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i have nothing left
I have depression. It has alot to do with the fact that my father left me when i was little with my mom (who has paranoid schizophrenia). I was taken from my mom by child services when i was 2 and put in foster care for 3 years. Then my grandparents took me in and they are about the most disfunctional people you've ever met, little by little im being driven insane in this house. Everyday they tell me that im useless and selfish and ungrateful for what they have done for me, like i asked for this life and asked for them to take care of me! For the last 11 years (im 16 now) i've been given visitation rights with my mom for an hour every 2 months and in those visits i am the biggest bitch to her. I blame her for everything that has happened to me and for not caring enough about me to take medicine for her illness. When in reality i know none of its her fault and it makes me hate myself even more for thinking it, shes sick and she cant help it. For the last year i've been cutting myself, only one of my best friends knows, and have been put into therapy. Right away my doctor noticed that i should be put on medicine but my grandparents wont let me and im like a ticking time bomb. I lash out at everyone and i push away everyone that i ever cared about. I was such a bitch to my mother that i drove her to move, to Ireland! She moved 4 weeks ago and i just found out the other day, she left me just like my father did, without so much as a goodbye. I have nothing left, no body and i just want to die. I want to kill myself but i wont, im not strong enough to do it. What im basically asking is, how can i get help? I just want to be happy, how can i do it?
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Maybe give some free advice about: Mental health?
Please read this entire message:
Hello. My name is CeeCee. I joined this site because unfortunately I have an enormous amount of life experience that includes major depression, bipolar disorder, committing myself to get help, medication for mental illness, life threatening illnesses, suicide are among some of them. I realized that I am fortunate too because I have so much to offer someone who is suffering in this life. I will spare you the details of my life, and I will only use general examples that express what I would like to explain to you. If you would like to know details, feel free to ask me and I will be honest with you. Please give me a chance to help you help yourself.
You have your hands full with issues that someone your age should not have to deal with. Your life should be fun and your heart should not be heavy. But, you were given life circumstances for a reason, like I was. The reasons won't be clear to you until you are thinking clearly and your mind isn't seemingly overloaded like you described happens to you at night. But, believe me when I tell you that one day you will be better. I spiraled down so far that I sat for hours a day stareing off into nothingness and I didn't speak. If I could come back from the things in my life that almost killed me, you can too.
It's actually a strong person who can reach out and ask for help. So, the first thing you have to do is to admit to yourself that you need help from someone close to you or from a professional person. The second thing you have to do is ALLOW yourself to accept help and to let the chosen person carry a little bit of your burdens. The third thing is to follow through on the work you begin to do for yourself to get better. By "follow through" I mean you have to put all of yourself into getting better and you have to participate in your is this process of getting better, because you will need to speak of what you need, how you are feeling, and you'll have to always remember that no one can read your mind. So staying pro-active in your process of healing you will have to speak. You will have to speak the words to describe exactly how you are feeling and all of the symptoms you have. You won't be able to get the proper help unless you can describe what it feels like to be you. And, getting the wrong kind of help will only mask your symptoms and later on down the road they will come back in a forceful way. The fourth thing you have to do is allow yourself to be at peace with your current state of mind. This step is important because if you don't accept the fact that you are in a depression right now, you will resist any help and most of all you will compound your issues and the whole process will take on another huge hurdle that really has nothing to do with any of your other symptoms because you created it and you've put a stigma on your condition. The stigma you believe will lead you in the direction where there is no help and you will eventually reach the point where you are only working very hard every day to surpress what is real inside of you.
Having said all of that, I would like to let you decide if you would like to continue communicating with me so that I can maybe help you figure out which direction to go in. Also, if you would like to know more about me because we continue communicating, please ask me anything and, like I said, I will answer you truthfully. I have so much more to say to you. But, this is your decision.
Be Well,
CeeCee
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my moms father died when she was 5 and her mom got remarried when she was 8. They made her work for everything she ever needed for example food, shoes ect. It was a very tough time for her. She started working when she was 17 and she got married right away thinking she would have a better life, without her mom and her step father but the husband was such an asshole and it was worse then she thought it would be . She divorced him after 7 months and she lived on her own when she was 18. she paid for everything it wasnt easy. . But she always looked for a brighter side. Thats what your suppose to do. After all this .. my point being .. is dont look at your past.. just think of the future. It's never going to help if you think about the past and if your not doing anything to help yourself. You have to believe in yourself thats like the most important thing. IF you dont want to end up like your mother you have to straighten yourself up. One day your gonna be able to live on your own , without anyone in the past. you can never forget about the past. but it wont help to hold on to it . I hope you follow this advice. ... And I hope i helped.. good luck. & im also very sorry to hear all this .
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I am so sorry to hear all of this but I'm happy that you are looking for help. Depression is definitely something that can be cured so you should have strong hope that everything will get better. I really believe that the outside is a reflection for how we feel inside. When you're parents left you at such a young age, it left a scar inside of you that you seem to have been repressing. By getting mad and blowing up on other people, it is your way of dealing with those emotions that you never fully dealt with. This doesn't make you a bad person. For a long time I was the same way, because I had a lot of suffering inside of myself and I took it out on everyone. As a result I lost my best friend and distanced myself from my family. I really urge you to talk to a psychologist (which it seems like you already have) but also to form friendships with people in your school or area. Depression is a lot easier to overcome when you have someone close to you that you can talk to and who can help you think rationally. One day you'll be able to forgive your parents for leaving you and put it behind you. And after that you will be less angry and start to feel genuine happiness in your life. I wish you the best of luck with this and I know that you will make it through this. If you have anytime I'd also recommend you read a book titled "The Secret" because it really helped me. Have a great 2009. Don't lose hope. <3
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For starters.. I had a ex boyfriend his father died a few days before he was born and his mother died when he was 2 or 3. He is angry inside, he can be a complete jerk. Hates the world. He lives with his grandmother. who he is a jerk to. I lived with him for 6 months. I dont exactly know what you are going through but i have seen it. If your grandparents wont help you with the medication contact your social worker or a social worker and let them know. that is being an unfit garudian. (sp).. get a job, save up your money, a job will also keep you busy and away from your grandparents.. your grandparents get money for taking care of you. they are the ones being selfish. not raising you for you but you for money (from what you saying thats what it seems) you have two years left and you will have the choice to leave there home. you made it 11 years dont get to put down now. work towards the future. the future that you will be able to have. schooling, a great career, a family of your own. there are plenty of possibilities.
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