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suicide
im seventeen a senior in high school. it seems everything has gone to shit within the past month. My dad is constantly yelling at me telling me how big of a failure i am and for me to feel sorry for him because "i dont try hard enough and take advantage of him" but little does he know how hard i try to keep straight A's but there is this one little D in english. Iv never been good in english and there is a 15 page essay due written in MLA style. I have stayed up till 5 or 6 in the morning working on this paper and only get 3 pages done. On top of that i have 7 finals in the next two days along with this paper and i have been stressing out so freaken bad and on top of that my boyfriend is cheating on me with some immature little girl. Iv been thinking of suicide. I could A. cut my throat B. take lots of my dads pills or C. hang myself with a belt attached to a wall with a walmart sack over my head. over christmas break..... one will be done. Which would you think would be best?
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I suffer from Bi-Polar Disorder and over the past ten years I have been hospitalized three times, been in an outpatient program for weeks, and I have experienced the fear of having to face my life and the desire to want to eliminate myself from this world. I don't have the cure, but I have experience and you have to believe that you are not in this alone. It seems like you are because suicideolgy is an illness, and at any time when we are sick in any way, we feel cut off from the rest of the world because we think we are so different and we think we are judged, especially when we have a mental illness. I chose not to end my life. But, I was at the bottom of the spiral and I was preparing to do so by stashing medications that I believed would end my life. I was ready. I made the choice to not end my life because I realized through years of therapy and years of trying to find the right mix of medication to handle my illness, that the only thing that suicide would achieve would be leaving a real mess behind that the people in my life who I loved, would have to clean up. I mean that figuretly, not literately. Also, the people you leave will never heal and you will destroy their lives, and possibly send them into the same place you were in before you ended your life. Suicide is a selfish act. Right now everything looks insurmountable. I played head games with myself to make myself not give up, to make myself have patience for the long haul to finding the right mix of medications, and to have enough spirit left inside me just to help me get up in the morning. If I was able to get out of bed, if I was able to get a cup of coffee, if I was able to do any small task like that, then I made myself believe that I could also take small steps to healing myself. Eventually, I would look back to yesterday and I would build on the fact that I took a shower, and then I would challenge myself to fix my hair, or read a book, or something like that to keep me amongst the living. You must believe that suicideology is a mental illness that is able to be beaten. It is not a character flaw, it's not a bad mood, it's not easy to beat. But it can be beaten. You have to research the resources that are available to you. If you don't have adequate medical insurance or no medical insurance at all, there are still ways to get help. You can pay on a sliding scale, or find free resources in your community. Even Pastors, Priests and Ministers can help you, or even Elders. Also, you need to admit to a loved one what you are going through and you need to tell this person that you have considered ending your life. This person will serve as your anchor, to keep you still and to keep your from losing direction. Once you say the words to someone that you want to end your life, something happens inside of you and suddenly it feels wrong. This is a big step, but you have to take it. If you don't, you will get lost in a sea of self hatred, guilt, depression, feeling sorry for yourself, and the list goes on. Don't feel sorry for yourself. That will enable you to want to kill your hurt with any means that will help you immediately. Such as alcohol, drugs, and other self destructive behaviours. Fight it and fight hard and fight unfair.
If you want, I can continue messaging you until you have found your way. It is up to you.
Cee
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Please, seek out therapy. We both know this is needed.
Next, find yourself a tutor for English. Even letting your teacher know something like, "I am trying very hard in this course. I even have a tutor I meet with once a week," will show him how much effort you are putting forth in his class. I was a college English tutor for awhile and everyone I ever tutored only improved. If you ever need me to look over a paper of yours, please feel free to inbox me and we can exchange email addresses for this purpose (I have done this with another user on the site as well).
Next, sit down with your father and tell him your feelings. He probably doesn't know how stressed out you are, especially if he hasn't been in school for awhile. Tell him you need to have a serious discussion when he is available and, at his next opportunity, talk to him about your feelings. Tell him you're trying very hard in school. Tell him you're putting all of your efforts forward to make good grades to impress him. Then tell him your plan to find a tutor for English, and ask if he could help you out in that department even.
There's no need to be upset with him, really. He probably doesn't understand your difficulties in English. He probably doesn't realize how much a high school student has to go through now.
Cut out excessive social time. Seriously. I know it's hard and but take some weeks to just focus on school work. Instead of going out with friends every day, tell them you need some extra study time and you can make arrangements for such things on one particular day of the week. If everything cannot be crammed into that day then make plans for the following week. Take that time you'll have for studying and for RELAXING. Many teens go out every day or every-other-day and lose valuable study time--simply pick ONE day a week to spend with friends.
Remember study techniques also apply when you're writing essays. Make sure the room is fairly quiet and comfortable. Put on very soft classical music if you must have noise (VERY low volume). Turn off the television and turn on some lights to make sure everything is well-lighted. Have your work area already set out with necessities to get the job done--even if you're just typing on the computer you may want to have a pen, pencil, and notebook handy. If you have to go on the computer to type your essay then do not log onto the internet--most people get distracted by social networking sites and instant messenger services now. Have a glass of cool water nearby to sip on as you work. Do not study on an empty stomach (but try not to eat while studying). Take breaks frequently--every 30-45 minutes should call for a good 15 minute break away from your work. Ask other people for input on certain things--if you simply cannot figure out how to word something then ask your father, mother, brother, sister, aunt, friend, etc (even email me). Just don't spend 15 minutes on one sentence or you'll feel burned out very quickly.
As for your suicide methods, none of the above are painless so please take that into consideration. Nobody wants to die in excruciating pain.
Hangings are usually found in the knick of time--when the person is still alive but the brain doesn't function properly. Could you imagine having to live a life as a vegetable or as a now-mentally-retarded girl because you deprived your brain of oxygen for a certain amount of time? Victims of strangulation and hangings are usually bloated and purple looking when found, usually after having defecated on themselves (yes, when you die you DO lose all control of bodily functions).
Taking pills, even muscle relaxers, cause an immense amount of pain that you simply wouldn't believe! Overdosing is not as simple as falling asleep and never waking up. Many people break out into cold sweats, have seizures, severe stomach pains, and so-on. Overdosing is painful and is not a "quick, painless way out" of life. This link provides information about how a typical overdose happens:
[Link](Mouse over link to see full location)
Overdosing usually leads to messy, painful and long-drawn-out consequences, including slow poisoning. There is not really a painless way to find death. If you attempt suicide, be aware that you will probably be in pain for the last bit of your consciousness, no matter what method you choose.
This is a very good scenario of what could happen from an overdose:
"Imagine suddenly having problems breathing and feeling very dizzy and weak. You have to sit down in the floor and before you know it, things are spinning around you and you break out in a sweat. You have to lay down on the floor because you're so weak. Your stomach is hurting--it feels like something is going to rip out of your flesh and eat you alive. Your body starts to shake on it's own, but your muscles hurt so bad you just can't stand it. It's hard to breath now, you're gasping for air, but you can't see anything around you. You lay on the floor, in a puddle of your own sweat, while you pray the pain stops. You begin to lose control of normal body functions, maybe you just urinated yourself. You slip in and out of consciousness, in and out of feeling jolts of extreme pain throughout your body that you can no longer control. You finally lose consciousness completely.
You wake up 6 months later. Someone, through a miracle of God, had found you in your very unpleasant state. You scared them deeply and they rushed you to the emergency room, where you spent hours of some group of workers time while they prayed they could save your life. A little 3-year-old boy died because they had to work on you before they could get to him but you won't ever know that. You're awake in a hospital bed you've been taking up for the past 6 months. You've, obviously, failed all of your classes for this year in this time. Your friends and family have became ill from worry, and a couple have begun thinking of suicide themselves for "pushing you" to it. You now have a slew of medications you have to take daily or you become ill. You've lost control of coordination and will have to have physical therapy in HOPES you regain the ability to walk. You have problems talking and your words are slewed--you'll have to go through speech therapy too.
You cannot hold a decent job if you wanted to now. You cannot even walk from to the restroom without falling twice. You cannot communicate clearly enough for most people to understand you. If you aren't up with your medication, you wet yourself, so you have to constantly be wearing Depends. Because of your medications and your physical disabilities now you have lost your license and are unable to regain the privilege of driving. Your friends and family treat you like an infant--afraid of every move you make. You no longer can live on your own because you need physical assistance. You cannot even hold a pot up long enough to get it to the stove so you don't have one at all. Your neighbors have their eye on you now--just in case--and they talk about how strange you are and that they heard this and that from why you are disabled now."
Doesn't sound so quick and simple, does it?
Now for your bag-over-head method (as I've already pointed out the flaws in hanging): very slow, very painful, and if you're found just in the "knick of time" in this case you may end up with brain damage.
Also remember that if you do pass away, someone will have to clean up your remains. I don't think anyone wants to walk into their little girl's bedroom to see a lifeless corpse. I don't think anyone even wants to walk into their little girl's bedroom to find their daughter half-alive.
After a person dies, the pain does not go away. It's almost as it's just dispersed through their family members and friends--and grows while it's at it. People who live on after a loved-one as committed suicide are more likely to commit suicide themselves. They are more likely to suffer major-depression. They are more likely to lose their job (and home, in some cases), pull away from friends and family, divorce, turn to drugs and alcohol, and suffer alone with guilt.
You see, none of your suicide methods are best, or better than others.
Suicide is not the answer you're looking for. Please, open up to a family member about NEEDING to seek therapy. If they inquire as to why, you might as well tell them. If you were going to let them find a lifeless corpse of what was you then you surely can open up and say, "I am having suicidal thoughts that need to be dealt with before something happens to me." A therapist can help you talk through the hurt you're feeling and help you uncover other methods of help that you've been overlooking. You won't gain a stigma for the rest of your life if you see a therapist. Your friends and family won't belittle you for seeking help for yourself. Since you are so young, the assistance would likely be free or very little cost.
If you don't know anyone in your family that you can open up to about your suicidal feelings then go see your high school counselor. Tell him/her about the issue and be straightforward about wanting a therapist to talk to on a regular basis. They will ENSURE you get the therapist you desire and require.
Take a deep breath. This will all pass in time. You'll live years on and look back to find this a silly moment of yours.
If you have any more questions please feel free to inbox me. Also feel free to inbox me if you would like to take me up on the offer of email exchange.
P.S. Talking to a peer is not like talking to a licensed therapist. It's great that people offer their shoulders on Advicenators but it does not replace professional help. Good friends are great to have, but in times like these you need more than that.
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okay i am going to be completely honest with you, suicide is not the answer to all your problems, if anything it is a selfish act. Take into consideration the people around you who care, your dad is probably just stressed out and takes it out on you which yes is very very wrong, but would you want him to hurt, to feel like its all his fault? Instead tell your dad how you are feeling talking can help a lot. just think about your future what you will miss and the things you can accomplish with the grades you do have, heck you can prove everyone wrong which i feel is a braver approach, where as suicide is just an easy way out, sure times may be shitty right now, hell who hasnt had shitty times (i got kicked out of my house and my parents want nothing to do with me), but with out the bad how would you know the good? I promise you things will get better, focus on the people who have nothing and look at what you do have, a roof over your head, food to eat, and you actually have a promising future unlike most people in 3rd world countries. Make the best of what you can and show people you are a strong individual, and as for your boyfriend forget him, a guy should never make you feel like you are worthless because you know something, YOU ARE WORTH SOMETHING! Please do not even make an attempt, and if it is a failed attempt of suicide you will end up in a mental ward and your future will be tarnished. If you need to talk to somebody i will certainly talk with you anything that i can do i will, do not hesitate!
please consider what i have said,
my aim is MODERNDURATION and my E-mail is CLASSICXDISASTERR@yahoo.com
Brittni.
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