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Losing a friend
Recently I lost a year long friendship with a guy. All though we were friends, I let him know that I was interested in being more than friends. I also gave him every opportunity to tell me that he wasn’t interested or to move on. He didn’t. We had a really open relationship or so I thought. We were able to say anything without offending one another. I thought we were friends.
He recently told me he had a girlfriend. I was disappointed at first, but I like the friendship so I told him we could still be friends. I asked him why not me? Why couldn’t I have a chance with him? The totally went off on me. He was very defensive and he was very angry with me. He said that I was putting our friendship on the line by asking the question. He told me that I disrespected him his girlfriend and their relationship. There were other things he said, but he totally insulted me. He was very, very defensive. He attacked me and he still didn’t answer the question.
I felt it was a valid question, and I really wanted to know because it would give me something to change for the next man.
We have friends in common and they say that he made a bad choice and one day he’ll think about it.
Why did he react like that? Why did he attack me like that when I told him I was cool with him having a girlfriend? What happened?
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You asked him why his girlfriend wasn't you?
That's not a friendly question. It's disrespectful and accusatory, and it sounds like he explained why very well.
It was very disrespectful to him, and his girlfriend, because what that question implies is that if she weren't around you'd be the obvious choice, which is very presumptuous and comes across as really arrogant.
And you implied that there was something inherently romantic and inmate about your current friendship. How would you feel if your boyfriend had a female friend who thought they were sooo close, and sooo perfect for each other, she asked him “But why not be with me?” No one would like thier partner in a 'friendship' that was that loaded.
That question also implied you are not cool with him having a girlfriend, despite anything you said, because what he heard when you asked it was this:
“You should be dating me. Why wasn't I the first in line if you wanted a girlfriend? Your own judgment on this matter sucks, and you shouldn't even bother to be emotionally faithful to her, instead you should have a very intimate conversation with me about why you wont date me, even though you've clearly avoided this conversation for the last year.”
I'm sure that is not what you meant to say, but that is what he heard, and that is why he responded badly.
And frankly, even if he was a bit harsh on you, I think he was right.
If nothing happens after a year of friendship, nothing ever was going too. I would bet that this guy felt he had made it clear he didn't like you like that. He hadn't realized he had not be firm enough, because he didn't want to hurt your feelings.
You might have meant to just be asking for advice on how to attract good guys like him, but that is not what you said at all. What you said was 'Why don't I get presents!?' at some other kids birthday party. It came across as self-absorbed, disrespectful and accusatory, and it's not being a good friend either. Whatever happened after that be as it may, but you shouldn't have asked for advice like that. It was a horrible way to do it.
I hope you can understand that, because your last lines here, where you are again saying 'His judgment sucks because he's not dating me and all my friends think so too!' is really disrespectful. That comment doesn't sound like you are okay with the fact that this guy picked somebody else. And he's an adult, who is allowed to make his own choices and is not responsible to you.
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