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a national guilt trip: family and college
so, i, like many people my age, must get out of my hometown for college. i've lived here all of my life and it is a lovely place, really, but quite frankly i'm getting restless and a little claustrophobic in a city that is literally half my cousins and that anything exciting rarely happens in. not that big of a problem, if one at all. this has been a dream all my life. i live in the southwest and i'm dying to go to the East coast, particularly NYC or Boston. i know it will be difficult and expensive, but this is what i've always wanted to do.
well, lately, my family (again, half the city) has taken it upon themselves to outline everything wrong with my dreams. EVERYTHING. starting with the fact that i am much too soft and not "street smart" enough for NYC. i am also, it turns out, too sickly to go anywhere, going to be discriminated against (i'm hispanic)and just "trying to move far away from" my mom, sister, dad, grandparents, everyone involved in this major guilt trip. it hasn't helped that most of my friends with big city dreams like me have changed their plans to all going to the same in state school.
i have tried to talk to them, to explain m dream and and my reasonings, etc. etc. but they don't seem to hear me. how do i get through and fulfill this dream without leaving behind resentment in those who supported me before? help!
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Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Families?
It is going to be hard for you to make your decision. You must decipher whether your family's happiness means more than yours because surely one day, they all aren't going to be around. Then what? Will you lament because you listened to them? If that is the life you want and you're sure you can handle it, you should definitely go for it. Your family needs to take the time to get to know you better, know your hopes, goals, and dreams. They are being protective of you, incase you haven't noticed. You need to show them that you're strong by proving to them that you can make decisions for yourself. Before all of that, you must first ask youself if you're well adept to handle that life away from your family and friends. Of course you are going to feel homesick but make sure you are well prepared to make that transition.
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Um Hey i know exactly what your going through! Although im UK not USA... (as much as id love to be usa.. im not)
My Family r tryna bust my dreams too.
Um why dont you tell them that at the end of the day its you life, and your education! you should have the right to learn it where you want!
Oh something else that really helps "oh i havent decieded where im going yet... still looking at a few different colleges" Works a trick!
One day your family are going to have to let you go and spread your wings! Maybe their just nt ready i dont know?
But i guess they do really mean best for you and are trying to help - although it does seems like a pain in the butt!
As for fullfin your dream vs leaving home, tell them that your still their number 1 fan or sumethings like that, but you have dreamed about going to this college for a long time now...
Sorry i couldnt help much.
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Stop explaining. Start acting.
These are the magic phrases:
"I'm sorry you feel that way, I don't." and "I disagree."
You can't change someone's mind, especially when they are arguing from an emotional standpoint ('Why would you leave me?! Whaa!') or when they are trying to argue based on a theory or a possible negative outcome ('You wont be able to make it there.') You might as well howl at the moon for all the good your explaining will do you. They are just as entitled to their opinions and feelings as you are, but just because they have opinions and feelings, doesn't mean you need to change your choices.
Just act. Educate yourself and inform your plan. Do everything you can to make it a possible plan. The only people who you need to 'explain' anything too are the others who have stakes in your plan (ie, if you parents or grandparents are financially supporting you, then they deserve well-thought out answers to their practical concerns.) You should also have a plan in place of what you will do if the people who you thought were going to support you finically, choose not too.
The funny thing about being human is that not only do we want to do what we want to do, we want everyone else to want us to do it too! And life just doesn't work like that sometimes. Sometimes, even the people we love and who love us right back, are not going to be supportive.
Taking this approach to it, where you stop trying to convince them to see it your way, and just stick to your message of "I like my plan. I believe in my plan. I've made my choice." will help you avoid resenting them a bit. Resentment is strongest when you feel bullied, so don't let yourself be bullied. More importantly this approach will show them how confident you are (and if you aren't confident enough to take this approach, go back to basics and build yourself a plan you CAN be this confident about!) and even if they still disagree, they are likely to shut up about it a bit.
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