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thanks for the advice! i think part of his problem is that he has a little brother that his parents pretty much worship because he's a superstar athlete and straight A student. my bf is always home alone because his parents are always at his brother's games. so maybe thats part of it. but my bf is a really good athlete too. and hes not stupid... he gets okay grades but hes really smart about a lot of things. and everyone loves him... he was voted funniest and best personality of our class. basically because he shows off a lot to get attention. he also flirts with girls all the time (which is a whole nother problem that i didnt include) because he loves the attention. so he shouldnt be insecure, but i guess he is. (link)
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Ah, the younger brother who steals the spotlight. That clarifies things rather a lot. I wouldn't be surprised if that were the bulk of his problem - it's difficult having a younger sibling who outshines you (I went through it on the other end; I WAS the younger sibling, and I could never figure out why my older brother felt a constant need to put me down).
My advice remains the same, and I'm glad you appreciate it. You still need to talk to him - DON'T suggest that it's his younger brother he's upset about, because (1) I might be wrong about that, and (2) if I'm right, he won't want to admit it anyway, and you mentioning it will just make him angry.
A subtle approach might be a good move. If there's something that he's significantly better at than his brother, you might start calling attention to that and see if it boosts his mood. Good luck!
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i have a weird problem: my boyfriend is jealous of me. for example, i'm in honors classes and get really good grades, and hes always like "you're so smart and im so stupid!". if i win an award or accomplish something, he never says congratulations or good job, he just pouts. or if i do something with my girlfriends, he acts all left out, even tho its just girls. also, he spent all year convincing me to try out for cheerleading, and then when i made it, i got a lot of attention, and that made him mad. the weird thing is, he's really funny and popular and athletic and lots of girls like him, so it doesnt seem like he'd have any reason to be jealous of me. i love him so much but this is putting a real strain on our relationship! why does he act that way?? (link)
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The guy has serious insecurity problems. He'll need to get over them if your relationship is going to be successful.
As your boyfriend, he should be pleased when you succeed at things and even a little happy about the attention you get - after all, it reflects well on him that you COULD have another boyfriend, but he's the one you want to be with.
Do you have any idea what the root of his problems is? Perhaps you can try to draw him out a little. In any event, I'd say the time has come for you to talk seriously with him about his attitude. You deserve to be able to succeed without having to hear him whine about it, and it's definitely not fair for him to get upset about you wanting to spend time with your other friends. Basically, you need to give him an ultimatum - tell him that his depressive attitude is causing a major strain on your relationship, and that if he keeps putting himself down and sulking whenever something good happens for you, eventually you're going to get tired of it and walk away. Put this to him gently and make it clear that you'll help him if he needs emotional support, but that the way things have been isn't the way they can be anymore.
SOMETHING is bothering him. He may not even know what it is consciously, but he's got some kind of problem that's making him feel worthless. Hopefully you can help him through it, but don't let him drag you down. If he insists on being someone that will hold you back, you may eventually need to just cut him loose.
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i am getting marrie tonight and we both are virgin and dont know what to do,i am confused.but i am littel bit nurves also,that how can i have sex with a virgin girl,she is 24 and i am 25,and from where i have to start first lolzz
answer me please
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First of all, try to relax. You're both new at this and, like anything else, you're not going to be experts from moment one. Don't try to do anything acrobatic or crazy; you'll have lots of time to experiment with new positions, role-playing, and exotic costumes later. It should be about enjoying this new-found intimacy with each other, nothing more.
A little preparation will help. Have some K-Y jelly handy; it's a water-based lubricant that may be useful if it turns out to be a little painful for her. Also, assuming that you're not trying for a baby right away, you'll want to have your birth control figured out and taken care of. Fortunately, you don't need to worry at all about STDs! Oh, and have something handy by the bedside to clean up with, like a damp cloth or something.
When the time comes, take it as slowly as you need to; there is no need to rush. Weddings are exhausting - if you're just plain too tired to consummate on your wedding night, let it go until the following day! You don't need to follow anyone else's rules; this is YOUR marriage.
Make it romantic for her! It's your wedding night (or shortly thereafter) so love is already in the air; all you need to do is enhance it. In order to make it a truly memorable experience for both of you, keep the mood going in the honeymoon suite. Choose music that you want to associate with this happy memory for years to come. Candlelight and flowers are essential, and a bit of champagne to toast with privately can be a nice touch (the bottle will also make a great keepsake). Again, take it slowly, cherish the experience, and touch her in loving and gentle ways. Don't be in a hurry; you and your new bride have all the time in the world, and it's all about the two of you being together in a wonderfully intimate way.
Needless to say, this is no time for practical jokes. Sometimes, overenthusiastic groomsmen will do stupid things like fill the honeymoon suite with crumpled newspaper, or leave inflatable sex toys in the bed, or things of that nature. If your friends have a warped sense of humor and you think they might actually try something like that, make it clear that you won't appreciate any of that sort of thing on your wedding night, and that you won't forgive them easily for ruining it.
As for what you actually do once you get there... this is a website with underage members, so unfortunately I can't give you any practical advice of a descriptive nature. There are places you can go for that kind of information; books and websites about sex are everywhere. Really, though, it's NOT that complicated. Just do what feels right.
(With all due respect to the previous responder, porn is about fantasy, NOT reality, and Penthouse is not where you should go for advice. It would be like trying to learn about archaeology by watching Indiana Jones.)
The hardest part is that when you're actually "doing it", she may feel some inevitable pain. The key is to go slowly and let her set the pace. A little KY might help (do NOT use vaseline or any other non-water-based lubricant; it can cause a serious bacterial infection because it doesn't wash away).
When you're "done", you're not done. Hold her close, enjoy the afterglow, tell her how much you love her, how beautiful she is, how fortunate you are to be married to her, that kind of thing. Have another glass of champagne together. If your room has a jaccuzi, hop in for a warm bath with her. DO NOT TURN ON THE TV. If she just wants to go to sleep, let her; remember, she may be emotionally and physically exhausted, and if that's the case don't take it personally.
In the end, it will be the romantic atmosphere and the feeling of love that will be memorable, not your technique or skill level in bed. Concentrate on satisfying her emotionally, and the physical part will follow.
Good luck, and happy marriage!
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I am a mother's helper for 2 girls 4 and 5, and the first time I went I got like 7 dollars and hour cause she payed me 15 dollars when I was there for 2 hours. Now all of a sudden I only get 6 and hour? I think it chages all the time. Is she too cheap? (link)
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She may not have actually remembered what you got paid the previous time, and honestly messed up. However, the time to mention that has passed; you accepted the money that was offered, and it's too late to go back and ask for more.
The best thing to do at this point is to decide in advance what you will be paid, so that there is no question about it. It wouldn't hurt to put it in writing; just a simple contract describing your hourly rate will do. Then, keep track of your own time and when it is time to be paid, tell her straight away, "I worked for an hour and a half yesterday and two hours today" or something like that. If she pays you the wrong amount, mention it (politely!) right away.
Whenever money changes hands, it's helpful to have something in writing. In this case, it's not for legal reasons or anything like that - it's just to keep things from becoming awkward, and to make sure you're both on the same page.
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k so i like this guy and i have been trying to figure out if he like me back. all my friends say he does but that would be too good to be true. Anyways one day i was in the class where we all hangout and he was with his friends and i was with mine. well he fatted(i know great guy choice right?)lol anyways one of his friends was yelling my name "________!_______! did you hear what your boyfreind just did" and then i was like well hes not my boyfriend or whatever and another one of his frieds was like 'dude i dont even know why she like you". Now everytime i am around his friends like when they are telling me a story or something they refer to him as my boyfriend. Do I take this as a hint or just messing around??? pleezzeee help!!!!!!! (link)
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First of all, his friends are really being jerks. If he DOES like you, then they're not helping anything to happen here; they're embarrassing him and virtually guaranteeing that he'll never make a move. If you want to find out his real feelings for you, you're going to have to take the first step yourself.
Find some way to talk to him alone - WITHOUT his friends around. Then, you should just be honest with him:
"Obviously, you've heard rumors that I like you. Well, the thing is, it's true. I'd really love to go out with you sometime. I know your friends are giving you crap about it, saying you're my boyfriend and all that, and it's embarrassing and I wish they wouldn't do it... but the truth is, I really DO like you. I don't know if you feel the same way, but... just think about it, okay?"
The next move needs to be his. If he's not willing to make it, then he either doesn't feel the same way, or he's letting his friends make the call for him. Either way, that's not someone you want to be dating. If it's actually going to work out, he needs to have the character to ignore his friends' juvenile teasing and ask you out anyway, because he wants to and they're not going to stop him.
Good luck!
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Hey! im a 16 year old female..So i dated this guy josh for almost 7 months and he lives a town away from me..i broke up with him a week ago because i was having confused feelings about everything in my life and i rarely get to see him because my parents dont let me do much of anything anymore so it was just hard on me so i ended it..theres a guy in my grade (mike)- he goes to my school and ive liked him for awhile now and he likes me back..we went to a movie with a group of people and we've held hands and stuff...Schools is out in about a week and a half..Josh is going to college and i dont know who i will see more often. I just dont know who to chose and i like them both so much!! (link)
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Consider carefully whether your relationship with Josh can survive the distance. LDRs can be very rough, especially as people tend to change when they separate and when they get back together they often find that the spark is gone. You will both have temptations; Josh will be surrounded by new women who he's never met before, and you've got this fellow Mike nearby who you already feel some attraction to.
It will be hard, but I advise you to end your relationship with Josh. Try to do it on a good note; explain to him that while you still have feelings for him, it just doesn't seem fair to either of you to continue a relationship where you won't see each other, especially as that's what led you to break up with him the first time. Give him the gift of freedom to take to college with him.
Of course, that might be the wrong thing to do. You don't know what the future will bring. So in the end, you're just going to have to follow your heart on this one. Either way you go, you'll likely end up wondering what might have been, and that's just life. Sorry I can't give you any absolutely firm advice, but in the game of love, there are rarely absolutes.
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I'm curious about something. Well being a girl I know that we like to talk to our female friends about guys we like. So is it the same for guys? Do they talk to their close male friends about girls they like? The reason I"m asking is because they is a guy from work who has a crush on me (who I like back). Well in the last couple of shifts I've noticed that this other guy (who is friends with him) has been staring at me and then looking away when I look at him and his been being alot nicer to me then normal. So I think they have been talking about me. DO you think I'm right? (link)
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Definitely, guys talk to their friends about girls. But the conversations they have aren't generally very deep. Usually, guys talk about girls in terms of how physically attractive they are, how much they want to have sex with them, and how they would look naked; very rarely might you hear a guy speak to his friend about how much he enjoys talking to a girl, how fascinating it is just to spend time with her, and how he can imagine that they might really have a chance at a meaningful relationship.
Not that guys don't think about the deeper things - they just don't talk to their buddies about them. We men tend to be a little more private about those thoughts and feelings.
One of the side effects of guys talking to each other about the girls they like is that sometimes, one of them starts taking notice in a given girl that he might not have paid attention to before. When he's looking at you, he's probably thinking something like, "Wow, she DOES have nice legs. I wonder why I never saw that?"
You haven't actually asked for it, but since this is an advice website, I'm going to offer some unsolicited advice. I suggest you make a move on the guy who has a crush on you, before you have the makings of a triangle on your hand. You really don't want two guys who are friends pursuing you at your workplace; things could get ugly. It might be best all around if you locked in with one of them before the other gets too many ideas.
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im 14/f. my bf and i have been going out for almost 2 years. he is really cute and funny and everyone likes him... including half the girls at our school. he loves to be the center of attention and flirts with girls all the time. i dont like it but ive gotten used to it and i try not to let it bother me. after all, hes going out with me, not them, right? anyway, the problem is, his flirting makes girls think he likes them and they flirt right back. one time he actually cheated on me, and everyone said i should dump him, but he cried and begged me to forgive him and said he really loved me, so i forgave him. now hes started flirting with that same girl a lot again. im pretty sure they really like each other, even though he denies it. he insists that he loves me more than anything in the world and doesnt want to break up. but i cant stand it when he talks to her or when i hear about him flirting with her. agggghhhh!! what should i do? (link)
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There are a few things to keep in mind about guys and what they do in relationships.
Guys like to flirt, and they especially like it when they're good at it; it's an ego rush when they get a response. Guys notice pretty girls, and being in a relationship doesn't turn this off. A guy who stops noticing other girls has also stopped noticing you.
HOWEVER...
What your BF did wasn't just harmless flirting - it was cheating. That's something else entirely. It was good of you to forgive him, but he seems to have taken that forgiveness as an indication that everything has been reset back to the way it was before, and he can just continue his old behaviors.
Wrong, wrong, WRONG.
This girl with whom he cheated is no longer just another girl he's flirting with. Out of respect for you, he should have as little contact with her as possible. You have every right to be upset about it, and to demand that he stop acting flirtatious with her as a price of your continued relationship.
Give him an ultimatum: tell him that he either stops talking to her, or you stop talking to him. He may try to make it sound like you're being unreasonable or too demanding, but the fact is that HE CHEATED ON YOU, and you have reason not to entirely trust him. It is NOT unreasonable for you to ask that he break off all contact with the girl he cheated on you with; if he were considering your feelings as much as he should be, he would have done so of his own accord.
Honestly, I think you probably ought to cut him loose. You've shown quite a lot of patience, and he's shown quite a lot of disregard for your feelings.
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I have some acne scars on my forehead because I have really pale skin. I know that they can be removed via surgery, but that's a big step.
Does anyone know a way in which could help to reduce the redness/depth without surgery? Like a cream or something? (link)
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Vitamin E is said to reduce the prominence of scars, but the jury's still out on how effective it is; and its effect on established scars is negligable. They'd have to be fresh.
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so theres this guy, lets call him "k"
so k and i have been bffs since elementry/middle school. then we went to diff highschools, hes in brooklyn and i go to school uptown, but last year we kept intouch alot. so we were like "fwb's" last year, but then i decided i wanted more, and he decided he didnt, and we kinda lost touch.
so last night he IMs me out of NO where like "OMG ITS BEEN SO LONG I MISS U" and so we were talking and then hes liek "yo for memorial day weekend my parents are going out of town, u should come over...mad beer"
and i was like "YAY PARTY" and he was like "oh uh actually, i was thinking just me and u..."
and i dont know if i should go or not, cause i dont kno if i really want to hook up with him (obv waht he wants) and im like too fat right now and i dont want him to seeme! ugh please help me!
i dont want him to think its like ok for him to just contact me when he wants ass! but i also do want to hook up with him! (link)
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Well, as you say, he wants to and you want to, you've got some history, and the time is ripe. It sounds to me like he's interested in getting something going again and is extending an invitation.
The only fly in the ointment is that you have gone through this before, and it didn't work out. Before you get too deeply into beer and making out, I suggest you find out what exactly is on his mind. Is he looking for more of what you had before, or is he ready to give you the relationship you wanted back then? You could be setting yourself up for heartbreak if you hook up with him and it turns out he's still not ready to commit on the level you want him to. In other words, talk before you make out, and find out if this is about rekindling a relationship or just getting some action.
As far as you feeling too fat, don't stress about it too much. With the relationship you and K have had already, he should be able to look past something so unimportant.
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how come guys think it's 'hot' when 2 girls make out? (link)
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This one's been asked and answered before, by myself and some others:
http://www.advicenators.com/qview.php?q=464216
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ok well im 15/f and my ex bf is 16. WE broke up before my birthday which was april 11th. He called me to wish me a happy birthday and ever since then we have been talking. He asked me what would i say if i we went back out. I told him i would think about it. Well one of his best friends said that lately he has been doing drugs for the past month and stuff. I asked him about it and he said that he does do drugs now and he sells it now too. Well thats just not cool to me but i love him alot i mean hes the one who broke up with me i didnt want to lose him. I dont know wat to do i want to go back out with him but im not sure if thats a good idea?!? i need help thinking of the pros and cons of me going out with him if hes going to do this. Im not sure why he does this i mean he has money he doenst need any im the one that doesnt have hardly any money ever! i just want him to stop doing that shit but he told me that he wasnt and he told me that i shouldnt care because i do that shit too but i dont i told him i dont and i never will. I need HELp! please help me anyone i would like to hear alot of people's opinions and ideas. thanks :]
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If you go out with him, keep the following things in mind:
(1) He's a criminal. Selling drugs is illegal. If he's ever caught, you will be placed under suspicion, and it's even possible that "evidence" may be found on you - a stash that he left in your room when you weren't looking, for instance.
(2) Drugs alter the mind, and depending on what kinds of drugs he is using, they may alter it enough so as to render him untrustworthy and incapable of making good decisions. This is not a quality you want in a boyfriend.
(3) He apparently thinks you're into the drug scene too. You've told him you're not, but he may try to change your mind on that one, either by persuasion or by tricking you into taking his drugs. Either way, bad news.
(4) Drug users hang out with other drug users. Even if you feel you can trust him, does it give you a good feeling knowing that you'll find yourself frequently surrounded by people on drugs? For that matter, do you really want other people to start thinking you're one of them?
The bottom line is that associating with this guy is just a bad idea. You obviously don't approve of what he's doing, and it's pretty unlikely that you're going to change him. Right now, you have the chance to walk away. Take it.
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why do some people judge someone by how they act when they are drunk?
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Being drunk isn't a get-out-of-jail-free card. We are still responsible for our own actions whether drunk or sober, and it is perfectly fair to judge someone partly based on how they act when they've had one too many. If a person can't help behaving badly when they drink, they shouldn't drink.
"I was drunk" is not a good excuse for poor decision-making. One should always be responsible enough not to become so drunk that one can't make good decisions.
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Ok so I went out with this guy named Tyler for 5 months and then i broke up 4 times with Tyler to go out with some jerk. Now he is going out with my ex-best friend and she insists that i said i didn't like him any more. She left me a voicemail that was rubbing her going out with Tyler in my face. I am in love with him and I can't think about anything else. What should i do to get them to break up without Tyler noticing? I LOVE HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!! Thanks in advance. (link)
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I'm afraid that the advice I have for you isn't going to be what you want to hear, but please try to see the value of it.
The fact is, you broke up with Tyler "4 times" in order to date someone else. I'm not sure whether you mean you broke up with him to date four different other jerks, or the same jerk each time - but whatever the case, you've started and ended a relationship with Tyler on four separate occasions.
Now, your ex-best-friend (XBF) is using him as a pawn in the rivalry you've got going on with her, and so in retaliation you want to try to break THEM up.
Hasn't the poor guy suffered enough? Why would you want to treat someone you love like this? He doesn't deserve to be traded around like a commodity. (Incidentally, I can't help but wonder if these new, stronger feelings you have for him are partly BECAUSE he is now dating your XBF.)
The best thing you can do is to leave the situation alone. I know, easier said than done, but it's the truth. Don't try to steal him back and don't try to break up any of his new relationships. If you really want him back, he's going to have to want you back, and if you go around sabotaging his relationships that will NEVER happen.
Has it occurred to you that this might be exactly what your XBF wants you to do? She's probably told Tyler, "Watch out, because she's going to try to break us up just because she's such a vindictive bitch. You wait and see." Anything you do will be playing right into her hands, and it will also be impossible for you to do ANYTHING without his finding out about it - because your XBF has already told him what you'll do. If you can keep your cool, eventually he'll see that she's lying about you.
You may never get Tyler back, and that's got nothing to do with your XBF; it's because you've already dated and broken up with him four times and he's had enough. You'll probably never get a fifth chance no matter what you do, but you'll DEFINITELY never get another chance if you try to ruin his current relationship.
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Ok. There probaly is someone with the same problem, but please dont tell me that. Im kind of in a hurry. My bestfriend is a guy. I hang out with him everyday and he even walks me to work everyday. I like him a lot, more than a friend, but I dont know how to tell him that. His best friend, who is also a really good friend of mine, is already aware of it. I am a 16 yr. old girl. The thing is, lets say he does like me back if i tell him. He is 15. I want to try to see if it works out, but I dont want to take the risk of everything being akward and losing him as a friend completely. All my old guy friends that I went out with ended up not staying friends cause things just got too akward. And plus since I am turning 17 soon, it's kind of a big deal for me. I kind of want to keep it a secret until we know its going to work between us. How can I tell him that if he does like me back? And all his friends are all friends of mine. Its hardly ever I get a crush. Basically guys think of me as one of the guys most of the time. And I am a tomboy. I do skateboard, and have a huge habit of spitting. Im afraid hell see me as that and nothing more. I barely hang out with girls and if I do, it usually ends up bad. I dont know why. Can you help me with that to. Please help me with these problems!! (link)
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You're right, of course - other people do have this problem, though there is one thing that's different about yours, which is that you're older than he is. However, that's only a big deal if you make it one. Sure, it's more usual for the male to be the older one in a relationship, but who cares if you're a little different on that score? (Actually, some people will view it as a little odd, but frankly it's none of their business.)
Relationships that start off as friendships can be the best kind. You already know a little about each other, you know that you have common interests and you can stand being around each other. You also don't have to look for an excuse to get him alone to tell him how you feel, because it happens all the time. Think of your friendship as a head start, not a drawback.
Of course, as you say, there is risk involved. There is a chance he may not feel the same as you, or that he may simply have never thought of you like that before. And yes, if that's the case, it may make things awkward between you. Love always involves risk (and even if you wouldn't define your feelings for him as "Love" just yet, it carries some of the same risks and rewards).
How do you tell if he likes you? There are a couple of different ways, and which one you use depends on the kind of person you are and how you think he'd react. You can...
(1) Just be upfront and tell him. "You know, I consider you my best friend. I don't know if you picked up on this or not, but... lately, I've been feeling like we could be something more than that."
(2) Try a more subtle approach. Tell him that you wish you had a boyfriend, and describe the kind of guy you'd like to date - and in so doing, describe him. See how he reacts to that. You might also say things like, "You're the kind of guy who girls want to date." Compare other guys to him and say why he'd a better catch than they are.
(3) Show off the goods! Guys will be guys, and they like to see pretty girls. Try toning down the tomboy thing for a while - don't stop skating because that's part of who you are, but see if you can cut back on the spitting habit. If you don't wear makeup, start applying a little. If you typically wear guy's clothing, dress like a girl more often. While you're doing this, try standing a little closer to him, giving him casual touches on the hand or arm every so often, and get caught staring at him.
(4) Enlist your other friends to help. They may be enthusiastic about the idea of getting you two together.
That fourth item brings me to another thing you said, which is that you want to keep this a secret. I would strongly advise you NOT to do that, for the following reasons:
(1) He's your friend. You should be able to deal with each other honestly, and keeping a relationship between you a secret is inherently dishonest.
(2) You should not be ashamed of him, and by telling him you want to keep it secret, that's the message you'll be sending.
(3) You won't be able to keep it a secret anyway! These things have a way of getting out.
The bottom line is, he's your friend, and friends are honest with each other. If your feelings for him go beyond friendship, then you should tell him so. There is a risk if you tell him, but there's an even greater risk if you don't, because he's going to hook up with someone eventually and if it's not you, your friendship may not survive that either.
Good luck to you!
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So, my best friend has liked a guy for like.. a year, I think. From what she says, he's nicer to her than his other friend-girls, and he's really funny. The thing is, I know he's pervarded. I dont think he's ever really done anything with anyone, but I'm scared that if my friend gets together with him, he'll try something. I mean,she said that if he did, she'd end it immediatly, but is there a way to change guys like that, or what? He's not the most sensetive kid, so I was just wondering (mainly from the opionion of guys of girls who have dated guys like this) if this is easy to deal with? My friend kinda even feels bad about liking him now.
Hm.. What to do? (link)
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I assume you mean that he is "perverted". Please employ a spellchecker so we can know for certain what you're saying.
In any event, I have to wonder how you come by this information. You say he hasn't ever really done anything, so what do you base your assessment on? Are you sure you're being fair to him?
Also, what exactly do you mean by the word? If you mean that he's a pedophile or something, then by all means avoid him like the plague, but if you mean that he just makes suggestive jokes or something, then he's just a little immature. That being the case, it's certainly possible that he'll change, and if your friend wants to take on that challenge, she can do so.
It seems that you've already told her your concerns and she's accepted them as your opinion. Frankly, that's where your involvement ends; any more and you're officially butting in to things that are not your business. Whether she goes out with him now is her choice; though, if she feels "bad about liking him", I'd recommend she didn't. He doesn't deserve a girlfriend who is going to feel guilty or dirty about dating him.
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Hi Xenolan, I'm coming to you because I really rate your column-ages ago, I remember you as being the only person to respond with any intelligence to a particularly sticky question I had(one about transference, when I thought I was in love with my shrink).
Well, the shrink is now history, and I have another crush-for a wonder, a guy only a few years older than me (I' 23/f and normally fall for much older men). This guy seems nice and sweet, and is always quite flirty, but has never asked me out. He works in a shop in my local area(in fact we met through work, his and mine though we don't work together) and is always inviting me to "drop in the shop"I have done, a couple of times, and he's beeen pretty flirty. To ask or not to ask? I'm pretty immersed in the whole Rules/He's Just Not That Into You culture, but I have a rebellious streak as well. Can a woman ask a man out, and still maintain her respect in the relationship?
Thanks in advance
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First of all, thank you for your kind words. I'm glad to be able to give useful advice!
Now, on to the matter at hand... it is entirely appropriate for a woman to ask a man out. There was a time when it was considered unladylike and unbecoming, but so was wearing pants. That was then and this is now. So by all means, ask him out!
I recommend that you don't ask him out on a date while he's at work. One must maintain a certain decorum on the job, and it might be awkward for him to indulge in personal matters while he's on the clock. HOWEVER - it would be perfectly appropriate to ask him to join you for lunch. Lunch isn't really a date - it's more of a casual thing, a good way to break the ice and test the waters, and there's no worrying over things like when he's going to pick you up, what happens at the end of the evening, and so on. It's also more or less understood that lunch is a "dutch" thing, whereas if you asked him out to dinner, he might be wondering who's supposed to pay.
If lunch goes well, he may ask you out on a real date then and there. If he doesn't, then I suggest you give it a few more lunches, and if things go well, you might suggest that the two of you go on a real date sometime.
On the other hand, you might not. If he doesn't eventually ask you out on his own, it may be that he's just not interested enough. I'm guessing you're not looking for a totally passive guy; he should show SOME initiative if he wants to earn your affections, so to speak.
But give lunch a try. See how it goes.
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Okay... this is going to be long but I REALLY need help. So thanks to anyone who takes this seriously and actually reads it and TRIES to help me.
So there's this boy.
He is SO cute.
He has brown hair, bright blue eyes, muscles... just, the whole enchilada.
Anndd... I have liked him for SOO long.
Since the beginning of this year.
And like, he used to like me but whatever.
Andd... on Valentines day of THIS year, it was 6th period on a Wednesday and I asked the teacher if I could go to the bathroom and so I went and his class is right next to mine. So as I walking back to class, I see AJ [the guy] walking towards me and my heart skips a beat. He is just, TOO cute. And we stopped by the lockers and we were talking or whatever. And he KISSED me. And pretty soon, we were making out and everything was SO great.
He was my first kiss.
I loved it.
And that night, I snuck out for him and got my ass caught and yeahh. Anywaysss...
he told me be liked me and everything. And we were talking about going out.
Well then, there comes BARBIE. She's a wannabe barbie, anyways. Well yeah, she was new to the school and AJ helped her out and now they're going out. wtf. I don't get how he could possibly do that: like me one second and then have a girlfriend the next. Fucking stupid. So anyways, I started liking this kid, Charles. And he liked me a lot and now, he won't talk to me at all for NO reason. And I was all depressed and vulnerable Saturday night [last Saturday night] and AJ started IMing me. [he was sober]
And we were joking around about blowjobs. Like, here's pretty much how the converation went.
AJ: SUCK IT.
ME: haha nahh. I don't feel like it.
AJ: haha well not now nigga.
ME: haha okay.
AJ: maybe tuesday?
ME: i dont know. I may be booked. haha
AJ: mann thats fucked up. haha
ME: haha im kidding.
like, we were joking and stuff and flirting ALOT. And him and his girlfriend were fighting. And he told me that I was prettier and that I would be a better girlfriend. And that she was an ugly whore. And everything. It was like, woah. I couldn't believe it.
So then, that night, he got fucked up on everclear, bars, coke&jack, and bud light. So yeah... I'm surprised he didn't die... seriously.
Anyways,
he was telling me I was beautiful and making me feel really good. And he started asking me to send him pictures of my boobs and I didn't wanna do it. And I didn't but like, I didn't know what to tell him! I was scaredd. 'Cause he's the only guy I;ve ever actually done something sexual with. And then he started asking me to have phone sex and I would finger myself and he would jack off. :/
I thought it was really weird.
'Cause like, I've never fingered myself as weird as they may seem but whatever.
I didn't want to.
And I didn't.
And I told him I liked him and I wanted to do everything to make him happy but I can do that in other ways. And fucking isn't one of them. I could be there for him and make him feel good about himself and just... be a great girlfriend. He's the ONLY guy I wanna be with. Seriously. I can't picture myself with anyone else.
Only him.
I've pictured us together SO many times.
I just want it to happen so bad.
And it never has.
And now, he's completely ignoring me.
And I have no idea why.
And I dont want him mad at me. I wanna at least be friends if not more. But I don't even think he wants to be that.
I mean, he's a major PIMP. He gets ALOT of girls and like, most of them are more than willing to give it up to him. But I'm not. And I think that's part of the reason he's not talking to me.
And I know he's an asshole.
And I've heard a million times how stupid I am for falling for a guy like that. So you don't have to tell me...
I just wish he wasn't like that. Like, I want us to work SO bad. I want to be with him.
He just... i dont know. There's something about him.
I don't know what it is. But anyways, yeah.
I don't know what to do.
I'm not asking for actual advice because seriously, what can you do? I just need some reassuring thoughts. Something to take my mind off everything. SOMETHING. I'll give you credit for even TRYING to help.
Shit, I'll give you credit just for READING it.
haha
I just need SOMETHING.
Thanks guys.
Love yall.
:]
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Well, you're right, you don't need advice. It's clear that you know what you need to do, which is to get over him. Don't offer him any more sexual favors of any kind, and definitely don't send him any naked pictures unless you want them to end up in his scrapbook next to all the other girls who fell for him and lived to regret it (or worse, on the internet).
He's a player, and a swinger. He is NOT interested in any kind of romantic or exclusive relationship with you, I can guarantee you that. He doesn't see you as a girlfriend; he sees you as a challenge. Once he's "conquered" you, you'll be yesterday's news, just like Barbie.
He's ignoring you now because he's given up. Thank your lucky stars! This guy is NOT any kind of good catch, and he will never be the man you want him to be. You offered love and affection, and he turned it down, because that isn't what he wants and it's not what he will ever give you in return.
Don't pursue friendship with him - he doesn't want it. Don't try to form a meaningful relationship with him - he's not interested. Don't cry over him - he won't shed one single tear for you.
I'm sure he can be very suave and charming, and that's what has your imagination working overtime, thinking of how great it would be with this guy. But start considering the reality of what it would be like - do you really think that your affection (which he is unlikely to return) will be enough to make him stop playing the field? Do you think that he'll stop seducing other girls, or that he'll stop drinking heavily, or stop being a PIMP if you're his girlfriend? Forget the fantasy - think about what it would REALLY be like wondering who he's with when he's not with you, what diseases he could be passing on to you, or whether any given night is the one where he'll drink himself into the ER. You really, really don't need those kinds of worries.
You will get over him in time. You will even wonder what you ever saw in this shallow, indecent man-child. A real man will value your love more than your package. You have a great deal to offer; don't waste it on someone incapable of appreciating it.
Oh, one more thing - you are not stupid for falling for him. Sometimes we can't help the way we feel. On the contrary, you are very smart for not letting those feelings get the best of you when your head told you what was right and wrong. He wanted sex, and you said no - there's a point in your favor. He wanted a nude picture of you, and you did the intelligent thing and turned him down. I think that on the whole, you've been rather intelligent about the whole thing. And now, it's time to harden your resolve, and let him go.
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ok this guy likes me but is way too shy
and i like him so much
we are very random and just our complete selfs around eachother and i reallllly like him a lot
we are both on the swim team together
well he wants to go out with me but is too shy to ask
and he told my friend he'd rather have me ask
i just want to know a good way to say it
15/f (link)
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It seems to me that he needs to get over his shyness. I remember feeling much the same way at 15, but part of being ready to date someone is getting up the courage to actually ask them out. That having been said, there's no problem with you asking him out; that role isn't confined to the male gender anymore.
I think he needs to be put on the spot a little bit, though.
The first thing to do is to get him alone, of course, and since you're on a team together that shouldn't be too hard. However, he's nervous enough without having you both half-naked when it happens, so pick a time when you're NOT in swimsuits. The best thing to do would be to corner him coming out of the locker room after a practice, but you have a disadvantage there in that it generally takes girls longer to fix themselves up after swimming, so he'd usually be leaving first. Maybe you can arrange for one of his friends to delay him somehow. Anyway, however you do it, get him alone.
Then, I suggest you say the following:
"My friend was telling me that you might want to go out, and you were hoping I'd ask you?"
He will look nervous, not know what to say, etc. Then you say,
"Well, I'd honestly rather YOU ask ME out... and just so you know, I'm going to say Yes."
At this point, he should ask you out. If he doesn't, then he is WAY too painfully shy to be ready for a dating relationship.
The reason I think this is a good way to go about it is that he needs to be called on going through your friend instead of going to you directly. This approach will give him a minor rebuke for that, while at the same time it will get you both what you want - a date with each other.
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i really like this guy. so lately i've been making more eye contact, and it TOTALLY seems like he's talking to me more! like we've never really talked before, but then one day i was like, "screw this i gotta talk to him" so i just like asked stupid things like can i borrow your pencil or do we have any homework? & it seems like now he's talking to me more. he seems to be making more eye contact. i think he knows that i like him cause like today, i was talking to my teacher about something, and a few other kids were lining up to talk to her and i was just glancing over each of their faces and i stopped at him and like made eye contact and then i quickly turned away. was that a flirt do-do or no-no?! cause i didnt wanna seem NERVOUS but i didn't wanna come on him like white on rice.. like stalking him all of a sudden. what should i do?! should i give it a rest tomorrow or continue what i'm doingg? thanks in advance! sorry it's so long! (link)
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What you're seeing could indeed be signs, but it's all so subtle that it's hard to tell. In any event, I think it's definitely time to turn up the flirting knob a bit and see how he responds.
What you really need here is an opportunity to actually engage him in real conversation, not just sound bytes about borrowing school supplies or commentary about your assignments. Finding that opening can be difficult, however. The best thing to do, if you can, is to somehow meet him in less familiar surroundings.
Right now, I assume you see each other only in school. Is there some activity he's involved in that you could somehow be a part of? The easiest thing is if he plays on a sports team - you can just start going to his games. If you overhear him saying that he's meeting friends at a local mall or Taco Bell or something, see if you can manage to be there too. Remember, stalking is UNWANTED attention; otherwise, it's flirting, and "coincidentally" showing up in the same place as the object of your affection is all part of the game of love!
But remember, just Being There isn't enough; you have to make an actual move, or it DOES start to seem like stalking. When you do find him somewhere outside of school, go up to him, say Hi, and try not to leave it at that! Take your conversational cues from your surroundings; if you're at the Mall, ask casually what brings him there. If you're at a movie theater, ask him what he's seeing (what a coincidence, you're there to see the same movie!).
What happens next depends on how he responds to that. If you begin to notice him looking at you more often and more intently, or if he starts acting nervous-in-a-good-way around you, going out of his way to be near you, etc. - then you've got him hooked and you can start reeling him in!
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