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14 Year Old Son Sex
My wife and I recently can home from out to dinner and found my 14 year old son and his 14 year old girl friend in the family room on the floor having sex. To be honest we did not come in on them for about 5 minutes because we went straight to our room and kept hearing "something" and finally went out and there they were completly naked and had obviously been active for at least all of the time we were there - and for a while before. There were two used condoms on the floor and my son was using a third.
Yes they stopped when we came and. We told them to get dressed and clean up. We called his girl friends parents and discussed the situation with them. They said that they had been having safe sex for six months. She too is on the pill while he uses a condom. I am ashamed to say they are more careful then his mother and I were when we were young. They are good kids and do have a happy healthy relationship together (without the sex). We do not want them having sex at such a young age but we are not sure if putting up an "iron curtain" between the two of them is the answer - the girl friends parents agree too. We can use some advice.
Thanks
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Everyone else kind of covered everything but I have 2 suggestions. I would not say, "No Sex" but I would explain how important birth control is. One other idea my mom's friend did with her kids is she took them to Wal-mart into the baby section and showed them how much all the baby items (crib, diapers etc) cost and then explained to them how much they would make in a minimum wage job and all of the financial responsibilities of a baby.
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From experience I can tell you that telling your kid they aren't allowed to do something makes them want to do it more, and they're going to do it anyway no matter how much they have to sneak around. It's really a crappy situation knowing that your 14 year old should still be innocent and is not. Really what the girlfriend's parents are right, I mean, the best way to handle the situation as it is, is to make the consequences of sex in a conversation as real as you can to them, and that birth control is SO important because raising a kid is HARD, and almost impossible for someone who is just a kid themselves. Although they feel like they're adults, theyre not and will not realize that until they're much older, how much they didn't know and how much they should have listened. You can give them your opinion, but I feel that its too late to stop it and will only cause a wedge in your relationship with your son. I hope this helps
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Tell them what you would have wanted your parents to do if they had caught you. It's not much different except that they were being careful and are using birth control.
Tell them you don't approve of it and the reasons why but that you won't harp on it and that you'd prefer it under your roof and safe than not. It's better they do it safe and under your roof than not and be safe.
It looks like his girlfriend's parents know more than you do about it and have handled it with them so I would forego a lecture but teach them something about privacy though. Who knows who else could have walked in etc.
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Do you really expect them to stop?
They aren't going to stop. Really, they aren't. That would be an unrealistic expectation. If you make them promise, they will break that promise. Unless you do put up an 'iron curtain' (and I agree with you all that it would be very inappropriate to do so) they aren't going to stop knocking boots.
Here is what I think you should do:
Applaud your son for being so responsible. Really and seriously, as uncomfortable as you are with this, he deserves serious kudos for being responsible and practicing safe sex. Give him the praise he deserves for that.
Let him know you aren’t comfortable, and don’t think it’s appropriate to be having sex at this age, HOWEVER, don’t force him to agree, and let him know that you won’t be forcing him to stop. Sharing your values makes sense. Trying to be draconian about enforcing them on him would be pointless (they will still find ways to have sex if they really want too) and would be destructive to an open and loving relationship between you and your son.
You should also ask him some pointed questions about worse case scenarios, like: What do you think will happen if she gets pregnant? This isn’t an accusation; it’s a real question for your son. What does he think? Does he think you’ll support him? What do they think about abortion? Do they understand what is legally available and where? (Skip the abortion issue if you feel you should, but I think it’s still an important, and respectful thing to know how your son and his girlfriend feel about this issue.) Does he think he’ll still be able to go to school if she has a baby? This conversation isn’t to scare him or blame him; it’s to get him seriously thinking about his values, and the possible consequences of his actions.
They should both have a physical check-up and an STD check (of course, you can only make this recommendation to the other family…) Not because you think they have an STD, no, of course they almost definitely don't. You make them do it because it's part of being a responsible sexually active adult. They should know what is it like, what to expect, and you should give them this opportunity to each ask their doctors any questions they might have about sex in a private way.
There should be a firm talk about what is appropriate sexual behaviour when you live with other people. I’ve had roommates, and it’s not okay to have sex in the common areas, that’s just rude. It’s just as rude with their families. Tell them you expect them to confine their behaviour to their own bedrooms and private spaces. The whole house is not their playground and that you expect them to be courteous about the noise they make when other people are in the house. Having sex, while your parents are home, in a public room, is rude. They should be told as much and should be much, much more careful to be respectful of others in the future. Perhaps you will want to think up consequences if they ignore these house rules.
I sympathize with you, and of course it’s fine and right that you don’t want them having sex. I agree that 14 is full young, but I also have to add that I started having safe sex at 13. It’s not something I’d recommend to youth and I wouldn’t want my kid doing it that young HOWEVER, because my parents were respectful and honest with me, and got me serious medical advice, and respected my opinions even when they disagreed with me, I never had a problem or a serious scare. Also, I knew what my parents would put up with and what they wouldn’t when it came to sex, and that really helped.
So, I think you need to recognize that it is a hopeless cause to try and make them stop. You simply don’t have that kind of power. They are young people who can, and will, have sex if they want too, and you can’t change what they want with rules or limitations. The best thing you can do is have a respectful conversation about your own values, and listen to his with respect even if they are different than yours, and start to teach him how to be a responsible sexually active young adult. The nice thing is, you’ve obviously done some of that work already.
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