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Is This Considered Stalking?
I want to apologize if this ends up being a little long, but please take the time to read it if you can. Let's say that you had a friend (a 27 year old man) who you cared for very much who's behavior towards his ex girlfriend is starting to worry you.
We'll call this guy by his first initial, D. D basically stole this girl from his good friend, P after having not shut up about her or left her alone for a while. It was a little creepy the way he'd talk about his friend's girlfriend and the way he'd look at her, but whatever. They ended up getting together eventually anyway.
You got the feeling that D didn't think he was good enough for this girl, who we'll call A. While they are both attractive, A is kind of out of D's league. D is boyishly good looking in a way that not everyone sees. Also he's gained quite a bit of weight and started dying his hair a weird color. A is jaw droppingly beautiful. She's very different and interestingly looking and has gorgeous features, but is very, very modest.
D was always paranoid that A was going to cheat on him or that she was only dating him because she was too modest to know that she was out of his league. He was always worried that she'd eventually realize that he was prettier than he was and she'd dump him for it. To be honest, I think she already knew, but wasn't as shallow as he was and got sick of him worrying so much about it.
I knew it wouldn't work anyway. They were too different. A is a devout Christian while D is a staunch,militant atheist. A is more conservative while D is very liberal. And they have different values and goals in life. It was bound to fall about eventually, the only question was when.
A broke up with D a couple of weeks ago when her ex boyfriend, J came back. J is a lot like A and is definitely more in her league than D. He is, like her, jaw droppingly beautiful. To say that he is movie star handsome would be an understatement. He's a Christian, he's more conservative, and his personality, values, and goals are more like hers.
It's for the best that they broke up, but D is unwilling to stand for it. I've tried to tell him that he's better off because they were too different and because she's kind of a player anyway, but he won't let her go. He calls her all the time and gets crazy, tornado pissed when she won't answer. He asks her friends where she goes all the Tim, specifically with J and then shows up at those places and begs her to come back to him. He shows up at her house all of the time and stands outside of her window while she's asleep just to be near her.
He made a comment once about how he wished he was stronger and more in shape so he could use his muscles to keep A and J away from each other. D's not a big guy. He's about 5'7 with no muscle and a lot of fat. J is over 6 feet tall and would be all skin and bones is t wasn't for his muscles. He's got some good sized ones and if he and D ever got in a fight, J would win. Even A would have a chance at taking him if they got in a fight.
The comment he made implied that he'd beat J and intimidate A out of leaving him if he could. I don't think he ever actually physically hurt them, but I know he's thought about it and wishes he at least had the ability to do so.
Does D sound like a stalker? If so, what, as his friend, can I do about it?
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"D was always paranoid that A was going to cheat on him"
A very sensible thing to think, seeing as he "stole" her off P.
"A is a devout Christian"
A is a devout hypocrite if she is having sex with someone to whom she is not married. You say that A is "jaw-droppingly beautiful". People tend to think better of attractive people than they deserve, and it seems to me that that's what you are doing here.
"A broke up with D a couple of weeks ago when her ex boyfriend, J came back."
LOLZ! So A was only doing D because she was temporarily without her preferred "the D", if you know what I mean. How long did she last without getting some? A month? A week? My picture of A begins to come into focus.
"I've tried to tell him that he's better off because they were too different and because she's kind of a player anyway"
No kidding. That's putting it mildly. He religion means nothing to her, her relationship with J means nothing to her, and poor Mr D (whose penis she was using for a while, until J came back) means less than nothing to her.
"Does D sound like a stalker? If so, what, as his friend, can I do about it?"
No. If he'd been going through her trash or spying through their windows, *then* he would sound like a stalker. He's just coming to grips with the problem that he has been steamrolled by some attractive people.
You know what this sounds exactly like? It sounds like the plot of "The Great Gatsby".
"They were careless people, Tom and Daisy--they smashed up things and creatures and then retreated back to their money or their vast carelessness, or whatever it was that kept them together, and let other people clean up the mess they had made."
My advice? Show him my post here. Let him read this:
D, you know how you feel that A would be more into you if you were better-looking? You are absolutely right. She would. Loose weight. Get in shape. Maybe even take up a martial art, for confidence. Oh, you won't get A again cause all the work in he world won't make you tall, but you will be able to get the P you want. Leave J and A to it.
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WOW. Well for your friend being the liberal atheist type he sure as shit is ruled by his emotions 99 percent of the time.
lets brake this apart piece by piece and see if we can understand this and help you help your friend ok.
Your friend needs to get over her, and he cant do that because hes ruled by his emotions. People who are ruled by their emotions can be dangerous unstable people because they live their lives LITERALLY moment to moment, and everything that happens around them effects their feelings which can be dangerous if your friend is the type that will reach for anger and violence first instead of sadness after a break up like most normal logical thinking people do. ((((ive been through years of family therapy and im sure you can tell by now lol)))
What you could try to do is have a serious sit down with him. Tell him that even though his actions say "im angry over this" what they actually say to the world is: "im hurt, im sad, i want her back and i know that nothing im doing is working and i dont know what else to do"
With some people, they will do anything to keep a beautiful woman even if it means changing some to fit her while others either cant, dont know how, or are unwilling because their scared or just selfish. It doesnt sound like from the way you described it that hes selfish, it sounds like hes scared and/or doesnt know how. (so we've already got one part of this ruled out) It sounds like this is leaning more towards he KNEW already that they were way too different and KNEW that unless one of them changed that it wouldnt work but he refused to face it because he actually is very in love or smitten with her.
My guess is that he was too lazy to realize he needed to change to better suit her or that she would grow to put up with their differences and NOT leave him and he was wrong. She gave him a chance, he screwed up, KNOWS IT, and cant get over the fact that they are just not meant to be. sometimes in life youll meet people who you could swear could be a soul mate or that you would love to have as one but then you really get to know them and their not what you thought they were and they certainly arent about to sit around and take your bullshit and fight because they know they could do better.
the only thing he could have done here was apologized like crazy and tried to make it up to her before J came back and he didnt, so his laziness to put forth any effort for the sake of the relationship strikes again. (((are you seeing the pattern here?? yet??))
I would ask him how hes so willing to continue to try to have contact with her yet he wasnt willing to nurture the relationship when he had the chance?? hes not "better off" and im sure your just telling him that because your trying to make him feel better because hes your friend but honestly, hes the one that doesnt deserve her. Being insecure to the point where your taking it out on others isnt ok and no one wants to be in a relationship with someone like that because its drama and stressful and no one wants to deal with shit like that.
if shes the conservative type and not shallow then this has nothing to do with his looks. not if she gave him an honest to god shot and he still managed to screw it up. He sounds controlling and needs to do some real soul searching and reflecting and this probably needs to be a learning experience for him. she was probably right to brake up with him if hes like that because i would think anyone that doesnt want to be a puppet or a slave to him would know they are worth more.
good luck and feel free to come back and let us know how its going, you can even inbox me if you need more help. Dont get angry with him no matter what happens because that will only fuel his own emotions. hes probably a wreck inside right now so even if he acts like a dick to you, keep it civil, stay calm, dont play into anything he tries to say to make you angry or be hurtful because it not going to help anything and he'll just put his guard up and then god only knows what will happen.
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That behaviour is criminal. Not all crimes will be called 'stalking' but it's definitely criminal, and would be covered under harassment or called by other names.
If he shows up on private property at night, someone should call the cops. They will help explain to him why this is not acceptable behaviour. Phone calls and social media posts should be documented and kept - to help the police understand what is going on, and just in case it escalates.
Following, or showing up, in public is a bit harder to address, but she should still report it. It might be best for her to speak a women's advocacy group or to the police (on a non-emergency line) to find out what her best options are when she feels he is following her in public.
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Yes, he is stalking. Yu cant help as he'sn0t stalking yu. SHe needs 2 file a rep0rt with the p0lice herself s0 if yu kn0w her well, y0u can suggest it t0 her. D has t00 many insecurities and m0st likely is n0t ready t0 admit it and seek help. Until he is, he will c0ntinue t0 behave s0 until arrested. It is best f0r him t0 seek a c0unsel0r t0 get bey0nd his issues 0f insecurity.
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