|
Just...depressed and alone.
Hi, sooo. I've been feeling really down lately. Very, very down.
Background story --
i went to three different high schools, and never really kept in touch with people, and graduated with zero friends. i went to a new high school my senior year, and for lunch everyday I either went to the library by myself, or hid in the bathroom. I don't know what's wrong with me but I just like to be by myself. I'm introverted. Quiet, observant, and socially awkward. I participated in some after school activities like drama club so some people know me from that because I used to talk there, but in general I graduated with zero friends, and not even a lot of acquaintances. I guess you could say I was a loner for two years.
Now, I'm in my freshman year of college. I can't even join facebook because, well face it, you need close friends to join so it doesn't look like you're a loner...and I wouldn't want to join facebook anyways, but that's not the problem.
I decided to go to college on the other side of the country (from cali to new york city). The city is great and everything, but I still feel alone. It doesn't help that the college is in New York City because everyone goes home on the weekends, or out of the campus and no one seems to have come as far as I have. It is a tiny college, like an apartment in the city with an attached building to attend classes. It's not a college campus or a typical college experience at all. And I hate it. Most people seem to know/have at most like 4 friends. It has no sense of community at all, so I feel like I'm alive but not living. I feel 100% invisible. It makes me feel like crying a lot because I'm alone and because the only people I talk to are my parents on the phone. I thought college would be a change from my two horrible high school years but it's just the same, if not worse because now I'm alone and away from home.
And I don't mean to be obnoxious or anything, but I am quite attractive, and get attention from guys everywhere. Because I barely have friends, I like the attention because it makes me feel loved, but at the end of the day I realize it is just because of the way I look. I miss how I used to have friends who loved me for me and not because of how beautiful I am or whatever. I used to be not so attractive looking, and quite odd looking until my 18th birthday. Then, I suddenly changed lookswise and suddenly everyone now wants to get to know me but after they discover I'm not that exciting and loud, they don't go further, and I miss having friends who liked me for my personality and not my looks, back in like early high school. I also feel like I'm a little standoffish in my behavior, I don't talk to people a lot. I'm not outgoing, but I'm not shy. I'm just.....there. People in college like me as acquaintances. But again, lots of them like me because I'm pretty. There has to be more to me than just my looks, and I'd really whatever part of me that is to be appreciated instead of superficial things.
Sometimes, I roam the streets of New York alone just because I enjoy getting hit on by strangers, men of all ages, sometimes I'll go to bookstores hoping I can chat up with some cute guys. I get discounts at places because I'm 'pretty', and I've even had a lot of creepy teachers. Don't get me wrong though, I mean I don't do anything with guys, I don't even have a bf. It sucks because most people assume I have one or are intimidated so they don't ask me out. And good looks in my experience attracts the guys who are superficial or just want to hook up. I'm just a flirt/tease. Male attention sort of temporarily distracts me from the fact that in reality I'm all alone. I like the attention because I don't get any other kind. I've gotten addicted to just going out and doing things alone, like shopping...eating...and everywhere I go because like I said, I get attention. My roommate is boring and similar to me and doesn't have many friends here but she has her friends from high school. And maybe I should talk more in general, but I never have exciting stories to tell and I feel like I wish I was more exciting and articulate as well. I wish I could enjoy and want to make friends but this part of me just oddly likes being alone. It's so weird. I guess because it's very 'safe' to be alone - you don't have to put yourself out there. You don't have to be judged. So it's like, I want friends but I don't want friends. Crazy weird, huh? And I've also gotten disinterested in my academics. Like, I maintain a decent gpa, but it could be way better if my mind wasn't so....distracted by my dreams of becoming an actress and by my depression. Academically, I don't feel the motivation to do my best even though I do good, because I want to be an actress and I'm so driven by it it's really all I want to do and all I think about.
I also have this obsession with fame, and I'm an aspiring actress which is partially why I came to the new york city for college. I guess my obsession for fame stems from the fact that I feel like proving people wrong and I've never felt loved and fame is basically being loved to the extreme (unless your famous for something bad but not the kind of fame I want and that I'm referring to). So sometimes I like being alone and focusing on my career. I study movies, I act, and things are looking up in that direction.
But, at the end of the day. I cry. I'd like someone who genuinely loves me and cares about me because of my personality. Getting attention from guys doesn't count anymore, it's superficial as hell. I would really like best friends and perhaps a boyfriend, but I only attract guys who want me for hooking up. And I never do give in, but like I said, I thrive on the attention and I do flirt back.
So, after all is said. Any advice?
[ ]
Want to answer more questions in the Health & Fitness category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Mental health?
I think you figured out your key issue, but didn’t quite narrow in on it:
You might not be happy with the situation, but you find it safe, comfortable and it's your norm.
In order to change it, you are going to have to be willing to take a risk, be uncomfortable, and change what you think of as normal.
To be truly cared for, you must be open to truly caring for someone else, and right now, you aren’t. Even throughout this question you are entirely wrapped up in your own shit, in what goes on in your brain, in what your problem is, what people think of you, and how they treat you. Not a single mention of another human being, as an actual, individual person.
I could give you lots of advice on how to develop friendships, but first step first:
Get the hell out of your own head. Not only is your own brain standing between you and happiness, it doesn’t even sound like a pleasant place to be most of the time.
Take some of this free time you’ve got and go volunteer someplace with people. Help run a bake sale. Help out at a community daycare or kitchen. Hell, you live in NYC! Go volunteer as an usher at theatre or independent movie theatre! Many of them rely on volunteers to take tickets or serve snacks and you’ll be surrounding yourself with people with similar interests.
But just volunteering isn’t enough. While you are doing it, give yourself this task: Ask other people questions about themselves, their views, their hopes and their lives. The goal is to get them to do most of the talking. It’s takes a bit of learning, but if you catch yourself talking too much about yourself, or even flirting with someone, or if the conversation just dies away, instead of just letting things stay the way they are, stop, and think about what that person has said to you and turn it into a question about themselves. Listen to what they say, and ask follow up questions.
(A side note: When a guy starts doing this exact thing to you, trying to get you to talk, and asking follow up questions based on what you say, that’s a big sign they like you as more than just a hook up).
It is hard work, and for a while, you won’t feel comfortable doing it. But it is the way you need to change in order to start connecting with other people. You might never be the social butterfly, who knows everybody, and you don’t have to be, but this is the way to start learning how to connect and have valuable interactions with other human beings. The first place you volunteer or go might not even be the right one for this, but you’ll find your place eventually, and you need too, desperately.
]
Just because you didn't keep in touch with your other friends doesn't mean you can't make new one's they are in your past try and talk to people
at the college give them a chance the only person that can change your life is you your in control if you don't like being alone then change it and make it better be confident believe in yourself confidence is key and it goes a long way don't let your nerves get the best of you everyone gets nervous it's normal if people only like you because of your looks then forget them and move on you don't need people like that in your life :)
]
More Questions: |