(Ask A Question.) (Feedback.) (Discussion Board.) (Make Razhie A Favourite.) (Advicenators.)
Razhie. Advicenators Member Since: June 13, 2005. Answers: 5077. Visitors: 211514.
Favourite Collumnists.
(WittyUsernameHere.) (karenR.) (NinjaNeer.) (rainbowcherrie.) (DangerNerd.)
The Question
I am 17 and seeing an older man hes twenty five and hes married is that bad...?
The Answer
Yes.
Bad, wrong, dangerous and in some states, illegal.
I have a feeling you probably already know this isn't okay. Most reasonably intelligent people know that dating a married person is wrong. The difference in age, only makes it even more DANGEROUS for you, emotionally and physically.
Not to mention, a married 25 year old who is cheating with a 17 year old is definitely NOT a fabulous human being who makes good choices. At best, he is dumbass who is currently making craptastic decisions in his personal life. You are 17, and you shouldn't have to bear his stupidity or his mistakes.
(View All Other Answers.)
The Question
I am angry. I'm sure there are more girls out there who are as angry out there as I am. I am 17. I am so sick of pussy hungry guys. Why does it seem like now days all guys want is sex. They can't stick with one girl for at least a month. Its like, they can't ever get enough pussy at all. I am just sick of it. It's just so selfish and pig like. What is happening? It just seems to get worse every year. I know not all guys are like this, but most of them are...ew...its so irritating! I just want to hear your opinions guys/girls, what you think about what i'm saying.
The Answer
You are seventeen. Most guys your age aren't ready to commit to anything like an adult relationship. HELL, most girls aren't able to at seventeen. They just fake it a lot better.
I'm sorry to be harsh on teens, 'cause I wouldn't be on this site if I didn't adore 'em, but it's hardly even dating until your twenty. It's just hanging out with sexual overtones.
The decently sane males, who actually want, and are capable of, a monogamous relationships, are few and far between below twenty. And in my opinion, most of them still don't get the hang of it till thirty.
You can be as angry as you'd like, maybe you do live in a place where the culture doesn't encourage guys to get better, but being angry won't turn a donkey into a unicorn. For that, you simply must keep your eyes very open, wait patiently, and not get so bitter that when the decent guy comes along, you are too angry to seem an attractive partner to him.
(View All Other Answers.)
The Question
my boyfriend of almost two years cheats on me daily with my "best friend" and they both have the fucking nerve to deny it. which i just found out today. i love him for some strange reason, hes helped me threw so much he was there for me through my cancer and mental schizo rehab and many deaths and has always ben by my side i dont wana let him go but i dont think i can cry anymore, i want to stay with him but i dont? i dont know how to live without him.. what do i do, with explanation or try and convince me or something please :( iv had an extremely hard life im bad at letting go of ppl i love, were both almost 16
The Answer
You need to break up with him.
There are two possibilities here:
One, he's not actually cheating and you simply don't trust him at all.
Two, he IS cheating and lying to you about it.
Either way, you can't be with this person. You can't be in a relationship with someone you don't even trust that much, and you can't be in a relationship with someone who lies to you. So, either way, I'm sorry, this is over. Even if you kept trying to be with him, unless he was, at the very least, honest and apologetic about the cheating, it would only be pretend.
Nothing anyone can say can make it hurt less, but don't pretend this is something it isn't. End it now.
(View All Other Answers.)
The Question
OK. Well i've been tlkn to Rab for almost 1 year and 1/2 now and its come to my attention that his twin brother has been admiring me ever since me & Rab met. Well, over the time i've grown feelings for Jo(his brother) and idk wat to do. I still love Rab, but not being able to see him is killing me. Jo promises to come around if we get together, but thats also wat Rab promised me when we first met and here we are 1 year and 1/2 later and we still haven't met. Over all this time i've been getting tired of waiting and feel like i'm ready for a new relationship, but i dont wanna break Rab's heart. Especially, by dating his twin brother.....he says if Jo makes me happy then I should go for it. But when he told me that I didn't entirely believe him because Rab is a jealous guy and if he sees his brother with the girl he once called his wife i dnt think he'll be so okay with it. I'm not sure what to do.....someone help :(
The Answer
Date neither.
Be single for a while, until you find someone who you actually know, like face-to-face know, before trying to date agian.
You aren't just ready for a new relationship, you are a ready for real relationship. Neither of these guys seems likely to offer that.
That means dating either of them isn't a praticularly good idea, and I think you know it.
(View All Other Answers.)
The Question
The man I want to marry wants a prenup. He has been married 2 times before and both of his wifes left him. He says that I dont trust him but doesnt a prenup say that he doesnt trust me to?
The Answer
No. It means you are mature, respectful adults who acknowledge that marriage is, among all those other wonderful things, a contract. And you are going to be intelligent and precise about that contract.
In signing a pre-nup, you'd be respecting his past and the priorities it's given him, not admiting he doesn't trust you. Everyone thinks thier marriage is going to last forever, and in today's world, most of them are wrong. It's prefectly rationally to prepare for that possibility.
But instead of just being a passive participant and accepting whatever paper he puts in front of you, be active and informed. Read a book. Consult a lawyer. Ask about the kind of pre-nup that doesn’t just protect the money of the man (as I assume that’s his main concern) but also respects the contributions that a women might make to a partnership that aren't nessicarily finacial, like putting her career on hold for child rearing or relocating to live closer to his place of work.
Understand what you are signing and contribute to creating it. Togeather you can build a document you both feel is fair would be respectful of your partnership, should it come to an end.
(View All Other Answers.)
The Question
I am really good with kids. They all love me it seems like and the parents do too, but when it comes to promoting my babysitting business I am really lousy. I want to do flyers and put them up in the usual places but every time I get a start on one it just seems like I am putting too much or too little info.
I have re-written several flyers dozens of times each and I am never happy when I am done. I know this is stupid, but could someone send me some examples of what to put on a babysitting flyer?
Thank you for your help!
The Answer
Tell all those parents that love you, that you are looking for a few more families to babysit for.
Parents can be really defensive when they find a good baby sitter, and they don't want to share her, but I bet if you tell the nice ones that although you love thier family and they will always come first for you, that you are really needing some more work too, and if they know any other family looking for a sitter, you'd love it if they recommended you.
A personal recommendation means WAY more then a flyer. Spend some time calling parents you are close to and chatting with them for a minute about this, rather then the flyer. It might take a little while, but I promise you it's a better use of your time.
(View All Other Answers.)
The Question
As you may have guessed I am a redhead. I get teased a LOT mostly by other girls but I never have anything to say to come back with so I either cry or get really mad and walk away.
What are some good comebacks for people who make fun of me just because I am a redhead? You would think it was a crime to have red hair the way they talk to me. :(
Thank you!
The Answer
Smile gently at them and say "It's okay to be jealous, but red hair dye is the most popular kind. I'm sure you could get some at the drugstore if you want it that bad."
Or just roll your eyes.
Teasing someone about their hair colour is just as rude as teasing someone about their skin colour. Having a rare hair colour is simply awesome any ways, and you don't have to give them a comeback. All you have to do is know the truth, and act on that truth. Don’t get angry, just treat them the way they deserve: like they are being completely inappropriate and totally clueless.
(View All Other Answers.)
The Question
Hi, sooo. I've been feeling really down lately. Very, very down.
Background story --
i went to three different high schools, and never really kept in touch with people, and graduated with zero friends. i went to a new high school my senior year, and for lunch everyday I either went to the library by myself, or hid in the bathroom. I don't know what's wrong with me but I just like to be by myself. I'm introverted. Quiet, observant, and socially awkward. I participated in some after school activities like drama club so some people know me from that because I used to talk there, but in general I graduated with zero friends, and not even a lot of acquaintances. I guess you could say I was a loner for two years.
Now, I'm in my freshman year of college. I can't even join facebook because, well face it, you need close friends to join so it doesn't look like you're a loner...and I wouldn't want to join facebook anyways, but that's not the problem.
I decided to go to college on the other side of the country (from cali to new york city). The city is great and everything, but I still feel alone. It doesn't help that the college is in New York City because everyone goes home on the weekends, or out of the campus and no one seems to have come as far as I have. It is a tiny college, like an apartment in the city with an attached building to attend classes. It's not a college campus or a typical college experience at all. And I hate it. Most people seem to know/have at most like 4 friends. It has no sense of community at all, so I feel like I'm alive but not living. I feel 100% invisible. It makes me feel like crying a lot because I'm alone and because the only people I talk to are my parents on the phone. I thought college would be a change from my two horrible high school years but it's just the same, if not worse because now I'm alone and away from home.
And I don't mean to be obnoxious or anything, but I am quite attractive, and get attention from guys everywhere. Because I barely have friends, I like the attention because it makes me feel loved, but at the end of the day I realize it is just because of the way I look. I miss how I used to have friends who loved me for me and not because of how beautiful I am or whatever. I used to be not so attractive looking, and quite odd looking until my 18th birthday. Then, I suddenly changed lookswise and suddenly everyone now wants to get to know me but after they discover I'm not that exciting and loud, they don't go further, and I miss having friends who liked me for my personality and not my looks, back in like early high school. I also feel like I'm a little standoffish in my behavior, I don't talk to people a lot. I'm not outgoing, but I'm not shy. I'm just.....there. People in college like me as acquaintances. But again, lots of them like me because I'm pretty. There has to be more to me than just my looks, and I'd really whatever part of me that is to be appreciated instead of superficial things.
Sometimes, I roam the streets of New York alone just because I enjoy getting hit on by strangers, men of all ages, sometimes I'll go to bookstores hoping I can chat up with some cute guys. I get discounts at places because I'm 'pretty', and I've even had a lot of creepy teachers. Don't get me wrong though, I mean I don't do anything with guys, I don't even have a bf. It sucks because most people assume I have one or are intimidated so they don't ask me out. And good looks in my experience attracts the guys who are superficial or just want to hook up. I'm just a flirt/tease. Male attention sort of temporarily distracts me from the fact that in reality I'm all alone. I like the attention because I don't get any other kind. I've gotten addicted to just going out and doing things alone, like shopping...eating...and everywhere I go because like I said, I get attention. My roommate is boring and similar to me and doesn't have many friends here but she has her friends from high school. And maybe I should talk more in general, but I never have exciting stories to tell and I feel like I wish I was more exciting and articulate as well. I wish I could enjoy and want to make friends but this part of me just oddly likes being alone. It's so weird. I guess because it's very 'safe' to be alone - you don't have to put yourself out there. You don't have to be judged. So it's like, I want friends but I don't want friends. Crazy weird, huh? And I've also gotten disinterested in my academics. Like, I maintain a decent gpa, but it could be way better if my mind wasn't so....distracted by my dreams of becoming an actress and by my depression. Academically, I don't feel the motivation to do my best even though I do good, because I want to be an actress and I'm so driven by it it's really all I want to do and all I think about.
I also have this obsession with fame, and I'm an aspiring actress which is partially why I came to the new york city for college. I guess my obsession for fame stems from the fact that I feel like proving people wrong and I've never felt loved and fame is basically being loved to the extreme (unless your famous for something bad but not the kind of fame I want and that I'm referring to). So sometimes I like being alone and focusing on my career. I study movies, I act, and things are looking up in that direction.
But, at the end of the day. I cry. I'd like someone who genuinely loves me and cares about me because of my personality. Getting attention from guys doesn't count anymore, it's superficial as hell. I would really like best friends and perhaps a boyfriend, but I only attract guys who want me for hooking up. And I never do give in, but like I said, I thrive on the attention and I do flirt back.
So, after all is said. Any advice?
The Answer
I think you figured out your key issue, but didn’t quite narrow in on it:
You might not be happy with the situation, but you find it safe, comfortable and it's your norm.
In order to change it, you are going to have to be willing to take a risk, be uncomfortable, and change what you think of as normal.
To be truly cared for, you must be open to truly caring for someone else, and right now, you aren’t. Even throughout this question you are entirely wrapped up in your own shit, in what goes on in your brain, in what your problem is, what people think of you, and how they treat you. Not a single mention of another human being, as an actual, individual person.
I could give you lots of advice on how to develop friendships, but first step first:
Get the hell out of your own head. Not only is your own brain standing between you and happiness, it doesn’t even sound like a pleasant place to be most of the time.
Take some of this free time you’ve got and go volunteer someplace with people. Help run a bake sale. Help out at a community daycare or kitchen. Hell, you live in NYC! Go volunteer as an usher at theatre or independent movie theatre! Many of them rely on volunteers to take tickets or serve snacks and you’ll be surrounding yourself with people with similar interests.
But just volunteering isn’t enough. While you are doing it, give yourself this task: Ask other people questions about themselves, their views, their hopes and their lives. The goal is to get them to do most of the talking. It’s takes a bit of learning, but if you catch yourself talking too much about yourself, or even flirting with someone, or if the conversation just dies away, instead of just letting things stay the way they are, stop, and think about what that person has said to you and turn it into a question about themselves. Listen to what they say, and ask follow up questions.
(A side note: When a guy starts doing this exact thing to you, trying to get you to talk, and asking follow up questions based on what you say, that’s a big sign they like you as more than just a hook up).
It is hard work, and for a while, you won’t feel comfortable doing it. But it is the way you need to change in order to start connecting with other people. You might never be the social butterfly, who knows everybody, and you don’t have to be, but this is the way to start learning how to connect and have valuable interactions with other human beings. The first place you volunteer or go might not even be the right one for this, but you’ll find your place eventually, and you need too, desperately.
(View All Other Answers.)
The Question
OK so I have to ask. My girlfriend has been crazy for me to cum inside her but I am afraid of making her pregnant. She is on birth control and everything but still I feel like she is trying to trap me with a baby. Why? Because this is what she told me: She said that having cum inside her is a feeling of completeness and is 1000x better than orgasms.
Have any of you ever heard this? Is this for real? Do you really feel like that?
Thank you!
The Answer
Wow, I'm surprised people are being so judgemental on this...
Personally, I can believe the reason she gave completely, There are sex acts feel more fulfilling emotionally. It makes sense from and evolutionary perspective for a woman (and yes, I've met men too) and find that the most satisfying.
HOWEVER, you should not do anything you aren't comfortable with.
Be very clear with her about your feelings on this subject, and ask her to please stop badgering you about it.
You might ask her how she would feel if you kept asking her about a sex act she was uncomfortable with... That would make you a jackass right? What goes for the guy, goes for the girl. She needs to back off about this.
(View All Other Answers.)
The Question
what would you do if you liked your best freind about a year ago and he told you he couldnt see you because he was going out with someone and you happened to be out with him a few days ago and now hes single and he happened to have a flashback of when you used to like him but you asked him what he meant and he said nothing bad what does this mean ? and why would he bring it up ? helpppp please ?
The Answer
No one here can read his mind.
If you need to ask him what he meant by that, then you'll need to just ask.
If he is newly single he might be just fooling around, or he might be testing the waters.
If you are still interested, let him know.
No reason to be all vague about it.
(View All Other Answers.)
The Question
I'm 17 and my boyfriend's 16. Can I run into any legal trouble when I turn 18?
(I live in the US, by the way)
The Answer
The Age of Consent laws are different in each state.
But, there are very, very fews states where that age difference would be problematic.
(View All Other Answers.)
The Question
Hi there my friend has a prescription for "clamovid" in her purse. I saw it while I was looking for her keys. What is it exactly? And what would it be for? I know I am being nosy but we do have sexual relations and that does have the word "clam" in it if you see where my mind went. :)
I need to know if I should get checked out because of what she is taking? Anyone?
The Answer
Clamovid is for bacteria infections. Most commonly, throat or sinus infections, sometimes for UTIs.
There would be no reason I can imagine for you to be concerned about and STI. The only big bacterial STIs are gonorrhea, syphilis and chlamydia, and those are all CURABLE. So there would be no reason to give her a medication that wasn't the cure.
Honestly, you really should be able to trust the person you are sleeping with more than this...
(View All Other Answers.)
The Question
We were fooling around and he got some on his hand then he fingered me. He told me not to worry because of well lemme just ask: Does sperm die when it hits oxygen? For real? Like you know this for a fact and would bet your life on it?
Thank you!
The Answer
SPERM DOES NOT DIE WHEN IT HITS AIR.
That is not a fact, that is a myth. Sperm can survive outside of the human body. Doctors have reported sperm outside of the body living for as long as several hours, depending on the environment.
It is certainly sensible to believe that sperm can survive for several minutes at least on someone's hands. Sperm can survive for days, inside a woman's body.
Sperm is not terribly hardy however: Washing your hands (or his, as the need arises) is very effective. Even drying them thoroughly on a towel is a reasonably effective approach.
However, sperm doesn't die when it hits air. Don't bet your life on that. Don't bet a dollar on it. It's just not true.
(View All Other Answers.)
The Question
22/F
I've struggled with depression and anxiety in the past, and thought I was over all of it. Went back to school, things were going well. I'm not on medication or seeing anyone right now, since my psychiatrist dumped me due to being overloaded, and my medication was zombifying me.
I got swine flu and was away from school sick for a week, plus I didn't really recover until another week after that. I've been slipping behind in schoolwork, which is depressing me, which is making me slip more.
Basically, I'm feeling overwhelmed. I'm behind in everything; I have 3 labs and an assignment overdue in one class, another 2 in another class, an essay in another class.
I feel like my life is falling apart all over again, even after I tried so hard to get this second chance. I'm worried that I'm always going to be a depressed failure in life.
How do I pull out of this cycle and pass university? I'm even scared to go to class now, because my professors are judging me.
The Answer
I also struggled, seriously, with anxiety throughout university. So, I hope you can forgive me, because this advice isn't going to be sugar coated. It just is what it is.
First, know that very few of your profs aren’t judging you.
Most of them don't give flying fuck if you pass or fail, or if you are a good person or a bad person.
If you are judging you, it’s for like 5 seconds. They don’t have more time than that to waste on it.
So, stop sweating that, as much as you can.
Now, as for what to do:
Send them each an e-mail.
Explain that you have been struggling with your mental health since returning to school (that sentence, right there "I have been struggling with my mental health since returning to school." is ALL you need to say). Explain that in addition to that you have missed and struggled this month due to swine flu...
All this 'explanation' shouldn't take more than 150 words, at very most.
It's not the important part of this e-mail.
This next part is the important part, and should take up most of the e-mail.
Express your own unhappiness and anxiety about the difficulty you are having.
Express your desire to be successful and turn around your performance in their class.
Write down EXACTLY what projects or assignments you have missed, or feel you will not complete on time.
It’s a very good idea, if you are able to say when you feel you’d be able to complete major assignments, include that.
Tell them you understand that they might not be able to make any expectations for you, but that you’d be very grateful for any allowances, or advice they might have for you on what should be completed first.
Finally, thank them, and let them know you can make yourself available to meet them in person if they’d like.
This might not work, but at very least, your teachers will know that you are struggling, and that you are interested in doing better, and open to advice and feedback on how to do better.
But after you express this, you have to follow up on it. That means take their advice. Maybe work on the assignments for the teacher who is the most hard-assed first. Go to class.
I found, when I got really overwhelmed, it was really great for me to just say these sorts of e-mails out loud to a friend, and have them type them up. That was really helpful and got the e-mails sent out much faster, ‘cause my friends would only put up with my shit for so long.
I feel like I could just go on writing here, but finally, you should find out if your school has any counsellors available. Most universities do. They won’t be as thorough or as deeply trained as your physiatrist was, but they might help you have someone to talk to in the meantime.
Best of luck!
(View All Other Answers.)
The Question
I'm in love with my professor and I'm pretty sure he feels the same way. We've become pretty close over the past few years and I want to move for something more.
I have already considered the consequences associated with this, but I've decided to go ahead anyways. I will not have any further classes with him and there is no university policy banning relationships. I don't really feel the need to defend myself here, but I'd really like helpful advice on this question, so it might be interesting to know that my counselor and I are in agreement that this professor and I are a good match.
I'm going to tell him how I feel about him, but I'm not sure exactly how to say it. He's pretty reserved, kind of shy. He's older, very calm, but I think being very straightforward would make him uncomfortable. I've worked with him quite a bit and we have wonderful conversations, but they're usually started off on something related to school before they go tangent.
So I guess I'm just wondering - how should I bring it up? What should I say? Should I approach him in his office (he's there late after hours often, so I could do it without running the risk of being overheard), or should I ask him to go for a coffee? Should I be straightforward or more creative (more direct signs that I like him without actually coming out and saying it)?
Any advice you can give would be very much appreciated. Thanks!
The Answer
Assuming you are of legal age, and that he no longer hold an official position of authority over you at your school (ie, he's not your department head, your teacher, or your advisor), all right then.
If any of those qualifications are not met: Go no further. It's either illegal (if you are not of legal age) or very unwise, (if he still hold a position of formal authority over you as a student, it’s very likely against the school’s code of conduct for staff).
So assuming those issues don’t apply, ask him out for coffee. Or too an event you know you have a shared interest in: A lecture, a book signing, a movie.
Do not confess your feelings, not for a while. At this point, the big L would be careless and hasty. It would be careless and hasty even if you were after a guy your own age. You’ve gotten seriously ahead of yourself. Take a deep breath and let things evolve more naturally. No rushing. No jumping head-first into the deep end. Not only is that silly, most of the older men I have dated find that kind of impulsiveness off-putting.
What you need to do in this situation, is the same as in almost any other, you need to establish a personal friendship outside of the professional environment. You need to, through your activities and conversation, gently invite him into your personal life and see if he’s reciprocates that invitation and interest. Until you've done that, your deeper feelings will seem misplaced and premature. Until you’ve done that, you’ll freak any decently mature guy out.
Give it a few of these ‘pre-date’ sort of events to help gauge his comfort level, and frankly, to discover if you two actually have enough in common outside of the classroom to base a relationship on. It’s one thing to feel an intense attraction and have great conversations, it’s quite another to blend two people’s lives together in a loving relationship. One doesn’t necessarily lead to the other.
(View All Other Answers.)
The Question
okay well for a few years now i have talked to myself..everytime i go in my room ill just blab about what happened that day or make up my own story, i imagine people are there and that for some odd reason i belong to a differnt family ( I Know i sound stupid) Well ill listen to my ipod n jt blab about whatever sometimes while im just sittin on my bed with my laptop ill do it there n actually talk back to myself and picture them there well im 17 now and i reaslized i shouldnt be doin this..when i get caught im soo embarrassed i just wanna die and never speak to anyone again..Please tell me whats wrong with me so i can see a doctor asap thanks=)
The Answer
There is nothing wrong with you.
The vast majority of people do that. It's perfectly normal.
(View All Other Answers.)
The Question
I'm 19/f, and I've been dating my boyfriend (also 19) for almost a year.
We recently had a little "break" because we kept fighting and arguing. Now that we're back together, he's starting to drive me crazy again. Only this time, he's being way too clingy. I love him and I appreciate the fact that he's trying to remain close and intimate, but it's gotten to the point to where he whines when I have to go home and he holds me so tight and kisses me all over my face that I can barely breathe. Whenever we're alone he squeezes me and puts up a fight when I try to literally PRY him off. When we're on the phone I'll say I have to go and he'll say "BUT I LOVE YOU" over and over again.
When I tell him he needs to chill and just turn the possessiveness down, he pouts and whines and says he feels rejected, and he gives me huge guilt trips. But I don't even want to have sex anymore- I just want an arms-length of room.
It's making me not look forward to seeing him, because I know he's gonna be RIGHT THERE in my face, he'll even grab my head and turn it so I have to face him when we're watching TV. How do I get this to stop without hurting his *delicate* feelings? PLease help..
The Answer
You absolutely do not need to appreciate being bullied, pushed around and guilted in your relationship...
There is really no delicate way to handle this. Nor does this degree of cling deserve a delicate response.
You are way past anything reasonable, it's time to just hurt him.
This boy needs a swift emotional kick in the balls. Even if it ends your relationship, it'll will be the kindest thing you can do for him.
The only time this sort of behavior is acceptable is when a four year old feels this way about their mommy.
Stop letting him push you around with his emotions. Stand up for your own, and be brutally honest.
If this behavior is going to kill your relationship (and it is) tell him as much.
I'd go with something as harsh as this:
You feel rejected? I'm sorry you feel that way but I'm not rejecting you. Not yet.
But if you don't get a hold on this behavior, it will probably kill our relationship
Because I FEEL BULLIED. I feel like you don't respect my time or my choices. I feel like I'm being pushed around and guilted every time I think or do something that isn't about you.
We need to respect each other or we can't be in a relationship.
I need you to respect me by not demanding the phone call continue for ten more minutes after I say I have to leave.
I need you to respect me by not physically forcing me to be closer to you, no turning my head, no grabbing me.
I need you to respect me by realizing that your feelings are not my fault. Of course I want you to be honest with me about your feelings, but being honest is different then blaming me every time you aren't getting 100% of my attention.
If you can't respect me in these ways, our relationship is going to end, because I can't be with you anymore unless this changes.
(View All Other Answers.)
The Question
I have no idea what is the best way to approach the situation.
My cousin, I don't really know her well and we're like distant cousins.
My boyfriend, best friend, I know him very well.
So my cousin and boyfriend go to the same college, stay in the same dorm building. They've met before, but do not talk to one another.
One night my boyfriend goes to a party and texts me and tells me cousin is there. I'm like oh cool. Then he says she kept staring at him and was following him. He isn't the type to confront a female about weird things. I was thinking that was SO weird. She texted me and said she saw him there. Ok, cool. So another night my boyfriend goes out and she's there. Again she's following him and walking by him. I'm again ok wow, that's weirddddd. So, Friday he's out again. This time he tells me, "your cousin here and she's following me again, dancing crazy around me, and pointing at me." What! He then says "Can you please talk to her about it because its making me feel really unconfortable. BUT don't be mean about it because I do have to see her around."
I told my mom this and she says I should say specifically what she was doing and to tell her its making me uncomfortable and him. Is that appropriate? If so, how should I put it in words?
Thanks!
The Answer
For goodness sake, is your boyfriend four years old?
If he is uncomfortable, it's his job, not yours, to speak her.
At this point, it sounds like he knows her even better then you do.
Do not get in the middle of this, instead, empower your boyfriend.
Let him know you trust him to deal with this respectfully and honestly, and that you'll back him up whatever happens.
But be very firm that he needs to be able to stand up for himself when something upsets him. If might be different if this was going on in a room where you all three where togeather, or at family fuction, but it isn't. It's happening at school in a dorm, and he is charge of how he behaves and who he interacts with in a dorm. Not you.
For all you know, all your cousin is fishing for is a friendly hello, and awknowledgement of recongizing one another.
Stay out of it until he speaks to her about what he is finding awkward. After that, simply back him up if anyone asks you about it.
(View All Other Answers.)
The Question
Recently, my friend has been talking about how hot he thinks his teacher his. He keeps saying he fantasizes about her and he worships her. He said he likes walking past her room having excuses just to walk by her and at the end of the day waiting to see her leave, he said he wants to buy the yearbook and school newsaper just to oogle and at any pictures of her in them, saying "pictures of my hot teacher are like what pornography is to other people. Worst of all, he said he wishes she was a pedophile and if she wanted to rape him he'd be all for it, and he also said he hopes her boyfriend dies. This sounds kind of funny but also weird to me. I guess you could find a teacher hot, but still. Is this normal, or has he gone too far?
friend is 16 teacher is about 26
The Answer
Regardless of this being normal or not, you are well within your rights to let your friend know that you don't want to hear about it anymore.
I would bet, although I might be wrong, that a large part of why he does this is that it gets the attention of his friends. They laugh at him. They tease him and make fun. They worry about him. They think about him and talk about him.
Even bad attention, is attention.
So, one good way to discourage his behaviour, is to stop giving him that attention. When he talks about it tell him simply and firmly, that you aren't interested and that you don't want to hear it.
If he keeps on about it, don't argue with him, instead, walk away from him. The more of your friends you can convince to stop playing along, and giving him attention for talking about this stuff, the better.
In addition to no longer feeding into his little over-dramatic obsession, you might want to talk about it with a teacher or staff member at school who you trust. Teachers talk to one another. They know a lot of what’s going on in their student’s lives. Way more than you’d think. They might be able to tell if this is a symptom of a bigger problem with your friend, or just a weird thing he does.
(View All Other Answers.)
The Question
Well I'm a junior in high school, and last year this boy, who flirts a lot with many girls, including me, started to really have feelings for me, and I just blew it off because he was always just play flirting. He finally convinced me he was serious, and I really started to develop feelings for him. I found out he had a girlfriend this whole time, and got mad at him for flirting so much with me. He told me he didn't like her and broke up with her. I really liked him so we started dating over the summer. He started acting very weird and ignoring me after a few weeks, I finally got sick of it and we decided we were going to take a break, which turned into a break-up. We came back to school and he apparently liked a new girl. He still texts me and tells me he misses talking to me, but always changes the subject when it comes to our relationship. He also told me he didn't like the other girl. I don't know what to do because I've tried to get over this boy but I really think I fell in love, and now I'm stuck because I know I should get over him but I cant. I don't know what to do because he obviously has problems with staying with one girl, but i just dont get how he can go from being sooo into me, to this. I'm just miserable and don't know what to do because I dont want to give this up when I know hes the one for me. Please any advice that would help would be greatly appreciated:)
The Answer
He doesn't just have a problem with staying with one girl.
He has a problem with lying, cheating, ignoring the feelings of others, selfishly going after what he wants regardless of what effect it might have on others, leading people on and treating them like dirt...
His problem isn't about commitment. His problem is that he is currently a lousy ass human being.
The even bigger problem is that he is clearly not even trying to be better. He’s just continuing on with being lousy. It’s working for him. He gets your attention. He gets her attention. And he probably has a few other girls on the line as well.
Please, please, PLEASE understand this now, because it will suck if you don’t get it until your 30s (and some people NEVER get it): This guys ISN’T the one for you, unless what you really want in life, is someone who uses you, disrespects you, lies to you and generally treats you like you are second best.
That is not a guy for you! You are a great person. That is a guy for a weak-willed, pitiful girl, who can’t tell the difference between loving behaviour, and abuse.
It’s okay to have feelings for him. You can’t help that. But don’t go around telling yourself he is the one for you. He’s not. You’re better than that. You have to be better than that. If you can’t be better than that you are going to be miserable, always, until you realize that you deserve better, and go find better, with someone else.
To help get over your current misery: Stop talking to him.
A guy who leads you on like this, is not even your friend. You shouldn’t be talking to him if talking to him hurts you. You shouldn’t be talking to him when you know he lies to you. That isn’t friendly. That isn’t hopeful or respectful. Talking to him if that is how he is going to behave just provides him with new ways to disrespect you.
To keep on talking to him, and too keep on telling yourself that he’s ‘the one’ is just picking at the wound. You’ll never get over him that way. You need to be able to let this go, before it truly damages you. The way to let something go is to get rid of it in the real world as much as possible. Once you’ve done that, you can start to get rid of it in your mind as well.
(View All Other Answers.)