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My best friend is in an abusive relationship
My best friend has been in my life since childhood. We grew up together, went through middle and (most of) high school together. That was until our junior year when she got her first serious boyfriend. She was 16 and he was around 26. Within a few weeks she fell head over heels for him and started talking to me less and less. he would get mad when she came over, or even talked to me too much. he said i would get her hurt or not watch out for her well enough. she was her own person but he acted like she was his child. eventually he made her choose between us and ultimately she did, and we weren’t really true friends again until after graduation. i now understand that she’s in an abusive relationship. we have talked about that since then and she has come to terms with it. she has said she was scared before, and then the next day she will be happily in love. we both just turned 20 and for years it has been a roller coaster of a relationship. we will secretly reunite and email in private, sometimes even videotaping or meeting for lunch. she will always say she wants to leave him, but she never does. we will talk for months and get really attached again, it’s like we’re friendship soulmates in that way. she’s like a sister to me. i have a connection with her like no one else, ever. no matter how long it has been we will reunite and within weeks it will be like the old days. she will eventually tell him she wants to be my friend and then after a while he makes her choose. we will talk about a plan for her to leave him but she never follows through with it and i will be left in the dust. once or twice i have went with her to leave him (at hear request) and he always talks her out of it. he’s so controlling. she can’t see her friends, family, go anywhere, etc. she never leaves him no matter how depressed she becomes. it’s like a cycle, sometimes he will be okay and give her freedom, and then he will get worse again. that’s usually when she decides to email me again. i don’t want to victim blame but she is hurting me! even if she is in an abusive relationship. i want to help her and be there for her but it’s really negatively affecting me. i don’t think she wants to hurt me, but she definitely does. we were friends in secrets from january to march and then he found out and it eventually ended AGAIN. she just emailed me a few days ago saying: "this is nothing more than a happy birthday email. hope you’re doing okay, and so is your family and pets. i got another ferret, he’s the cutest. anyway, like i said this is nothing more than just a happy birthday. hope this doesn’t upset your day. “ /// i don’t know what to reply to this. i want to, but i don’t want to get hurt. what does she want from me? she says we can’t be friends and that she will never message me again until she leaves her boyfriend. does she want me to reply? is she just taunting me? it instantly upset me and i can’t stop thinking about it. what do i do? i miss my best friend more than anything. i don’t know what to do. i just want her back in my life but i don’t have much hope. i want to be there for her, what if her life is bad? from her social media she seems to be happy but i know looks can be deceiving. what does she want me to do? i’m so lost. i feel like such an idiot trying to go back and help her and then getting hurt over and over again.
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Maybe give some free advice about: Friendship?
I'm getting the feeling you are a guy.
This person has you on a string - you are her plan B (or C, or D, or even more). All she has to do is send you a text or email once every six months or so to keep you on the leash.
Can I recommend some music?
"Reelin' in the years" - Steely Dan
"Jessie" - Joshua Kadison
And there's thousands more just like those two. I only know those two in particular 'cause I am getting old.
You need to move on. You say that she's like a sister. I don't believe it, 'cause I'm a guy too. You need to accept, to deep-down accept in your bones that this girl will never, never, never have sex with you.
Ever.
I mean *ever*.
Not going to happen. If she snagged a 26yo when she was 16, dude: even if you caught her, you wouldn't know what to do with her.
Get over it. No contact. None. If you feel like some drama, suggest that you have a g/f and just see how fast she comes on to you to try to break it up. But I say skip the drama. You don't need this. Get a g/f. Have sex with a hooker. Whatever. There is no way this "relationship" plays out such that you wind up winning the girl. She has better options, and always will do.
Give it up, and get on with your life.
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hes trying to use isolation as his main way to control her. If shes not around anyone else then they cant tell her that hes doing bad things to her and get her to think for herself.
This is going to sound painful but your going to have to choose what you want to do here. She clearly is hurting you, and causing you pain because of her actions even if shes not trying to she is. Ive been through this kinda shit before with friends who have controlling boyfriends ok.
YOU make her choose between the two of you. tell her that you cant take the pain anymore of you guys constantly breaking off the friendship and her not being able to communicate with you AND others anymore just because of her boyfriend. She needs to hit rock bottom and maybe lose everyone before she REALLY for REAL decides shes going to leave him this time forever. If you have faith that the two of you have the strong friendship and connection that you have then once you tell her this, it will devastate her IN A GOOD WAY and shake her to her core, making her realize that this guy REALLY IS fucking up her life. because her best friend just told her that SHE cant even take his shit anymore. see?? its not directly her fault that hes controlling, but its directly her fault that shes continuing to allow it.
If she values your friendship as much as you do then telling her that you cant stick around and watch this anymore and that you love her and wish her the best but that you care too much about her to be able to stand around and watch her be abused and isolated by her man, but if she ever leaves him FOR REAL that you will be the first one there for her. but out of respect for your feelings as a person i think she needs to give you some space because this is clearly stressing you out alot and you have to draw the line somewhere when it comes to friendships and personal relationships. With every one of these there are boundaries that both people respect and do not cross.
do not except her phone calls, unless she says shes broken up with him and even then she needs to show some progress or proof that shes really moved on and isnt with him anymore.
shes going down a dangerous road here that isnt going to end well and you dont want to be the one to get the phone call that hes beat the shit outta her and shes in the hospital or worse. your spending alot of time worrying about her when you have your own life to live. i know that sounds cold but thats reality of it.
what you can do is find some battered womens shelters for her to go to if she really does decide she wants to leave him. offer her the info and then say that you need to distance yourself now.
right now you have to try to remember that she isnt your best friend. shes blinded by love so hard that shes putting other relationships with important people in her life aside just for him and thats not ok. your real friend would never do that, and she needs something to shake her awake from this. she might have to lose everyone first before shes willing to wake up but its a move that needs to be made.
talk to some more of her other friends or family that she is still communicating with and let them know that this is your idea and that this just might work if you all ban together and do it as a team. i know it might seem like your ganging up on her or something but if you all love her then youll ban together to try to do SOMETHING.
good luck and hit me up if you need more help, ive done this before for a friend who ended up being brutally stabbed almost to death by her abusive husband because she would not leave him. trust me, getting the phone call that your friend has been hospitalized because her man beat her or hurt her to within an inch of her life is not one you wanna get.....he had never hurt my friend before that day in that way. but he did exact the exact same way you described.
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People stay in abusive relationships for many reasons. You can lead a horse to water but cant force it to drink. this means you could suggest she leave, or go to a womens abuse center for counseling. But unless she is ready in her mind and wants to do so, it won't help her.
I married at 20 to a nice guy from church. Little did i know he would turn out to be mentally and emotionally abusive. We got into a cycle where he abused me, I got upset and avoided him or acted cold and he got over his anger, felt really bad and apologized and then it was good times again, like a honeymoon cycle. eventually pressure built in life or in negative thought patterns he had and he exploded again, abusing, apologizing, and the honeymoon cycle all over. However, as the years went on, instead of an even balance of good times bad times, the bad began to outweigh the good until eventually there was no happy recovery, respite time, it was all bad. And it was at that point the stress of it was hurting my physical health the worst.
Hon, even my own family tried to convince me to leave him early on but I didn't. Why? I was too naive. I believed too strongly the church doctrince I was told, that divorce is not acceptable to God and should be avoided, that I need to trust God to heal my marriage.
Eventually as I learned to pray and actually hear back from God, one day he told me to leave the hus band. That because of the free will he gave to everyone, He would not interfere with the path my husband was choosing and change him magically into a good man. I was told to leave or the physical impact of the stress i lived with would kill me in a handful of years. Once I heard all that I left. So there has to be a good enough reason but hon. I stuck with that man for 30 miserable years all because of my mindset. YOur friend is in a similar situation, and there is something she needs to learn like I did, actually it wsa something quite simple but hard to do. The best thing you can do is be willing to be on hand to take her to emergency womans shelter if she calls for help or encourage her to go to one...look it up for her, ans suggest counseling. I needed it too after I left my ex. It is very important to get back to healthy normal thinking and life. Don't go running over for every little thing or feel hurt, She cant help it right now and will be very confused. If you could get pamphlets from a womens abuse center to her to read without him knowing, great. If its too risky, just pray for her angels to get through to her so that she will want to leave him and seek help.
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