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Razhie. Advicenators Member Since: June 13, 2005. Answers: 5077. Visitors: 211514.
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The Question
I'm a 15 year old female physically active with very soon-to-be 18 year old guys. One is a fuck buddy who raped me at age 14 but for some reason after it all happened I was too confused to leave. The other's my good friend. They're both 18 in less than a month. Is this illegal and, if so, am I putting either of them in any danger?
thanks
The Answer
It depends on your state, and/or country, however, in most places, the only person you are clearly endangering is yourself.
Please, stop. Casual sex is fine when you are being respectful and confident in your behavoir. Carrying on a sexual relationship with someone who raped you isn't respectful of yourself, and certainly doesn't seem like something a confident or secure person would do.
When you get confused you shouldn't just keep on doing what you are doing, You should stop and figure it out before you get in deeper. Take a break from sex and another look at the role you've given sex in your life. Even from this brief question, it doesn't sound like it's a positive thing for you at the moment.
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The Question
my boyfriend and i are doin very bad latley yet weve ben going out for a year and a half this month.. if we ever do text hes fighting with me and we havent hungout in two weeks he so easily blows me off. but friday were going out to eat for our bdays, saturday is his birthday, sunday is his superbowl party, our dance is the 13th and my birthday is the 14th. he even said no presents. my friends took me out nearly everyday the last two weeks and this weekend i didnt come home and went to a few clean parties i skipped raves, not to fuel the fire. they say hes being an ass whole plus he wont give a reason. they say forget him even ignore his birthday. what do i do. could he be trying to make me breakup with him? should i stay with him for our bdays and all this to see if it would fix it by us seeing eachother? or will he ruin it. we used to be so close, we were eachothers firsts passed kissing. i dont want to get hurt anymore but i still love him, i really really love him
The Answer
Who knows what he might do or think? If you don't know, certainly no one here has a shot of figuring it out!
But ignoring him on his birthday with be a bitchy move and you both deserve better than that after so long together. See what develops this week, and stick to the plans you've already made.
We all get hurt in love sometimes. The best thing you can do, is behave as best as you can. So, even if you do get hurt, you can hold your head high knowing you were honest and respectful of your partner. Not that you played games or disrespected them each time you started to feel hurt.
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The Question
22/f. He's 24.
Okay. So, this is gonna sound bad, but...I have a psychiatrist colleague and a diagnostic manual at my disposal. I figured out that my (ex...?)boyfriend has Personality Disorder with Borderline and Narcissistic traits. I'm not just saying this because we've had problems. He actually fits ALL of the Narcissistic criteria, and most of the Borderline.
Basically, that means he's very self-centered and extremely unstable. This is not why I'm breaking up with him. It just isn't working anymore. I'm sure those contribute to it, but yeah.
Anyway. My problem is, after working VERY HARD to convince myself to end the relationship, I did. But when I did that, he bombarded me with both nasty and pleading e-mails and IMs. I got so sick of it, I finally said to him, "Maybe it doesn't have to be permanent. Maybe we can just take a couple of months, and try again."
I even convinced him to do counseling with me if we were to ever try again, but...
Knowing he has these deep-seated issues makes me really not want to try again, because there's no way he can fix these things. He has a disorder; he can't make me happy, even if he wants to.
How do I explain this to him without coming out and saying I think he has a disorder, and without having him spaz out at me and drive me batty?
Thanks.
The Answer
If you aren't able to end a relationship that is bad for you, then that is squarely on you. That is something you need to own and change for yourself.
His ability to be bat-shit crazy, and your ability to dump his ass, are two completely separate variables with almost no bearing on one another at all. Don't imagine that your ability to stand up for what you want is contingent on how crazy he is. It would be really, really sad if we lived in a world where we could only stand up for what we wanted when the other person made it easy.
Most people you dump in your life will be some kind of crazy or another over it. This guy being a particular kind of super-powered crazy shouldn't change a thing from your end: You dump him because you don't want to be with him. You don't try to make it work because you don't want to make it work. He doesn't drive you batty because you don't allow him the opportunity too. And he stays dumped because you keep him that way.
Last time you fucked up and you gave in to him. That might make this time harder, because you've taught him not to take your dumps seriously. But don't give in this time. Stand your ground, stay broken up. Block his technological advances and ignore what you can't block. You don't sound as though your concerned for your safety, but if you are, take some precautions at your home and work, and steel yourself to call the police if his behavior becomes truly erratic.
I'm sorry that there is no magic trick to staying out a relationship with someone: You just don't agree to date them.
If you want to lie through your teeth to him about the reasons you are breaking up with him, fine. But frankly, you can list all the behavior you have a problem with without telling him your layman's diagnosis. And more importantly, you can own your own feelings about the situation and be brutally clear about them: You don't want to be with him, under any circumstances, ever. Why? Because you just plain old don't want too!
Don't let yourself come up with any more excuses, you don't need a list of 'good reasons' to break up, and no more worrying about how to be 'nice'. Nice is over and done with, and breakups are always hard, and will always involve at least a little bit of putting up with the other persons crazy (at least for a few mintutes until you hang up and block all his numbers...). Accept that, and just go get what you want. You want out. Go get out. Stay out.
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The Question
Basically, there's a guy I'm friends with, and we like each other.
We tell each other that all the time, we always talk, hang out and have a laugh etc.
This has been going on for like three years now, and nothing has happened for many reasons (please don't get into that, that's for a different question haha)but we still are really good friends, and know we like each other etc, like I said.
The problem is, sometimes he's a complete immature ass, actually not even sometimes, more often than not. I just deal with it, I mean guys will be guys etc, but it's gotten too much lately, and he's started to tease my friends and stuff, which really isn't on, so I'm thinking just forget about it completely, he's not worth any trouble.
It'll be hard after so long, but at the end of the day a guy that disses your friends isn't worth your time.
What are your opinions on this, am I overreacting, or is it a fair decision?
Thanks
The Answer
I don't think you are over reacting, but I do think if you really like somebody, the deserve a few warning shots fired before the out-right dumping.
It is normal for people to go through phases where they are espcailly agressive or belittling to others in their teens. It's also normal for these people's friends to say "Okay, not funny anymore. Stop being an asshole."
In your position, I'd give him the chance to turn it around. A straight up conversation of "Remember when you said that and that, I don't think it's cool. I like you a lot less when you diss my friends."
If it's just a phase, he'll probably back down and realize he took normal teasing and gossiping too far. If he is simply an asshole, you'll have your answer, and his asshole-response will probably make getting over him an easier task.
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The Question
I have been called a hoe and a prostitute because my two sisters been having sex since 13. I'm thinking about just having sex to get back at them. I'm still a virgin tho but I'm ready to get back at them and I feel that's the only way..
The Answer
You are going to get back at your sisters, by making the EXACT same mistakes they did!?
Really? You can't think of a better way?
If I got called named because my sister totalled her car, I wouldn't go out and total mine to 'get back at her'. I'd drive really carefully and rub it in her face that I'm not a dumbass behind the wheel.
Seriously, use your imgination. You can do better than that.
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The Question
This guy I was together with said he thought he had liked me and that he wanted a serious relationship, but he changed his mind and doesn't want that. Basically, he just wants to hook up and he pretty much dumped me for a slut. He said he wanted to be friends still and I want to, but he won't talk to me! He ended it 2 weeks ago and I've talked to him twice and I initiated it both times. It wasn't anything big just small talk. He's also a recovering smoker and he'll have mints when he wants a cigarettes. One day, my friend gave me some mints so I gave them to him. He said thanks but that's it. I don't get it. He'll say hi to me in school but he won't talk to me but he wants to be friends. Why is he taking no action?
The Answer
Because he doesn't actually want to be your friend.
At least, not yet, or else, not the way you think of ‘friends’.
Or maybe, the only kind of 'friends' he wants to be in the kind that occasionally says hi in the hall. More acquaintances, then friends.
Just let it go. There are a million reasons why he isn’t trying to maintain a friendship. You’ll never know which ones are his. The only thing you can know for sure is that he doesn’t want to.
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The Question
i'll try to keep this short:
me: 19/f/asian, i consider myself a decent gf/gf material.
i want to know exactly why i get screwed over by guys all the time. i get responses like, "we've grown apart" or "i think we should stop talking for a while, i need to focus on myself". i've been hurt over and over and i'm starting to think something's either wrong with me or every guy i meet just finds a way to hurt me.
so, now, i met this new guy (23, cute, asian, etc) and he's very sweet to me, jokes around, got pretty comfy with me fast. how do i know he won't hurt me like the others?
The Answer
There are no guarantees in life.
The moment you let someone get close, you are risking they might hurt you, betray you, reject you... You could go and and live like a hermit in a cave someplace, or you can take that risk.
Mimize the risk by using the experience your life has given you, and look for similar patterns, to see if history might repeat itself with this guy. Don’t invest yourself too quickly in something new. Keep your head above water and don’t dive into too much emotional commitment until you know you are both on the same page.
The simple truth of the universe is that all relationships will end, until the one that doesn’t.
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The Question
I am 39 years old female with 3 children (ages 13, 10,& 7) from my 10 year marriage that ended about 3 years ago. I met a younger man who I really fell hard for. We had a child together. Our son is now 1. My son's father really wanted this child. This is his first child.
My ex-husband was abusive through-out our marriage, but was a good provider and he has remained very active in our children's lives after our divorce. The father of my 1 year old is unemployed and was abusive to me, so I left him. I have now seen him in 10 months. He had some problems, but he says he has changed and that he loves me and his child and that it is not right that I am keeping his child from him. My parents and my children do not like him.
I still have some feelings for him and can not seem to forget about him even though I have stayed strong and not answered the phone when he calls, but I sometimes feel I am robbing my son of his father and I would like some help in raising my son sometimes. I sometimes want my youngest child to know his father like my other 3 do. Should I continue to keep my son from his father? My family would be very upset if I allow him to see his son.
The Answer
You have two separate problems here.
The first problem, is that you still have feelings for someone you probably shouldn't ever be in a relationship with again.
The second problem, is that you are denying your youngest son's father visitation.
Although these problems are tied together in your mind, they are actually very separate issues, and you need to look at them as such.
Your young son's father might never be the kind of dad you'd hope for your son, but he is his dad still. Unless there was a safety reason to deny him visitation, you are legally (and I think morally) obligated to let the son and father know one another. His dad has legal rights, and your son has the right to know his dad too. It's wrong of you to stand in the way of that because of your personal feelings. The only OK reason to do that, would be if his father was dangerous to him.
However, you need to make sure that just because you do the right thing, by letting your youngest son know his father, doesn't mean you end up doing the wrong thing, by rushing back into a relationship that was abusive and wrong for you. It sounds like you have a family who will support you on this, so explain your position to them “I”m letting him see his son, he isn't going to start seeing me again.” And stick to it.
You have a habit of falling in with abusive men. You should probably seek therapy to help you break that pattern, and to help you deal with having this man in your life for your son's sake, without you falling back into a destructive relationship.
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The Question
Is it really true that sperm dies when it hits air?
Could you only answer if you are 100% sure?
The Answer
Sperm don't die when they hit air.
That is a myth. Sperm can survive outside of the human body. Doctors have reported sperm outside of the body living for as long as several hours, depending on the environment.
In the right enviroment, sperm are resilient little buggers. For instance, they can survive a whole week inside of a women's body. If they don't have the protection of a human body, man or woman's, they usually die between a 1/2 hour and four hours. Basically, you can be certain sperm in dead, when the semen is dry. Dried sperm is dead sperm.
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The Question
Hi. So I think my girlfriend may have made a facebook profile of a fake person in order to talk to me as another person.
A few years ago I was given a website of someones whose location was supposed to be private. However I was able to find out where they were from becuase of the background information on that website which I am thinking was private. It was like my friend was able to track down the computer that the website was created on and we found out that way (we know the location was right cuz they told us later fwhere they were from).
Anyway, I was wondering if that was possible. It says on the persons facebook that she is from a certain city in our state but is there a way I can go beyond what her profile says and see where it was really made?
I dont want to hear anything bad about my gf or get the advice to break up with her. I also dont want to hear that I should talk to the facebook girl or to my girlfriend to find out myself. I dont want to hear that its a bad idea or illegal (which I dont think it is) to find out where the website (or in this case facebook profile) was actually made. I only want to know HOW to find that information. And in good detail would be great. Im not too good with computers. Thanks.
The Answer
It sounds like you looked up the domain name registration details for the site a few years ago.
That is not possible with Facebook. Facebook is it's own site, and the people who use it are just the people who use it, they are registering their name or information with any government agency like you have to do when you own a domain name. So the only information you'll probably find like that is for Facebook's head offices in California...
What you are asking for cannot be done legally, and likely just plain out can't be done at all. It would require accessing parts of Facebook's privately stored information (if they even bother to store anything like that kind of information, which the probably don't do in a way that would be much help to you unless you knew exactly what clues you were looking for...)
Looking up a the person a website's domain name is owned by, which is public information, is totally legal.
Trying to uncover information from a website on one of their users protected by that domain's privacy policy, definitely not legal.
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The Question
So my husband and i have had so many problems last year....infidelities, anger, insecurities, unsolved problems, stress etc...and i can see it taking its toll on his part of the marriage.
I still struggle as well, we both are. But despite all our problems we are still trying very hard for the marriage because our feelings for each other are still going strong. So everyday we are fine with each other, we do talk about our problems sometimes but when we get in a fight, he cant seem to control his anger....
There were several times last year where hed leave me with a ugly bruise or two on my arm or marks on my wrists from being grabbed....i never thought id be in this sort of situation but at the same time i didnt find it too serious. I got more accustomed to it.
Lately its been getting worse & i believe the entire time i knew how worse it would most likely get was just being in denial. Hes choked me once before, and again just last night which was the worse of the two...everything has been leaving me so confused about my feelings towards him & he says hes not proud of himself for it. Hes told me that i should leave the house for a little while because he doesnt want to hurt me in any physical way anymore than he has, but i have problems with staying with other people, my friends & family are nowhere near where we live.
At the same time i dont even think this is too serious right now, i actually think that its probably my fault because of how angery he is & all the things he was made to put up with. He says he cant control it, am i just being blind?
How can i deal with this while not leaving for a while? Or deal with it at all....?? Please help i dont know what to make of this...
The Answer
You are being blind, and what is worse, so is he.
You are being blind to the depth of your husbands problems...
He says he is not proud of himself? Not good enough.
He should be completely ashamed, cowed and disgusted with himself. 'Not proud' is not nearly good enough, it shows that he doesn't grasp the seriousness of what he has done.
Also, he CAN help himself. That is a disgusting cop out of a lie. He wasn't brainwashed, or controlled by some alien brain bug. Adults can always control their behavior. They can choose not to drink, or not to yell, they can choose to go into another room or walk away from a fight when they get to angry. Again, this is evidence he doesn't grasp his own behavior and refuses take responsibly for it.
And the evidence that YOU are being blind: You actually are beginning to think you deserve this?
Insane. No one deserves to be physically assaulted in their own home. If people deserved it sometimes, it would only be a crime 'sometimes'. It's not, it's a crime all the time. Even the most bitchy, monstrous person, doesn't deserve to live in fear for their physical safety at home. That is never okay, it is never justified.
I think one of you probably should leave, and you both should seeking counseling while you are apart. Asking for a break is the only sensible thing your husband has done so far. It's the only thing that comes close to him recognizing the seriousness of what he has done.
If that means one of your has to move into a motel, fine. If that means you need to wait it out for a few weeks before you can arrange for some time off to go home to your family, fine. But start making a plan now where you two are physically separated, and insist on counseling. If he wont go, fine, go yourself.
This is extremely serious, and it's going to damage you in ways you can't even imagine yet. Get out, get some distance, and make your decisions about how to move forward from a safe vantage point. You are thinking clearly from the middle of this mess.
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The Question
to Invade Iraq?
There's so much evidence. It is really pissing me off.. how the government is getting away with this. Why did we go to war with Iraq? to steal their oil? like all those people they are killing.. you cannot fight a "war on terror". you cant fight against people's emotions. if you want people to start liking america you think fighting a war with them, killing their people and destroying their land is going to make them love us? bloody idiots. it will only make more people want to join those groups that want to attack America. its okay for people to have a religion as long as they are tolerant of the other beliefs people have.. the whole Taliban and Al Qaeda thing isnt the first time people had extreme beliefs they want to enforce on others. America is guilty of that themselves anyways. And when I say America, I'm referring to the government and whoever decides these matters. Like just because a country doesn't believe in capitalism and democracy, we should punish them! like cuba! because what america says is the only right thing in this world! bullllllllll shiiiiit. Why are things so difficult.. why do we have democrats and republicans? maybe we need philosophers to be in office. i mean it was philosophers who like made those early Patriots want to rebel against british rule back in the revolutionary war. now its republican this, democrat that. why do people have to put themselves in these little boxes like that? why cant people just all talk together about whats the best thing for the country and the world.. but no they get corrupted and are greedy. america talks about how corrupt other governments are when we are very corrupt ourselves. im sick of the hypocrises. why cant people man up. Im hoping Obama and the administration can just get the job done. Like there are some people who hate obama and want all these bad things to happen to him. like hello what the hell, that is just anti american. because if our president and the administration effs up, then WE pay the price!!! who wants that? so everyone better be hoping obama is good.. and yeah i think its sad there are some republicans who just want him to fail like that and then claim they are super american and everything. like same with bush.. like i think he was one of our worst presidents but while he was president i was still hoping he'd do good, despite what happened in the past. Honestly, I wish I could be a president so I could set things straight. But I wasnt born in America (UK. i live in America now though cause my parents moved my family here) and there's too much.. petty things that get in the way. But yeah, that ends my rant.
The Answer
There is no rational reason to think the US planned 9/11.
Frankly, they simply don't have their shit that together. Couldn't clean up Orleans, couldn't convince the UN or find bin Laden... They just aren't capable of that kind of wide-scale secrecy and coordinated attack. I'm not sure any government could pull it off, certainly not the Bush admin. Too many people would have to be in the know and someone would blow the whistle if the government was actually involved. They just weren't directly involved.
Of course, after the fact, the tragedy of 9/11 was obviously used to justify some actions that hindsight has shown it was not actually a valid justification for. I think most people can agree to that now.
I think everything else you said here makes a lot of sense. You are right that the philosophy, both conservative and liberal and every other kind of political philosophy that inspired the founding fathers has been pretty much shit all over in the last few years. Politicians are acting like they are playing a dirty game of cards, where they will do anything to 'win' for their side, even lie and frighten people, instead of being part of a responsible government for the people.
Just because you can't be president doesn't mean you can't help. The president isn't all powerful! Look at what a hard time Obama is having doing what he thinks would be right. It's not like he just gets to fix everything in accordance with his ideas just 'cause he's the president! There are many other people involved in helping to make their communities better. You can do little things: Volunteer for organizations you think are important, even political candidates if there is one you really believe in. Even just standing up to people you age, when they buy into some of the mindless hate going on in American politics right now, and saying “Hold up a second. There are two sides to that story! Even if you don't agree with what they are doing, demonizing them doesn't make sense!”
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The Question
On facebook I get a lot of group invites saying "INVITE ALL YOUR FRIENDS TO THE GROUP AND YOU WILL BE ABLE TO SEE WHO VISITS YOUR PROFILE!!!!!"
I was just wondering if any of this crap actually WORKS or if it's some stupid spam that has gotten around because poeple believe it will work.
The Answer
It's all fake.
Even if someone could make an application (not a group, or a fan page, it would absolutely have to be an app or something you download for it even to have a shot in hell of actually working) that could do this, Facebook would shut it down as soon as they found out, and probably slap the person who made it with a rather large lawsuit, because it would be the equivalent of hacking into their system and accessing data that Facebook has promised it's users to keep private.
So, don't bother joining and don't download anything that claims to be able to do this. It's either a harmless scam, or a harmful virus.
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The Question
I have recently checked out my dollar bill, and it has multiple signs of masonic stuff! Like, for example, the owl in the corner?!? wtf is that all about? The all seeing eye? And goerge Bush holding up the Devil horns?!? My question is, what is going to happen? Is there going to be a masonic, satanic eader that controls the whole world?
The Answer
I hope you are trying to make a joke, but in case you are serious: No, absolutely not.
There is a great deal of meaning on the symbols on the $1 bill, but they have nothing to do with ancient Egypt, the Freemasons, or with the occult, or with reptile aliens (all of which I have heard of before, and all of which are nonsense.)
If you want to begin to read about the REAL meaning of the these symbols, as they were intended by their creators, this is a great article:
http://www.usatoday.com/news/washington/2008-02-12-4056527724_x.htm
I know that conspiracy theories are so much more fun than simple truth, and you'll find lots of crazies out there who are willing to agree with you, but the idea of a 'New World Order' is a myth, and a very American myth that very few other people on the planet pay much attention too, because it's just not happening (and even if some group out there is trying, they are seriously failing.)
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The Question
I am having issues with my roommate, and we have only been living together for a week. We met in class, and she asked if I needed a roommate. She seemed like a very nice person- very helpful, studious, friendly...but now that we live together, I am seeing a very different side of her, and I cannot stand it.
For one thing, she is incredibly critical of many things, no matter how miniscule the issue. She is incredibly cheap as well- EVERYTIME, literally EVERYTIME we've gone out to eat, she obsesses over the bill, how much tip we should pay, if we overpayed, etc., etc., she is SUCH a perfectionist in so many aspects, and will count down to the last cent. It's ridiculous. AND, to top things off, it seems she has ulterior motives, and it really gets to me. We have a few classes together, and out of the BLUE, NOWHWERE, she asked if i was going to switch sections for one class, OBVIOUSLY because she didn't want to spend all day in class with me, then come home and see me again...well, guess what, I don't want to see her all day either.
SHe will smile, and give you puppy dog eyes, and to the outsider, she's absolutely wonderful, but once you see her true colors, it's a different story. Say she wants something- she WILL find a way to get it, with a smile and kind eyes, of course, very sneaky little snake, she is. I am stressed out enough as it is, and to have to deal with her shit is too much to handle. In short, she is stingy as hell, a total perfectionist, has a crapload of ulterior motives, all behind her "niceness." WHAT DO I DO??
The Answer
Start looking to move.
The stress of moving isn't so bad as the stress of living there. Take a look at the contract you signed and figure out when you can get out. If you didn't sign a contract, most states tenant agreements would require you to give 60 days notice.
In the meantime, don't eat with her, and switch sections. I mean, why not switch sections? Yes, it's a pain to give in to her horrible behavoir, but it's less of a pain then actually putting up with her more than nessicary.
So, give notice and start counting down your 60 days, or figuring out how to otherwise break the lease and find a replacement roomie for the nutbag, and in the mean time, do everything reasonable to keep the peace.
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The Question
okay im gonna make this as simple as i can. (i hope)
so theres this guy lets call him jake. me and him went out and broke up because he was pushing me to do things i didn't want to do. well he's been trying to get back with me. but i keep saying no. because honestly im not happy with him and im not gonna be with someone who im not happy with. well like i said he keeps trying to get with me. well the other night he calls me. and is like "i need a favor" im thinking something simple you know like borrow money something like that. but no. he says. "see my friend rodney needs a date to the dance" (were having a 8th grade dance at our school they call it the farewell dance.) okay but anyways i tell him no. because well first off. i dont know his friend. and i dont even know if im going. he keeps begging me and begging me. but still i tell him no. and i told him that if i was gonna go im gonna go with someone i at least know like this kid named...lets call him taylor. but thats a diff. situation that im gonna ask in another thingy. but anyways why is this guy jake gonna ask me to go with his friend when he's been trying to get with me for ohhh i dont know the past hmm THREE weeks. ugh i dont know. and im confused. im not gonna go with him or any of his friends. so i guess i just want to know why you think he did this??
i would say its a really stupid move!!!!!!
anyways please and thank you.
-cuttechick24
The Answer
He's an idiot scum bag who likes to bully.
Honestly, just stop talking to him all togeather. Don't take his calls, ignore him online. He's a jerk and a bully who just wants to see what he can get from you.
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The Question
If your a minor and pregnant at 16 can you be emmancipated in the state of Michigan? i dont want a whole bunch of why are you doing this and all that, I would just like a simple answer to my question.
please and thank you
-cuttechick24
The Answer
You probably can’t.
In order to be emancipated in Michigan (without your parents’ permission, it’s a bit different if they want you emancipated…) you have to have fulfilled the following conditions:
You must be at least sixteen.
You must not be currently supported by your parents.
You must prove that you can manage your financial affairs (that means being employed generally. It also means that you aren’t currently, nor would you likely need to be on social assistance if you were emancipated).
That you can manage your social and personal needs (i.e., you can get yourself to and from doctors appointments, you seem generally competent and are mentally healthy.)
Finally, you have to prove that emancipation is in your best interest.
So you see it’s extremely unlikely that you’ll be able to be emancipated. Very few 16 year olds could fulfil ALL those requirements, and if you are pregnant, you are even less likely to convince a judge that you are capable of doing all of those things (30 year old pregnant women could hardly do all those things by herself!). Also, it’s important to remember that emancipation isn’t about saying “But Hey! My best friend’s family will take care of me!” If your best friend’s family will take care of you, that’s fine. The court doesn’t really give a damn. Go live with them and at sixteen years of age there is little your parents can do about it as long as they know where you are and you are safe. Emancipation is about proving that YOU, and only you, all by yourself, are capable of taking care of EVERYTHING, and you probably aren’t that capable right now.
If you are being hurt at home, call child’s services. If you are struggling with your parents and the pregnancy, call a support line for teen parents and get someone involved so you can make sure you and your baby are safe and supported. If you need to live some place other than home, open that discussion with your parents. There are lots of tools and supports out there for you, depending on what it is you need, but emancipation isn’t the right tool to deal with these problems.
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The Question
(20/f). My boyfriend and I have been together for over a year, on and off. I really do love him, and we've talked about the future a LOT- moving in together, getting married, all that jazz. He treats me better than any guy I've ever dated, and I can tell he really loves me. Our families know each other and we each feel comfortable with each others friends- it's nearly a perfect situation. THe downsides are, he and I don't have a lot in common.. He doesn't like reading, I do. He hates the movies and music I absolutely love. And he doesn't want to be an organ donor, which is something I'm very upset about. There are a few other differences too.
The few breaks we have had, however, have all occured because there's a BIG part of me that will never stop having feelings for my best male friend, the guy I lost my virginity to when I was 16. This guy has always been my greatest downfall- My dream guy, except that he's always involved with another girl when I'm willing to be with him. My friends and family don't trust him or like him because we had a huge fight about 2 years ago, and only recently started speaking last fall. He hurt me more than anyone, but now we're better than ever. Well now he's single and he keeps telling me how he does love me and how when he's trully over his most recent ex, he can see the two of us being together. He and I have almost everything in common and we always have an amazing time when we hang out.
I told my bf how conflicted I was, because I love both of them a LOT. He told me I could either never speak to my friend again, or he would dump me. It's impossible. As of right now, my bf thinks I'm no longer speaking to my friend, but I've been texting and hanging out with him behind his back =/ Really bad, I know.. it feels like I'm practically cheating. I know it can't keep happening and I know I'll need to make a choice.
Do I pick my boyfriend, who wants to marry me and take care of me and all my needs? Who's sweet and caring and concerned about me but who hates my best friend, and doesn't have much in common with me?
Or do I pick my best friend, the boy who loves everything I love, the one who I can share my soul with and who always makes me laugh? The one who none of my friends and family care for?
The Answer
You aren't 'practically cheating' Hun, you ARE cheating. You are betraying your partner in just as serious a way as if you were sleeping with this guy.
No one else can make this choice for you.
Frankly, I think if the choice isn't obvious, then maybe neither is right for you.
It shouldn't really be much a contest between the guy who loves you and wants to be with you forever, and the friend who occasionally treats you like crud, makes you wait and has never shown his ability to actually commit to you…
One of these guys is clinging to you, the other is playing with you. If you can’t choose between ‘em, maybe neither of them is a good choice as a life partner…
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The Question
I'm a Christian but I love translating my dreams. Do you think translating dreams would be against God's word or that he wouldn't like that?
Thanks :)
The Answer
There are examples of interpreting dreams in the bible... So, unless there is something particular in your sect of Christianity that looks down on dream interpretation, I can't imagine why there would be anything wrong with it.
However, most 'dream interpretation' stuff is bullshit. Dreams are just a collection of images based on the exercises our brain does at night. They are perfectly natural, and don’t have much meaning beyond “Hey! Look what my subconscious cooked up for me today!” It's cool to enjoy dream interpretation, but keep it to enjoyment okay? There is a lot of nonsense online, and taking it more seriously than that is just silly.
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The Question
My wife and I recently can home from out to dinner and found my 14 year old son and his 14 year old girl friend in the family room on the floor having sex. To be honest we did not come in on them for about 5 minutes because we went straight to our room and kept hearing "something" and finally went out and there they were completly naked and had obviously been active for at least all of the time we were there - and for a while before. There were two used condoms on the floor and my son was using a third.
Yes they stopped when we came and. We told them to get dressed and clean up. We called his girl friends parents and discussed the situation with them. They said that they had been having safe sex for six months. She too is on the pill while he uses a condom. I am ashamed to say they are more careful then his mother and I were when we were young. They are good kids and do have a happy healthy relationship together (without the sex). We do not want them having sex at such a young age but we are not sure if putting up an "iron curtain" between the two of them is the answer - the girl friends parents agree too. We can use some advice.
Thanks
The Answer
Do you really expect them to stop?
They aren't going to stop. Really, they aren't. That would be an unrealistic expectation. If you make them promise, they will break that promise. Unless you do put up an 'iron curtain' (and I agree with you all that it would be very inappropriate to do so) they aren't going to stop knocking boots.
Here is what I think you should do:
Applaud your son for being so responsible. Really and seriously, as uncomfortable as you are with this, he deserves serious kudos for being responsible and practicing safe sex. Give him the praise he deserves for that.
Let him know you aren’t comfortable, and don’t think it’s appropriate to be having sex at this age, HOWEVER, don’t force him to agree, and let him know that you won’t be forcing him to stop. Sharing your values makes sense. Trying to be draconian about enforcing them on him would be pointless (they will still find ways to have sex if they really want too) and would be destructive to an open and loving relationship between you and your son.
You should also ask him some pointed questions about worse case scenarios, like: What do you think will happen if she gets pregnant? This isn’t an accusation; it’s a real question for your son. What does he think? Does he think you’ll support him? What do they think about abortion? Do they understand what is legally available and where? (Skip the abortion issue if you feel you should, but I think it’s still an important, and respectful thing to know how your son and his girlfriend feel about this issue.) Does he think he’ll still be able to go to school if she has a baby? This conversation isn’t to scare him or blame him; it’s to get him seriously thinking about his values, and the possible consequences of his actions.
They should both have a physical check-up and an STD check (of course, you can only make this recommendation to the other family…) Not because you think they have an STD, no, of course they almost definitely don't. You make them do it because it's part of being a responsible sexually active adult. They should know what is it like, what to expect, and you should give them this opportunity to each ask their doctors any questions they might have about sex in a private way.
There should be a firm talk about what is appropriate sexual behaviour when you live with other people. I’ve had roommates, and it’s not okay to have sex in the common areas, that’s just rude. It’s just as rude with their families. Tell them you expect them to confine their behaviour to their own bedrooms and private spaces. The whole house is not their playground and that you expect them to be courteous about the noise they make when other people are in the house. Having sex, while your parents are home, in a public room, is rude. They should be told as much and should be much, much more careful to be respectful of others in the future. Perhaps you will want to think up consequences if they ignore these house rules.
I sympathize with you, and of course it’s fine and right that you don’t want them having sex. I agree that 14 is full young, but I also have to add that I started having safe sex at 13. It’s not something I’d recommend to youth and I wouldn’t want my kid doing it that young HOWEVER, because my parents were respectful and honest with me, and got me serious medical advice, and respected my opinions even when they disagreed with me, I never had a problem or a serious scare. Also, I knew what my parents would put up with and what they wouldn’t when it came to sex, and that really helped.
So, I think you need to recognize that it is a hopeless cause to try and make them stop. You simply don’t have that kind of power. They are young people who can, and will, have sex if they want too, and you can’t change what they want with rules or limitations. The best thing you can do is have a respectful conversation about your own values, and listen to his with respect even if they are different than yours, and start to teach him how to be a responsible sexually active young adult. The nice thing is, you’ve obviously done some of that work already.
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