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Life is an adventure but Life doesn't come with user manuals for everything. School subjects do little to prepare us. Its no wonder we all need helpful advice sometimes. Blessings to you!
advice
20/M
I'm a pretty social person. In the sens I feel comfortable with people and with large groups.
However something frets me a bit. I don't like going out. Oftentime when I go out I'm just thinking how much I'd like to be home where I do everything I want to and daydream as much as I want.
And this is pretty confusing because this is not by spending your days home you live life right ? You end up getting stuck in a rut maybe ?
And I've been trying to force myself to stay a bit longer each time. But I generally end up feeling burned out even more. And just like I don't fit in and that it's just not for me. From the outside nobody sees that of course but this can be pretty draining.
Do you think I should try even harder and that there is some kind of breaking point I'm gonna pass ? Or should I do how I feel and stop trying so hard ?
English is not my first langage btw sry if there are some mistakes
Couldnt tell it wasn't your first language since you wrote clearly and well. I get lots of questions that are jumbled and unclear so no worry there.
I have studied the basics of 4 personality types from which the more extensive lists of Myer Briggs 16 types have also been taught. So I can see some basics with you being social and at same time not like going out that make it confusing. I may be wrong but your unique personality may be at the core of what you feel. The social types are two, one being very outgoing and called a Promoter. The second one is called a Supporter. I took a weekend class where the teacher split the room into 4 sections, described the basic traits and since I am social, I went to promoter circle only to find when the others shared that they were more comfortable and got energized by being with others like them, very bouncy, full of energy, excited and outgoing. This was not me, at that time, which was almost 40 yrs ago. It was a bit overwhelming for me so I checked out the others and although these people were also outgoing and friendly, they were more subdued and quieter. The type of people here who would not necessarily make the first move or say the first thing but enjoy the company of the others. It may be you are the Supporter type wheres Promoters are needed to get the group conversation started sometimes, you may be in a group of almost all Promoter types. It is easy to be drawn to want to be with them but they can burn you out fast if you are not just like them. In the years to come, I changed and became the Promoter. Not all people change. So don't be hard on yourself. In case you wonder, the other two groups were the smallest, the Controllers who basically can't stand the quieter Supporters. Lastly the Analyzers who are the quiet type, book worm types, and loners who are introverted. You will only stress yourself by trying to change your personality. Learn to accept who you are and start studying the personalities of those around you. Search out and try friendships with more social but quieter supporter types and this may help. If not, there's always the counselor route.
Recently, I overheard my parents talking about saving money for me and my brothers college tuitions, and about how we should stop spending money on unnecessary things like clothing, and entertainment (amusement parks, going to the swimming pool, etc.). During this summer break, I got to see all my friends go on expensive vacations, while I’m not going anywhere. Also, I’ve been asking my mom for a very long time if she can please buy me some new clothes for the summer, like shorts and tank tops. And I also need new strings for my violin, which can also be expensive. I don’t know what to do, so please help!
The other two advice givers said all. I agree with what they said. All a parent needs to legally do in raising you is provide a roof over your head, the food you eat and the clothes you wear. However, when money coming in is tight, sometimes even providing these basics are hard. I grew up in such a family. Dad worked two jobs and when we were teens, mom went to work. They still could barely make ends meet. So I began to work, summers where my Dad worked and also did enough babysitting to buy all my own clothes, buy my sister a new ten speed bike because the parents were only able to save up enough for 3 of us 4 kids. I basically could save up and buy whatever I wanted. So I highly suggest you start working. If not old enough for a regular job, there is money still to be made, walking dogs for neighbors or even better, if you can easily use cell phones, there are plenty of older people who have one but don't know how to use them other than a phone call. And when the wrong button is pushed and it gets stuck, I have to call my grown kids to help me. A teen could make great money but introducing themselves to elderly neighbors and asking if they need any help with cell phone, tablet or computer, to call you and give them your name and number. Better yet, make a magnet with your contact info that can go on their fridge so they don't misplace it. I wish I had a neighbor teen to do the very same for me.
I'm actually Solidadvice4teens. I had to create a new account after suffering a massive system crash where my Mac operating system had to be reinstalled and downgraded because it couldn't handle Big Sur. I was on a Zoom meeting and it just melt down in a major way.
I lost all of my saved documents and passwords in the process. I have no idea what email address I used back in 2006 when I first registered or the password to get into that and for the log in here. Is there any way to prove who I am or merge the two accounts? I'm not sure what to do there.
The one to ask would be the creator of this site, Danger Nerd. Try writing directly to him. I think he's real busy and may not see the post right away but you'll get a response. Good to have you back.
28/f, 32/M
My boyfriend has a dog and like other dogs, she’s afraid of fireworks. She would have panic attacks and sit at your head for 30 minutes. Fireworks has been happening in his neighborhood everyday since I’ve met him and based on my past experiences with other dogs and have taken care of other dogs myself, I said “have you thought about those thunder vests? I’ve heard great things about them. You should give it a try.” And he’s said, “maybe.” When I stayed at his house for a month, even his mom said that when his dog freaks out about fireworks, putting pressure on her helps significantly. So I told him once again to look into it. And even after I left (it’s long distance relationship), I kept watching her have anxiety attacks on FaceTime and I started bringing it up more frequently and he told me because I keep pushing it on him which is why he keeps shutting it down and he doesn’t like it when people tell him how to take care of his dog and he doesn’t think it’ll work. And I was like “??? I keep bringing it up because your dog is having panic attacks. And how would you know it wouldn’t work unless you try it? You can always just try it and then return it. And yeah it might be a hassle to put it on her but you do what you need to do to keep your dog comfortable. And I would back off if you have logical reasonings to why you don’t want to try it like if you’ve tried it before, but instead you just say you don’t THINK it’ll work. And I feel like that’s not a good enough reason.” And he said “well I think I’m doing a great job with her.” I responded “you are doing a great job with zoey but I just think if you could find a solution to her panic attacks, wouldn’t you want to at least try out your options??” He rolled his eyes, looked annoyed, and said he’ll buy the vest tomorrow and her a dog bed (this is a different issue. I said having her own space and her own bed would help with separation anxiety).
I don’t know why but the fact that I had to bring it up for over a month just to get her a thunder vest or a pressure vest seems like a red flag to me?? Like it’s a predictor to his behavior in the future? I’m not 100% sure why. Or am I just overreacting or overthinking the situation. And did I even have the right to even mention anything about his dog?
I don't know the area in the country so I can't speak for the laws there but as far as I know, fireworks can't even be bought until a couple days before July 4th and leftovers used New Years. But because of fire hazard, its been illegal to use any time or all the time. So my guess is his neighbors are making their own illegally. When I was a kid, we knew the next door teen boy made his own in their garage but he didn't set them off til the holiday. So if the laws are such that you can't call police to put a stop to it, and moving to a better neighborhood is out of the question, then yes, there should be more concern to do what is best for the dog. She's already been so traumatized by the booms every day, that if pets can have PTSD, then its a possibility. Even vets who at war heard booms, and saw flashes of light, even understanding the situation while dogs can not, come home with some form of PTSD, or if fairly normal, at least will react to any flashes of light and sharp loud sounds because their body was trained by circumstances to react by being extra vigilant and being extra careful to not be shot. I know of a vet walking with his wife who heard the sharp sound of a car backfiring and it took him only a second to drop immediately to the sidewalk, a self protective move, to make yourself less of a target. So the dog can't even be a good candidate for finding a new owner who lives elsewhere because you can't predict what living with these sounds daily has done to the dog.
Now the boyfriend is not showing a care for the best welfare possible for an animal. That is a good indicator that male is not going to care about any other human, even basic decencies, if he can't even worry or be concerned for his pet. I know that might sound like I am stretching my imagination too far but I am grandma aged, and have lived enough and experiences and seen enough to know that people who care about others and the world and their environment are usually people who love animals, either volunteer a little to help their community, or are consistently acting in caring loving manner, without having to be asked. When I met my 2nd husband, he was all but the volunteering which we both do now at a soup kitchen deal. Since boyfriends can turn into a life long partner, married or not, I do believe you were right to say something, doing so shows you are one of the good caring people. It is not overreacting or overthinking here because animals can't speak for themselves and rely on good people reaching out to help them. If you are thinking long term that you might want to be with this guy, then you would be part of the picture eventually and you have a right to know exactly what kind of male and guy is whom you may wish to have for a partner and seriously, this is a red flag to me. Perhaps he is depressed or going through some tough times where he is typically in survival mode only for himself and figures all other people and animals just have to fend for themselves. This or some other such issues may have him acting this way. But it sounds like a problem person to me if you add him not wanting to take any suggestions from someone else on how to handle his dog. Those closed off to accepting advice and suggestions, sound like my ex who had some mental issues besides being abusive and yet told others I was the one with problems. So convinced that he was perfectly fine and didn't need help, he only went twice to see a psychologist when a retired counselor friend told him he really needed to go or he might lose his marriage. Well, he quit trying to get help cus he insisted he didn't need it, so I left him. I don't want you to go through all that, so hon, all you can do is be extra careful and watchful as you have been doing. It will help a long way in avoiding being with a guy who has a mean-ness streak, or is uncaring, controlling and so on. Don't ever stop that and I hope you will at some point realize its not best to stay with him. Don't make exuse for him as I did with my ex. my new husband doesn't mess up, is caring and treats me well. He cares if he inadvertently says or does something that bothers me or makes me cry. He is willing to hear what it is and that has happened once and he has never done it again. People are able to make good choices if they want to if its very important to them. He loves me so much it WAS important to him and he never forgot even once to never do it again. I actually have a document I send out to those interested to help in screening out the right kind of guy for yourself. someone else told me about it and I put the info into a saved document so I can share the info. Its what helped me find my 2nd husband through a dating site even, but we did not waste time on line, but met in person to see if we felt chemistry. So if interested at any point in reading this, How to find Mr. Right, you can request it by going to 'search advice columnists, look for me, dragonflymagic and from my column write to me, otherwise I can not respond to you from anywhere else. I wish you the best.
He'll ooo!!
My names Amy I'm 12 years old and I thought I had just ended my period yesterday so today I tried fingering myself and I went to the restroom to use the bathroom and wash my hand but while using the bathroom I started bleeding is that normal or was i still on my period? I need an answer!
When females start a period, at first it can be erratic, meaning not following a schedule and It was still doing so when I was 14, skipping a month, two in one month and so on. So if you thought it was over, it may have been taking its time. Fingering yourself or even using dildos, will not hurt you in some way where you bleed, fingering won't restart a period, its not a problem. So it was likely not over. Now I can't say other women have the same results but when you are much older and have a sex partner, if they are okay with and not grossed out having sex while you are on a period, I have found that when having sex, the flow actually stops during the time of having sex and will restart an hour or two after but it was never on my heaviest day.
I turned 16 a few months ago, and even before then I have obsessed over the moment when I could start looking for a job. I’ve had a few that I’ve considered since then but now that I can actually start applying I can’t seem to figure out which ones I have an actual shot at. I say this because I’ve only considered jobs that aren’t in my small town, this is a slight problem for me because the one person that I recently started to believe I will I have to depend on for transportation seems to expect me to only consider jobs in my small town. These job options are very limited, some most likely don’t have good pay, flexible hours, don’t hire people my age and or I wouldn’t be comfortable in the work environment(I get anxiety and don’t want to choose a work option just because it’s convenient). As a result, I feel stagnant and stuck because I feel like I can’t venture out to the options that I am most comfortable with pursuing, and I feel held back because the person that I would look to for transportation also hasn’t looked at job opportunities outside of our small town when they easily could because they have the transportation while I don’t😕. What should I do?
It is an unwise move to trust one person for a ride to a job no matter where it is. Heres a list of what could go wrong. Your friend is sick so you miss a day of work, their car breaks down, needs repair and you miss work during the repair time or worse, a longer period of their needing to get enough money together to get the repair, the friend gets switched to another town for a job and its out of the way to take you. I am assuming there is no bus services from small town to small town. So that really leaves you only the choice to save up for your own car because once you have a car, you have transportation to whatever job you want to take, where ever. Oh, yes, I haven't forgotten the anxiety. I had (yes past tense) had social anxiety very bad when a kid and teen. I do not have it now. No it didn't go away on its own and no, there was no medication for that when I was your age. I realized that having anxiety was going to cripple my adult life and make things very hard for me if I didn't learn to get over it. I prayed and followed what I believe I heard in prayer time to do. It worked, I was cured! Decades later, I picked up a book at the library by a psychologist, out of curiosity. What he mentions as a way to get over anxiety was exactly what I had done. So eerily the same it gave me goosebumps. My suggestion to you is to work on your anxiety now, also while taking a local job teens would do, save up all your money and have Dad help you once ready to search for your first car. It shouldn't be the newest hot looking deal because that comes with more expensive insurance and tabs. You can work your way up to a nicer car in the future. All you need is reliable for now. In two years you are considered an adult but still have much to learn and experience. Don't make decisions without bouncing your idea's off other adults older than you to collect their advice, using them as sounding boards while taking all the viewpoints and info and still making your own decision, albeit the most informed decision you can make and hopefully the best. I know this may sound like an up hill battle to you. I got over my anxiety in about a month or two but didn't need longer. I applied myself to each step, scared at first but once comfortable with a small step, I moved on to the next step, each always a bit more involved in what I had to do and I did these things daily and that was in my senior yr at HS. Its Summer now so if you want to lose the anxiety, that can happen by end of summer and you'll be ready to pick any local job and work hard toward getting your own car. The getting your license part, will be easier if over the anxiety and you can save for your car now even before having a license.
If you would like me to send you a document on how I went through getting rid of my anxiety, I'd be glad to paste it in for you. You only need reply straight to me by going to 'search for columnists' look for Dragonfly magic as that's me, and choose the button to post a message and only I will get it, and will send this info to you. If you write this request where you can rate me, I can not respond. This program doesn't tell me anything about you and there are no links for me to be able to generate an answer or send anything unless you make contact first .
Someone told me: “Some things come to you easier than they come to others...and few will fully understand this without judgment/jealousy/envy.” What do they mean by this? Why would a person think that things come easily for me?
Yes, it could be envy or jealousy. Jealousy however is a fear of losing something. Someone promoted on the job when you weren't and you can fear that you are no longer liked by the boss and in danger of losing your job, if you let your thoughts run away like that. Envy is not a fear but a wish you could do the same, especially if its a talent. When things come easy....I see that all the time in life, I have seen it as someone having a natural talent where what they try, they are instantly good at, or as in privileges, such as level of wealth and no worry about bills and able to travel places others can't. I have a daughter who taught herself to play piano on Grandma's old electric keyboard given to us. She took flute in school but soon found she could pick up any woodwind instrument and play it within a short time with no lessons. She is still like that as an adult. At a fair, she asked if she could try the didgeridoo. The seller told her it was very difficult for a newbie to play. But he let her trying and was shocked when she produced the right sounds instantly. That is what I consider to be something that comes easy to a person. Me, I have to try so hard just to play basic chords on my guitar, forget finger picking or bar chords, they are so hard for me. I had to take slow learners algebra in HS which was thrown together last minute to switch an entire 30 students who were not getting it in math. I still struggled, so I am amazed how some people take to math like a fish takes to water. The deal is to not focus on what you can't do well but discover what it is you do have a talent for. So I have a few talents, not stuff the world would rave about but talents non the less. I can harmonize to any song within no time, I am creative, artsy, and funny, making people laugh all the time.
I'm a good person with a big heart, a free spirit and I'm beautiful but never thought so in the past.. I've had an inferiority complex most of my life. I'm very independent, a trend setter and never acted my age. All throughout my life I've been spoken to and/or treated mean and I'm a sensitive, cry at the drop of a pin girl. Why do people do that?
I must be odd because your question, I saw as possibly applying to two things and I really don't know which. Why do people do that is right after 1. Crying at the drop of a pin 2. All throughout my life I've been spoken to and/or treated mean and both in the same sentence. So now I must answer both just in case. Actually there isn't a good reason why, it just is that way, people who are sensitive I mean. My younger sister and my middle child are both that way. My personal opinion since I have seen it in family and also see myself becoming more sensitive is that those who cry easily tend to be more mature souls and so their heart cares more about peace, love, equality, caring for all living things. The good news is a person can become more sensitive. My grandma used to fly in from another country to spend the summer visiting. Everytime she had to fly home, my whole family, parents included, would cry and cry and I wasn't sad. I knew she'd be back next summer so I didn't see the need to cry. Now I will cry over things that weren't even done to me or experienced by me like the news of the attack on the Capitol this year, had me crying. When I find myself crying, I know it is something I need to pray about. YOu might try that. you can't change others but you can change your response. I am not saying to try to stop crying, just use that as an indicator that there is something to pray about.
I used to have social anxiety as a child and young teen. So I know what its like to have someone treat me mean, or say mean things. I also know that in being so quiet and different, kids didn't know what to do about it and tended to either ignore me or pick on me. I did have a handful of friends but they were true friends so I didnt need more.
Regarding why others can treat someone unkindly, it is a learned thing actually. There is a famous u tube video of two little boys who wanted to dress the same for twin day because they thought they looked like twins when one is white and one is black. They were best friends. I was in middle school when there was forced desegregation, meaning black kids were forced to attend a dominantly white school that was not in their neighborhood. Their parents were mad as I would be if my kids were in a school far away. They should have be allowed to go closer to home. As a result, the kids watched how angry their parents were and many of us became targets of those angry bused children. My parents had friends from every country and I grew up with more international 'aunts and uncles' as we were told to call them for politeness, than most kids ever had in blood aunts and uncles. I met black people and knew of a mixed race couple my parents were friends with. As a result, I grew up loving all people and was able to pass that on to my kids. If a person learns the wrong way on something by copying their parents, then it is on them to correct that when they are old enough to understand. Some people have that age of reasoning already as a pre teen while others may not get it until closer to their 30s. And another contributor to bad decisions is that everyone has the issue of the frontal lobe of brain not being mature and done until mid twenties. Before then, people tend to make bad decisions including how to treat others. Many do grow up some and change during their later twenties and others are lazy and have their bad behavior set by then and do not care to change or become a better person, and often do not believe there is anything wrong with them, like an ex of mine. I do remember a talk I had with my youngest when her Dad, (the bad ex) had acted like a child instead of an adult, humiliating her also and she was sobbing hard. I told her what I want you to hear too. I told her first that I was sorry that her Dad had acted that way, that sometimes we are going to come up against unreasonable mean people in our adult lives. Having one who is part of the family or close in other ways, means you have the opportunity to learn to not let their mean-ness bother you, you get the chances to become stronger and better in your own character. He refused counseling so I divorced him. Remember, everyone has a free will to do good or do bad. You can pray for them to see the light someday but other than that, choose wisely your friends and those close to you so they treat you only good. The others who treat you badly, are not worth your time or association with. But you still will get a nasty human in line behind you saying, "Hurry up idiot", "I don't want to hear what you have to say, shut up! Get out of my face!" Yes, words can hurt if you take them into yourself and keep mulling over the event. The best you can do is to be done at the moment it happens and it has to do with your thoughts. You immediately counter theirj unfair attack with the truth you know about yourself. Example: Someone laughs at me and says I'm ugly, or common today... You're a racist. Instead of focusing on their very wrong and meant to be hurtful words, I know they have not matured as a person no matter their age, they are not trying to improve themselves daily even a little bit and probably are that way because they had bad home life growing up. I discredit their words the moment they come out of their mouth. But discrediting and any thoughts must remain unspoken, you are doing this for you, not for them. All you can do for them is pray that their angels or God, gets through their thick skull and are allowed to help them make better choices.
Right now, I’m working full time and I have built my savings up and I do have extra money to invest. I know little about investing. I was thinking about investing in stock but I have so many questions like should I talk to a professional or should I research on my own and invest. How much do I invest? I don’t know where to start.
Also, I’m debt free and my credit score is fair. How can I raise it?
I wouldn't dare give answers on this subject as it is something for a financial advisor who will be more up to date on what wasn't working for investments and what is. It can't hurt to do any reading on it. Just be sure that you don't get excited about reading on a topic and going off, putting way too much trust in focusing only on one thing cus its sounds good.
I know this sounds really ridiculous but when I was pooping earlier, it had a really strong smell that smelled like weed and I have no idea why- I’ve never smoked weed or experimented with it in my life- I hate drug culture personally (the only reason I know what it smells like is because certain people in my life have used it before) so I wonder why that odor has gotten to my poop, despite me having never used marijuana of any kind before. I’m a 17 year old male if that helps.
I went looking on internet and someone asked same question, but they were a user of weed. Question answered by a Doctor. Here's link:
https://www.healthcaremagic.com/premiumquestions/Can-smell-of-Marijuana-emit-from-skin/141107
Since you don't use, it could be something else you smell. My nose picks up some scents as stuff other than what it really is. Like the scent of cooking rice can have two scents at same time, like rice and also like baby poop for me. Popcorn also smells like sweat to me combined with popcorn scent. So the amount you may inhale being around someone who is smoking weed, should be too little to affect the smell of your sweat or anything else. There is something in this world that your nose picks up as the scent of weed. So if you want to know, pay attention to every detail next time you smell it. If only smelled in bathroom, perhaps its a cleaner for bathroom that has that effect in your smelling, your own sweat, a food you recently ate, and so on. Once you know what is really the source of the scent, you can relax, knowing what it really is.
Hi there..
i contacted you before ..
I need some advice i hope you can help me, i'm with this guy we're been together for almost 10 months now, everything was good in the beginning as it should be, we started to live together after 2 month of dating maybe it was soon i don't know.. we use to work together in my family's business, when my family knew about him they terminated him in a cause of that he's not suitable for the family, he's different from our culture background, they want me to settle with someone from our people, of course i didn't listen to them and i gave them my resignation and for almost 2 month now we're unemployed, well he got a job but still didn't start, he will soon.
Since then we started to fight alot and i got so jealous of everything, i can't help it, i started to dig more and more to his past, he's ex contacted him alot of things happened since then, i feel insecure and unstable with him, i'm looking to these past conversations pictures and it's like he gave so much than he's giving to me, he's was so committed to everyone from the past, he's neglecting me i don't feel i matter anymore..
in every fight my only words are it's over im leaving you.. i know it's not right but i don't feel ok at all, he's not the same person anymore, i know he's not doing anything wrong but i don't know what's in his mind because he's not sharing, he's against the idea of sharing from the past i agree but i know nothing about his pervious relationships nothing at all.. and that only gives me the option to compare, i don't usually do that, that's not me,, i'm afraid my situation will be much worse if i continue the way, my family wants me back to work but that would be wrong to him.
It's like i don't have a story what happened in his past and i create this story and i believe in that story, i told him that you should tell me at least what happened so i don't think about my story, he found that really amusing and nonsense .
Now all i'm thinking is going away, some other country to pull myself together and stay a bit far from everything im just tired of everything, those things and my family's pressure on the other.. it's like im between them and no one has a clue what im going through ..
i need some professional advice, i hope you can help me.
You are right looking in hindsight and realizing that 2 months was not enough time before choosing to live together. After a divorce, I was dating, looking for a boyfriend. I did not want to repeat and get someone abusive like my ex. I had learned to wait long enough to see which way the guy is consistent in, either consistently bad or consistently good. I also looked for just one deed done to give up on a guy. You are putting up with way more than one. The idea here is that people are like cracked clay pots. No one is perfect but there can be toxic traits stored inside a person. Most people put their best foot forward and put up a false facade, basically trying to fake you out as to who they really are. Eventually, trying to keep the act going which takes too much personal energy,just falls apart and one really bad trait slips out. I learned from living with my ex, that the first one is never a fluke or mistake, its a sign that there is more of it just waiting to come out of that pot, or person.
Another truth is that you can not change another person. Each of us has their own will to continue to live a not so good path, or a better one. So if there is nothing you can say or do that will change him into the perfect person for you, all you can do is work on yourself, change your self, the path you're on, what you say and do.
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The idea is to find someone who is already right for you from the beginning. And to find out, you don't move in together early, just spend lots of time in each others presence, so you can see what he is like when stressed, tired, etc, not just the good days. My new husband when stressed or tired doesn't let it out on me and yell or belittle me as my ex did. There are still a few good guys out there. I had to be patient and wait for him. However, I had to leave the ex, divorce, and also start dating a guy like him who was even better at hiding his true self and was able to fake me out for 5 months and that is when I dropped him. It sure sounds to me like you are trying to hard to make the wrong person work for you. In trying so hard, you being a smart person, simply didn't think everything out. Both being jobless at same time is extremely stressful on a relationship. It happened to my ex and me once. I was laid off, budget cuts, and something told me to wait on telling him. Then a few days later, he told me he had just been laid off, same reasons. So I know how stressful it can be, so much it can take a good relationship and break it. Or take a bad relationship and make it way worse than it ever was.
I don't understand your reasoning on this statement: my family wants me back to work but that would be wrong to him. How is that a wrong deed against him, just because he was fired? While the reasons of why the family let him go may not be fair, that happens every day to someone in the world. I can understand if you don't want to work for your family with their attitude. But it is possible that they can become a temporary safety net, giving you an income while you save up and look for another job. However you have to decide if you will stay with the bf or leave. When we don't leave, its because there is something we need to learn yet. Once learned, we will move on to what ever better things life has for us. Wishing you the best.
You were very helpful
Just to say, we've already said love you to each other and text each other every day.
We are now in a different high school to each other and may never see the other half again
How can I tell if I'm still his spouse or he's in love with another girl??
A spouse means you are legally married. So my guess is you meant girl friend. The sad truth of a long distance relationship (LDR) is that even keeping in touch via the internet or phone calls/texting is not the same as being there for real. You will never feel the hand holding, hugs and kisses of whomever you talk to on line. If you both drive perhaps you can visit each other on weekends once in a while. But whatever you both do or how you feel for each other if he has feelings will pale in comparison to any live attention from another guy for you and another girl for him. There is too much that can easily be hidden from you on line so whatever he says, you can't really know if he is seeing some one else besides keeping up on line with you. It is too easy for a person to say what the other wants to hear knowing they can't be there in person to watch you and see if you are consistent. High school is usually a first love and can be real. Although love at that age can become marriage partners and last life long, it is the exception rather than the rule meaning it does not happen very often. There is a lot of maturing I did from High school through my twenties and I suppose the same would go for both of you. Often what captured our attention as teens will not be the same as young adults. So just enjoy what you can of the friendship long distance and don't worry where it is going right now.
Hi,
My husband and I are very happily married. One thing that's surprised me though is our different libidos. When we first started having sex, we were about evenly matched for the first year- we basically did it whenever we were able.
Now though, I (the wife) am finding that my drive is much higher than my husband's. I want to do it about once per day, while my husband wants to do it once every 1-2 weeks. I've heard that most couples are reversed, with the guy usually having the higher drive.
There are many days when I feel frustrated and undesirable. But when I ask my husband to have sex more than once a week but he gets really tired and I feel guilty afterwards. What can I do to reduce my frustration?
Hi hon. I am one of those women like you. In my first marriage, I had the higher libido and husband was okay with once every 1-2 weeks. You just don't hear it because its a subject most people are embarrassed to discuss.
In my case, the husbands verbal answer was always that he had to work the next day so if he was in the mood it was only a Friday or Saturday night.
While there could be something wrong with his libido, other than your first year together, sounds like his libido was lower always and that may be normal with nothing wrong. It is a fact that people can have differing wants and needs for sex, That once in two weeks actually satisfies them while the partner craves more. So you're wondering why for one year there was no problem. I would contribute that to NRE, New relationship energy which is a heightened feeling of excitement, the same you felt as a child hoping that what you wanted was in the gift you were opening and when you got what you wanted, you just couldn't put the toy down for long, you had to have more time playing with it. And so it is in relationships. If people are going only by this feeling when dating, they may think they are perfectly matched when in reality, NRE eventually fades away and you are left with what is the true reality for you as a couple.
Sadly, other than a sex partner on the side, approved of by your husband, like an open marriage, the only thing you can do is use toys to get your orgasms. I will add that you didn't specifically say that the husband says something abut it to you when you ask for more than once a week. its all about what you are seeing or think you are seeing, that he gets tired. If waiting til normal bedtime, yes it can go late and then people are tired the next morning. If bedtime can be planned for earlier to allow for 'play time', then perhaps that will help. You also say you felt guilty. There should be no guilt over needing and wanting sex with your partner. I suppose you are much like us, where we care so much about how the other feels that we hold stuff for partner as more important than ourselves. While good for the partner, its not as good for you. Other than using toys, you don't have much option. If the two of you are willing, you could always find a sex therapist to talk to and perhaps get some helpful information from. Wishing you the best.
I want to cry, I had enough! I’ve been living on my own for almost 2 1/2 years since graduating college. I’ve worked hard to get to where I’m at. In college, I had a high GPA and my goals have always been to better myself both mentally, financially, and spiritually. This has been a long journey and I’ve been to therapy and plan to go back. But I’m triggered by my current living situation. I live in an area that is known as a nice neighborhood but the last two people in my building have been disrupting my peace. One of the guy is across from me in my bedroom and he used to allow his alarm to go off at 4:00AM in the morning and he would have his tv loud. Nevertheless, I started sleeping in my living room. I did tell the property manager several time and he did stop with the alarm but then he started having his tv loud.
Then, I got new neighbors next door to me. I stopped sleeping in my living room because they are talking loud all night. Now, I’m back in my bedroom with a white noise machine.
But the neighbors in my living are talking loud when I’m working it only last 15 minutes today. I’m documenting it.
I just get emotional about self like this because I’m doing everything right. I go to work, have a small group of friend, no man drama, but I’m having issues with people I don’t even know. I also feel unprotected like who has my back. I’m not saying my friends and family don’t but sometimes I wish I lived with someone that could address issues since I’m not confrontational.
Just wanted to get things off my chest
You have simply been unlucky to get neighbors who are noisy. I assume previous tenants were quiet. If so, make sure your manager knows you had no problem with previous neighbors, that the new ones are truly much noisier. You may want to point out this fact so they take you seriously and don't feel you are just a complainer.
I tend to make it a point to meet all my neighbors including new ones just moving in. I don't become best friends but do so to get on a talking basis first. That way you get a feel for your noisy neighbors, and can see if they are a-holes or nice people. The a=holes you leave for manager to handle and the nice ones, you ask if they can hear a lot of noise from neighbors including you. Mention the walls must be thin because you can hear them. Keep a smile on your face and mention that In fact even their conversations late at night have interrupted your sleep. Then say that you wonder if there is any easy solution you and they could come up with. Maybe they can be conscious of where they hold a conversation and do so away from the wall that is shared by your apt. I knew all my neighbors by name and would greet them whenever I saw them. This helped with being able to approach a neighbor later if need be and it actually helped us when we had to move out a heavy old couch that was too heavy for me to help hubby with. Hubby had never met the neighbors. I was glad I had cus i knew the guy of the couple next door and asked for his help moving the couch out and he dropped everything to come help right that moment. You never know how this could help youl in the future. This is a opportunity for you to learn some skill in conversing with people so you won't feel so confrontational when having to share something not so nice. All people shut down and can get upset when someone points out something they are doing wrong. So the best way is to talk to them as if telling your very best friend about something she started doing that is bothering you....you do so without laying the blame at their feet. Here is where I will make up things so others feel more comfortable like they can relate to me. I say, I know its an older building with not enough insulation so walls transfer sound easily. So sometimes, even I have seemed noisy to neighbors. Maybe if we know each others routines, we can help each other to avoid even a reasonable amount of normal noise to not bother each other. Do what you can this way first and if it doesn't work, you might ask manager to let you move to the next available apt with quiet neighbors. Be sure to try for an apt at an end of the building so you only share one wall.
When I was 16, I met E. E was around 24 when I met him. E was my coworker at the time, and we seemed to hit it off. We became very good friends. We would joke around with each other a lot, and a bunch of that joking was inappropriate jokes. I didn't think too much of it at the time since my humor was a bit immatur too. We would send each other porn as well. At first, it was just funny stuff that neither of us found arousing, but then it got to actual stuff that we both liked. At this time, I knew he had a gf. I also had a little crush in him at the time, bit it does pretty fast after I found that out, and was happy just being friends.
Fast forward to age 17. He invites me over to his house for the first time, and we decide to play truth or dare. That's when everything started to get out of control. It ended with me and him almost nude and masturbating in front of each other. After a few minutes of that, I have a panic attack and start crying. He ends things and tries to reassure me that it's okay since him and his gf have a look no touch policy.
Again, fast forward to 18. At 18, a bunch of things happen. We take it to the next level, and we have full on intercourse, as well as other explicit things. I start to really catch feels for him. I confess to him, and he says he doesn't feel that same. He tells me that he only used the sex as stress relief. I was crushed, but I kept doing things with him. I knew it was wrong, I knew I was helping him cheat, but this was the closest I would get to a relationship with him, and I took it. I've had a few fights with him, telling him all the things he made me feel, and it's always gone back to us having sex and making up. I even tried cutting him out of my life entirely, but I'm too attached, and only lasted two days before I had to text him. His gf knows of the truth or dare incident and sex we had when they were on a break, but that's it. She doesn't know about everything else that's been happening.
He's planning on proposing to his gf, and I'm absolutely devastated. I've grown really attached, and I think I love him. Right after he told me he's planning on proposing, he sent me more porn. I was telling a friend about this, and she thinks I've been groomed. I've thought about it, but I'm not sure. I let him do all these things, and even initiated some of them. We didn't have full out sex until 18, so it was completely legal. It's just such a confusing situation, and I'm not sure what to think. I'm a female, and E is a male btw.
Groomed, no. Taken advantage of for being gullible, yes. When hormones start flowing, teen males just want to have sex to take care of the urges. I have never heard of any male any age tell me sex was stress relief, although it is. But thats not the reason any male has sex. Your guy found a willing gullible partner in you. I personally have never tried anything with a man who was married or in a relationship. I know people do this and there are only a few situations in which I might think it was unfortunate but the only way. Your guy is having recreational sex, same as any recreation like sports, cause its fun. What you might have been hoping for is the sex such as in marriage or long term committed relationships where there is love for each other and both want to please the other first before finding their own pleasure. Most teen males quit when they ejaculate and don't go again until they are hard again. However, most take and do not give, or take the time lets say, to help their partner achieve orgasm. The problem is that men at a young age, can get hard at the drop of a hat. Women however are like an iron. They take a long time to heat up but once there, they stay hot a long time before cooling down. When I speak of temps, I am saying hot as horny.
I must caution also on the fact that there was 8 years of difference. Not a problem once both are over their mid twenties.kk Why you ask? Because good decision making doesn't happen for individuals until the frontal lobe of the brain js done growing. Your body may be mature now but this part of brain isn''t done until mid twenties or later, like til 28.
https://www.aacap.org/AACAP/Families_and_Youth/Facts_for_Families/FFF-Guide/The-Teen-Brain-Behavior-Problem-Solving-and-Decision-Making-095.aspx
That link is just one of many hits you'll get if you do a search for 'frontal lobes in teens' and this was just one of them. It is very informative and will help you to understand why you sometimes may make decisions that aren't always the best. No one is exempt, we all have to go through this phase. All I can say is to take your time and think about something you wish to do and if its a subject you can share with parents, then use them as sounding boards by asking what they would do. The decision is still yours but you gather more info and ways of looking at your issue. So as for sex, you won't like to talk to the parents. Just try to stick only with guys who are truly single. Don't believe anything they say because words are cheap and you can only trust their consistency, whether in what they say or what they do. Consistently bad or consistently good and my first husband was bad but new hubby is consistently who he says he is. Even if the sex partner you will eventually find is not the person you will marry, if both of you have enough feelings and chemistry and care for each other, then the sex can go beyond just the fun, taking care of that desire, kind of deal. If two people are in love with each other, then any sex they have is an outpouring of the love they have for each other, like the best gift you can give your partner. You may want that but first you need to learn how to be your own HR dept. and screen guys who apply to see who would be best for the position of 'boyfriend'. There's a saying guys have, "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free." Translated, that means, why get into a committed relationship to have a sex partner and get sex, if you can have the sex for free without the commitment. The attachment you feel is what happens when females have sex with a partner, that is how females are wired. Males use sex to reach a goal, whether the goal is to take care of horniness or the opposite end of doing all you can to please your partner and give them orgasms. You also need to learn how to tell if a guy loves you. Maybe not for finding someone right now but in 5 yrs. you may be ready. So I will close out with a list you'll find handy in the future when you are in college or working and able to live out of parents house, of how to tell if a guy loves you.
7 Questions to know if he really loves you
1. Does he say I love you. For some, it's a hard thing to say but they show it to you in other ways. When he says “I love you”, he is viewing that as a commitment to you. It is not a flippant phrase.
Saying I love you too early like during first couple dates is a warning about the guy. Its a very good chance he is needy and wanting a woman to be his mom. Other phrases from a guy count too, like you're awesome, I adore you. You're the woman I always dreamed of.
2. Does he make you a priority in his life? Guys have more than one priority...things very important to him but you should be one of top 3.
What he does for you or how he acts can't be faked easily because it's hard to lie with your body. Things he does without having to be asked, making dinner, picking up something for a collection you have, making time for you, even if it's a walk or a long phone chat. If the guy likes you, he'll make time for you at least a quarter of the time.
3 Does he tell friends about you and like to show you off? Have you been introduced to his family and friends? If he keeps you separate, he's hiding something or ashamed or fearful of something
4. Does he care about your pleasure during sex? Is he only into seeking his own pleasure or your's too. Does he open his eyes and want to have both your eyes connect while making love?
5. Does he respect and encourage you? Respect means, does he value your opinion, do you share decisions and treats you as a partner. Are you encouraged by him to have your own friends and hobbies outside the relationship and encourage you to seek your dreams and uphold you in that.
Jealousy is not love, it's control. It's okay to be protective, but jealousy shouldn't be what prompts the protectiveness
6. Do your friends and family like how he treats you? Others make a great gauge for judging a guys character.
7. Does he look at you with lust and passion in his eyes, with a hunger and thirst for you? Does he give you admiring looks, does he still want to sneak peeks down your shirt. What he sees is Very important since guys are visually stimulated. If he isn't looking anymore, he has lost his interest. All men because of this natural trait, will also view other women but do so discreetly, without being an ass about it. Don't expect a man to look at only you. If he doesn't look at other women at all, it may be a sign that he is gay. You do want a man who is visually stimulated by women.
How many points are true for you with your guy?
7 true He treats you as a Queen and he is an exceptional man
5-6 true He loves you. Just don't focus on what is lacking.
3-4 true He loves you enough to make the relationship work for him. If it's enough for you, then be content. If you feel like you're settling for less, let him go and look for something better.
I’ve been living at my current apartment for 2 years and my lease isn’t up until next year. The last two people who have moved in are loud. Granted the walls are thin. One issue I had was my neighbor would allow his alarm to go off and it would wake me up at 4 in the morning. I told the property manager and they talk to him about. But, I started sleeping in my living room because he would talk and I could here him and his tv would be up. So I started sleeping in my living room. This new person who is a female kept me up all til midnight talking with her friend. Based on her conversation, she seems toxic and no one I want to be around. It’s upsetting because I’m nice and too myself and plus I just want peace. I’m like why do I have to go through this. This is the 2nd floor I would think it’d be people who are quieter. Plus, they’re older than me so I feel they should know to be consider. Now, I’m going back to sleeping in my room because I don’t want to hear her all night.
How do I deal with this? I should move but what can I do in the meanwhile?
I stayed with a daughter after birth of her first child and her upstairs neighbors were always banging on the door complaining the TV was too loud. I asked them to come in after several times and asked them if they thought our TV was playing too loud, They said it wasn't but they could still hear it so I told them, the walls ceiling floor are too hin. If we make the TV any less on volume we would not be able to hear it and they agreed and they stopped complaining but they didn't move. Most likely its as said, a combo of the thin walls and perhaps her playing things too loud. You said NEW neighbor so wondering how the old neighbor was. If they weren't too noisy. I wonder if your neighbor might have a hearing disability and not know it, such as what happens when getting older or born with and not caught earlier because if they need the alarm so loud you can hear it, maybe that's the issue. If aware of it, they may not be able to afford hearing aids. I am 62 and starting to realize that ones heariang does start to go. I already can't hear conversation if there is any background noise. There's no way to know. You can ask the manager to check out whats going on and say something or you can try to meet and talk with neighbor, have them turn on their music or TC to usual level and come with you to your apartment to see if she can hear her own music. She needs to know how loud sounds from her apartment are. She may be totally unaware of thin walls and sound transferring easily. In meanwhile, maybe you'll find the foam ear plugs help diminish sound a bit. I use them sometimes when hubbys snoring gets too loud and it diminishes but doesn't get rid of sound, although he's right next to me. So sound from her apt. may not be heard using ear plugs. Also at night, you can use a white noise machine and you get used to hearing that and its calming for most and if its close to you, you should hear just that. However if elderly, the neighbor may not be able to do anything about the noise and it may be the only way they can hear. You could ask the manager to let you know of another 2nd floor apt that comes available and move in your complex if you really like the location and cost. Or look for a new place to rent. If its age related, there's not much that can solve the issue. I watch TV and movies on line and use ear plugs but other than that, everything has to be a bit louder than it was when I was a teen, a young mom or even middle age. Hearing began to get noticely worse in last 5 years so even if younger but hearing damage due to a job or something else.
So my boyfriend hugged me today for the first time, twice!! One was a dare and the other was normal. When he did it for the dare, did he do it just for it, or he did it because he loves me??
Guys are not quick to admit they love a gal. So asking him won't get you an answer. He was shy enough to give a hug. Can't say if he feared you'd hate it, you didn't have the same feelings. And then, there's hugs from a romantic partner and hugs from a friend. So you can't tell from just a hug. Yet a guy won't even touch a girl in any way if not interested, even as a friend because of the fear the gal will read into it and be encouraged that he likes her romantically when that was not the reasonk for the hug. NOw that he has hugged you, if you want a hug in greeting or when leaving, give him one. Then just focus on being good friends. Later after you've spent time as good friends, you ask, "Since we are doing great as friends, I was wondering how we'd do together as more than friends. What to you think?" Memorize that bit. You have to ask the question at thej end for his opinion. This way, you are not declaring love which could scare a guy away. If he asks why you ask. Don't admit anything other than you just had that thought pop into your head. If he does want to explore a romantic relationship, he will jump at the excuse to have a chance without saying out loud he likes you. If he doesn't feel the same way, he will tell you he doesnt have those kinds of feelings for you or that it wouldn't work. Guys won't usually tell a girl no for fear of waterworks and upset feelings on part of the gal. So make sure you do not re act in a way that he will clam up and never say a thing again.
How to get a Victoria Secret Angel body
You probably aren't old enough to have seen what the media deemed all women should be represented by, in the past. Just as fashions change with the times, do does the depiction of what women should look like. When all the models look the same, it's hard to realize that 99.9% of women actually do not look like that, nor have the genetic makeup to look like that. I remember someone considered the first of super models back in late sixties and she would NEVER be chosen for a VS model today, because the look was very very different. She is known as Twiggy because of her extremely thin body and limbs. Yet she was supposed to be the role model of what all women should look like, basically almost anorexic looking in clothes. She had really small breasts where most fabric hung loosely over as there was almost nothing beneath.
https://www.huffpost.com/entry/twiggy-model-style-evolution_n_5b9c247ce4b013b0977abf8c
That's for you to see what was considered the body type that was the best looking female body. And you'll see it doesn't compare with what we see on the media today. The big balloon style boobs look totally unnatural and as a female, I have never met another non model whose natural breasts look like those of models today. One or two may be so big that bra's can't hold them up and the breasts fall basically to their laps or they end up getting breast reduction surgery.
If you are into wanting the big boobs, I have nothing to state of the plusses of being that size but I have a lot of minus'es. The biggest is of deforming accidents that happen to the breast. I used to work in health insurance and saw women wanting surgery to fix horrific mutations of their breasts. Once the injected liquids or silicone or what stuff they put in starts to slip and move to the wrong place, you can at worst be in danger of death from toxic stuff leaking into the rest of your body or at least have anxieties about being seen nude on top, not to mention in summer with summer tops, and worst of all, men looking away. Also I have known of men who are very happy with any size breast and prefer the natural look rather than the overstuffed boob look. About 15 or more years ago, I took a scoop neck tee and printed out on computer the words I wanted to iron on to the tee. It was all worded to sound like what describes a natural health food. It went something like this: All natural, no fillers or preservatives, etc. The men who didn't want to be caught reading it, looked away quickly. But amazingly many men told me it was funny but also that they prefer natural breasts. The only men I know of who go for such a thing as balloon breasts I heard from average women who got the boob job done to attract a man. But all these ladies did was attract the wrong kind of man with her new boobs. It seems men who responded to big fake chests on women had a warped image of how to treat a woman. Women soon learned the men were just sex objects to the guys. Thats okay if thats what you want. Unfortunately, along with being used as a sex toy for the boy, there was a lack of love and commitment which most women want. This is not the way to get it. One needs to first be happy with what God gave you and find your own way to uniquely show off who you are.
I have seen plenty pics on line of 19th century and older paintings of nudes. Most all the women are shown sporting bodies that are the most real for women today if at a correct weight....they all have small to medium sized breasts and a slightly rounded tummy. That is natural. Models are mostly tall 5 '10 or taller and have long legs. When they want to become a model they have to do certain things to become thin enough to make the media of today, happy. Right off the internet, here is some stuff on internet for those wanting to try to look like the models. I still believe its a marketing ploy to get women to think they will look just as good if they by and wear the underwear and clothing presented by models. I found that out at an early age, when I put on advertised clothes, I never looked like a model. I'm 5'2 for one thing. Hahaha.
https://www.theskinnyconfidential.com/how-to-look-like-victorias-secret-angels-by-trainer-chris-law/
and this one:
https://www.harpersbazaar.com/beauty/diet-fitness/tips/a4398/victorias-secret-angel-workout-tips/
Hi :) 22/F
I have a dilemma. My toddler is two and I want a baby really bad. My boyfriend (Best friend for 3 years - dating for 4 months) is not really keen on it at this very moment. My mom won't be happy at all, but it is all I can think about. How do I get rid of the feeling?
ps. I do not have any friends with babies (or who I can baby sit) and I've also tried to get a puppy or kitten but there is non available at the moment.
Please help me...
I don't know if the toddler is his child and that can give a few different answers depending. I know a woman in her early forties who always wants a baby but kept it to 3 she birthed and a 4th is her step daughter. However she is not seriously entertaining having a child even if its still possible. So I know some women have this and I call it, overabundance of maternal or nurturing states.
A tiny bit of women do not have this maternal/nurturing instinct and one of my daughters is like that. So its not learned. It is just part of her to begin with. What I can say is that this is a
nurturing part of your personality that will come out in different ways. For example, I am very good at talking to and entertaining young children and love helping them make crafts and teaching them things. I also like working with a garden, weeding, planting new things all the time, watering, nutrients, and that is nurturing too. I suppose it could lend to working with animals in some way.
I hope you understand that there is nothing wrong with you, the feelings can be considered normal but we mustn't fixate on just getting pregnant but will the child have a father figure their entire life? will you financially be able to take care of two children? The expenses do go up and for most financially strapped young families, that little bit is enough to break you. So find a way to direct your urges in a way other than trying to become pregnant. Take precautions because if the bf says no and you are pregnant, he may leave you for trying to force him as he would likely see it.
About urges, every healthy male and female even if in a committed relationship, can appreciate the look of a strangers body or face or both as you cross paths once. And we might feel chemistry on our part at least and though we might be sexually attracted, we don't have sex with every person that brings that urge up. We curb our urges. So as with the urge to have a baby, you need to curb it and one thing you can do is say to yourself everytime the urge comes up, "Please don't bring up the urge to have a baby. I need to focus on my first one and I have plenty of time, not right now. Something like that. Your subconscious will hear and you need to repeat it often at first but soon you'll find that the urge isn't there every day now. It stills pops up, you're maternally inclined, but you make the conscious thought that you will again someday have another.
Now, is there a reason the bf isn't your husband yet? Lots of young men aren't ready for that type of commitment. At least not until they hit 30 or early thirties. Without knowing his level of commitment to you, I cant say your future is secure for sure. Right now, you have one child, having a 2nd one and then something happens. All of a sudden you're a single mom of two. Thats much harder than a single mother of one. The best thing I can say is to take your time and think out every possible scenerio for your situation. If of all the ideas, serious and silly, you don't find enough that you feel as really possible for you, then what ever it is you want,better stop that dream now. Well, this is it and I hope all goes well.
Hello~ This is gonna be long I’m so sorry.
So I’ve (28/f) been best friends with a wonderful human being (27/f) for around 4 years now. She’s supportive, encouraging, calls me out when I need it, and would give me the shirt off of her back no questions asked.
I moved back up to my family after a medical crisis with my dad and now finally feel comfortable moving back to the area where she lives. We’ve even had a solid plan for over a year and to move in together and this would be her first time living out of her aunt and uncles house.
The issue is she spends money, and when I say she spends money I mean she could easily have multiple packages showing up to her house daily no problem. When we agreed to move in together I didn’t assume this would stop and it was far from me to tell her how to spend her money, although I did hope it would slow down a little bit considering I emphasized the importance of having money saved up and how helpful it would be. We are now on less than 5 months away from “the big move” and she has yet to even begin to slow down on making her unnecessary purchases. I’ve gently commented on it a few times in the past year but was hit with a sob story about how she feels like she NEEDS to buy things.
Finally, last week, after another message about all of the things she just bought I laid it out on the table. I asked her if she was mentally ready to move out and into her own place yet. She hedged a bit until finally admitting she was nervous about how much things would cost and I don’t know if she was digging for me to offer to pay more of the rent but didn’t sound too happy about the fact she’d have to give up her spending habits.
I took this as a sign to start forming a Plan B, I already know that without me giving her a number for rent and bills that won’t tug at her paycheck that the move isn’t going to happen. My question is (long winded I know) how do I tell her that my focus has shifted? That I would honestly rather move to a new city and start over than move back closer to her? That her lack of restraint and discipline make me question how much farther our friendship will carry us if I’m ready to start making a way for myself and she’s content with sitting in a room with her things? Moving in together aside it’s disheartening because I’ve always tried to keep my nose out of her wallet, but this one major thing we were supposed to be in together and she has decided it’s not worth giving up her stuff. So how do I handle this without hurting her feelings and is it time to start breaking away?
Thanks,
-B
This right here says all: I’ve gently commented on it a few times in the past year but was hit with a sob story about how she feels like she NEEDS to buy things.
Things are not going to fill the hole of what is/was missing in her past/present. What she needs is mental and emotional healing. This friend of yours is a hoarder in the making if she doesn't get help soon. You will not want her for a roommate if her 'things' begin to take over the apartment. Don't look done on her. She doesn't have a choice in what she is doing to 'self medicate' though she would not say that was what she is doing, yet she is. You can't tell her she needs counseling from something she is looking to replace. So pointing anything at her as reason for you backing out is not a good thing, she would be hurt. Make something up and take the load on yourself. I do this when having to confront someone about something and will say I had to learn the same things or made the same mistakes, so they don't feel so singled out and picked on. I would say, hey, I've been really thinking about this moving in together and as the date gets closer I feel less at ease. I realized, I like my own space and like being a loner at home, no one around. So I've realized we can't share an apartment together. I'd rather do it on my own. No matter what she says or asks, just say you're sorry but this is how it has to be.