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Razhie. Advicenators Member Since: June 13, 2005. Answers: 5077. Visitors: 211514.
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The Question
Hi Razhie!
Thank you so much for your advice! I've actually considered some of your suggestions, but sometimes feel it's more work than it's worth.
As far as turning off the cable, that's something I've been looking into. Actually called the cable company to see if I could turn the cable off in his room. But they couldn't do it.
I did quit buying the foods he likes. Most of the time he eats the leftovers I have from dinner. But since my boyfriend eats dinner with me and my kids (and even he pitches in on the groceries I buy), I always make extra so there's plenty left over. Maybe I should stop doing that!
You're right...I have a great deal living in that house. I feel I have no choice but to stay! My rent is so low and if I move out...a)I'll be struggling paying rent and bills on my own b) My parent's would be SOOOOO pissed off! So, I'm kinda stuck!
I hate being an enabler though. Because me and my kids have to live...my brother gets to reap the benefits of it.
Thanks again for the great advice!
Shannon
The Answer
Hey Shannon, you are most welcome. I got to say though, I would strongly recommend you just cut the cable entirely. I know it's not a great thing for your family, but sometimes you got to hit them where it hurts (and pretend it doesn't hurt you too!)
Absolutely, I think stop making lots of left overs AND/OR taking them with you for lunch or sending them with your boyfriend would be a very good idea. Again, I know that might be a bit inconvenient for you, but you gotta hit them where it hurts. And yea, that DOES take work.
Don't beat yourself up too much for being an 'enabler' you aren't. Your parents are and there is nothing at all you can do about that. Not a damn thing. So take a deep breath and put your kids first by cutting out any unnecessary spending AND by demanding he pay his part of the utilities. (You might not get all of the money from him, but I bet if you sink your heels in, cancel the cable and say 'I Don't have the cash to cover you! I just DON'T', either he or your parents will pony up.)
If you want any opinions on any other ideas you might have of how you can make him less comfortable and be less supportive, I'd be happy to have them run by me!
Good luck!
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The Question
I would like to know what foods have alot of hormones. I heard about meats but is there a certain type of meat? What else has high content of hormones.
The Answer
There is no evidence that supports the idea that you absorb hormones through your food. Hormones that do exist in our food, and I'm certainly not denying that they do, don’t seem to be absorbed directly by the body or have serious effects on adult humans.
In 2005, the FDA has concluded that the amount of hormone residue in our food is negligible compared to the amount that the adult body produces naturally. The FDA also supported the currently medical theory that most, if not all hormones in our food are not absorbed by the body intact, but broken down and treated as waste.
The idea that there is a link between hormones in beef and milk and early puberty is totally scientifically unsubstantiated, despite people trying to prove a connection since the 1980s. Early onset of puberty probably has more do with over-feeding several generations of women, then it does with what we are feeding them.
The rBGH (bovine growth hormone) the one you hear the most about, and in my opinion, it’s a pretty bad substance. The US is one of the few places where it is legal to use. But it’s not a pretty bad substance because it’s a hormone. It’s a bad substance because it has side effects in cows that can cause contamination and illness and be bad for both the cow and the human the product might get passed on to. That has nothing to do with it being a ‘hormone’, what it is is a hormone that can cause other illnesses in a cow that can be passed on to humans (not to mention it’s disgustingly abusive to the cow.)
Some other foods with lots of hormones in them are whole grains, pumpkin, zucchini, carrots, garlic, cabbage and soy, only their hormones are totally natural! Human beings didn’t put them there, they ALWAYS have had lots of hormones in them, and there is no reason to avoid them because it. They are still good and healthy foods for you.
I think it’s really admirable that you are thinking about where your food comes from, and it would definitely be a good idea to avoid growth hormones like rBGH in your beef, milk and occasionally poultry, but there is no reason to be more concerned or cautious then that. Just buy Buy rBGH-free or certified milk and dairy products if you are concerned.
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The Question
I'm a single mother of two kids, working full-time and going to college part-time. Through the years since I've been divorced, my little brother moved in with me to help me out. My parents bought a house and rent it to us. We split the rent and all bills evenly.
In September of this year, my brother lost his job. Since the economy is so bad, he's had a really hard time finding work, and takes whatever job he can to make extra cash, but can't seem to find a full-time job. So, for the past 4 months, I've been paying all of his bills, except for rent. He's racked up about $800 that he owes me. And I'll probably never see a dime of that.
He helps out sometimes, by watching my kids for me while I run to the store. And just the other day he fixed a water leak in our house. But for the most part, he sleeps, eats my food, watches cable tv that I pay for and plays video games. He was promised a job by my boss, but construction is slow right now and they don't need him. So instead of seeking other employment, he stays at home waiting for work. He's getting unemployment money, but I haven't seen any of it. Instead, I see him buying beer and cigarettes.
When I talk to my parents about him, they seem to think that I should just deal with it. But this is driving me absolutely CRAZY! I couldn't get my kids much for Christmas. I can't even buy myself a new pair of shoes because my kids need some and I can't even afford that.
I was told by my parents that if I kick him out, they will make me pay the entire amount of rent, which I can't afford. I'm so confused about what to do. Should I just deal with this?
The Answer
Yes, you should deal with this, but its okay to set some boundaries as well.
If you were living in your own home (or a place you rented normally) I would say fuck it, kick him out. But you aren't. You are getting a sweet deal from your parents, and if part of that sweet deal is dealing with him, then you either have to move out of the home they own, or deal with living with him.
But here are some things you CAN do:
Cancel the cable.
I'm serious. Maybe you feel you can't live without it, but canceling the cable might be a good way to A.) Afford some shoes next month and B.) Point out to your parents and brother that your kids need shoes and that the little weasel is draining you dry!
Stop loaning him money.
This should be an obvious, but if you haven't done it yet, STOP. Without apology, simply say NO. If your brother is desperate, tell him to ask your parents. Obviously, the hydro bill can't NOT be paid, so ask for the money for his half all the same, and ask firmly for it. If he doesn't have it, suggest he look for someone to loan it from, because BigSister bank is closed, you simply have nothing else to lend.
Where possible, stop buying food he likes.
I think you'll probably get in trouble with your parents if you start labeling food as off limits to him, however, if there is something only he eats, scratch it the hell of your list.
Give him a shopping list, but no money.
If he isn’t even damn working, clearly he can run a simply errand for you! Don’t have him watch your kids, YOU enjoy some quality time with them and send HIM to the store. Give him a very small shopping list, two or three items, and tell him you need them picked up for the house because you are very busy. Make them communal things, and be nice about it. If you need too, point out that clearly he could go without two or three beers to purchase toilet paper and peanut butter and remind him that a small contribution like this is the kind of thing any roommate or housemate would fairly expect.
This isn’t about punishing him. You have no right to punish him. You can’t stop your parents from giving him a free ride, all you can do is make sure you aren’t making his life easier then ought to be.
Once he does have work, talk to him about a repayment plan for the $800 he owes. You can start warning him now that you will expect him to start dealing with his dept once he has an income again.
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The Question
[i didn't know whether to put this under love life or sex]
so last night me and my boyfriend were making out and somehow i ended up straddling him. he took off my shirt then my bra so then i took off his shirt. he started going down on me (still had pants on) and started taking off my pants...there i drew the line and said "not yet"..then he looked at me and said that he wasn't gonna do anything bad, so i said well what were you gonna do? and he said "idk i didnt really plan it i was just gonna wing it" ...what do you think that means? im almost positive he was planning on having sex because we didn't have a condom and he said he wasnt gonna do anything "bad"
my second question is, we were kind of like dry humping...like sex with pants on...i wouldnt be able to get pregnant from this right?
thank youuu for answering any of my questions
and were 17/f and 17/m if that has anything to do with it.
The Answer
He wasn't thinking with his god-damn brain. He was thinking with his dick. His dick didn't have a plan, just a general trajectory.
Don't read to deeply into it. If you trust that your boy isn't such a moron that he would play a game like 'just for a second hunny', then trust that and believe him when he says he didn't have a plan, just some vague boundary he hadn't really thought out. That is probably the truth. He just got caught up in heat of the moment and knew the trajectory his dick wanted was naked! He wasn’t thinking on a deeper level then that.
You can become pregnant when semen (and to a very lesser extent 'pre-cum') comes into contact with your vaginal fluids. Sperm are not smart and do not have vagina radar, they just move vaguely forward if they find themselves in a liquid they can move vaguely forward in. If his liquids and your liquids don't touch, pregnancy is impossible.
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The Question
so, i, like many people my age, must get out of my hometown for college. i've lived here all of my life and it is a lovely place, really, but quite frankly i'm getting restless and a little claustrophobic in a city that is literally half my cousins and that anything exciting rarely happens in. not that big of a problem, if one at all. this has been a dream all my life. i live in the southwest and i'm dying to go to the East coast, particularly NYC or Boston. i know it will be difficult and expensive, but this is what i've always wanted to do.
well, lately, my family (again, half the city) has taken it upon themselves to outline everything wrong with my dreams. EVERYTHING. starting with the fact that i am much too soft and not "street smart" enough for NYC. i am also, it turns out, too sickly to go anywhere, going to be discriminated against (i'm hispanic)and just "trying to move far away from" my mom, sister, dad, grandparents, everyone involved in this major guilt trip. it hasn't helped that most of my friends with big city dreams like me have changed their plans to all going to the same in state school.
i have tried to talk to them, to explain m dream and and my reasonings, etc. etc. but they don't seem to hear me. how do i get through and fulfill this dream without leaving behind resentment in those who supported me before? help!
The Answer
Stop explaining. Start acting.
These are the magic phrases:
"I'm sorry you feel that way, I don't." and "I disagree."
You can't change someone's mind, especially when they are arguing from an emotional standpoint ('Why would you leave me?! Whaa!') or when they are trying to argue based on a theory or a possible negative outcome ('You wont be able to make it there.') You might as well howl at the moon for all the good your explaining will do you. They are just as entitled to their opinions and feelings as you are, but just because they have opinions and feelings, doesn't mean you need to change your choices.
Just act. Educate yourself and inform your plan. Do everything you can to make it a possible plan. The only people who you need to 'explain' anything too are the others who have stakes in your plan (ie, if you parents or grandparents are financially supporting you, then they deserve well-thought out answers to their practical concerns.) You should also have a plan in place of what you will do if the people who you thought were going to support you finically, choose not too.
The funny thing about being human is that not only do we want to do what we want to do, we want everyone else to want us to do it too! And life just doesn't work like that sometimes. Sometimes, even the people we love and who love us right back, are not going to be supportive.
Taking this approach to it, where you stop trying to convince them to see it your way, and just stick to your message of "I like my plan. I believe in my plan. I've made my choice." will help you avoid resenting them a bit. Resentment is strongest when you feel bullied, so don't let yourself be bullied. More importantly this approach will show them how confident you are (and if you aren't confident enough to take this approach, go back to basics and build yourself a plan you CAN be this confident about!) and even if they still disagree, they are likely to shut up about it a bit.
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The Question
16/f... soon I will be traveling to visit my ex boyfriend, who is my great friend now. A few months ago he promised me that I wouldn't have to see his girlfriend while I am there. I figured that was a great idea because I'm still madly in love with him and I think that would hurt me too much, especially while I'm trying to enjoy my vacation. Well today I reminded him about his promise, and he was saying things like "Oh yeah, I'll have to try. She's best friends with the host of the party that we're going to." I reminded him that he promised and he said he would try, but I'm really upset. I mean, he DID promise to me earlier and I was really looking forward to visiting him since I didn't have to worry about that. But now, I'm not so excited. I really want to have fun on my vacation and I know meeting her/seeing them together would kill me. So what should I say to my ex? Should I do anything else? I'm not really sure what to do but maybe you all have some ideas.
Thanks
The Answer
I know you are upset Hun, but honestly, it probably wasn't a promise he should have made in the first place. "I'll try" is ALL that he should promise. You can't guarantee to avoid a girlfriend or boyfriend in that way, and it's not really right to try or expect him too do anything more then try and make you both comfortable when you do met and to avoid any unnecessary awkwardness.
It's not an honest or respectful way for him to behave towards his relationship to pretend it doesn't exist while you are around. 'Out of sight, out of mind' is NOT okay when it comes to relationships.
Wouldn't it upset you a bit if your boyfriend brought his ex around, but refused to introduce her to you? To me, to deliberately avoid a meeting with the ex, smacks of deceit. I would be a bit miffed if the guy I was dating DELIBERATELY avoided me meeting his exes. I would wonder what he was hiding.
I do hate to say it, because I know exactly where you are coming from emotionally, but I still believe this: If you really can't handle seeing him with his new girlfriend AT ALL, and aren’t willing to take the risk that you might run into her, even at a party with a bunch of others, then you aren't ready to be visiting with him in any long-term way. You don't have the emotional distance you need to be his genuine friend if you can't accept this. Sure, it will be awkward and a bit upsetting, that is OK. You don’t have to be happy about it, but if you REALLY can't handle it, then you need cancel your trip and/or change your plans so they are much less visiting-him centered, because you aren’t emotionally ready to take your friendship with your ex to that level.
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The Question
A guy that I have been mainly friends with for close to a year now I told him I have real feelings for him and wanted to know if he does for me. I told him if he doesn't to tell me and he won't hear from me anymore. He wrote back this>> I do have feelings for you, but I don't think they are as strong as yours are. I do not want you to go away but if you feel you need to I understand, then typed BIG HUGS, like usual. Is this real caring? Will he start to love me? He has told me he is slow and once told me he was scared. I am confused. I am 46 female and he is 48. Please help, sincerely?
Thanks so much!
The Answer
I'm not a mind reader, but no, I don't think he will start to love you. I think he basically told you 'Thanks, but no thanks.'
There are often people in our lives we care for, but don't want to have a relationship with. It sounds like that is the way he sees you. That is real caring, but it's not the caring you want. He wants your friendship to remain the same, not to evolve into anything more.
If you can't handle things staying the way they are, not evolving into more, then you need to stop talking to him until you can come to terms with that. He is only you friend. For whatever reason, he isn't willing to become any more then a friend.
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The Question
Everytime I date a boy my mom only lets me see him on the weekends. She thinks weekdays are for school and family and friends sometimes. And of course, this causes everyone to break up with me. What can I tell her?
The Answer
Wow, see if I were you, it would be the boys I would be having a firm talk with as well as my mom.
It's not totally insane for your mom to lay down some rules about school nights or weeknights. Most sensible parents have rules like that. The simple argument is to place your boyfriend in the 'friend' category as well, and tell your mom something like "Look, he's a friend too and it doesn't make sense that I can hang out with friends sometimes on weeknights but not him. It wont be an all the time thing, just a sometimes thing, just like my other friends."
But really, if the guy you are dating can't handle the fact you have other obligations (and sensible parents) then he's a needy wuss and isn't really worth you time anyways.
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The Question
well i'm 15/f and i've been wondering for the longest why does my *ahem* give off a smell. it's not a BAD BAD smell it just confuses me because I do take baths and I make sure I was . you know down there with soap and warm water? you know but I can still smell it. i'm a virgin because not only am I afraid to show my full nakedness to another guy because I don't really like that I have big thighs . (i'm african american by the way) i'm not fat or anything I have stress marks on my thighs and it seems very unattractive. that's besides the problem though . i'm just afraid to have sex when a guy because of the smell .
so what could be the problem? & how can I fix it? will the smell every go away?!? if not i'm goin to be a virgin my whole life :-( ughhhh !
I wanna do it sooooooooooooooooo badly . (hehehe ^_^)
The Answer
Accept that the smell is normal.
You are going to catch whiffs of it sometimes. It can't be helped. It's there and it's a part of the normal, healthy functioning of the human body.
Products that claim to stop it don't work very well, and they interfere with the normal healthy functioning and can cause all sort of infections and problems. So stay away from them.
If the smell really bothers you, there are a few things you can do that might help:
One: See a doctor. It's possible you have an infection or something in the balance is off that is making the smell worse then it ought to be. Only a doctor can tell you if you do.
Two: Re-evaluate your underwear. Underwear that is made of lots of synthetics and is very tight, rides up a lot, and especially thongs, don't let the vagina breathe and make the smell worse.
Three: Don't wear underwear or tight bottoms to bed. If you must, at least wear cotton granny panties so your vagina can get some air. If you keep your vagina wrapped up all the time like old clothes in a gym bag, it'll start to smell just the same.
Oh - and guys know about the smell. The make stupid jokes about it all the time. They do that because pretty much every woman has an odor. If you are otherwise healthy and a guy gives you any shit about it, kick him to curb and let him get his tail someplace else, because he clearly isn't mature enough or educated enough to sleeping with you.
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The Question
last night i ordered shrimp for the first time. it was really tasty! but afterwards it kind of made my stomach hurt and i got a headache. i actually ended up throwing up later that night most of what i ate! my mom said its probably because ive never had it before and your actually not suppose to eat shrimp because they are toxinous or something? she said they clean out the ocean or something like that. why are you not suppose to eat shrimp is my question? is my mom right
The Answer
Your mom has kind of missed the point.
She is right that shrimp could sort of be called cleaners. They fed by filtering water through and snatching out the even tinier life forms they like to eat, but that doesn't make them dirty or wrong to eat.
You might have gotten sick because it was an unfamiliar food. You might have gotten sick because it was poorly prepared or undercooked. You might have gotten sick because you have a shellfish intolerance (lots of people do). But it's not because shrimp are wrong to eat, you just have to be careful with how they are prepared and stored, just like you have to be with all seafood.
Almost all shrimp you get in a restaurant are 'farmed'. That means they didn't live out in the wild waters where they might have been exposed to toxins, but in a very controlled tank made by humans. So there really isn't anything inherently bad about eating them unless they weren't taken good care of some place... and that is pretty much the same as any other food.
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The Question
So this guy has a crush on me and he's not afraid to show it. He's starting to scare me... He asked me to homecoming and i said no because i had this date...he immediatly sign out of msn and then at school he looked pissed and he was like so who asked you before me and stuff and i told him and hes like why him hes a jerk!a jackass! i just walked away. Well the truth box thing on myspace.he keeps putting these scary messages on mine and its starting to scare me and my mom.I want to tell him i dont like him like that(because i dont!) and how he should stop with these messages. I told my older brothers and they theyll talk to him. But if dont want this to turn into one of those "if i cant have you no one else can!" sorta thing.....and to be honest i dont want it to turn out like my friends story did..she told him she didnt like him(not the same guy) and he raped her the next week!i dont want that to be me... dont judge me if you think im selfish but hes not good looking and kind of on the big side...dont tell me i should except for who he is and not how he looks because idc and i already got this crap before!plz just help im scared!:(
14/f
The Answer
If your honesty box is causing problems, remove it.
People behave like asses when they think they can get away with it 'anonymously'. So remove the thing that is making him think he can get away witht behaving like an ass.
Then stop talking to him. Stop making eye contact and stop acknowledging him. He isn't your friend. There is no reason to talk to him at all. Don't 'sic' your brothers on him. For now, everyone should pretend he doesn't exist.
You are ABSOLUTELY entitled to not liking this guy. That is your RIGHT, and no one can take that away for you. (It's not your right to say, punch him in the gut for no reason, but you are absolutely allowed to not like him.)
If he approaches you again online or at school, respond quickly and honestly. TELL HIM you aren't interested and you don't want to talk to him. Then walk away. If he tries to stop you or grab at you, yell and scream. Yelling and screaming loudly will almost always stop a guy... they know that they will get in much deeper shit then you ever will.
Guys like him prey on weakness and kindness. If you try to be kind and friendly, he'll get worse. If you show that you are weak, he'll get worse.
If you simply, confidently and strongly, look him in the eye and say "NO! I don't like you. Go away." and "My mom doesn't like what you are doing either. If you don't stop. We'll get the authorities involved." He will stop. Because when you do that, you show him you can't be bullied and wouldn't be worth the trouble.
In the meantime, don't let your imagination run wild. Just be calm, confident and ignore him.
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The Question
me and my boyfriend have been going out for about 4 months now he wants me to give up some of my closest friends and family and even worst he trys and forces me to have sex when i say no more then 5 times he acts all sad and i give in why does he do this to me i really love my boyfriend but im thinkin of starting the new year right by telling him good bye i moved in with him a month after we started going out i think thats what messed up our realtionship but im not really sure i want to fix things with him what should i do or should i just leave it alone?
The Answer
You are miserable. If you just leave it alone you are going to get more miserable.
You moved in togeather in a rush and now you find him demanding and controlling. That is probably not a relationship that is going to be fixable, and really, it's not like you've devoted years to this guy. You've practically only just met him. Now you don't like him as you get to know him. If I were you, I'd just end it.
This isn't just a lover's spat, it's who he is, and you think who he is sucks.
Look for somewhere else to live and just cut ties with him. There doesn't sound like there is anything worthwhile keeping you with him.
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The Question
My boyfriend doesnt call me when I ask him too. He always yells at me about something. He hurts my feelings 24/7 and expects me to wait on him hand and foot. I do everything for him and yet that still isnt enough. everything he has iv bought it. I feel worthless and I get stressed out with him and we get into screaming fights because he wont let me do what I want but I have to let him do what he wants. He used to be friends with this guy and I cheated on my boyfriend with him like 2 years ago. I know it was wrong and I admitted it but this "friend" of his keeps lying to him. and everyone thinks im the liar. What should I do?
The Answer
Dump him.
Obviously you want to dump him. You don't need us to tell you so. Just do it.
Start to organize whatever you need too, living arrangements or things like that, and then move on. It's over. Done. You don't care anymore. You want out. It's not fixable. So dump him.
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The Question
i am a 37 year old male and in financial dire straits. not enough space here to go into details. shame and depression have caused both spouses to lose jobs and any quality of life. we have become reclusive and no longer take phone calls or visits from anyone. mother has known of our difficulties for 1+ yr from other sources, since im too ashamed to speak to her. she hasn't attempted to call in 6+ months. i never thought she had finances to help, but today i learned thru a bank error that she has $62k in savings. should i be upset that she has not offered help?
The Answer
If it true that you will never speak to her about this information to clarify what the truth of the situation is and what the money is for
AND you have allowed yourself to become distanced from her
AND, most importantly, you have never and will never ask for her help
Then no, I'm sorry, you have no entitlement to hate her.
By all means, be in pain and stressed and disappointed. Be angry. Your situation is a miserable and difficult one. You are ABSOLUTELY entitled to feeling horribly about the way life is going right now, it is horrible.
But until you can overcome your pride, and turn to your mother with real open communication, an explanation of the facts and seriousness of your problems and a request for assistance, then she hasn’t betrayed you.
All she has done is failed to make the assumptions, guesses and judgments that you would like her to make. That could only be called betrayal if she is a mind reader.
It is not justifiable to hate her for not relying on those 'other sources' reporting on YOUR financial situation.
It is not justifiable to hate her for not giving what was not requested by her adult child.
There is no way she can be confident that she really knows the particulars. By your own description she has ever reason to have faith and confidence in your ability to be responsible and take care of you own life. You always have in the past! Although I’m no mind reader myself… based on your question I would be worried about offended your pride in offering unrequested assistance to you if you were my son.
It sounds as though you have had other struggles in your relationship with your mother that are coloring your interpretation of these events. I can’t guarantee that she isn’t the awful, cold-hearted person you believe her to be. But based on your question, you don’t provide the evidence that she is. The evidence you give here only proves that she is out of loop, that you two don’t communicate, and that you have had, and continue to have, difficulty turning to her for help.
Neither you, nor your mother, will actually know what is going on in the mind or life of the other until you talk about it. If you refuse to do that, that’s fine, but it’s not right to hate her for her imperfect actions, when those actions are based on imperfect information.
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The Question
I just moved to a new area (for my job). All of my friends and family are a great distance away from me now. A coworker here has invited me to a New Years Eve party that she is throwing. I don't want to show up alone but it seems like that's my only option if I am going to show up (which I do want to go to her New Year's Eve party as a friendly gesture).
I'm not dating anyone and have no male friends that would be suitable for a party of this sort that live nearby. I want to make a good impression at the party but I'm not sure if having a date (or not) influences that.
Do you think it's tacky (or pitiful/sad/overall bad) to go to a local New Year's Eve event by myself? I mean, can I go to a New Year's Eve party alone?
Thanks for your input!
The Answer
I think it's perfectly fine, but to decrease your anxiety ask your friend, quickly and casually, if she thinks it's cool for you to go stag to the party.
I think it's perfectly fine, and not the least bit awkward. It will generate conversation about your move and let people know you are the fresh blood in the room! Quite a positive position to be in when you are looking to met new people and expand your network.
The only reason I suggest casually letting your co-worker know, is because she knows the make-up of the party and can advise you, so at least you'll be prepared for you are in for, if it's mainly a couples event or not. Also, its not impolite at all to let her know you are coming alone, and as a good hostess, she will probably make a bit of an extra effort to introduce you around.
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The Question
In 2000 my grandparents got divorced, by this time I was seven years old, & I didnt think old people was supposed to divorce, needless to say, my grandpa had found someone over the internet. He left my grandma, I see my grandma almost everyday, but in the past 8 years, I bet I could count on one hand how many times I've seen my papaw, and I could count on maybe three fingers how many times he's told me he loves me since the separation.
This Christmas was the first Christmas I'd seen my Grandpa in a longg time. I miss him soo much, I'm so afraid that I dont have much time to restore our relationship. And something else that doesnt help, this woman, that lives with him, wont even let me see him. I use to call, when I was little, to go over to their house to see him, and she would say that I wasnt invited, and it was rude to invite myself, and anyhow they were busy. I dont have any other grandpa, he died before I was born, and I'm just so angry, and hurt, that my grandpa, the only one I've ever had, wont even take the time to call me, to tell me he loves me, he wont even wave when he see's me.
I was watching this video tonight...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hCoViK0G43Y&feature=related
& it instantly reminded me of him. He's not going to be here forever...
Please, I just need someone to talk to, someone to comfort me.
Thanks, all is appreciated.
15/Female
The Answer
My advice to you would be to write your grandfather, and to discuss your feelings with your parents.
That first thing, writing him, will help you know you've expressed yourself to him clearly and make sure you know that he knows, that you care and desire a relationship with him.
The second thing, talking to your parents about this, will help prepare you for the response to your letter, which could be good or bad. Talking to your parents about your grandpa, about his life and the way he behaves will help prepare you for how he might respond, and to understand why his response might not be the one you hope the most for.
You might also ask them to invite him over more often, so you could see him.
There is probably a lot of hurt feelings and drama going on in your family that you aren't aware of. The way to deal with that is to start the dialogue with your parents about your grandpa, to keep asking questions and to make sure that everyone understands what YOU want from this relationship.
You might not get what you want. It might be too much to ask for from these people. There might be too much pain to let go of for the adults around you. But at least then, you'll understand, and you will know that you've been clear and honest.
It's tough, because most familys rather not talk about things that hurt as much as a divorce like that must have. However, it's the only real way to step forward in this situation.
You can do either things, the talks or the letter, at the same time, or one before the other. Trust your instincts on what is best and do everything you can to get honest input from your mom and dad AND to share your honest feelings about the rift.
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The Question
Okay...
Basically I'm 18 & have been in a 2 year relationship with my partner.
I DO NOT want any advice saying ''Your not old enough, Your not ready etc etc.''
Because in my eyes, your never ready to become a parent until it happens.
We have decided we would like a child, I'm coming on 19, and I have very supportive and some what well off parents who would be there for me in any situation.
What I am actually asking for is some advice and some signs of pregnancy, coming from someone who has experienced it.
I have joined up to a website that tells me basic dates that are best for falling pregnant, according to my menstrual period, however is there any particular things that may ''encourage'' pregnancy??
Sorry if this is too graphic but..
I had sexual intercourse with my partner on 25th/26th & 27th (today) December, and on the 25th I felt something almost instantly, and that feeling I have carried with me for the last 2 days, its like a heavy feeling in my stomach, and like a constant bloated feeling, is this my mind playing tricks because I'm so desperate for a baby?? Or is it a tell tale sign??
I don't think my chances of falling pregnant just at the minute are very high because I only stopped taking the pill 3 days ago, however I had forgotten to take it here and there beforehand, so the chances of me being completely protected are very little.
I haven't ever felt this heavy bloated feeling (along with the weird pains and noises) before ...
Can anyone help me and suggest things to encourage and recognise pregnancy?
Thank You!
The Answer
It is your other question here, the one you asked as an answer, that I will answer for you.
Why is no one answering your question?
I read your question fully, and then choose NOT to answer it.
Without claiming to speak for everyone here, I will say most people here have been here giving advice to young ladies like yourself long enough to feel much as I do, and also, to know that you will rate them down and abuse them for taking you to task because the basis of your otherwise very intelligent question, is a fundamentally selfish and stupid choice.
It would be like writing a very polite, well-thought out question about murdering your neighbors pet but insisting that you didn’t want anyone to tell you NOT to murder the pet… Really, what can a polite person say to that? Silence seems like the best response because no rational person could answer that question without mentioning that killing the pet would be a very bad idea.
Getting pregnant at 19 is a very bad idea, regardless of what you FEEL about it. You and your boyfriend feelings about it cannot magically make it a good idea.
Becoming pregnant while you are still dependant on your own parents, without education or solid job prospects, is the height of foolishness and selfishness.
You DON’T mention that you AREN’T a dependant or that you are prepared in anyone to take responsibility for your child except to suggest your parents will financially support you
AND THEN you add wishful thought that being a parent will make you a parent (basic observation skills should help you with that irrational idea: There are many ‘parents’ out there who are NOT behaving as parents, at all. If becoming a parent cannot magically change an otherwise sensible 30 year old in a decent daddy, why do you think it’s going to magically change you into anything other then the teenager you are? I’m not saying teen parents are destined to be bad parents, just that NO ONE is magically turned into a good one.)
You seem unconcerned with the cost you are passing on to your families, or the state, and are focused simply your own biological desire to reproduce. I find that really disgusting, and I won’t support it. I will not help you ‘to encourage and recognize pregnancy’ because I think you have no business bringing a life into the world under those circumstances if it can be ethically avoided.
Frankly, in light of your questions contents, I just don’t much feel like giving you information to assist you in behaving in a way that I see as being wrong, irrational or selfish.
You are old enough, and obviously have strong enough language skills to find this information out on your own, or better yet, to speak to a doctor rather then relying on strangers online for fertility consultations.
My advice to you, if you are actually going to take this seriously, is to speak to a doctor. That is what responsible, adult women do when they have questions about their fertility. If you are choosing to take the advice of strangers online over a health care professional because you are afraid you will be counseled AGIANST getting pregnant at your age… well, that just kind of proves everything negative I had to say about your choice above, and that is really sad.
If you seriously wish to get pregnant, and to behave in a rational and responsible way, take these questions up with a doctor or nurse.
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The Question
My mom is in her early 80‘s, I am in my early 50‘s. I have no idea how to handle her any more.
Ok this is going to sound weird but here goes. Here is the background: I go to the 99 cent store and I have purchased beautiful sweaters, blouses, pants, blazers. All top quality - Liz Claiborne , Ralph Lauren, New York & Co, to name a few, plus unknowns but in top quality. I don't buy the crap. The cashiers and customers all tell me I get the great quality stuff. My friends and relatives ask me if I purchased them at Lord & Taylor's or other expensive stores. I have tons of clothes from the 99 cent store. Also one of the blouses I purchased back in June was a pink paisley and when I showed it to my mom she held it up and said in a nasty matter-of-fact way "Oh this is not new" However, when we went to visit my Aunt (one of her remaining sisters) in Vermont I wore the blouse going up on the bus and when my aunt saw it she said to me "I love your blouse, I wish you could have gotten me the blouse you are wearing" And this was after my mom gave her vest from Kohl’s and I gave her necklace as a present.
Also at another time: I was getting ready for an interview. I put on a teal button down blazer. My mom started to criticize my blazer saying it was too big in the shoulders, but I could not see where it was big. Then I wore it for one of our religious holiday when my sister, brother-in-law, my two nephews and Anita and her husband came over to celebrate (have dinner) with my mom and me and Anita commented on how much she loved the blazer. However, before any one arrived my mom said “You look really nice”
Today I was at the computer on the Internet going thru my email. I didn't pay attention as to how this came about but somehow my mom and I were talking about a brand new winter coat I purchased at Lord & Taylor's. Actually she purchased it as a birthday present. As my mom left my room I called out to her and said “Where is it written that name brands are better than non-name brands, she then came back into my room and said “Listen you are a snob” I asked her how and she said “Well you only wanted the coat from Lord & Taylor’s, how come you did not like the one from Kohl’s” I started to tell her but she cut me off telling me why.
And then she left to go into the kitchen. About five minutes later I was still annoyed so I went in to the kitchen and said “But the clothes I buy at the 99 cent store are of good quality” She said “We are not talking about used clothes we are talking about new vs. new” This got me angry and I told her that the clothes I buy from the 99 cent store do not look used” My mom said “But the clothes you buy there are not new, lets say you purchased a Ralph Lauren at the 99 cent store it is not new but it was new at one time and it would be more expensive at a department store” I said to her the red sweater I am wearing does not look used she retorted back “Yes it does, it is a little pilled” I told her it is lint that just has to be brushed off but of course she disagreed. And yes it was lint. I bushed the lint off in my room.
Then we had some fight, we both said really nasty things to one another. One of the nasty things she said to me “Well the other day you wore a sweater that is for a little girl, it was made for a little girl”
I told her that I get compliments on my wardrobe. I don’t know what to do. She is constantly putting down things I like, but then in the next breath “Oh I think you dress nicely”
Then today when we went to the movies (and at dinner) I said to her right after we purchased our tickets “you really did not mean what you said about the red sweater and the other sweater, you just said it because you were mad” Then in one of those tones that implies I didn’t mean it but I said to annoy you tone “Yes I meant it” Also this is what she added at the restaurant “As long as you ask me that is my answer”
I don’t want to fight with her but she makes me say things to her So what do you make of what she said? Do you think she just said those things about my sweaters to annoy me.
Also should I write her a detailed letter explaining how I feel, and in the letter include the dialogue we have had and then rewrite the dialogue the way it should have been to get my point across to her
The Answer
You need to see a counselor. By yourself, or with your mother.
These questions are far beyond what anyone here is capable of helping you with.
You MUST get some professional guidance to deal with YOUR obsessive need for approval and your mother's perceived negativity.
You SHOULD NOT write to your mother rehashing old dialogues and issues until you get some professional guidance from a counselor or therapist to help you frame your letter in a fresh way that will help you move FORWARD instead of just contining the same old fights.
You are locked into a very destructive pattern that is not going to change by asking the same questions to advicenators over and over again. It will change when you get help the mired of issues you are facing.
Please, make an appointment with someone. You are not going to get any happier.
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The Question
Ok I am pissed at my mom's new boyfriend. Cause it seems to me that he can not really committ to my mom. I know its not of my business but sometimes I feel that he is curious about me with things I dont want him to know about. And I feel like he thinks I am hot and I dont want him looking at me that way and when with hot I mean that is isnt in a way to compliment. I dont even want other man to do that.
The Answer
Talk to your mom about this, gently, and with compassion. Don't attack the guy full-out, but let her know that 1.) You don't feel like he's good enough for her and 2.) He makes you uncomfortable.
Be calm and respectful, so she knows you are serious and are taking this seriously. Don't whine, just let her know that your gut is telling you he's a creep.
Thats important information for her to have.
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The Question
My wife and I got nice gifts for christmas from out son. My wife quickley went on line and looked up the dollar value of the 2 gifts, she is now mad because her gift costs $220.00 and mine was $395.00.
I feel this is not right and she should not compare gift costs. It's the thought that counts etc. My wife thinks gifts to us should always be equal value.She now wants to give hers back.
what do you think?
JT
The Answer
I think that her behavoir is aborhant. I can imagine a spoilt 15-year old behaving in that way, but an adult and a parent, I have trouble believing such a petty little creature exists.
Comparing prices is crass, but if she wants do so for her own knowledge, so be it. However, to confront your son over this would be absolutely unpardonable. It would be the hight of rudeness and indecency. If she can't tolerate the gift because it worth slightly less (frankly, in my opinion both gifts show you have an exceptionally generous son) then she can return it or give it to charity.
Although quite honestly, I would tell her she ought to be grateful for anything she recieved. If I thought my mother would sink to such behavoir the only thing she would recieve from me is a nice, heart-felt card.
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