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advice! no connection or sexual attraction to men!
I'm 20, female, straight. i cant connect with the opposite sex! I'm at that age where i want to find my life long partner, settle down and have kids with in the future, however, i just don't connect with any male in that way, i just don't find any sexual attraction, even if i really want there to be. Is there something wrong with me? As a child i always had low self esteem, plus I'm not exactly the prettiest girl,any male i have like would always be after my best friend of the time.. I've grown sort of use to this now, as its a joke how many times it has happened. I also had undiagnosed ptsd, i don't know, but could it be anxiety? Or maybe I'm just not meant to find someone. I just need advice, or if anyone could just help me see from a different angle that would be great!
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Maybe give some free advice about: Mental health?
The problem with our species is we are prone to physical attraction before we get to know someone's inner beauty and inner qualities. The problem with this is you wake up one day and find out there is more to life than just sex that you actually need to talk. That is when you find out you have nothing in common.
The best way to have a serious relationship with someone is to become friends with them first and lovers second. Most of us do it backwards and become lovers first and then try to become friends second. My wife and I became friends long before we ever met. We worked for the same airline. I worked at the airport and she worked at departure control in the city reservation office. I had to speak with her every day.
Then I had to go the city for training and we met. I won't deny there was a physical attraction as I saw her before we were introduced. My wife was one of the prettier girls there. Then she was introduced and I saw her in an entire different light not just as a sex object. That was 45 years ago and we will be married 44 years come next month.
Our jobs brought us together. There are ways outside of work to meet people and become friends first. What I'm about to tell you works if you're just looking to make friends in a new city or if you need a way to overcome shyness to meet people.
Sit down with pencil and paper and make a list of all the things you like to do. Cooking, baking, hiking, bowling camping, Art, nature walks, bird watching. What ever it is you like to do maybe it is debating, photography or scrapbooking. Make a list of what it is you like to do outside of work.
Once you have your list number them in order of importance to you. Then take the top 5 and look to see what clubs or activities there are in your area for these things. Go to the club meeting, if affordable attend the activities. Listen to the conversation and add relevant things you may have knowledge of when you can.
Before you know it you're included in the conversation. This will lead to someone asking you to coffee to continue the conversation. Coffee leads to a date as the inner beauty come out as you get to know one another. Like anything else dating is work. You get out what you put into it.
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I think that you will find the dream person for you. It just takes time and that's the bad part. Like you said you have had guys go for your best friends and those people just weren't the one for you. I'm sorry that happened but I believe that you shouldn't dwell on it. I think that that right person will come by and you will be able to make the right connection. You will be able to feel that this person is the right fit for you and if the other person thinks so too then you may have found your lifetime partner. I do however, think that if you do meet someone and you are with this person for a while then the relationship does happen to fall apart then there is always more people out there and I know it sucks, but trying is the only way you'll know. Dont get discouraged if you cant find the right person right away and I think you will be good
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When it comes down to the very basic of relationships, relating to friends coworkers, school mates not to mention family, you are going to be attracted to wanting to be around people who are friendly, outgoing, self confident, have a great self image. Ask yourself this question, how often are you attracted to even females for friends who are just like you or worse? I am not talking about forced to spend time with as no one else will, be out of your free choice...I don't think when given a choice the most people will choose to seek out people who are shy, anxious, have low self esteem and are very introverted, simply because it is very boring instead of stimulating and exciting. You are no different. So you can't blame people especially guys steering clear of you.
Hon, it everyone has a different taste in what they are attracted to looks wise. So yes, looks has a little bearing here. But it also means, there are guys who will like your looks, are attracted but once they get near and pick up on those invisible vibes of how you feel about yourself, they will lose interest. I read about a study often done on men when shown different women in a room to see which they were attracted to, not initially, but which they stayed hanging around with the most time. the choices were model types who were were insecure, boring, too ditzy, or the average to plain looking women who were self confident and outgoing, etc and more men are attracted to self confidence. The end results of the test is that they described many of the plainer looking self confident women as sexy. Yes, you read that right. I can assure you it is true. I am married, in 50s and just average looking but I still attract men who any moment my husband is not with me, will comment that I am a sexy or hot looking girl or lady. Not kidding you.
Guess what else? I used to be just like you, when in my teens. Extremely shy, fear of people, high social anxiety, low self image, no confidence, veyr introverted. I finally got tired of being like that, wanted so bad to change that I was willing to do whatever I had to just to get beyond it. This is what you need to do, to get to the point where you can go on with life, enjoy it and attract men. PTSD is one thing, lots of people have it, makes a relationship a bit more difficult but if there are many other wonderful exciting qualitys about the person, they are willing to work it out with you, learn how to best support you. One daughter has an ex military bf with PTSD. I've talked to him alot by phone and yes he indeed does have lots of issues, but I like him and his personality, enjoy talking to him and his sense of humor always has me laughing. So don't let PTSD be your excuse for not moving forward.
So hon, if you want to Learn either how to overcome shyness as I or both, let me know by writing to me from my column and I will give you those instructions as it is too much to add here right now.
Subconsciously your mind may have shut off any desire or attraction to men as a way to help you cope with the way you are right now. If you know you are definitely straight, this is a protective coping mechanism that does nothing to help you get what you so much want and deserve too dear.
It might help to see a doctor for mental health and get a professional diagnosis and any medications or counseling that would help in that dept. If you are ready and have the willpower to want to change to other stuff, I can help you with that. Others have followed my advice, dont know about here in column but in real life and it worked for them as well. But you have to be soo sick and tired of being this way and wanting to change or you wont go through with it. And its easy, follow steps at your own comfortable pace.
So let me know. Blessings!
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