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feeling trapped in my marriage
I'd like to start this off by saying that I love my husband very much and want things to work out between us, but at the same time I don't want to be living in denial. We have only been married over half a year, and the problems seemed to start right when we returned from our honeymoon. I'm working full time while he only works 4 days a week and usually misses one of those days because he refuses to get up. If I'm at work all day while he's home he will play Xbox and hang out with friends instead of helping with chores so on my days off I have to spend practically the entire day trying to catch up. I've been trying to finish college the past 2 years but its impossible working 45+ hours a week and having no help at home. Through out our relationship we have both struggled with some weight gain, I was able to drop 60 pounds before our wedding while he gained around 70. I love him in any shape, but he tries to tempt me on diets and makes it even harder to not eat. It seems so dumb, but to anyone that has struggled with their weight knows how quickly you can gain it back and I don't feel like he should want that for me. I feel disrespected and a little trapped. Any time I bring up him missing work he throws a fit and some how makes me feel bad for even mentioning it. Are these just small things that will fade with time or the beginning of something toxic?
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First let me just say WOOOOOW! and wipe my forehead before i get into this one.
Ok, lets break this down and try to understand things piece by piece and see if YOU feel this is fixable because only YOU know whats in your heart and only YOU know your husband. we dont. so i can only take your words at face value but im gonna try to help you here as much as i can and i hope things go your way.
First lets take apart the dynamics of your relationship, your the hard worker while he is the lazy ass is that what im hearing from you??
Now have things always been this way? where your the go "get her" type and hes just kinda floundering through life and is just kinda "ok with where hes at" in this life?? is this is true then no matter how hard you try, you are NOT the right match. If youve tried talking to him about this in a kind and gentle way and he STILL refuses to try to better himself for the sake of your financial situation work wise, then hes gotta go.
Sure theres always couples in life where they ARENT doing the exact same thing in life so naturally one partner makes more money then the other and one makes less, but it becomes and unhealthy thing when the person thats not making as much, has more free time, and is home all day is doing absolutely nothing while your hard at work slaving away to keep a roof over both your heads. Im sure everyone here can understand you feeling completely taken for granted and unappreciated and im sorry your going through that.
Next, communication: how well have you two been able to always talk? like REALLY DEEPLY TALK? not just a few comments here or there before the other walks totally out of the room and doesnt even take what your saying seriously??
Couple (and especially married ones) need to "check in" with each other on a pretty regular basis in order to maintain smooth continuity in a long term relationship. You need good communication to make sure that your always on the same page in life and that you still want the same things in life. I say this to you because from what youve said, it sounds like you dont want the same things because your working hard while hes not doing shit.
so if you cant "really talk" then your doomed and your going to end up even more unhappy as time goes on unless you do something about it and get him to really stop, LOOK AWAY FROM THE VIDEO GAMES and hear you out when you really need him to. ((ive gotten pretty damn good at this part with my hubby of a few years because im a very outspoken person)) lol. so i could probably literally tell you verbatim things to say to him to get him thinking "oh shit shes serious, i really need to get off my ass and help out around here" ; )
Next, weight gain issues: If you dont do the grocery shopping you should start now. Slowly faze out unhealthy foods in the house. cut back on large portions of food. Have him sit down with you together and eat like a couple. Say to him "we never get to just sit down and eat together like a couple anymore come on" even if your sitting on the couch together eating and not talking, it will slowly mean more and in a non-verbal way.
If he starts saying he doesnt like the things you pick out at the store then say "then come with me next time and you'll have more of a say (dont say it in a mean or snarky way) just say it like this is how it is and theres no way around it. see, the thing is you dont have to have an attitude or "be mean" to get your message across and make it known that "we're gonna start getting healthy around here weather you like it or not"
If he starts coming to the grocery with you then GREAT thats even better. Let him see you picking out salads and healthier items. This will show him that your GOING to get healthier with or without him and this will create a thought process for him of "ok wow shes really doing this now, i need to start doing something too or make up my mind about what i want"
If he refuses to eat healthier with you every once in a while then thats fine, just stop talking to him about it and let all the weight loss and efforts your making speak for itself.
If want to talk to him about it, ask about just eating one salad a week (or something else you deem healthy) while still being able to eat all the other food he chooses. then slowly bump it up to twice a week, and just replacing ONE MEAL during the day to something on the healthier side. pretty soon this will become a habit and youll both be eating better before you know it. maybe even take night time walks together before bed to burn off any unneeded calories.
No one is going to lose the weight unless they REALLY really want to. I think we all know thats true of lots of things in life. So it doesnt matter who tempts who onto a diet, but doing it as a couple could really help a ton more because you have someone to support you.
good luck and i hope it all works out for you feel free to inbox me if you need more help or have more questions. ; )
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