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to ask or not to ask? (a post-Rules world)
Hi Xenolan, I'm coming to you because I really rate your column-ages ago, I remember you as being the only person to respond with any intelligence to a particularly sticky question I had(one about transference, when I thought I was in love with my shrink).
Well, the shrink is now history, and I have another crush-for a wonder, a guy only a few years older than me (I' 23/f and normally fall for much older men). This guy seems nice and sweet, and is always quite flirty, but has never asked me out. He works in a shop in my local area(in fact we met through work, his and mine though we don't work together) and is always inviting me to "drop in the shop"I have done, a couple of times, and he's beeen pretty flirty. To ask or not to ask? I'm pretty immersed in the whole Rules/He's Just Not That Into You culture, but I have a rebellious streak as well. Can a woman ask a man out, and still maintain her respect in the relationship?
Thanks in advance
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Maybe give some free advice about: Love Life?
First of all, thank you for your kind words. I'm glad to be able to give useful advice!
Now, on to the matter at hand... it is entirely appropriate for a woman to ask a man out. There was a time when it was considered unladylike and unbecoming, but so was wearing pants. That was then and this is now. So by all means, ask him out!
I recommend that you don't ask him out on a date while he's at work. One must maintain a certain decorum on the job, and it might be awkward for him to indulge in personal matters while he's on the clock. HOWEVER - it would be perfectly appropriate to ask him to join you for lunch. Lunch isn't really a date - it's more of a casual thing, a good way to break the ice and test the waters, and there's no worrying over things like when he's going to pick you up, what happens at the end of the evening, and so on. It's also more or less understood that lunch is a "dutch" thing, whereas if you asked him out to dinner, he might be wondering who's supposed to pay.
If lunch goes well, he may ask you out on a real date then and there. If he doesn't, then I suggest you give it a few more lunches, and if things go well, you might suggest that the two of you go on a real date sometime.
On the other hand, you might not. If he doesn't eventually ask you out on his own, it may be that he's just not interested enough. I'm guessing you're not looking for a totally passive guy; he should show SOME initiative if he wants to earn your affections, so to speak.
But give lunch a try. See how it goes.
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