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Razhie. Advicenators Member Since: June 13, 2005. Answers: 5077. Visitors: 211514.
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The Question
(21/F) I work for a big company and in my department we all have become good friends, and recently an executive position opened up. My two friends went for it (one of them being a very good friend of mine who I have known for years) and now the higher executives are in the final decision process. They have both been with the company a few years and are good people, but honestly my good friend deserves it more and has more experience and dedication. Alot of my co-workers and I have heard it will be my friend since in our company, word gets around fast and secrets never stay secret. The problem is, I want to throw my friend a congratulatory party (if she does get the promotion) but I'm afraid of how my other friend will feel. My two friends have been completely civil towards one another, saying there won't be hard feelings afterwards, etc. How do I go about this? Should I not throw a party? Though my good friend has been desperately trying to get a promotion unsuccessfully for awhile! I know it'll make her feel good. What should I do?
The Answer
You should ask the friend who gets the promotion, if and when she does, if she would like a congratulatory party.
She'll be aware of the importance of her new position, and of the feelings it brings up in others and the politics of the office. Express to her your willingness to arrange a party in celebration, but leave it up to her as to whether she wants one or not. Perhaps just a cake during lunch break is as much recognition as she will feel is appropriate.
If the party get nixed (admittedly, I don't think it's a great idea...) taking her out for a nice dinner, or maybe getting her a gift certificate for a little spa treatment, could be better, more private ways for you to express your good wishes to her.
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The Question
I recently learned i have the gift of knowledge. Not normal knowledge but not like einstein. I know things it took adults 40 years to learn and i am 13. my mom says knowledge is a wonderful gift.
1. can i use my knowledge to maybe gain supernatural powers? or make myself dtronger or something.
2. How can i use my knowledge. it's cool to know things but it's sort of a boring gift (not that i don't love it.) what can i do with it that is interesting? and dont say find a cure for cancer or something scientific or mathematical.
** Do not answer number 1 if you do not believe in those things please.
The Answer
I'm about the say the most contentious thing I think I've ever said on this site:
Supernatural means 'not of the natural world'. By its own definition, the supernatural is cannot be proven to exist.
We can't have 'knowledge' about it, because it's not part of the world that we use as the basis for all reliable knowledge. You learn through experience, through observation, through testing what works and what doesn't. The supernatural IS supernatural, because it CAN'T be subjected to that kind of learning. Reliable knowledge about the supernatural is impossible.
The moment something is possible, testable, observable and measurable, it is part of the NATURAL world, and is no longer supernatural.
The only knowledge one can have about the supernatural, is called faith, because it can’t be tested or proven: It’s faith. It’s belief. Some people call it wisdom, but whatever it is, it’s imperfect knowledge.
If you devote yourself to a particular kind of knowledge: physics for instance, maybe someday you WILL be able to do something we think of right now as supernatural, like fly, or travel faster than the spread of light. But the way those things are discovered are through natural means. People created plans and lasers through perfect natural means, using metals and mirrors and taking advantage of natural phenomena. Now we understand lasers as perfectly natural, but for a long time they would have been call supernatural. Or take the Northern Lights, for example. We used to think those were supernatural or magical, now, with more knowledge, we know they are perfectly natural occurrences with a very good explanation.
You too can explain the unexplainable, and turn magic into reality, but don’t try to do it through some sort of magical, mystical, super-hero way: Do the way Einstein did it. His theories changed what millions of people thought was possible in this universe. James Watt invented the steam engine. Nikolaus Otto invented the internal-combustion engine! They did by applying their knowledge about the natural world and they changed the lives of everyone who can after them. There is still so much of the natural world waiting to be explored and explained.
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The Question
Hello Advicenators,
I like the Harry Potter books and the entire Twilight series. I was wondering is the Vampire Diaries by L.J. Smith was a good book or not. I think LJ Smith wrote the Night World series too but I never caught that one. Anyway, would someone who enjoys those sorts of books (Harry Potter and Twilight) enjoy Vampire Diaries?
Oh, and by the way, is the Vampire Diaries similar to Twilight in any way other than involving vampires? I REALLY loved the romance between Edward Cullen and Bella Swan...
The Answer
I never read Twilight, but I really enjoyed the Nightworld books when I was in my early teens. Not sure about the rommance in The Diaries, but the rommance in Nightworld was pretty intense, so I'd imagine it'll be the same.
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The Question
Thanks Rahzie,
I personally always liked you as a person, I've seen your advice and I thought you were one of the best out there.
What I posted below in the moderator forums was out of anger, I apologize if it offended you. I am leaving this site because I have had a few problems with it not really because of what was posted etc.
I'm sorry but I think after I posted what I did, I'm banned anyway or at least it's a matter of time before someone does. If it is possible could you leave your email for me at Jezzy_Ricardo@yahoo.com I'd still like to remain in contact.
The Answer
Bahia,
I think it's important you know that I'm the one who reported you. I hope that knowledge helps you. If you’d noticed my advice, you’ve probably noticed I’m always trying to correct misunderstandings about sexual health. I know we both thinks it's a really important topic.
I’ve copy and pasted the report I made below, for your information.
If you aren't too angry with me now, and would like my advice: Apologize for losing your temper and for calling other advicenators names. If you'd like to stay here, I'd be willing to bet good money that a sincere apology will do the trick.
As I said before, we all make mistakes, sometimes big ones in all caps ;) Sometimes they can’t be avoided. Lord knows I've made mistakes on this site. I've had misunderstandings with other collumnists, including DN once, if memory serves, but by talking things out calmly, and apologizing for the errors I've made, I've had a long happy time here. It’s the way we handle our mistakes that defines us a people, not the fact we never make any! That would make us Gods!
You don’t have to lie down and accept it. Even if you do leave this site, and never come back, you could still choose to apologize for anything wrong you feel you might have done, and leave with your head held high.
This is what I wrote in that report:
I don't feel good at all about doing this because she's a great advicenator, but I think she needs a little nudge to review her medical advice a tiny bit better.
The phrase "They say that someone who is sexually active using condoms and not on any form of birth control there is a 90% chance you will become pregnant within the first year" is just bizzare, and not even close to the worse stats I've ever read. I think she might be confused, because the lastest study out of out Planned Parenthood suggested that the failure rate for *teenagers who only use condoms* was a 10% pregnancy rate...
Couldn't find that study, but here is PP's general answer to the condom effectiveness question:
[Link](Mouse over link to see full location)
* Each year, 2 out of 100 women whose partners use condoms will become pregnant if they always use condoms correctly.
* Each year, 15 out of 100 women whose partners use condoms will become pregnant if they don't always use condoms correctly.
I don't think she meant to imply that the pull out method is more effective then condoms, but I sort of think that's what happened! Her intention is great, but her facts are all over the place...
Whatever happens. Know I wish you the best,
Razhie.
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The Question
if i were to have sex with a condom, have him pull out, take the morning after pill, AND do it right when i get off my period, what are the chances of me getting pregnant. it absolutely cannot happen but ive been dating my guy for almost 3 years and we're both ready and i really want to do it with him. im 17 btw. absolutely cantcantcantcant get pregnant.
The Answer
If you CAN'T take the slightiest risk of getting pregnant, then you CAN'T have sex.
If you do everything you say here, it's extremely unlikely you'd get pregnant.
Damn near to impossible, but still not completely impossible.
The risk is still there, even though you made it amazingly small.
Each of those methods has a degree of failure involved. None of them are perfect. Lumping them all togeather cannot create a perfect method. No one can magically pull numbers out of the air here for you, and even if they did, it couldn't possible be 100% certain.
Sex is risky. Sex is less risky when you are well-prepared and have a solid plan on how you will deal with the risk (and that solid plan MUST inlcude things like knowing how to use and store condoms, where you can get the morning after pill, where you can go for proffesional sexual health care AND what you will do IF your approach fails.)
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The Question
19 years old female.
i always have a problem. it's with guys. i don't want a relationship, i just want to have fun!:) and i have a naturally flirty personality; i don't try to be like that, its just how i am. in that case, its so hard for me to be just friends with a guy because they always end up liking me, and i dont feel the same! its such an awkward situation though because i feel soooo bad saying i just want to be friends, because i hate hurting people! and when they tell me how hot and stuff i am, it just becomes even more awkward to the point where i don't want to hang out with them anymore..
some don't tell me they like me, but how they talk to me pretty much gives me the hint and i just dont know what to do anymore!
The Answer
At nineteen, there isn't much you can do.
The good news is it's probably as much about them as it is about you.
Guys at nineteen are still learning how to be 'just friends' with girls. Same goes for girls. During our young teens we tend to have our boyfriend or girlfriend, and then all the other people who we are really close too, are generally our own gender. Not true for everyone, but true for most.
Learning how to have an intimate friendship with people of the opposite gender, without sex getting in the way, is something that doesn't really happen 'till your twenties and thirties.
The guys you are talking to will learn not to think that every girl who flirts with them is actually interested and you'll learn to stop the guys with whom you can have a flirty friendship and how to treat that guys who CAN'T handle that kind of friendship, with respect and how to maintain friendships you can both enjoy.
The fact you are nervous about this and realize it's a problem is the exactly right place to be at this point in your life. You know you need to make some changes, so here are some suggestions:
Watch out for guys who 'need' to be a relationship, and who jump quickly from monogamous relationship to monogamous relationship. When they start hanging out with you a lot: They are looking for a girlfriend replacement. Don't become it.
Watch for guys who consistently show you preferential treatment. If you tease them with playful insults, and they respond with compliments, they aren't a 'flirting friendship'. If in a large group of girls and guys they always seek just you out to talk too, they are seeking approval and your attention, they aren’t behaving like ‘just friends’.
The final thing is to stop being a doormat. I bet most people who know you wouldn’t call you that, but that’s the problem: Stop being so damn nice. When a guy makes you uncomfortable, don’t gloss over it and retreat or playfully ignore it. Guys can be total MORONS: They take that ‘She’s shy’ or ‘She’s unsure’ or ‘She’s playing hard to get’. Hit them over the head with the Big Bat of Obviousness “Haha, that’s funny, but you know I’m not into you like that right? Flirting jokes are just a fun and part of our friendship.” If they feel it means more, let them know if they aren’t happy with it being a ‘flirty friendship’ and it NOT meaning more, then they need to stop the behaviour that makes them unhappy or confused, and that you will try to cut it out too.
Don’t be timid. Don’t tiptoe around the truth. That IS leading them on. Learn to stand up for what you want from your friendships.
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The Question
My best friend just recently got married to a girl he's been dating for the last year.
During that time, they never touched one another and refrained from sexual contact. She was a VERY pure seeming girl in all ways. When they first started dating she was very open about telling him something around the lines of her wanting to be pure on her wedding night. He, obviously, assumed this meant she was a virgin girl.
My friend is 26 and he's had a crazy past (he has had sex with plenty of girls during his high school and college years). So, needless to say, he knows what "feels good" sexually and what simply doesn't for him.
The girl he has recently married has also had a sexual past, it turns out. She apparently failed to mention it during the months leading up to the marriage though! Instead of just telling him EVERYTHING there was to know about her, she presented herself as being religious and modest for most of her life. So, come the wedding night, he was excited he had gotten married to a pure woman and was looking forward to living a righteous life with her.
Come time to finally get intimate with on another and consummate the marriage, she tells him that she hopes that he's the best she's ever have. He thought that sounded a little odd to say so he asked how many guys she had previously been with. She couldn't seem to pinpoint a number and just kept telling him, "just a few..."
He was upset but had married the girl so he thought he might be able to get past this shock. They go on to being intimate and he finds out that not only is she NOT a virgin like she had previously presented herself to be but her vagina is SO loose! He said there was almost no friction at all and it was a great let-down for what he was expecting his wedding night to be. They had to stop "trying" to have sex and just go to bed because the didn't know how to make things pleasurable for them both.
Now, he's thinking, "What have I gotten myself into! She is obviously not what I thought she was! What else is she hiding from me that is important?"
The next day he asks his friends (including me, of course) to go out and find some information on his now wife. We go out, ask some questions in some bars and to people that seem to know everybody. We find out she was a nasty freak right before they started dating! She use to go out clubbing, drink, smoke, had a lot of miscarriages as well as a handful of abortions. She was constantly with new guys and use to mess around with women, too! One guy even said he thought he might have sold her pills to get high with before.
We couldn't keep this stuff from my friend that married her so we told him the truth of what we had found out. He's SO devastated that she never bothered to tell him these things!
He knows he needs to confront her about these things but he is afraid and doesn't know what to say exactly. I mean, hell, his marriage can fall apart in a matter of minutes--HELL, it already has in his mind! I can't say I wouldn't be any happier myself though. I think I would have left her on the wedding night when she said she wasn't a virgin (I mean, she did act like she was one during the entire time they were dating)!
What should he say to her? He's SO hurt and wants to run away, to say the least. Can anybody help me to help him?
The Answer
Back off a little bit, and let him find his own way.
He is the one is the marriage. Neither I, nor you, can tell him what to say. If he needs more then you can give, suggest counseling, for him, and maybe for them both. Even if the marriage is completely over, the counselor will know how to guide two people through that and can provide a safe place to ask serious questions.
Be a friend. Be a rock. Just Listen.
Let him know if he's getting way off track (if he suggests having her killed or killing himself for example, that would be a good time to give very concert advice), but other then that now is not the time to tell someone what to do, now is the time to ask someone what they want to do, gently, and without judgment.
It's his marriage, his decision and his oath to consider. The best things you can do as friends is not put too much pressure on him to follow any praticular path. Be there for him in whatever he chooses. Be generous, to him, and even to her. Not because what she did was okay, but because you demonizing and attacking her doesn’t help him. It’s just peer pressure to hate, and if he going to move on in life, he needs friends who steer him to peace and a renewed confidence in people, not bitterness and hate.
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The Question
before reading this,im gunna ask that you NOT say "oh theres nothing wrong with you, you still have time", etc. because guess what? i am a FIFTEEN year old girl with absolutely NO breasts. i don't fit into the smallest of small size cups because there is nothing there. i know i could just be a really late bloomer, but i have already had my period and i thought you were supposed to develop breasts about 2 years BEFORE getting your period. is it possible i'll stay like this forever? is it really possible i'll never ever get boobs and have the chest of a man? is there anyone else out there like me?
The Answer
There are millions of people out there like you.
It is certainly possible that you wont developed much in the way of breasts. The best thing to do is take a look at the other women in your family, and figure out whose body yours is most like. That's normally a good way to tell.
If you are seriously concerned that something might be wrong with you, see a doctor.
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The Question
Im Pregnant this is way to much stress on me and I need answers.
My two year old son called my sister in laws phone. Her husband cussed out my son. My son hung up the phone and her husband called back. I said this isn't your phone to begin with its BreAnna's and it was jayden who called not me or dustin and I said bye and hung up. She would copy everything i wrote on myspace I asked why she said i dont and its a free country. I said okay whatever bye (through text messages) her husband was going to play the music at our wedding my husband didnt want him to since he doesnt get along with him. they brought that up i said the music was all up to dustin and not me i planned about everything else that was not my fault. My husband text both of them asking to leave me alone im pregnant i dont need the stress and had nothing to do with it. He husband started calling me a whore and slut. My husband did say well we can meet some where oh i forgot you have breanna fight all your battles. blah blah
we cant get a list of text messages for the court date because we need a sepenia. which could take for ever and day.
My husband is freaking out. Im stressed they pressed charges practically on a 2 year old because that was the only person who made phone calls.
The Answer
Your question is really, really, hard to follow. It makes very little sense.
But frankly, there is no police officer on this planet who will do anything by laugh thier heads off at someone who wants to charge a 2 year old with haressment. Seriously.
STOP TEXTING THEM, because texts can be haressing as well, and people can be charged for what they say in texts.
All of you, you, your husband and the both of them are making this into WAY bigger of a deal then it needs to be.
Be the adult in this situation, and let it go. 'Cause it's obvious they aren't going to be the mature ones, you and your husband damn well better be.
Find someone else to deal with the music at your wedding, and STOP TEXTING THEM. Ignore them on MySpace, or Facebook or whatever. You are all being silly. Continuing to speak to them for any reason except to say "Thanks, but we've got someone else for the music now." is competely pointless.
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The Question
So his tell me that we were going to move past the friendship stage was his way of telling me that he wasn't interested? His coming to TX to visit me personally was his way of telling me that he wasn't interested. When he came to visit, he wanted more time from me, I was didn't have anymore. So he was telling me that he wasn't interested in me and that he wanted someone else? Then I completely missed the hints.
The Answer
Yep. You did.
Maybe then, maybe later on.
Maybe in conversations you felt were unimportant.
Maybe in things you misinterpreted.
Maybe the guy is confused, disappointed or conflicted, then or now.
But fundamentally, yes. You probably missed or misinterpreted something.
It’s either that OR, he’s a liar and a player who led you on for a year... and his strong response against your question, paints his as a pretty fiercely loyal guy. It seems unlikely that he deliberately misled you, only that you misunderstood, or that he changed his mind.
If you never talked about that misunderstanding or his opinions of you while he was single, you don't have much a leg to stand on in demanding to know them now...
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The Question
As ashamed as I am too say this, The last time I picked up a book and read the entire thing was 8 years ago.
My question is does anyone know a really good book? Something that isn't a century long lol..
I saw someone suggest "Speak" on another post it sounded very interesting and I will look into that one. However, I like books about reality, Drama, Real life storys not so much romance novels but survival storys or something that someone went through in life. Also if anyone could suggest some really good books related to Anxiety and Depression would be fantastic!
P.S. I have already read all the David Pelzer books.
Thanks!
The Answer
Oranges Aren't The Only Fruit, fits the bill, so long as you are open minded about about homosexuality.
You might find Fall On Your Knees really compelling too, although in fairness it's a damn long book...
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The Question
ok so one of my friends thought of a good idea to get a guy to like me. he likes "bad girls" so the plan is to get a rumor started about me that i gave someone a bj and idk if i should do it or not. help me plllleeeeaaasssssssseeeee!
The Answer
Sure. Not only will you get his attention, you'll get the attention of EVERY OTHER CREEPY, SEX OBESSESD GUY AROUND!
Even better the first time you do give a bj, instead of it being a fun thing you try out with some guy you really like, you'll be a total nervous wreak as you try to 'fake' knowing what you are doing!
No! No of course you shouldn't do it! It's a horrible idea! Why even ask?
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The Question
Hi Advicenators.
I'm 15 years old. I've been with my current boyfriend for 7 months now. We have a slight on and off relationship, but it's been good for a few months now. We are both virgins.
We are in love. There is no doubt about that.
We are 100% open with each other sexually, we have done everything but penetration sex. if something embarrassing happens, it's totally okay, we continue and laugh it off.
Recently, we both really started wanting sex. But I'm TERRIFIED of a condom breaking, and me getting pregnant. Please help me. I'm just so scared. But I really am ready for sex. I can't get on birth control by the way. Any advice
The Answer
If you are TERRIFIED of a condom breaking, then you aren't ready hun.
You might be ready is all other ways, but if you are missing that one, then you aren't ready.
Sex is risky. It's just is. The younger you are, the higher the cost of those risks. If you are living in a life where you can't even access birth control, then yeah, sex is a HUGE risk for you. It might be okay that it terrifies you. It's IS terrifying. Pregnancy should absolutely terrify any teen, unless they are a moron.
Here are the facts:
Condoms can break. Mostly due to improper usage or storage. So, if you store a condom properly, and both you and your boyfriend read instructions on how to probably use one, you are as safe as you will ever be.
It's still possible that a condom might break. That is ALWAYS possible. You can of course decrease the likelihood, but if you are terrified of even the tiny possibility of a splitting condom, then you simply aren't ready.
'Cause the way you get unterrified, is when you are say, like me: 24, employeed and confident that even if that tiny risk DOES happen, you can cope with the love and support of those around you and give a child a good life.
So, wait. Wait until you are either un-terrified, or until you have access to an appropraite back-up plan like the birth control pill or the morning after pill.
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The Question
Recently I lost a year long friendship with a guy. All though we were friends, I let him know that I was interested in being more than friends. I also gave him every opportunity to tell me that he wasn’t interested or to move on. He didn’t. We had a really open relationship or so I thought. We were able to say anything without offending one another. I thought we were friends.
He recently told me he had a girlfriend. I was disappointed at first, but I like the friendship so I told him we could still be friends. I asked him why not me? Why couldn’t I have a chance with him? The totally went off on me. He was very defensive and he was very angry with me. He said that I was putting our friendship on the line by asking the question. He told me that I disrespected him his girlfriend and their relationship. There were other things he said, but he totally insulted me. He was very, very defensive. He attacked me and he still didn’t answer the question.
I felt it was a valid question, and I really wanted to know because it would give me something to change for the next man.
We have friends in common and they say that he made a bad choice and one day he’ll think about it.
Why did he react like that? Why did he attack me like that when I told him I was cool with him having a girlfriend? What happened?
The Answer
You asked him why his girlfriend wasn't you?
That's not a friendly question. It's disrespectful and accusatory, and it sounds like he explained why very well.
It was very disrespectful to him, and his girlfriend, because what that question implies is that if she weren't around you'd be the obvious choice, which is very presumptuous and comes across as really arrogant.
And you implied that there was something inherently romantic and inmate about your current friendship. How would you feel if your boyfriend had a female friend who thought they were sooo close, and sooo perfect for each other, she asked him “But why not be with me?” No one would like thier partner in a 'friendship' that was that loaded.
That question also implied you are not cool with him having a girlfriend, despite anything you said, because what he heard when you asked it was this:
“You should be dating me. Why wasn't I the first in line if you wanted a girlfriend? Your own judgment on this matter sucks, and you shouldn't even bother to be emotionally faithful to her, instead you should have a very intimate conversation with me about why you wont date me, even though you've clearly avoided this conversation for the last year.”
I'm sure that is not what you meant to say, but that is what he heard, and that is why he responded badly.
And frankly, even if he was a bit harsh on you, I think he was right.
If nothing happens after a year of friendship, nothing ever was going too. I would bet that this guy felt he had made it clear he didn't like you like that. He hadn't realized he had not be firm enough, because he didn't want to hurt your feelings.
You might have meant to just be asking for advice on how to attract good guys like him, but that is not what you said at all. What you said was 'Why don't I get presents!?' at some other kids birthday party. It came across as self-absorbed, disrespectful and accusatory, and it's not being a good friend either. Whatever happened after that be as it may, but you shouldn't have asked for advice like that. It was a horrible way to do it.
I hope you can understand that, because your last lines here, where you are again saying 'His judgment sucks because he's not dating me and all my friends think so too!' is really disrespectful. That comment doesn't sound like you are okay with the fact that this guy picked somebody else. And he's an adult, who is allowed to make his own choices and is not responsible to you.
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The Question
17/f
My parents are really being unreasonable. They refuse to approve of my boyfriend because he's not from the same group of people as us. He's puerto rican and my parents dislike him because of the reputation they carry but what upsets me the most is they are judging too quickly.. They haven't even met him in person to be making judgements. And my father refuses to allow me to go out with him anymore. This isn't the only thing they dislike about him.. He's 18 but could pass as a 20 yr old and my parents claim that if I bring him over the house there going to ask for I.d to prove his age its completely nonsense !! I just don't know what to do anymore I refuse to bring him over because I don't want them to scare him away and I don't want to tell him about this because it'll really upset him.. I don't want my parents choosing who I date or telling me who I can go out with ...
The Answer
You'd probably be best to explain calmly to your boyfriend, that yep, your parents are completely insane. You might be surprised. A guy who really wants to be with you will bare all sorts of nonsense from your parents, and if you are serious about being with each other for a while, the sooner you start to face your parents together, the better.
So, invite him over for dinner, let your parents ask for ID if they must, and tell him to be on his best behavior. If he cares for you, he will do that and not get scarred away.
As long as you live in your parents home, they actually do have at least some say in who you date and who you hang out with. By even allowing the idea of inviting him over: They are leaving you a small opening to prove them wrong about you and him. They are giving you the chance to prove that you are mature and confident in your choice of him as a partner, and they are giving him the chance to prove he is a respectful young man despite thier prejudices. If they were completely, 100% agianst him, they wouldn't even allow him in thier home. So take this chance and use it. It's an important chance for them to met him as a person, and for you both to show them that you respect their feelings and concerns, even if you don't respect all of their rules or opinions.
They are your parents, and you are a child living at home. You need to leap through some of the appropriate hoops too keep the peace, and to set yourself up for success in the future.
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The Question
Thank you so much. I am feeling calmer now.
I bought a test from Meijers called 'one-step pregnancy' or something. It was like $8, I think this kind will work. The package said to wait for about 19 days afterwards if my periods are irregular, but I'll probably try it before then.
I didn't really think stress could make my period late. I know too much exercise can stop you from having it, but I'm a lazy ass. Haha.
The thing that's been worrying me is that I usually feel it coming up, and I haven't yet. Maybe it will still come. Otherwise, could it just be possible to miss it once from having sex for the first time?
Anyways, really thanks a lot. I'm feeling ok. Thank you!!!
The Answer
Missing a period after having sex for the first time should not happen. There is no reason for that.
Sex can delay the period every so slightly, especially if you haven't had sex for a while (or ever). But a few days is waaaay longer then that sort of response should last.
If you are ever exercising so much that you delay or miss a period, you are exercise TOO MUCH and your body has started to panic and eat itself. Being lazy in that way is a good thing! Never, ever, let it get that far. It's horribly unhealthy.
STRESS can absolutely make your period late, even stop it all together for a little while. I don't mean like normal everyday stress, but certainly 'My friend just died' stress, or SATs stress can have that effect. Certainly the 'Oh my god I think I'm pregnant and that scares me so much I'm making myself physically sick' stress is enough to do it.
Glad you are feeling better.
Please do look into proper condom use and storage as well ;)
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The Question
Okay i'm 14, and i'm horney like all the time..
i like this guy, but he's a little older then me?
i really want to have sex with him, but i'm scared of all the things that could happen, i've been finger and it's okay, but tomarrow i'm supose to have sex???? what should i do?
The Answer
Not have sex.
The risk is WAAAY to high, pregnancy, STDs, not to mention the emotional risk of having sex with some guy you kind of like just cause you want to have sex.
Seriously, I have no problem with teens having sex, but at least do it with someone you really care about, and who cares about you. At least that way, if it goes bad or if you have to face some real disasters, you can do it together.
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The Question
Hi. I had sex with my boyfriend on August 24. Today is September 5. I usually have my period around the 25th day of the month, but I have been very irregular before. It's been late and early in the past.
The condom broke, unfortunately. But we stopped when we realized this. He didn't cum, and I'm not taking any birth control. So technically we had unprotected sex on accident.
I'm not going to ask if I could be pregnant, because of course I could be. When is the earliest I can take a urine pregnancy test? Isn't it two weeks, or is that still too early? Two weeks for me will be on Sep 7. I don't want to take the test and have it be too soon, and get a 'no' if I actually am.
I also have type 1 diabetes. Could having ketones at the time of taking the pregnancy test have any effect on its accuracy?
My boyfriend and I are terrified. It was only a one-time thing. It feels like it should be one of those 'what are the chances of that?' kind of things, but I know one time is all it takes.
Please don't try to punish me. Believe me, this is too much as it is, and I don't even know if I am or not. If not, I've really learned my lesson.
I occasionally feel nauseous and tense, but I believe this is more because of how stressed and upset I am. I'm really hoping this is all just a big scare where I've stressed myself out so bad that I've convinced myself that I probably am pregnant.
I've noticed that my urine has been pretty yellow lately. This could be just because of my diet, but could it have anything to do with early pregnancy?
If I am pregnant, I know that having the child is barely an option. I'm a senior in highschool. Having a baby now would ruin my education, career plans, everything. Plus, the humiliation of going through with it with my classmates and my family would be overwhelming for me, and I already suffer from depression.
I'm really not too fond of abortions. A baby shouldn't suffer for my mistakes. Is there ANY possible way to give the fertilized egg to another woman who could have it implanted in her? I know they do that with unfertilized eggs and then fertilize it afterwards. Please, I'm really scared.
I don't know what I should do. Please, please someone help. I need advice and suggestions!
The Answer
.
First things first: Stop torturing yourself.
It's far too early to be imagining the embarrassments and pain.
Really it is too early to be running through the worse case scenario thinking. That's the fear talking, not the intelligent brain, so don't feed into it. Although it is possible you are pregnant, it's unlikely.
It's far more likely that your stressing and panic is delaying your period.
You may a take the urine test any day now.
Home pregnancy tests are about as effective as they can be between 3 and 7 days AFTER your period was due. So if you are generally due around the 25th, you've waited long enough now, and may take a urine test and it will be pretty reliable. Read the instructions carefully and use it properly. Buy a good brand from a proper drug store (not a dollar store) and if you want to be doubly certain, buy two.
Diabetes should have no effect I can imagine on a urine test.
FYI, at this point there is no procedure for removing a fertilized egg from one women and implanting them into another. Although it can probably be done, there are ethical issues around it that would probably prevent it from ever being a really available option.
When this is all over and done with, spend some time researching how to properly use and store condoms. They most often break because they were stored in a bad place, or used improperly. So it's worth it for you both to do some private goggling, and re-learn condom safety.
Take a deep breath, take the test, and whatever happens you are going to be okay.
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The Question
Hi I'm from the UK.
I have a 9 year old daughter who is very distressed and upset and i'm hoping you can help me help her!!
I moved away from her dad in 1999 (before she was born) due to domestic violence and gained an interdict to stop him coming near us. Since we weren't safe in the area we lived in after my split with him i moved to Edinburgh in 2002 and have been safe and living life normally ever since, that is until May last year when he managed to locate us.
Within a week we had to be placed in a Womans Aid refuge for our safety and he believes we live down in London now.
Ever since though he set up websites in search of us using videos and information from my daughters health problems to try and locate us. Now the first two websites we managed to get taken down as it pertained to a minors safety but the 3rd (which my daughter stumbled on last night) has only been up for a couple of days.
I've spoken to the police who confirmed this is a source of harassment yet won't do anything about it as its online. My solicitor reakons since he doesnt know where our new address is we should simply ignore it but its easier said than done!!
He is definately abusing my daughters right to safety and privacy. He has invaded both me and my daughters privacy by making this site and has caused us great annoyance and anxiety. The very fact he used her name as his web address shows he is abusing her right to privacy. If it was more about him it should have been called JohnMackie.co.uk not http://www.Shannoncassidy.co.uk
My daughter deserves the right to live life normally and safely - she does NOT deserve her privacy violated in such a manner and certainly not be hounded by him. Please for the safety of my daughter help me get him stopped for good!!
I need help! This is affecting my daughter greatly!! She has only JUST started relaxing after the last spate of websites and now shes back to sitting in her room crying - She doesn't understand why someone would ignore her requests to take it down and leave her alone as she wants nothing to do with him at the moment.
In light of this i would appreciate it if you could help!!
The Answer
If she is only nine years old, you are very much in control of her media intake.
If you feel there is something or someone online that could damage her or upset her: Don't let her online unsupervised, or limit the sites she is allowed to access.
If you are having a conflict with her father, use the courts to deal with it. Surely there is someone at Womans Aid refuge who can give you more legal advice or send you for a second opinion if you are not happy with your current solicitor.
According to no law I know has anything on his site either invaded her privacy or done anything illegal. He has rights too. And if he hasn't recieved an answer, legally, as to why he is being refused access to his daughter, then he's got a damn good case agianst you and one you need to address legally.
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The Question
I know my boyfriend for two years but we brook up 3 times .
we were together all the time for 6 months but i couldn't take it because he never lets me out or talk to my friends and he made me quit studying and i wasn't mad Because i love him . after that he called me every now and then for 9 months but i didn't answer him for all that time. after i did he said that he misses me and he is sorry for every thing that he made me lose and i said OK in one condition that if we will end up married and he was OK with that. three weeks after that he got to what he was, never wants me to see any one or any one see me,just be with him and talk to him.
i left him for the second time and i changed my number. but i couldn't take it , i love him so much that i don't feel that my day is complete with out him and we used to be together all the time so it was hard. i sent him a massage from my new number after a month, saying sorry i left you that way ,and in a few days i asked him if your OK that we would be friends because i just want you to be with me and I'll take the last chance for that. he didn't answer if he wants to be friends he just said we'll take when we get together.i saw him every thing was fine and fun just one thing two weeks after that i found out I'm pregnant in 10 days and we are only together for 1 month , so i didn't want to tell him ,i was afraid he'll leave me. i sent him a massage with every thing in it ,and asking him not to be mad because I'm was very scared . he called and shouted and said it wasn't his , when all that started i looked at my phone and closed the line and looked my phone . i felt lost and i didn't have any one to tell,so i toke care of every thing.in two weeks i felt better i opened my phone , he called and send massage if i hated him i said i just wander why you didn't stand by me. and i sent him saying not to call me and just pretend that we never met if we were at the same place. in a few days he called . i sent him i want my things . he called then sent me if you want them call me . i didn't,this Friday i told him I'll pass by to take them he said OK. when i got their he hugged me and was so thin and asked me how am i so i got it all out ,that he wasn't their for me, he didn't believe me, and he don't care. and i can't be friends withe you ,either have you and spend all my life with you or leave you because i can't take the idea that you'll be with any one else and you will treat me like nothing ever happened , he said that you wanted to be friends and i never said their wont be a life for us together is just we were apart for a while and it would take the same time for us to fall in love again and he said he was sorry and he never meant to hurt me ,its only his mouth that messes every thing he gets mad easily and easy forget and I'm not like him. and with all what we have been through i still love him and i know he cares . Because he call's all the time . it just I'm worried and scared because i don't want to go through losing any thing again,. is he playing me or he is trough but mad and confused.
The Answer
He doesn't pity you.
He wants to OWN you. Thank goodness you aren't married to this guy. Marriage to this man would be selling yourself in slavery.
You've been right before: You've trusted your instincts and not taken his calls, and destroyed all contact with him. Like the posessive creature he is, he was unable to let go of what he saw as his (ie, you).
He doesn't pity you. Pity requires concern, and his own concern is owning you, and controling you. He doesn't give a damn about how you might feel, or what your experiences might be. He only wants to prove he can have you, treat you like shit, and still have you.
His mouth doesn't mess things up. It's the whole of him that screws this up, because he is cruel, immature, controling jackass.
He's not just playing you, he's playing himself too. He's pretending like he's changed. He might even think he really has changed. But there is no reason at all to believe has. He's only doing what he has always done: He's playing nice until he has you in his trap agian, and he feels free to turn ugly on you. A man who can shout at you, control your activities and bully you, is the kind of man who will beat you someday.
Break free now, and stay that way. Please.
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