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How do you tell a borderline guy "it's over"?
22/f. He's 24.
Okay. So, this is gonna sound bad, but...I have a psychiatrist colleague and a diagnostic manual at my disposal. I figured out that my (ex...?)boyfriend has Personality Disorder with Borderline and Narcissistic traits. I'm not just saying this because we've had problems. He actually fits ALL of the Narcissistic criteria, and most of the Borderline.
Basically, that means he's very self-centered and extremely unstable. This is not why I'm breaking up with him. It just isn't working anymore. I'm sure those contribute to it, but yeah.
Anyway. My problem is, after working VERY HARD to convince myself to end the relationship, I did. But when I did that, he bombarded me with both nasty and pleading e-mails and IMs. I got so sick of it, I finally said to him, "Maybe it doesn't have to be permanent. Maybe we can just take a couple of months, and try again."
I even convinced him to do counseling with me if we were to ever try again, but...
Knowing he has these deep-seated issues makes me really not want to try again, because there's no way he can fix these things. He has a disorder; he can't make me happy, even if he wants to.
How do I explain this to him without coming out and saying I think he has a disorder, and without having him spaz out at me and drive me batty?
Thanks.
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If you aren't able to end a relationship that is bad for you, then that is squarely on you. That is something you need to own and change for yourself.
His ability to be bat-shit crazy, and your ability to dump his ass, are two completely separate variables with almost no bearing on one another at all. Don't imagine that your ability to stand up for what you want is contingent on how crazy he is. It would be really, really sad if we lived in a world where we could only stand up for what we wanted when the other person made it easy.
Most people you dump in your life will be some kind of crazy or another over it. This guy being a particular kind of super-powered crazy shouldn't change a thing from your end: You dump him because you don't want to be with him. You don't try to make it work because you don't want to make it work. He doesn't drive you batty because you don't allow him the opportunity too. And he stays dumped because you keep him that way.
Last time you fucked up and you gave in to him. That might make this time harder, because you've taught him not to take your dumps seriously. But don't give in this time. Stand your ground, stay broken up. Block his technological advances and ignore what you can't block. You don't sound as though your concerned for your safety, but if you are, take some precautions at your home and work, and steel yourself to call the police if his behavior becomes truly erratic.
I'm sorry that there is no magic trick to staying out a relationship with someone: You just don't agree to date them.
If you want to lie through your teeth to him about the reasons you are breaking up with him, fine. But frankly, you can list all the behavior you have a problem with without telling him your layman's diagnosis. And more importantly, you can own your own feelings about the situation and be brutally clear about them: You don't want to be with him, under any circumstances, ever. Why? Because you just plain old don't want too!
Don't let yourself come up with any more excuses, you don't need a list of 'good reasons' to break up, and no more worrying about how to be 'nice'. Nice is over and done with, and breakups are always hard, and will always involve at least a little bit of putting up with the other persons crazy (at least for a few mintutes until you hang up and block all his numbers...). Accept that, and just go get what you want. You want out. Go get out. Stay out.
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You're mistaken when it comes to disorders.
They can be overcome. I myself have Type 2 Bipolar Disorder and OCD. I also have a loving fiance who I have been with for the last 4 years through thick and thin. It's taken extraordinary amounts of work on both my and his behalf.
Thing is, he needs to WANT to change. If he goes to counselling, they may be able to diagnose him. If he understands what's wrong with him, he can work to make it better. It takes a lot of soul-searching and self-analysis, and he may not be willing to do so.
You also need to be willing to change. If you attend counselling with him, you can learn how to help him change and how to deal with his difficulties.
If this is his only problem, then he can make you happy. Disorders are not a character flaw. They're something you develop over time or are born with. Keep in mind that it's not his fault unless he refuses to change.
Stay with him for a while. Give him that push to start the change. Give him the ultimatum; counselling or nothing.
If you do need to break up with him (i.e. he decides that he's perfect and doesn't need to change) then be firm.
No bargaining, no pleading. He's used to the emotional upper hand, and you need to take it away from him. Tell him you've made the decision and that you're not changing your mind. Then walk away.
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Edit time!
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First off, cut ties definitively. Tell him that it is over, that you are done. He will try to argue this with you. Use his viewpoints against him. He says that you're the unhappy one. You are! If he tries to pin the blame on you, tell him that he's right; you ARE unhappy, and you're doing something to change that by leaving him. He might get the idea.
You said that he chases you down relentlessly. Don't let him. You really need to be firm. He's convinced, because of his disorders, that you don't really want to dump him, that you're making a mistake. Thing is, you know you're not. Don't try to be "just friends", because you can't do that with a person like him. He's going to manipulate you and lie to you to get what he wants. Cut off communications. Block his number or any number he calls you from, delete him from online messenger lists, let your friends know that you've cut ties with him and don't want to hear anything from him. Ignore him entirely. If he shows up at your house, don't talk to him. If he turns violent, call the police.
It sounds awful and horrible, but he's got a disorder that makes him awful and horrible, and incredibly dense when it comes to understanding the workings of relationships.
No judgment here based on age, by the way. I'm 22 as well, and I've been dealing with this crap for ages from the disordered person's end. Fortunately, I've just had the most wonderful patient fiance in the world, and that's why I'm now able to be here.
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