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should mother offer financial help to adult son
i am a 37 year old male and in financial dire straits. not enough space here to go into details. shame and depression have caused both spouses to lose jobs and any quality of life. we have become reclusive and no longer take phone calls or visits from anyone. mother has known of our difficulties for 1+ yr from other sources, since im too ashamed to speak to her. she hasn't attempted to call in 6+ months. i never thought she had finances to help, but today i learned thru a bank error that she has $62k in savings. should i be upset that she has not offered help?
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Should you be upset with her? No. You should be upset with yourself for having feelings of entitlement over money that she has worked hard at TWO JOBS for. Sure, she may have $62k in the bank, but it is not your money, and she doesn't have to give it to you, whether you ask or not.
She is 66 years old. That could be money she's saving to survive on so she can retire.
She lives debt free, and doesn't have credit cards. Seems to me like she lives well within her means, as wise person would do.
As said before, perhaps since your sister's name is on the account, it is her account. Maybe she just used your mother as joint account member for if in the event something happens to her. If it's your mother's account, well, ever consider your poor judgments? I wouldn't allow my sons to share my savings account if they have shown poor judgment.
How you did as a kid or in school makes no difference in the here and now. Sounds like you're trying to justify yourself and your mistakes rather than learn from them and strive to do better.
As for her not calling, you said yourself you don't answer the phone, and last I heard the phone lines go both ways. You want her to call to ask if your ok... Do you give her that same consideration?
Even though you aren't looking for a free ride, she doesn't owe you anything in this life. You owe it to yourself to stop being reclusive and doing something for yourself.
Poor judgment is not a crime. However, you are responsible for your own mistakes and bad choices. One of the biggest problems in this country is that most people are always looking to someone else to bail them out of problems they have created for themselves. Be self reliant, and take responsibility for yourself.
I have to sink or swim in my life. I say you better start doggy paddling. Even if you have to work at Taco Bell or something. It's an honest pay check that will eventually create $800.
Live your life instead of hiding from it.
Just being honest, because that's definitely what you need to hear.
ygs-30/f
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A child of 37 is not entitled to be supported
by a parent. You can be mad at her if you want
to but once you turned 18 and became an adult, her job of supporting you was over.
It sounds to me like your depression is the
thing that is holding you back. It would help
if you got ongoing help for that problem. If
you are seeing a doctor for this and you
aren't being helped, change doctors. Get it
under control. Mental breakdowns of
any sort are not your parents fault.
It sounds as if your mother has worked very
hard for what she has. It is hers and she
doesn't have to share with anyone. It is
possible that the money you think she has is
your sisters and not hers. She is not the only name on the account.
Between you and your wife, you should be
able to make a living of some sort. It
may be you have to move to more affordable
housing...you do what you have to do to get
by on your own.
Good luck.
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At 37 you shouldn't have this much of a fear of responsibility.
I mean, seriously? I can't believe you put "if its meant to be, dad will direct the funds my way from heaven above" in a serious question. Thats pathetic.
Are you angry yet? Is there even a tiny flicker of defiance. I hope so.
Because the whole pathetic thing is a choice. Its a choice you make on a day to day basis.
And that is where recovery is going to be for you. What right do you have to be angry at your mother? I would have had more respect for you if you HAD lost your money doing something illegal or immoral. At least that would mean you were doing something at all. Hell, if you lost money because you had a coke habit I could understand addiction, and the need to seek help outside yourself to fight and win.
But thats not you. You just seem to have given up. I don't know at what point you made this choice, but it sounds like you may have made it a long, long time ago.
Do you remember what it was like to decide you wanted to do something, and then go out and accomplish it? When was the last time you did that on any scale?
Its time to get off your ass and grow up. You're pretty far behind where you need to be, but the amazing thing is all it has to be is like a switch.
I want you to take a few minutes. I want you to go back through and reread what you wrote, and I want you to catalogue every single occasion where you try to cast yourself in the best light possible.
Its as easy as refusing to let yourself wallow in patheticness and childhood desires to have the world delivered to you because you are too timid and scared of the world around you to reach out and take anything.
Get a little more pissed off, stop being so sedated. You're here agonizing over the fact that your mother has enough money to help you.
Yeah. Shes sixty years old and shes got sixty grand. She earned it. What have you earned? She may be cold but you don't seem to be acting much better. Why is it your parent's responsibility to be a better person than you are? Why does your parent not being a good person make you think you have the right to follow in her footsteps?
An adult doesn't cry because "everything is their fault". An adult accepts things are their fault because they intend to learn how and why things are their fault to correct it in the future.
You are locking yourself away in your own misery and its no one's fault but your own. Now instead of getting upset about that fact, try to find some nugget of angry defiance (judging by the defensive tone of your question, its in there somewhere buried under who knows how much personal drama) and try to build some determination to actually WORK to save yourself.
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I am only 17 but my father when through a a rough time. Went through a divorce. Lost the house all his kids grew up in. They took our car away, moved to an apartment. My grandmother found out about the situation and didn't say anything to my father. When it got to the point i was walking really far to class, (several miles there and several miles back) Taking the bus to the store, etc. He asked my grandmother for help and she was happy he finally asked for her help. Maybe your mother wants you to be independent and knows if you really need the help you will come to her.
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If it true that you will never speak to her about this information to clarify what the truth of the situation is and what the money is for
AND you have allowed yourself to become distanced from her
AND, most importantly, you have never and will never ask for her help
Then no, I'm sorry, you have no entitlement to hate her.
By all means, be in pain and stressed and disappointed. Be angry. Your situation is a miserable and difficult one. You are ABSOLUTELY entitled to feeling horribly about the way life is going right now, it is horrible.
But until you can overcome your pride, and turn to your mother with real open communication, an explanation of the facts and seriousness of your problems and a request for assistance, then she hasn’t betrayed you.
All she has done is failed to make the assumptions, guesses and judgments that you would like her to make. That could only be called betrayal if she is a mind reader.
It is not justifiable to hate her for not relying on those 'other sources' reporting on YOUR financial situation.
It is not justifiable to hate her for not giving what was not requested by her adult child.
There is no way she can be confident that she really knows the particulars. By your own description she has ever reason to have faith and confidence in your ability to be responsible and take care of you own life. You always have in the past! Although I’m no mind reader myself… based on your question I would be worried about offended your pride in offering unrequested assistance to you if you were my son.
It sounds as though you have had other struggles in your relationship with your mother that are coloring your interpretation of these events. I can’t guarantee that she isn’t the awful, cold-hearted person you believe her to be. But based on your question, you don’t provide the evidence that she is. The evidence you give here only proves that she is out of loop, that you two don’t communicate, and that you have had, and continue to have, difficulty turning to her for help.
Neither you, nor your mother, will actually know what is going on in the mind or life of the other until you talk about it. If you refuse to do that, that’s fine, but it’s not right to hate her for her imperfect actions, when those actions are based on imperfect information.
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