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Stuck in the past....
Hi there..
i contacted you before ..
I need some advice i hope you can help me, i'm with this guy we're been together for almost 10 months now, everything was good in the beginning as it should be, we started to live together after 2 month of dating maybe it was soon i don't know.. we use to work together in my family's business, when my family knew about him they terminated him in a cause of that he's not suitable for the family, he's different from our culture background, they want me to settle with someone from our people, of course i didn't listen to them and i gave them my resignation and for almost 2 month now we're unemployed, well he got a job but still didn't start, he will soon.
Since then we started to fight alot and i got so jealous of everything, i can't help it, i started to dig more and more to his past, he's ex contacted him alot of things happened since then, i feel insecure and unstable with him, i'm looking to these past conversations pictures and it's like he gave so much than he's giving to me, he's was so committed to everyone from the past, he's neglecting me i don't feel i matter anymore..
in every fight my only words are it's over im leaving you.. i know it's not right but i don't feel ok at all, he's not the same person anymore, i know he's not doing anything wrong but i don't know what's in his mind because he's not sharing, he's against the idea of sharing from the past i agree but i know nothing about his pervious relationships nothing at all.. and that only gives me the option to compare, i don't usually do that, that's not me,, i'm afraid my situation will be much worse if i continue the way, my family wants me back to work but that would be wrong to him.
It's like i don't have a story what happened in his past and i create this story and i believe in that story, i told him that you should tell me at least what happened so i don't think about my story, he found that really amusing and nonsense .
Now all i'm thinking is going away, some other country to pull myself together and stay a bit far from everything im just tired of everything, those things and my family's pressure on the other.. it's like im between them and no one has a clue what im going through ..
i need some professional advice, i hope you can help me.
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You are right looking in hindsight and realizing that 2 months was not enough time before choosing to live together. After a divorce, I was dating, looking for a boyfriend. I did not want to repeat and get someone abusive like my ex. I had learned to wait long enough to see which way the guy is consistent in, either consistently bad or consistently good. I also looked for just one deed done to give up on a guy. You are putting up with way more than one. The idea here is that people are like cracked clay pots. No one is perfect but there can be toxic traits stored inside a person. Most people put their best foot forward and put up a false facade, basically trying to fake you out as to who they really are. Eventually, trying to keep the act going which takes too much personal energy,just falls apart and one really bad trait slips out. I learned from living with my ex, that the first one is never a fluke or mistake, its a sign that there is more of it just waiting to come out of that pot, or person.
Another truth is that you can not change another person. Each of us has their own will to continue to live a not so good path, or a better one. So if there is nothing you can say or do that will change him into the perfect person for you, all you can do is work on yourself, change your self, the path you're on, what you say and do.
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The idea is to find someone who is already right for you from the beginning. And to find out, you don't move in together early, just spend lots of time in each others presence, so you can see what he is like when stressed, tired, etc, not just the good days. My new husband when stressed or tired doesn't let it out on me and yell or belittle me as my ex did. There are still a few good guys out there. I had to be patient and wait for him. However, I had to leave the ex, divorce, and also start dating a guy like him who was even better at hiding his true self and was able to fake me out for 5 months and that is when I dropped him. It sure sounds to me like you are trying to hard to make the wrong person work for you. In trying so hard, you being a smart person, simply didn't think everything out. Both being jobless at same time is extremely stressful on a relationship. It happened to my ex and me once. I was laid off, budget cuts, and something told me to wait on telling him. Then a few days later, he told me he had just been laid off, same reasons. So I know how stressful it can be, so much it can take a good relationship and break it. Or take a bad relationship and make it way worse than it ever was.
I don't understand your reasoning on this statement: my family wants me back to work but that would be wrong to him. How is that a wrong deed against him, just because he was fired? While the reasons of why the family let him go may not be fair, that happens every day to someone in the world. I can understand if you don't want to work for your family with their attitude. But it is possible that they can become a temporary safety net, giving you an income while you save up and look for another job. However you have to decide if you will stay with the bf or leave. When we don't leave, its because there is something we need to learn yet. Once learned, we will move on to what ever better things life has for us. Wishing you the best.
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