’t want to victim blame but she is hurting me! even if she is in an abusive relationship. i want to help her and be there for her but it’s really negatively affecting me. i don’t think she wants to hurt me, but she definitely does. we were friends in secrets from january to march and then he found out and it eventually ended AGAIN. she just emailed me a few days ago saying: "this is nothing more than a happy birthday email. hope you’re doing okay, and so is your family and pets. i got another ferret, he’s the cutest. anyway, like i said this is nothing more than just a happy birthday. hope this doesn’t upset your day. “ /// i don’t know what to reply to this. i want to, but i don’t want to get hurt. what does she want from me? she says we can’t be friends and that she will never message me again until she leaves her boyfriend. does she want me to reply? is she just taunting me? it instantly upset me and i can’t stop thinking about it. what do i do? i miss my best friend more than anything. i don’t know what to do. i just want her back in my life but i don’t have much hope. i want to be there for her, what if her life is bad? from her social media she seems to be happy but i know looks can be deceiving. what does she want me to do? i’m so lost. i feel like such an idiot trying to go back and help her and then getting hurt over and over again.
(link)
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hes trying to use isolation as his main way to control her. If shes not around anyone else then they cant tell her that hes doing bad things to her and get her to think for herself.
This is going to sound painful but your going to have to choose what you want to do here. She clearly is hurting you, and causing you pain because of her actions even if shes not trying to she is. Ive been through this kinda shit before with friends who have controlling boyfriends ok.
YOU make her choose between the two of you. tell her that you cant take the pain anymore of you guys constantly breaking off the friendship and her not being able to communicate with you AND others anymore just because of her boyfriend. She needs to hit rock bottom and maybe lose everyone before she REALLY for REAL decides shes going to leave him this time forever. If you have faith that the two of you have the strong friendship and connection that you have then once you tell her this, it will devastate her IN A GOOD WAY and shake her to her core, making her realize that this guy REALLY IS fucking up her life. because her best friend just told her that SHE cant even take his shit anymore. see?? its not directly her fault that hes controlling, but its directly her fault that shes continuing to allow it.
If she values your friendship as much as you do then telling her that you cant stick around and watch this anymore and that you love her and wish her the best but that you care too much about her to be able to stand around and watch her be abused and isolated by her man, but if she ever leaves him FOR REAL that you will be the first one there for her. but out of respect for your feelings as a person i think she needs to give you some space because this is clearly stressing you out alot and you have to draw the line somewhere when it comes to friendships and personal relationships. With every one of these there are boundaries that both people respect and do not cross.
do not except her phone calls, unless she says shes broken up with him and even then she needs to show some progress or proof that shes really moved on and isnt with him anymore.
shes going down a dangerous road here that isnt going to end well and you dont want to be the one to get the phone call that hes beat the shit outta her and shes in the hospital or worse. your spending alot of time worrying about her when you have your own life to live. i know that sounds cold but thats reality of it.
what you can do is find some battered womens shelters for her to go to if she really does decide she wants to leave him. offer her the info and then say that you need to distance yourself now.
right now you have to try to remember that she isnt your best friend. shes blinded by love so hard that shes putting other relationships with important people in her life aside just for him and thats not ok. your real friend would never do that, and she needs something to shake her awake from this. she might have to lose everyone first before shes willing to wake up but its a move that needs to be made.
talk to some more of her other friends or family that she is still communicating with and let them know that this is your idea and that this just might work if you all ban together and do it as a team. i know it might seem like your ganging up on her or something but if you all love her then youll ban together to try to do SOMETHING.
good luck and hit me up if you need more help, ive done this before for a friend who ended up being brutally stabbed almost to death by her abusive husband because she would not leave him. trust me, getting the phone call that your friend has been hospitalized because her man beat her or hurt her to within an inch of her life is not one you wanna get.....he had never hurt my friend before that day in that way. but he did exact the exact same way you described.
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My name is Rachel and i am a 26 year old female and Father's Day is this Sunday and my dad died when I was 12 and my parent's divorced when I was 3 years old so I don't even really remember him.
How can you miss someone you don't even remember ? The other day I went it to the store and I caught my self buying circus penuts because the only thing I remembered about my dad was that he always had them in his pocket and I don't even like Circus Penuts .
I always go to the cemementary every year on Father's day even though I know that he is not there it's just his body but it's just because he is my dad . How do I get over missing my dad that I never really new ? (link)
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Its ok to miss your dad. The thoughts normally for people in this situation is the "what could have been" sort of stream of thought and the "how could my life have been different if he'd lived" as well.
I think its great that your still honoring your father by visiting what Is still left of him where he is buried, that just shows him already that you cared all along and im sure he knows it.
What ive told family members and people that have lost someone close to them (even years after theyve passed away) is to think about them before you go to bed. Tell them that you'd love to sit and talk with them sometime in your dreams and that you'd be open to them "visiting" you there. Dont EXPECT anything to happen just let things go after that, relax, fall asleep and just see what happens.
psychics actually run in all the women on my fathers side of the family and we all receive messages in our dreams because thats when you are the most "open" and vulnerable to spirits.
then in the morning before you wake up and open your eyes, try to lay still and "rewind" on the dream like you would with an old video tape! remember the "be kind rewind" thing? imagine that in your mind and try to remember as MUCH as you can before you open your eyes because the moment you do that, your brain already starts to process what your seeing for the day and the memory of the dream will slip away from you SO easy.
if you CAN manage to dream and you see your father but didnt quite master that last part of remembering it, dont worry, he will come back and try again. they always do ; )
good luck and just try what i suggested and see what happens.
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hey i an from Limpopo.im in a new relationship.me n my bf we a naw datin for 1month n 3days.i love my bf so much n i try to make him happy but dat doesnt hide de fact dat my bf is still inlove wth his ex who has died.wen he need me i go n be wth him.on saturday it was his bdae n i made a suprise party for him n i invited his friends n ada gals.he was very happy n i was happy to see him happy.but dat dae at nyt he said i shuld not leave i shuld sleep ova n i did so.he started talking abt his ex who died n his ex was buried on saturday on his bdae.he told me dat he is over her n he dnt luv her anymore but his actions was telling me another story.he evn cried for his ex infront of me n didnt wt tu du or wat to say.my heart was heavy wen he was kissing me he suddenly stopped n he said he cant.yesterdae he removed de status on watsap he wrote abt me n write dat he love his ex n he change a profile pic n put his ex.i cried alone n my hurt was heavy realising dat im truly,madly n deeply inlove wth him.what do i have to do? (link)
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Im sorry for the situation your in.
I couldnt understand some of what you were saying because your spelling but im gonna try to help you here anyway.
So did his ex die just recently?? you didnt mention WHEN she actually passed away?? so im not sure how long hes been grieving but if it hasnt been that long i think that you need to take a step back and think about what could be going through his mind right now. She might have been his first serious girlfriend even though they didnt work out, there will always be a mutual caring there but an understanding that they wernt as compatible as a couple then they thought but that doesnt mean that one of them is a bad person, it just means they arent meant to be.
not all couples break up in an angry ugly way that involves fighting and hurting the other person badly. sometimes its a mutual choice and some can even still KNOW each other and keep in contact.
The best thing you can do right now is try to be there for him. Ask him if it helps you will go to the cemetery with him, by his side and put flowers or candles on her grave to show that even though you might not have known her, she was important to HIM at one point and if something is important to him then its important to YOU and you want to show him that your willing to honor anyone that he holds so special. (((this will elevate you in his mind and make him think that you care so deeply for him that your willing to love him through the grief of his last girlfriend see??))) its a very mature thing to do. Try to comfort him and tell him shes in a better place now and that it'll just be like theyve gone a while without seeing each other but that shes always around in spirit and if he was important to her still then she'll look out for him from heaven.
These things happen in life sometimes and we cant choose the cards we are dealt in this life. All we can do is try to make the best of things and honor the ones we've lost. they know your doing it and they will look out for you because you showed them so much love.
chance are if you stick by his side through this tough time then when hes ready he will consider you FIRST as a partner again because you were there for him when he needed it most.
; ) good luck.
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so I was with my bff then i was walking with her and then I wanted to use her phone but then I texted her aunt by accident It was meant to go to my other friend because we always did that kind of thing. I wrote some unacceptable things to her by accident and then my bffs aunt called her and then my bff was in trouble. Her aunt said she might not tell my bffs mum but my bffs other friend over heard and told my bffs mum. now she hates me and doesnt let me and my bff see eachother... i cried all the time i still do its been 1 day since it happened i dont know what to do! (link)
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ahh man, you really flubbed up on this didnt you....well all's i can say is i have to agree with the other poster here. I have a young son and if i over heard or caught one of his friends encouraging or talking about something totally inappropriate i would be calling his parents and pulling the plug on the friendship immediately UNLESS his parent and/or ME TOO could speak with him about this.
Dont assume that if you go to say sorry that they will be mean to you, most parents understand that your young, you dont think before you speak, but that your taking the first step in saying that your ARE sorry for what you said. just THAT right there will show them that you learned from your mistake ON YOUR OWN and realized that it wasnt smart.
usually they will speak gently and kindly with you and talking like this or doing things like whatever it was you were saying can get you in trouble down the road in the future, and will take pitty on you and MAYBE allow the friendship to resume so long as they dont hear anything else bad going on.
let me tell you a little story that ive had with recently with a parent and one of my sons friends ok, and you tell me if you think this is ok or not. put yourself in my shoes as a mom with a young child so that you can understand this ok: One of my sons little friends has a bad habit of spitting (he learned it from his father who isnt around anymore and was nothing but a bad influence anyway) this child learned that it was OK to spit at people and throw shoes and food at people. My son had NO idea that it was acceptable to do these kinds of the things UNTIL he started hanging out with this child, and NOW i cant get him to stop it!
It very disrespectful and in our household NEVER acceptable at all.
Ive had to cut off the friendship because of it and i really didnt want to because the mother ive known since we were teenagers and i like her alot but she cant seem to get him to stop either.
Now tell me weather or not you would want your little one around another child who spits and throws food and shoes at people when they dont get their own way?? see?
you would probably cut things off right away and try to get them to stop doing that right??
ok well thats how the parent of your friend probably feels right now.....so what do you think the right thing would be to do here??
youve not only made your friends parents not like you but you now have a record in their minds that you do things that are unacceptable to them and you havent said your sorry yet either.
chances are the longer you wait the more time they will have to think about it and come to the decision that you ARE really a bad influence and that they dont want their kid around you EVER. so really the sooner you go back and try to smooth things over the better off youll be even if they still dont allow the friendship. youll have cleared your name and youll be able to say that you went over there asap and said you were sorry (if even you lie to them and say that the text was meant for someone else or you were talking about someone else or that someone else was using your phone) JUST SOME kind of explanation to show that your sorry they got that. just go clear your name NOW before its too late. then let things calm down for a while, give your friend some space, and then see how things go. once her parents calm down from all this they might just be ok with you again because you "came over and said you were sorry about it all soon after it happened"
if you have to have one of your parents call her mother and have THEM talk. sometimes when adults talk to each other things can work out for the better. you might be able to get your mom to convince her mom that you didnt mean what you said, that your mom spoke with you over all this, that your sorry, and that you "hope it doesnt effect the friendship any" because you ARE after all young and rash.
good luck and i hope it works out for you.
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now, its gonna seem kinda wierd, but I have a crush on my mom's younger brother's friend, he's 32 and I am 13. I had a crush on him since last month and he is really kind. He lives next to my apartment. He is in a job and is moving away as to find another job. He is really sweet. I broke down crying the second I realized he is moving away. I can't possibbly visit him, he doesnt uses facebook/Myspace etc. I dont have his phone no. OMG what should I do?
Help me...
MikuMitsuki
Age: 13
Female
From India (link)
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Ok first off, you WILL get over this. i know it might seem tough now but youll find someone just as special in the future.
Also since hes 32 and your only 13, im wondering if hes not just being nice and "kind" to you because he views you as a child still and your the sister of his friend....
also think about this. by the time your, old enough to legally date him, he'll be in his 40's and although i do believe in most cases that age is just a number because i was 13 and my now husband of 14 years was 21 years old when we first met, this for you is just too MUCH of an age gap sweetie. if you want to keep in touch with him in a way that comes off as your asking for him to keep in touch with your FAMILY, and not just you.
This will provide a safe way to keep in contact with him, and see how your feelings change over the time as you grow up. He probably sees you as way to young and thats why hes so nice to you but i doubt it goes much deeper then that. im sorry but it must be said.
good luck.
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Hi for whoever answers this! Ok, so I looked all over the Internet and couldn't find an answer so i was hoping maybe one of you would know the answer. Ok, so I heard for women if they eat less than 1200 calories their body could go into starvation mode. I eat about half those calories, but I still eat plenty. I just eat things that are low in calories and don't overeat. If I start taking in more calories or even eat sugar, then I'll feel like I can't stop. Plus for me, these diets are addicting and I'm perfectly fine with that. I also work off about 130 calories at least each day so it's like my net is around 500 calories. If I eat more, I'll stretch my stomach out, and if I eat things in higher calories, then I'll get back to eating fatty foods, and I feel healthy foods will, well, keep me healthier. I have felt so much better since starting this diet, but I heard that these diets can burn out your metabolism. Will this happen if your still eating enough and have high metabolism foods (egg whites, coffee, green tea, grilled chicken, etc)? To be honest, I'm a little too worried to stop this diet because I always go on and off with this diet and every time I "take a break" from it, I can never seem to stop eat fatty foods and I get to where I don't want to exercise as much. So after hearing all of this, is this diet still ok for me since I eat enough and eat high metabolism foods? It's probably not gonna change the way I eat, I just really need to know. Thank you so much for your time! (link)
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ok i have to agree with razhie here on some of this. the average person NEEDS at LEAST 1200 calories a day to function, or youll feel sleepy, groggy, have low energy and your body will want to eat things you shouldnt because it wants the temporary immediate boost in blood sugar that it gives until you have a sugar crash and it happens all over again.
what you need to do is kick start YOUR OWN metabolism, not eat things you think are metabolism boosting. idk anything about any kind of "boosting foods" but what i do is buy salad fixings and have a good healthy salad once a week and then sooner twice a week, and up and up. in between that you can still so long as you take a walk after to burn off the fat that will come later. also walking helps you sleep better and deeper and this over time will build up your energy.
with a diet thats healthier over time youll want to lean towards healthier foods on your own and not because you have to or feel obligated. buy more fruits and veggies and SLOWLY wean yourself off the junk. this is a long range plan not a quick fix because your body is a temple and needs to last you for a good long time so there doesnt need to be a rush.
the best thing you can do is see your general practice doctor and ask about having some blood drawn to see what you can to do tailor fit a diet to your body specifically. your doctor will then also be able to give you suggestions on things that will help based on your results.
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i feel like i am having a "psychic awakening" because of a lot of symptoms. i can hear spirits sometimes and see them sometimes, but i want to know how to improve my hearing and seeing.
one exercise i do is focus on every single individual sound surrounding me. that is supposed to help with hearing spirits.
what are some other exercises for hearing and seeing? THANK YOU. (link)
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ok you may want to think about getting a spirit guide to help you, those are real people that help you, or talking to another experienced psychic and asking how to go about honing your psychic abilities so that you can help spirits who are in need.
I actually am too psychic but not in the same way you are. My gift comes in the form of receiving dreams because when i was younger SEEING them scared me way to much to be able to deal with but that i DID want to help and to NEVER disturb me while im awake EVER because this was not the time or the place. I literally had spirits sitting in my living room in the dark as if my house was somehow a "waiting room" of sorts and i was not interested in doing things that way. I was actually being spiritually bombarded every time i walked out into my living room in the dark for a glass of water at night it was that bad.
I had a god mother who at the time told me to just tell them or "think at them" that i will NOT be acknowledging them in my awake state and that when im ASLEEP we can talk then and it worked.
I cant tell you how much CLEARER their messages are and how much more i can actually help them because we are communicating in a way that IM COMFORTABLE WITH and not in a way THEY are.
YOUR the one link they have to this world so YES they want you to hear their story and their going to do everything they can to try to get your attention in order to facilitate that.
I have since been able to help a cousin of mine receive the best message from his father after he passed away years ago simply that he "loves him no matter what" which at the time his mom (my aunt) did not understand but HE did and was keeping a big secret from our family that he was gay. He told me after i told him about this and that gave him the courage to help him tell his mother and now hes living the happiest life he could have ever dreamed of.
so its things like that, that make my gift scary at times but WORTH IT for me. So you need to demand respect from the souls that come your way, law down the law and make it know that you are willing to talk but in ONLY a way you are comfortable with. ; ) good luck
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