Member Since: December 27, 2008
Answers: 2
Last Update: January 3, 2009
Visitors: 747
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I have depression. It has alot to do with the fact that my father left me when i was little with my mom (who has paranoid schizophrenia). I was taken from my mom by child services when i was 2 and put in foster care for 3 years. Then my grandparents took me in and they are about the most disfunctional people you've ever met, little by little im being driven insane in this house. Everyday they tell me that im useless and selfish and ungrateful for what they have done for me, like i asked for this life and asked for them to take care of me! For the last 11 years (im 16 now) i've been given visitation rights with my mom for an hour every 2 months and in those visits i am the biggest bitch to her. I blame her for everything that has happened to me and for not caring enough about me to take medicine for her illness. When in reality i know none of its her fault and it makes me hate myself even more for thinking it, shes sick and she cant help it. For the last year i've been cutting myself, only one of my best friends knows, and have been put into therapy. Right away my doctor noticed that i should be put on medicine but my grandparents wont let me and im like a ticking time bomb. I lash out at everyone and i push away everyone that i ever cared about. I was such a bitch to my mother that i drove her to move, to Ireland! She moved 4 weeks ago and i just found out the other day, she left me just like my father did, without so much as a goodbye. I have nothing left, no body and i just want to die. I want to kill myself but i wont, im not strong enough to do it. What im basically asking is, how can i get help? I just want to be happy, how can i do it? (link)
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Please read this entire message:
Hello. My name is CeeCee. I joined this site because unfortunately I have an enormous amount of life experience that includes major depression, bipolar disorder, committing myself to get help, medication for mental illness, life threatening illnesses, suicide are among some of them. I realized that I am fortunate too because I have so much to offer someone who is suffering in this life. I will spare you the details of my life, and I will only use general examples that express what I would like to explain to you. If you would like to know details, feel free to ask me and I will be honest with you. Please give me a chance to help you help yourself.
You have your hands full with issues that someone your age should not have to deal with. Your life should be fun and your heart should not be heavy. But, you were given life circumstances for a reason, like I was. The reasons won't be clear to you until you are thinking clearly and your mind isn't seemingly overloaded like you described happens to you at night. But, believe me when I tell you that one day you will be better. I spiraled down so far that I sat for hours a day stareing off into nothingness and I didn't speak. If I could come back from the things in my life that almost killed me, you can too.
It's actually a strong person who can reach out and ask for help. So, the first thing you have to do is to admit to yourself that you need help from someone close to you or from a professional person. The second thing you have to do is ALLOW yourself to accept help and to let the chosen person carry a little bit of your burdens. The third thing is to follow through on the work you begin to do for yourself to get better. By "follow through" I mean you have to put all of yourself into getting better and you have to participate in your is this process of getting better, because you will need to speak of what you need, how you are feeling, and you'll have to always remember that no one can read your mind. So staying pro-active in your process of healing you will have to speak. You will have to speak the words to describe exactly how you are feeling and all of the symptoms you have. You won't be able to get the proper help unless you can describe what it feels like to be you. And, getting the wrong kind of help will only mask your symptoms and later on down the road they will come back in a forceful way. The fourth thing you have to do is allow yourself to be at peace with your current state of mind. This step is important because if you don't accept the fact that you are in a depression right now, you will resist any help and most of all you will compound your issues and the whole process will take on another huge hurdle that really has nothing to do with any of your other symptoms because you created it and you've put a stigma on your condition. The stigma you believe will lead you in the direction where there is no help and you will eventually reach the point where you are only working very hard every day to surpress what is real inside of you.
Having said all of that, I would like to let you decide if you would like to continue communicating with me so that I can maybe help you figure out which direction to go in. Also, if you would like to know more about me because we continue communicating, please ask me anything and, like I said, I will answer you truthfully. I have so much more to say to you. But, this is your decision.
Be Well,
CeeCee
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im seventeen a senior in high school. it seems everything has gone to shit within the past month. My dad is constantly yelling at me telling me how big of a failure i am and for me to feel sorry for him because "i dont try hard enough and take advantage of him" but little does he know how hard i try to keep straight A's but there is this one little D in english. Iv never been good in english and there is a 15 page essay due written in MLA style. I have stayed up till 5 or 6 in the morning working on this paper and only get 3 pages done. On top of that i have 7 finals in the next two days along with this paper and i have been stressing out so freaken bad and on top of that my boyfriend is cheating on me with some immature little girl. Iv been thinking of suicide. I could A. cut my throat B. take lots of my dads pills or C. hang myself with a belt attached to a wall with a walmart sack over my head. over christmas break..... one will be done. Which would you think would be best? (link)
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I suffer from Bi-Polar Disorder and over the past ten years I have been hospitalized three times, been in an outpatient program for weeks, and I have experienced the fear of having to face my life and the desire to want to eliminate myself from this world. I don't have the cure, but I have experience and you have to believe that you are not in this alone. It seems like you are because suicideolgy is an illness, and at any time when we are sick in any way, we feel cut off from the rest of the world because we think we are so different and we think we are judged, especially when we have a mental illness. I chose not to end my life. But, I was at the bottom of the spiral and I was preparing to do so by stashing medications that I believed would end my life. I was ready. I made the choice to not end my life because I realized through years of therapy and years of trying to find the right mix of medication to handle my illness, that the only thing that suicide would achieve would be leaving a real mess behind that the people in my life who I loved, would have to clean up. I mean that figuretly, not literately. Also, the people you leave will never heal and you will destroy their lives, and possibly send them into the same place you were in before you ended your life. Suicide is a selfish act. Right now everything looks insurmountable. I played head games with myself to make myself not give up, to make myself have patience for the long haul to finding the right mix of medications, and to have enough spirit left inside me just to help me get up in the morning. If I was able to get out of bed, if I was able to get a cup of coffee, if I was able to do any small task like that, then I made myself believe that I could also take small steps to healing myself. Eventually, I would look back to yesterday and I would build on the fact that I took a shower, and then I would challenge myself to fix my hair, or read a book, or something like that to keep me amongst the living. You must believe that suicideology is a mental illness that is able to be beaten. It is not a character flaw, it's not a bad mood, it's not easy to beat. But it can be beaten. You have to research the resources that are available to you. If you don't have adequate medical insurance or no medical insurance at all, there are still ways to get help. You can pay on a sliding scale, or find free resources in your community. Even Pastors, Priests and Ministers can help you, or even Elders. Also, you need to admit to a loved one what you are going through and you need to tell this person that you have considered ending your life. This person will serve as your anchor, to keep you still and to keep your from losing direction. Once you say the words to someone that you want to end your life, something happens inside of you and suddenly it feels wrong. This is a big step, but you have to take it. If you don't, you will get lost in a sea of self hatred, guilt, depression, feeling sorry for yourself, and the list goes on. Don't feel sorry for yourself. That will enable you to want to kill your hurt with any means that will help you immediately. Such as alcohol, drugs, and other self destructive behaviours. Fight it and fight hard and fight unfair.
If you want, I can continue messaging you until you have found your way. It is up to you.
Cee
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