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My friend married a liar...someone who he doesn't know at all now!
My best friend just recently got married to a girl he's been dating for the last year.
During that time, they never touched one another and refrained from sexual contact. She was a VERY pure seeming girl in all ways. When they first started dating she was very open about telling him something around the lines of her wanting to be pure on her wedding night. He, obviously, assumed this meant she was a virgin girl.
My friend is 26 and he's had a crazy past (he has had sex with plenty of girls during his high school and college years). So, needless to say, he knows what "feels good" sexually and what simply doesn't for him.
The girl he has recently married has also had a sexual past, it turns out. She apparently failed to mention it during the months leading up to the marriage though! Instead of just telling him EVERYTHING there was to know about her, she presented herself as being religious and modest for most of her life. So, come the wedding night, he was excited he had gotten married to a pure woman and was looking forward to living a righteous life with her.
Come time to finally get intimate with on another and consummate the marriage, she tells him that she hopes that he's the best she's ever have. He thought that sounded a little odd to say so he asked how many guys she had previously been with. She couldn't seem to pinpoint a number and just kept telling him, "just a few..."
He was upset but had married the girl so he thought he might be able to get past this shock. They go on to being intimate and he finds out that not only is she NOT a virgin like she had previously presented herself to be but her vagina is SO loose! He said there was almost no friction at all and it was a great let-down for what he was expecting his wedding night to be. They had to stop "trying" to have sex and just go to bed because the didn't know how to make things pleasurable for them both.
Now, he's thinking, "What have I gotten myself into! She is obviously not what I thought she was! What else is she hiding from me that is important?"
The next day he asks his friends (including me, of course) to go out and find some information on his now wife. We go out, ask some questions in some bars and to people that seem to know everybody. We find out she was a nasty freak right before they started dating! She use to go out clubbing, drink, smoke, had a lot of miscarriages as well as a handful of abortions. She was constantly with new guys and use to mess around with women, too! One guy even said he thought he might have sold her pills to get high with before.
We couldn't keep this stuff from my friend that married her so we told him the truth of what we had found out. He's SO devastated that she never bothered to tell him these things!
He knows he needs to confront her about these things but he is afraid and doesn't know what to say exactly. I mean, hell, his marriage can fall apart in a matter of minutes--HELL, it already has in his mind! I can't say I wouldn't be any happier myself though. I think I would have left her on the wedding night when she said she wasn't a virgin (I mean, she did act like she was one during the entire time they were dating)!
What should he say to her? He's SO hurt and wants to run away, to say the least. Can anybody help me to help him?
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First off, it's not your marriage to get caught up in between, but I would be doing the same thing for my best friend. The best thing he can do is confront her, if it doesn't work and she gets defensive then well they don't have an open communication and their marriage is gonna go down the drain. If he knows that the things he has found out bother him so much he needs to tell her or he's just going to drift away farther from her instead of just TRYING to work things out.
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Back off a little bit, and let him find his own way.
He is the one is the marriage. Neither I, nor you, can tell him what to say. If he needs more then you can give, suggest counseling, for him, and maybe for them both. Even if the marriage is completely over, the counselor will know how to guide two people through that and can provide a safe place to ask serious questions.
Be a friend. Be a rock. Just Listen.
Let him know if he's getting way off track (if he suggests having her killed or killing himself for example, that would be a good time to give very concert advice), but other then that now is not the time to tell someone what to do, now is the time to ask someone what they want to do, gently, and without judgment.
It's his marriage, his decision and his oath to consider. The best things you can do as friends is not put too much pressure on him to follow any praticular path. Be there for him in whatever he chooses. Be generous, to him, and even to her. Not because what she did was okay, but because you demonizing and attacking her doesn’t help him. It’s just peer pressure to hate, and if he going to move on in life, he needs friends who steer him to peace and a renewed confidence in people, not bitterness and hate.
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