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Telling My Professor I Love Him
I'm in love with my professor and I'm pretty sure he feels the same way. We've become pretty close over the past few years and I want to move for something more.
I have already considered the consequences associated with this, but I've decided to go ahead anyways. I will not have any further classes with him and there is no university policy banning relationships. I don't really feel the need to defend myself here, but I'd really like helpful advice on this question, so it might be interesting to know that my counselor and I are in agreement that this professor and I are a good match.
I'm going to tell him how I feel about him, but I'm not sure exactly how to say it. He's pretty reserved, kind of shy. He's older, very calm, but I think being very straightforward would make him uncomfortable. I've worked with him quite a bit and we have wonderful conversations, but they're usually started off on something related to school before they go tangent.
So I guess I'm just wondering - how should I bring it up? What should I say? Should I approach him in his office (he's there late after hours often, so I could do it without running the risk of being overheard), or should I ask him to go for a coffee? Should I be straightforward or more creative (more direct signs that I like him without actually coming out and saying it)?
Any advice you can give would be very much appreciated. Thanks!
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Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Love Life?
Assuming you are of legal age, and that he no longer hold an official position of authority over you at your school (ie, he's not your department head, your teacher, or your advisor), all right then.
If any of those qualifications are not met: Go no further. It's either illegal (if you are not of legal age) or very unwise, (if he still hold a position of formal authority over you as a student, it’s very likely against the school’s code of conduct for staff).
So assuming those issues don’t apply, ask him out for coffee. Or too an event you know you have a shared interest in: A lecture, a book signing, a movie.
Do not confess your feelings, not for a while. At this point, the big L would be careless and hasty. It would be careless and hasty even if you were after a guy your own age. You’ve gotten seriously ahead of yourself. Take a deep breath and let things evolve more naturally. No rushing. No jumping head-first into the deep end. Not only is that silly, most of the older men I have dated find that kind of impulsiveness off-putting.
What you need to do in this situation, is the same as in almost any other, you need to establish a personal friendship outside of the professional environment. You need to, through your activities and conversation, gently invite him into your personal life and see if he’s reciprocates that invitation and interest. Until you've done that, your deeper feelings will seem misplaced and premature. Until you’ve done that, you’ll freak any decently mature guy out.
Give it a few of these ‘pre-date’ sort of events to help gauge his comfort level, and frankly, to discover if you two actually have enough in common outside of the classroom to base a relationship on. It’s one thing to feel an intense attraction and have great conversations, it’s quite another to blend two people’s lives together in a loving relationship. One doesn’t necessarily lead to the other.
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Once you're out of his class, you're an adult and he's an adult, so it doesn't matter. If there aren't going to be issues with the university, then whatever.
However.
You are probably under 21 and he is probably over 35. That is a pretty huge age gap, and guys his age who go for girls your age go there for a reason, usually having to do with serious maturity issues that make them more compatible with someone barely out of teenage hood (or not even past it yet). If I'm wrong, I'm wrong. If I'm not and the gap is there, then approach this relationship slowly and calmly, don't throw yourself into love this quickly. I guarantee that this guy isn't stars over the rainbow for you yet, guys old enough to be professors don't fall in love that fast unless they have the maturity issues I mentioned, otherwise they're going to act more evaluative, be interested but wait until you're actually dating to decide to let himself fall, etc.
So what do you do? You approach him one on one and tell him you'd like him to take you out and get coffee and you'd like to leave the labels "student" and "teacher" behind for the night. Leave the "L" word at home for a few months.
Bottom line, you're a girl, and if he likes you he'll be receptive. Men are alot easier to entice than women, we don't play the games you do.
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