adviceman49's advice column | Page 13

home view feedback ask questions add as friend advicenators

Gender:

Male

Member Since:

June 18, 2009

Answers:

8136

Last Update:

May 26, 2019

Visitors:

138425

Favorite Columnists

storageanddisposal

Main Categories:

General Sex Questions

Abusive Relationships

about

My column is dedicated to telling it like it is. I will always give you the best information available to me or the best advice I can. I will be upfront and never hide the truth from you.

The one thing I will not do is you homework. I will try and point you towards the answer or help you find the answers you looking for. Ultimately you will have to find the answer yourself.

advice

23/f

So I'm a flight attendant. Me and my ex broke up a couple months ago.

I'm now out of a complicated, stressful, unhealthy relationship and I'd like to thank everyone who helped me out on here :)

Ive been on a few dates here and there.
Now a pilot has asked me out. He's 33 and I'm 23. That's a 10 year age gap. I talked to my friends, coworkers and even my dad. My friends and coworkers have told me to at least go out to dinner and see if I even have a connection with him. My dad told me to be careful if I do decide to date him.
Makes sense. I've heard my fair share of cheating pilots lol.

Is 10 years too much of a gap? Am I over thinking? He's cool so far. But it makes me worry a little bit, like in my opinion older guys might either want to settle down faster or not settle down at all. And both scare me a bit haha.

Lets discuss the age cap first. IF you were 13 and him 23 that would be a big red flag. Your not 13 you're 23 and an adult. Age at this point is nothing more then a chronological number If there is such a thing as a standard age difference between a man and a women it would probably be about no more than 5 years. The heart though knows from no age, it only knows what it experiences and falls in love with.

A ten year difference is not a big deal there are many women who have dated and married men of even greater age differences some as old as their parents. What really matters is what you think. If the age difference bothers you then tell the pilot no thank you and explain you don't date men of his age so he understands.

If the age difference doesn't bother you then after making sure he isn't married and just looking for a layover girlfriend with benefits, then date him. But do so with the understanding that a night on the town for him will be different then for you because of the age difference.

At 33 he has done the party thing and bar hopping. IF you fly with him on a layover when the copilot and the other crew members may go bar hopping he may want a nice dinner and a movie. If you both live in the same area a date may include hiking, camping, sightseeing, dinner and dancing or just staying home and enjoying a nice dinner and each others company. This brings up the question should you find yourself falling for him are you ready to settle down and give up the party life a typical 23 year old enjoys.

I was walking to school this morning and i slipped on ice outside. I landed on my wrist and it hurts really bad. I cant move it forward or backward and i cant move my thumb with out sharp pains. There is no swelling or bruising so i dont know if its a sprain or not. Could i have possibly sprained my wrist?

I'm not a doctor but what I suspect from what you have written is you may have suffered what is know as a "Compartment Fracture" of your wrist. In simplest terms what is happening is when you fell you injures some tissue inside the wrist where there are compartments for the muscles. The compartments are made up of tissue which may be bleeding filling the compartment(s) not allowing the muscle to expand.

This is a serious injury that will not heal itself and need medical intervention. Tell mom or dad what is wrong and have them either call 911 or take you to the nearest hospital emergency room.

I suggest calling 911 as this IS a life or limb emergency and the medic on the ambulance can stabilize your wrist during transport to the hospital.

I’ve been working for a month. I handed my boss my direct deposit slip 3 weeks ago and I haven’t been paid. We’re supposed to get paid every 2 weeks. I haven’t gotten a paper check. My boss isn’t around when I’m at work, it’s just the assistant managers. He doesn’t answer his phone.

Most companies if they do not do their own payroll but use an outside company or are so large that they need time to process payroll will hold back one pay period. For a company that works this way paychecks issued at the end of the second pay period are actually for the period before.

Should the second pay period pass without getting a check or deposit in you bank then you need to check into it. If the assistant mangers can't or won't help you and say you have to talk to the manager/owner and you cannot get in touch with him. THEN YOU CALL THE WAGE AND HOURS BOARD FOR YOUR STATE AND FILE A COMPLAINT AND THEY WILL SEE TO IT YOU GET PAID.

Frankly I don't think you have anything to worry about you will receive a check with the checks at the end of the second pay period. If the manager did not get the direct deposit slip to the payroll company on time then a paper check should have been cut and mailed to your house. Allow a day or so for the mail to process and deliver to you.

I am 18 years and career wise i am a little confuse because i am financially incapable. i dont live alone but i dont really have someone who can pay for my things but that is not my only problem. i have issues and i mean i really do...i think i am bipolar and have a little depression at least that what people say... i have frequent sad feelings that i get when i am actually having fun... that is i will be doing somthing that i like to do but then i feel really really sad but i cannot remember what i just thought about... next i will be telling someone something funny or exiting then in the middle i just dont feel like saying it anymore so i may end it and just dont want to talk to anyone anymore. i believe that my feelings are because of my mother. she basically is mad... she "escaped" from her instituition and like 9-10 years after she had me and brother. my brother and i are 2years apart and she told us when i was 9 or so that she didnt intend to have us and when she found out she was pregnant she wanted to take some somthing to flush us out ...actually she did take it and it didnt work she later said when i was 17.the thing is i am a child who has been hurting for years but to everyone i just have 2 aforementioed problems but i am usaually fun , kind and smart. ( sorry my thoughts are all over and i cant stop crying so everything sounds crazy i think) my mother calls me ugly and a slut. the thing is i know i am not a slut but i do believe i am ugly... i hate my appea2rence and i hate to 2be cal2led attractive as i think 2everytone is lying to me...the thing is she only says that when she is upset and when she isnt upset she tells me that i should not hide from persons or behave like that when someone wants a pic of me because imnot ugly .... but the fact is i already believe that i am ugly and the fact that i get a lot of acne makes me feel the way i feel and i feel more inclined to believe your other statement. anyway i dont care that much about that...my problem is that she wishes bad things for me and tells me that she cant wait for me die so she can just bury me ...really it is like the reason why i have not kill myself is because i love God, my sister and my brother they are the only people who care about me ...i cant open up to anyone ...evertime someone gets to close to me i do shit so that they can stop trying or at least get tired of me ...i dont know what to do i have beeen living my life in the way that i confuse persons so they think i shy and that is why i act the way i am... the truth is i am not very shy i just dont trust anyone and i think that i dont deserve love because i hate my mother ...i really do...and although i wish she was different so i can love that will never happen so who really am i ? a girl who is full of hate and loves being alone?

Your question is one long rant making it a bit hard to read and understand just what you are asking. I will tell you this that depression is an inherited illness. If mom is depressed there is a good chance you and or any of your siblings would get depression.

There are two types of depression. The normal type that comes and goes never gets out of control or two deep. Then there is the other type of depression, the type that comes on and hangs on. The type that could make you feel like you have fallen into a black hole.

The best thing to do to find out if you suffer from depression is to make an appointment with your family doctor for a complete physical. You need the physical to rule out any physical reason for how you are feeling. Tell your doctor that you want to be screened for depression while you are there. The screening is the doctor asking you a number of question from which a diagnoses can be made.

If the doctor finds you are depressed the doctor may chose to treat you rather then send you to a psychiatrist. My suggestion is if diagnosed with depression you seek the help of a Board Certified Psychiatrist. This is a medical who has undergone special training to deal with psychiatric problems and to properly diagnose the types of problems.

IF you are diagnosed with Clinical Depression, which is most common, you are not mentally ill. Clinical depression is caused by a lack of one or more chemicals that secrete into the brain. One reason why a psychiatrist is the best doctor to treat you medically. You also need to see a psychologist for talk therapy. Through talk therapy you get to the root cause of your depression. What it is that is so harming you that it over comes the bodies natural ability to secrete sufficient hormones to keep you balanced.

My suspicion is that the root cause is seated in how you have been treated for most of your life. Through talk therapy you will learn a better way to deal with this then you have been.

I am a paraprofessional at an elementary school, for those of you that may not know what that is, I work one on one, with a special needs child throughout the entire school year. Unless there is an improvement or the goal that was set, was surpassed, then I would get a new child.

My last child broke one of my fingers so he got sent to another school, but that's aside from the point. I have a new child now, though, I just completed my first week with him. He is very good, he is so bright and he gets his work done very quick. Essentially my only job is to just refocus him and redirect him if he gets off topic.

The problem is, he is autistic and he is afraid to be in the classroom. He stays in the office all day long. His teachers drop his work off for the day in the morning and he drops it off at the end of the day when he is finished. The child's case manager, teacher, guidance counselor, principal and I are all kind of at odds about how we can get him back in the room and thus far, the counselor and the principal's ideas are the only ones being implemented and have not really been working.

So, I'm not here to complain that the people that are with him the most are not being heard, I'm just here to see if anyone has any ideas on what I can do throughout the day that would maybe give that little shove or at least put the thought in his mind of trying to go back to the room. Like I said, I've only been with him for a week so far, all I've got out of him was that it is loud. He doesn't ride the bus, his parents drop him off and pick him up, because the bus is loud. He doesn't like being in the room because it is loud. He was in his classroom all year last year, so I don't know if something happened over the summer or what but he had also recently just got back from Disney World so I'm so confused that he can be at a theme park with 1000s of people but he can't sit in his classroom with 20 kids.

His teacher told me that before I was assigned to this child, he didn't have anyone so the principal was popping in and out of the room he was given in the office to ensure that he was completing his work. One day, she thought it would be cool to make a "mission" for him to go on, he had to find the red balloon and obviously she put the red balloon in his homeroom class and his teacher said the day that happened, he was smart enough to put two and two together that he was tricked. So things like that wouldn't help. But I'm just asking for any kind of brainstorm so I was told that my only goal with him for the end of the year is to get him back in the room so he doesn't continue doing this into fifth grade.

Thank you!!

Working with an Autistic child is tough because they can't or won't tell you why. I believe the first thing you need to do is talk to the parents and find out if he is seeing a therapist out side of the school. If he is seeing a therapist then the therapists ideas and not the counselor and the principal's ideas should be the ones ones being implemented for no other reason then continuity with what is being done at home. This is just plain commonsense to me.

One thing you might also consider trying is using an empty class room during the day for him to work in. While there may not be an unused classroom there will be an room empty at some point when the class goes to physical education, music or art. An extra desk he can call his own can be placed in that he can use for that time.

If he will do this for you it is possible that he will learn the classroom is not loud. Then you move on to bringing him to the class room for a few minutes each day to experience the room with other kids in it. If he says it is too loud you leave. Hopefully there is on class that he would have a friend in that you might be able to have the friend ask him to sit next to.

Of course if he is seeing a therapist outside of school you will want to run this by the therapist first.

As his paraprofessional in school I believe you have every right to contact the parent and even meet with them in school or in there home if you are so inclined. It is only right that you know of any plan in place to help this child that you can enforce in school.

Hello. I've been with my boyfriend for 2 and a half years now. I am 23 and he is 24. I've been wanting him to propose for a good while now but lately I've been having doubts about even wanting to take that step with him anymore. The reason? His mother.

I love that he is close to his mom, I love that he respects his mom, that is not why I'm here to say that he should respect me and love me more but I think his love and respect for her exceeds what he holds for me, a great amount. My dad said he was close to his mom but when he married my mom, she became the priority to him. I know that it could be different for every man but I always feel like I'm in dead last place to him.

First example, his mom worked at this same company for ten years. Randomly one day, I was out of work for a workers comp accident and he only works two days a week while he's testing to get a job in IT. Anyway, I was staying over at his house, he got a call and it was an IT job offer. After he got off, I congratulated him. We went downstairs so we could go to his favorite restaurant to celebrate and his mom was home. So I asked him once we left why she was home during the day. He said "she doesn't work at ___ anymore." When I asked why, he gave me examples like her boss was mean and she wasn't enjoying it anymore. Leading me to believe, she had quit. The next day, I saw she had put a Facebook status up that she made a big mistake and her boss did not give her a chance to redeem herself so she was fired. So naturally, I got upset that he didn't tell me the truth. He didn't fully lie to me but he didn't tell me the truth. I know it isn't his story to tell but he could have just said she lost her job and I would have left it at that. I still don't know what happened and knowing isn't really the point, it's the principal of the matter, he is keeping something from me, he isn't telling me the whole truth - what else is he going to hide from me later down the road?

Next example: it has been snowing very heavily all day today. It's 2:45 now, it started snowing around 7 this morning and is still expected until at least 9 tonight. Tomorrow is his mom's birthday so he has been talking about taking her to a place for dinner where she would get in for free but they are closed on her birthday so they would accept her to get in for free the day before her birthday or the day after. So when we saw how much and how hard it was snowing, he said we'll definitely go monday, he doesnt want to drive in the snow. I was totally fine with that because I get anxious driving in the snow and even the rain sometimes because I had crashed my car before in the rain. I told him it would be fun if we take my dog for a walk to the park in the snow and he said he would like to so he quick ran to his house to get better shoes to do so. When he came back to my house, he said that his mom still wants to go to the restaurant today, the snow isn't laying on the roads. So I mapped out the weather of the restuarant that is 1 hour from our house and it said they are in a winter weather advisory until 8 tonight and that it is already more ice than snow there so I told him I don't want him to go. He said his mom wants to go and he can't help that. I don't know if I should be angry that he is so willing to appease her so quickly or if I should be mad at his mom because she has such bad driving anxiety in normal, sunny, 80 degree weather, that she cannot drive herself on highways, her previous work was five minutes away and she said her next job has to be just as close so I think it is so completely rude and disgusting of her to not be able to drive in weather much better than snow and she wants her son to risk doing so just because it's for her birthday.

I guess I just want to know at what point should I just accept this situation? Am I allowed to be angry or do I just let it happen that his mom will always be more important? Am I wrong for thinking that I should be priority to him?

Thanks.

Dragonflymagic made some good points. Let me see if I can boil it down for you. We are assuming he will eventually ask you to marry him, meaning you two have already discussed this.

1. You are marrying him not his mother. As a generalization young men have trouble cutting the apron strings from mom. Example: My son will say no to me put never says no to his mothers requests. It is how boys are trained by their mothers and you will be no different with your son. The difference is when my wife asks him to do something for her he either says let me check with, his fiance or he will ask his mom to call her and ask her to schedule a time as they have an active social life. She never refuses and he never refuses to do anything for her parents.

2. This should really come first. Do you love him. Can you see yourself in a world without him. How irritating is it that he is putting his mother first ahead of you. Do you feel that once he is out of her home and living with you that things will change.

He is living at home right now so it may be hard to say no. When he is living away from her it will be easier to say I'm busy.

3. This brings up a suggestion Can the two of you afford to get a small apartment and live together before getting married. Doing so will test my assumption in number 2 as well as answer any other questions you may have.

You are both adults old enough to live on your own or to live together. The only reason people you age remain at home is for economical reasons. IF the economics are right then living together prior to marriage will answer a lot of questions.

While there is an obvious red flag that you are seeing. It would be wrong of us to give you an absolute answer as to stay or leave him.

Are you wrong for thinking that you should be priority to him? No if you are going to be his wife then you should be the priority in his life and should be sharing things with you. In Example one maybe his mother said don't tell anyone then went and blabbed on Facebook. He could have said don't tell mom I told you, then told you the truth.

I agree his mother was wrong to ask him to drive in that weather. I do so for two reasons; 1 it was selfish of her. 2. As A firefighter I have to many times seen the results of people traveling when they really don't have to.

I have one last suggestion. You need to sit down and have a conversation with your boyfriend about what bugs you about the relationship and ask him to be open with you if he has any thing that bugs him. Communication is very important in any relation regardless of the type of relationship be it work, friends, or lovers.

If you don't communicate both the good and the bad or annoying most relationships will fail for the lack of communication

Am I a shitty friend for having feelings for one of my best friends childhood friends? I am a 17yr old female and most of my friends are guys (I just dont get along with girls). One of my best friends is a 17yr boy named alex. Alex used to have a big big crush on me for almost an entire year. He grew up being family friends and playing baseball with this beautiful boy named Grant. Grant is 17, blonde hair, blue eyes, 6'3, has a 4.0 GPA, swims, plays baseball, and plays soccer. He's literally perfect in my eyes. Grant and I have tried to plan things together, like getting sushi or chick-fil-a but never go through with it. Grant is beyond kind to me, he'll have swim practice at 4 in the morning or have just come back from a meet and will still stay up with me until 1 or 3 in the morning playing truth or dare or just talking. He's genuinely a good guy. We started chatting in June of 2017 and both wanted each other so bad. Idk how he feels now but i still want him. Should I feel bad? Should I try to distance myself from Grant?

If you're not dating Alex and he is just a friend there is no reason why you can't date Grant. Just be sure that what started as a childhood friendship has not turned in to a desire for more then just friendship for Alex especially if you want to keep Alex as a friend.

There is another thing to consider and something you might tell Alex if he does have feelings for you that you don't have for him. The best way to ruin a true friendship between a guy and a gal is for the two to date and try to have a relationship. Even more so if the relationship becomes sexual in any way.

If you don't have any feeling for Alex in that way I would suggest you say so if you have not already. Once you have told him that you value your friendship with him over any type of love relationship. Then you are definitely free to date Grant. For you have made sure Alex knows where his place with you is.

I am a 72 year old Canadian heterosexual woman divorced for over 40 years, mother of one daughter, grandmother of 2, living on my own for about 20 years. I have a woman friend with whom I was very close for several years. The closeness began to deteriorate d/t various moves and changes in life journeys over the years and my own tendency to be reclusive. She and her sister moved about 300 km away about 8 years ago. We rarely see each other anymore, no longer are daily witnesses to each other's lives, meeting on a once a year weekend visit which includes her sister and other new friends and once a year pre-Christmas visit with a group of other old friends of hers, acquaintances of mine. I have not had more than 2 hours alone with her in all that time. I can't help still considering her my best friend but there seems to be a vast emptiness that I can't overcome. On our recent Christmas visit, I took something she said to me as a very personal affront and reacted with a very hurtful comment of my own, in the presence of some of her other friends. This occurred just before we were all setting out to return to our various homes, and she avoided all of us until we had said our goodbyes in the parking lot and I left in my car. I have emailed everyone to apologize for my behaviour and received many comforting words of the "this always happens with family" and "this too shall pass" variety, but I don't think any of them really understand how much I have hurt my dear, precious friend and how difficult it is for me to know what to do now. I told her in an email I would send her a more meaningful handwritten letter and have begun to compose many in my head. I want desperately to save this relationship but don’t know where to start. Words of wisdom needed.

You start with "I am truly sorry for what I said, I know I have hurt you and want to make amends." "Our friendship is too dear to me to let it end this way."

Then you go on to say that she said something that you took as hurtful and responded in kind which was wrong of you but was a knee jerk reaction. Use your own words but along those lines.

You two live 300KM apart or about 150 miles. I would suggest to meet somewhere in the middle for the day or maybe a weekend just the two of you. Making this suggestion would be a great Segway into tell her how much you miss the one on one time you use to have with he and how this would be a great time to catch up and possible plan some together outings.

My sister has some very close friends, one in particular that live on the other side of the country. At least once a year, more often now that they are both retired, they meet and go on vacation together. They have so far been on two cruises, been to Italy, Scotland on Great Britain and are presently planning another.

I don't know if your finances will allow for you two to travel like that but I am sure if you put your heads together you can come up with some time and places you can go together and enjoy each others company just the two of you.

You can also what I've just written as a basis for you letter. If you think it is possible for the two of you to meet someplace halfway between you then I suggest you keep the letter simple and discuss what I wrote face to face.

It's long, I know, but please read, this is important.

I'm a 14 year old female. I've always had a particularily hard life being from a relatively poor family that often struggles to pay for rent and food. I've had issues within my family involving alcoholism, mental illness, and drug abuse. Often times when I see people on Instagram doing things I can't do, like going on vacation, living in mansions, seeing broadway shows, etc, I can't help but feel extremely envious. It just makes me think about how much happiness is in the world that I have never felt. My life can get better if I get my education and go on to be a succesful person, but that is so far away. I could die tomorrow and have never experienced a world outside America, and never have done all the things I want to do. I want to be able to see broadway shows, to go on vacation, to learn all the insturments I wanna learn and to go to the mall without worrying if something is too expensive. I know I sound self centered, but I would use that money for good too. I already donate my spare money to charity which I never see any of the rich kids do.

I always try to remind myself I don't know what other people's worlds look like, and that they are going through problems too and on Instagram and snapchat they are only showing the glamorous parts, how my social medias make my world look like a perfect place too, and that there is more to the world than material goods. Aside from my finances, I enjoy life, and I have such great experiences without the money, but I still want money so I can do everything I want to do. It makes me so sad and envious to think about other people and their beautiful, bourgeouise world.

It seems like life just keeps throwing more and more things at me. My parents used to have well paying jobs but they both lost them and had to settle for crappier jobs. Then my dad has an injured back and needs to get all these surgeries that make him addicted to the medication and don't even work. My landlord keeps getting ruder and ruder to the point where I can't even take long showers anymore because she's timing them. Then my brother had autism. My dad got a job in Alabama and worked there for a while, making some money, but then gets into a car accident and most of the money ends up going to that instead.

It's causing me a great deal of stress and anger that are only harming me more to envy other people. How do I stop?

There is an old expression that says, "The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence." "What it means is the other side of the fence always looks better until you jump to the other side. Then guess what the side you were on somehow now looks greens.

Don't get me wrong the people with money have their problems too. Most are a direct result of having money. They overspend, they don't save for a rainy day and they are totally unprepared if the bottom drops out of their world. A good example of this was the 2008 recession and all the homes that were foreclosed on. These people lived way above their means.

I remember the first time I applied for a mortgage. I was approved for $200,000. I may have been approved for that amount but there was no way I could pay a mortgage of that size and still put food on the table and all the necessities and pay the rest of my bill. Yet the lender was pushing me to buy a bigger home then I could afford. I bought what I could afford and rode out two recessions without any problem.

My parents were not rich and I didn't get what other kids had. After school and a hitch in the air Force I was able to work my way up in jobs to a very successful and well paying job. My wife and I have one son and he wanted for nothing.

The object of our country is that our children should do better than the parents and more opportunities. My son is half my age and between him and his soon to be wife there income is double what my wife and I made. That is the way it should be.

It will be for you to if you stay in school, get good grades and go to college. You may have to take out student loans to pay for college. If you do then do so because the better paying jobs come with that Diploma unless you want to work with you hands as an Electrician, plumber or carpenter.

I understand and I have walked in your shoes and know how much it hurts no being able to have what others have. Let your parents worry about finances that is their job not yours. If you need to take a long hot shower try showering after school in the gym showers. Just explain to the teacher why you need to do so and I'm sure they will understand.

If you buckle down and do what you are suppose to do and let your parents worry about what they are suppose to worry about. I promise you things will get better for you and in what may look like a distant future but really isn't that far off you will have the things you want.

I'm a Junior in High school. I have a bf who most people don't like and spread rumors about. Nobody talks to him and think he's weird for being an introverted person that wears all black, even going as far to spread a rumor he was going to shoot up the school (the police got involved with that one!) and that he's a serial killer. It hurts me to see him isolated, not only as his girlfriend but as someone who knows he's a good person.

For example, this Freshman girl was falling into a state of suicide-level depression because of some issues in her home life, and she was worried that everybody secretly hated her and believed no one would care if she were dead. My boyfriend got the kids in her grade along with people who participate in the same extra curriculars as her to all write down reasons why they like her, good memories they have of her, ways she's helped them, etc, and put it in a binder. He got everyone in the drama club, band, and her ENTIRE grade to write real, genuine things down. People thought this was really creepy and he had to deal with a lot of harrasment from kids who didn't realize he was trying to help this girl. He put all the papers in a binder, then gave it to her. I saw the whole thing, where he explained to her what he did, and how people do care about her, she isn't alone, and that her life will get better. The girl's face lit up when she read what people wrote. She's a lot happier nowadays. He didn't even know this girl, but he just didn't want anyone to feel alone, so he went completely out of his way to help her.

I wish people would see that side of him, the side I see, and not just think he's some creepy serial killer but I'm not sure how. What should I do?

Your boyfriend should be commended for what he did for that girl. In fact he should be recognized by the Principal and others in the school Administration for what he did for her. In so doing you will not only allow others to see him as he truly is but the school system will look in to her home life as well.

IF you should ever come across a situation like hers again, even though your boyfriend took it upon himself to help her. A trusted teacher or the school principal should have been notified of her depression and suicidal thoughts. The school is responsible upon learning of these things to notify Child Protective Services(CPS). CPS will see to it the child gets help and hopefully correct the problem at home.

I believe it is still possible to advise a teacher or principal of the girls depressive episode and what your boyfriend did to help her. He didn't change things at home. Whatever was bothering her at home may still be bothering her and she could easily back slide.

If I were the Principal I would call CPS and I would make it known that your boyfriend was caring enough to help a desperate student pull back form the edge of suicidal thoughts. I'm sure there is an assembly in this where your boyfriend could receive a certificate of Merit for his actions.

My advice is to go to the Principal and let him/her know what you know. This girl is not out of the woods she has just taken a step back.

I was just notified that im getting sued by a company that holds my car title. i have the car in possession -it doesn't run anymore. i bought it from a company that sold the title & i began paying this new company over the years. my contract says if i dont pay, they come get the car. when my car broke down i told them i wasnt paying anymore & for them to come pick up the car. they wouldnt. all i owed was 1,000. they said at least twice over the phone over a span of months that they refused to pick up the car. then without my knowledge sold the title to another company. i tried calling this next new company & they would never answer the phone nor respond to a voicemail. once months later i get ahold of them but hung up when they started asking for more information because the company before that one wrote my debt as a delinquency on my credit so i was afraid that might undo or make me again accountable credit-wise. i find out they are now in local capital(must be another new company holding title) & they are suing me for the car of which i owe 1,000. -are they in the right? could they settle for just getting the car towed as fair share? this doesnt seem right to me but i have little legal knowledge.

When you purchased the car you said you would pay the lender so much per month until the amount lent you was paid back. Just because the car isn't running any longer does not mean you don't owe that person the remainder of the amount owed. Even if they reposes the car you owe them the difference between what you owe on the car, and what they get for it at auction plus their cost to reposes and sell the car. The law is on the side of the lender and the lender does have the right to sell of the note you signed especially if you are in default.

My suggestion is to pay the lender the $1000 before you go to court. If it is possible to fix the car economically then do so. If not take it to a junk dealer and sell it for junk and then go bu a new one. This time make sure you buy from a reputable dealer. If you are buying a used car even from CarMax ask to take it to a trusted mechanic for an inspection before you purchase it.

So I'm super sweet towards his family. Have been the whole year and three months that we've been together. I have put effort into showing them how sweet and loving I am towards them. And they know exactly how perfect I treat him.

But they're so cold towards me when I haven't even done anything wrong.

I rarely ever get replies back. And there's just no acceptance and love from them AT ALL.

I love my fiance with all my heart and we're genuinely in love. Should I just stop worrying about his family, especially since when we move in together we won't be living like three hours away from them?

I don't know. I just feel so bad about myself because of how they treat me. It's like I literally don't even exist towards them.

I would not worry about them as they will be the ones missing out. As long as the love between you and your fiancés is real that is all that counts. While it is usually the brides father who feel there is never a man good enough for his daughter. His family may feel you are not good enough for their son. It may be nothing you do or say. It maybe where you came from.

Is your fiancé aware his family has not accepted you and how cold they are towards you?" What does he say, how does he feel about?"

If I had to chose between having them in my life and having them being cold and unaccepting or not having them in my life and just ignoring them I would pick ignoring them.

Stop trying to please them and getting them to accept you. Should they say something about your new attitude toward them. I say you have every right to tell them, "were is the love I should be getting from you." "Since its never been received I've chosen to stop trying and just ignore the insult and move one without you in our lives."

Enjoy the wedding and have a happy life with your husband.

My 20 year old daughter attends college and the fall semester is obviously winding down. Recently, she informed me that she won't be coming straight home once her classes are done. The reason? She incurred a traffic ticket earlier this year and intends to pay it off with time served in jail.

Apparently when you get a ticket (in the state where she attends school at least), you can go to court and ask the judge if you can serve jail time in lieu of paying the ticket. This is what my daughter intends to do.

I offered to loan her the money, but she declined. She says taking care of this ticket is her responsibility, that she'll only be in for a few days, and afterward she'll be coming straight home.

While I admire her desire to stand on her own two feet and handle this herself, I can't help but worry. Her court date isn't for another couple weeks, so she'll be done with finals by the time she reports to jail. She's also assured me this won't pose a problem with future employment. Should I continue to try and talk her out of this? I suppose it could be a good lesson learned. I just hate for her to do this.

Your daughter thinks that by going to jail she is saving the cost of the fine but at a terrible toll on the rest of her life. Yes she is accepting punishment for speeding which is a misdemeanor offence which is on a driving record for 5 years. Going to jail in lieu of paying the fine is on her record for life.

Even though she is serving a jail sentence for a misdemeanor what shows up on a background search is she has a prison record. She probably will not get the chance to explain that it was for a traffic ticket she could not afford to pay. Even if she is upfront about the time in jail any position applied for that requires security clearance will be denied because of it. Does she want to be a lawyer she can forget about that too as she will have trouble being admitted to the Bar.

On one hand I think it is admirable that she wants to handle this on her own the best away she can. But remind her she will not be segregated from other prisoners. she will be put in general population with hardened criminal awaiting trial. A young, pretty innocent thing like her in jail will be fresh meat for them to abuse She is actually putting herself in danger by going to jail.

If she were my daughter I would pay the fine for her with or without her consent. She is placing her life in jeopardy by going to jail.

Contact the clerk of the district court for the jurisdiction where she went to court. Find out what the fine is and give them a credit card number to pay the fine with. IF they will not take a credit card get a money order and overnight it to them. Then call the next afternoon and make sure they received it and get confirmation the ticket is paid.

Hello, I'm 14 5'0 and 100 pounds, I plan on losing weight so i can be 90 pounds or even less. I've been doing this by counting calories, skipping breakfast, and lunch as well. So for a while I've been keeping my calorie count below 500 and not eating any junk food. Sometimes, however, it is really hard to not eat. Usually what happens is for most of the week I don't eat but then one day I cave in and end up binging. I've been doing this since the Summer and I've been seing the results I want but I'm hoping to get rid of this whole binging shit so I could lose more weight faster. It seems like once I eat one thing I can't stop. I can't puke it out afterwards unless I'm at school, alone, or a different house because my bathroom door doesn't have a lock on it and my parents never knock. I also wanna find a way out of dinner because the only reason I even eat it is bc of my parents. Anybody know how to work around all of this?

You are in serious health trouble. Based on whet you have written I feel safe in saying you have a disease called Bulimia. Bulimia is when you binge and purge.

To start with based on the chart below and your frame size you are anywhere from 4 pounds to 37 pounds underweight. This is another problem that needs immediate medical attention because you are doing serious harm to yourself, I will explain further down.

When you purge you bring up the acids in your stomach. If you do this often enough, which it sounds like you are then you are causing irreparable harm to your esophagus. You do not have to take my word for this. Google Bulimia and read the harm your doing to yourself.

Being 10 pounds underweight is worse then being 10 pounds overweight. The body store fat for a variety though primarily it does for reserve energy. The primary mission of the body is to keep the brain alive. Doctors can keep the body alive with machines to give the body a chance to heal. But if the brain dies there is no coming back. Your brain dead and eventually the body dies.

The fat the body store it uses for those times when your calorie intake is less then what you use. When that happens the body uses the stored fat to make up the difference.

When the body uses up the stored fat it starts to shutdown systems in the body it feels it doesn't need. In a women the first system it would shut down is the reproductive system and she stops getting periods. If that isn't enough then the Kidneys shut down, then the liver, lungs the heart and finally the brain and your dead.

I would say at this point the doctors can probably repair any damage you have done to yourself but the longer you wait the less chance that they can. At some point the damage is irreversible and you die.

Am I trying to scare you? Hell yes I am, Eating disorders in general are very serious and Bulimia is second only to Anorexia. I tell you this for two reason; first to save your life and second because everything I have told you can be verified by going on the web and searching eating disorders.

The body works on somewhat of an electrical system as the body has a balance of electrolytes that keep it functioning. Your binging and purging have put those electrolytes out of balance and you could even have a heart attack.

My personal belief is that the reason for the binging and eating junk foods is they are high in both calories and fat. By binging it is your bodies way of getting what it needs to survive. There is no scientific fact to support this just common sense.

A very good friend of ours daughter died of Anorexia. She was a Prima Ballerina and obsessed with her weight. She was 28 and weighed 65 pounds when she died of a heart attack brought on by her eating disorder.

MY suggestion to you is: Do not do this to yourself. Tell your parents today and have them take you to a hospital emergency room today. This is serious enough that you could even call 911 for help.

5'0"

104-115 - Small Frame

113-126 - Medium Frame

122-137 - Large Frame

My sister just got diagnosed with an eating disorder and I'm scared. I know it's not my fault but I still feel like it is. How can I make these feelings go away?

To make these feelings go away you have to make yourself understand that you did not cause your sister to have an eating disorder. Did you do anything that might cause her to have this disorder such as shaming her for her weight? Telling her she was fat even though she wasn't?

Those are the reasons most people with eating disorders have them. They feel they are fat when they aren't. The psychologists and psychologist call it body dysmorphia. These people find physical faults where non exist.

IF you haven't done anything to cause your sister to feel bad about her body then you have no reason feel it is your fault. As for being scared yes eating disorders are serious and can be very, very dangerous. The best thing you can do now for your sister is be supportive. Tell her how good she looks. If she is bulimic watch her like a hawk and stop her from purging. If she is anorexic get her eating ask your friends to help.

Check with mom and dad but I would say even getting her to eat things like junk food is good. so try getting her to go with you and your friends for hamburgers and pizza. There are a lot of calories in a cheeseburger over 1,000 in most.

Hello, thaks for your help. Ive made pros and cons lists for years about which program in college to stick with and when to have a baby. Ive always wanted to do the masters of Occupational therapy but got denied twice at a top school nearby. I have a good chance of getting accepted to a college thats 1 hour and 20 minutes away but it is monday through thursday 8 to 530. I want to have a baby asap because I am 27 and have lived together with my boyfriend for 6 years. Ive been putting off children for school because I have bipolar disoprder that spirals into mania if i dont take my medication and get too stressed and i cant handle a program with those hours and a child. Thats the masters of OT ill, be done in 2 years because i already have my bachelors and ill be done with school forever after that. On the other hand I can do the assistant program of occupational therapy its more flexible and I can have a baby its only 2 classes a week for 2 years but then i definitely want to get my masters in OT and have to work for a year first if i do the assistant program then 2 years of online work for the masters. I dont know if i should do the assistant program now and have a baby then do the Masters later or wait another 3 years to have a baby but ill have my masters and ill be finished in school. aI say 3 years because both programs start in september 2018. To throw a curve ball i like nursing but hate the hours they make more money i would be able to support myself and a child on my own with the assistant in occupational therapy degree ill make 40,000 to 58,000 with a masters ill make 80,000 and with nursing ill make 60,000 to 67,000. If i do the nursing program that also starts next year and would be able to have a ch8ild because i took all the classes except 8 nursing classes as well as for the assistant in ocupational therapy program i would have only 8 classes left but they would both still take 2 years

I;m sorry you didn't like the answer I gave you yesterday. It was and is good advise. I have a very good friend who is bipolar. We have seen her at both ends of the spectrum and it is not a pretty picture. When she is manic she goes on buying sprees'. When she is depressed she can barely take care of herself.

I don't know you and I don't know how serious your illness is. What I do know is I have seen my friends illness go from hardly noticeable to the point she now lives with friends who are her care takers. As far as I know she was very good about taking her medications; the people she worked with saw to it.

My concern when reading your question was for the safety of you and your baby. Since that is utmost the only good answer was to suggest you speak to you medical professionals. This is not something to hide from them especially if you already know that they disapprove.

Bringing a child into this world is a heavy responsibility. Should you have a manic episode Child Protective services could very well petition the courts to take the child from you. While this might be good for the child it would be horrible for you and your illness.

I don't have a crystal ball I can't predict the future. What I do know is statistics and they are not in your favor. I don't want you to be hurt or a future child. so please before you make a decision to have a child talk with your medical professionals and see what they think.

IN the end though it is going to be your choice as it is your body. I just hope you make the right choice.

Every night I stay up till around 3 in the morning thinking about what I did wrong that day. How can I just let go and sleep?

Stop thinking about what you did wrong. What is done is done. Instead think about what you did right and what you can learn from what you did wrong.

Tossing and turning or sitting in front of the TV fretting over mistakes is not helping you. Sleep deprivation my even be the cause of why you are making mistakes. It is when we are tired is when we tend to make mistakes. If necessary, since you are now accustomed to not falling asleep until 3AM get an over the counter sleeping aid to help you fall asleep. Give yourself a minimum of 8 hours rest before waking for work.

I see from you past questions you are either in High School or College, probably High School. The purpose of an education is to learn. This is where you are allowed to make mistakes and where people, instructors, are there to help you learn from the mistakes you make.

You are being to hard on yourself. No one is perfect and getting a B or even a C is acceptable just as long as you gave your best effort and learned from what you did wrong on the assignments.

Sometimes we as parents put to much emphasis on grades. All a grade tells parents is how well our child is doing based on testing, for the larger part of the grade, and other assignments. IT does not truly tell us what you have learned or your ability to learn

Take the stress out of your life, get at least 8 hours sleep a night and you will make less mistakes.

Hello, thaks for your help. Ive made pros and cons lists for years about which program in college to stick with and when to have a baby. Ive always wanted to do the masters of Occupational therapy but got denied twice at a top school nearby. I have a good chance of getting accepted to a college thats 1 hour and 20 minutes away but it is monday through thursday 8 to 530. I want to have a baby asap because I am 27 and have lived together with my boyfriend for 6 years. Ive been putting off children for school because I have bipolar disoprder that spirals into mania if i dont take my medication and get too stressed and i cant handle a program with those hours and a child. Thats the masters of OT ill, be done in 2 years because i already have my bachelors and ill be done with school forever after that. On the other hand I can do the assistant program of occupational therapy its more flexible and I can have a baby its only 2 classes a week for 2 years but then i definitely want to get my masters in OT and have to work for a year first if i do the assistant program then 2 years of online work for the masters. I dont know if i should do the assistant program now and have a baby then do the Masters later or wait another 3 years to have a baby but ill have my masters and ill be finished in school. aI say 3 years because both programs start in september 2018. To throw a curve ball i like nursing but hate the hours they make more money i would be able to support myself and a child on my own with the assistant in occupational therapy degree ill make 40,000 to 58,000 with a masters ill make 80,000 and with nursing ill make 60,000 to 67,000. If i do the nursing program that also starts next year and would be able to have a ch8ild because i took all the classes except 8 nursing classes as well as for the assistant in ocupational therapy program i would have only 8 classes left but they would both still take 2 years.

It is not our place to make a choice for you. What we do and what I do is try to clear the water a bit so you see things more clearly. In you case as I am a bit troubled as I am not sure which side of you're bipolar disorder is talking. From your writing it sounds a bit like the more manic side is taking.

Since I have this feeling what I am going to suggest is you discuss this with your psychiatrist first and psychologist as well if your seeing one as well. They know you best and know just what you can handle as far as stress is concerned.

I agree with you that a round trip drive of almost three hours is out of the question. I also think that until you have firm plans for school having a baby should be put on hold.

I also think that you should be married before having a baby. Being a single parent is tough and can be stressful at times. Being bipolar you need a partner, a husband, to be there to help and to watch you and to protect both you and the child. Once again you plan for potentially being a single parent should be discussed with you doctor and therapist as they know you best.

I'm the same person who posted about taking off a semester to work/save up money. :)

I'm starting to worry about how I'll handle my new job since I'm used to working from home and making my own hours (to a certain degree).

I'm really not used to waking up early and I just found out I'm going to have to wake up at 7am for this job. I tend to sleep through alarm clocks and have had this weird thing my whole life where I'll turn my alarm clock off without even consciously realizing I'm doing it and going right back to sleep. When I wake up I don't even remember turning the alarm clock off, but have had people confirm I did.

I usually wake up around 10am and I am on occasion able to wake up earlier for important things like doctor appointments, but waking up continuously early is something I've never been able to master. At some point I wind up sleeping through my alarm or turning it off without even thinking about it and going back to sleep. I'm an extremely deep sleeper and tend to get "stuck" in dreams where I can't wake up. I've had alarms set on max volume before and slept through them because I was dreaming.

Even worse, a couple years ago I tried to work a job where I had to wake up early and flat out couldn't make it through the day. I would fall asleep at my desk and not be able to stop myself. I would just one minute be awake and then 5 minutes later be asleep. This also used to happen in classes. Honestly, I probably have some kind of narcolepsy. I can't go more than 5 hours or so without NEEDING a nap.

I eat healthy, exercise, take vitamins, and otherwise take care of myself so it's nothing related to a bad diet. I've tried caffeine, but it doesn't really have an effect on me other than making me feel anxious.

I was just wondering if maybe you guys have any advice for how to wake up and stay awake throughout the day? If I take a lunch break I get especially sleepy right after I eat. I did find out there's a Starbucks next door, but my previous experiences with caffeine makes me think grabbing coffee won't help.

I also can't really take naps during breaks because there's about a 1% chance i would actually wake up and go back to work. They would probably find me 5 hours later still asleep in my car.

You sound like my son who had trouble getting up in the morning even after being rolled out of bed by a Drill Instructor in the Army. Nothing like a Drill Instructor to get you out of bed in the morning. I doubt you happen to have a DI handy to turn your bed over on you so hear are some suggestions you might try.

First you don't say what time you go to bed. You start by 10pm you to turn off you video games. You can get in bed and watch TV or read a book until 11pm then its lights out for 8 hours of sleep. Set 3 alarm clocks one to go off at 6:30, 6:40 & 6:50. Each alarm clock should be set further away from the bed to the point you have to get out of bed to shut it off.

You can also check with your phone company or go on the web to look for telephone wake up services; there are many to choose from. Find one that calls back to insure you have gotten out of bed.

The important thing is to get to bed early enough to get a good nights rest. With enough sleep you will not fall asleep during the day and you will wake up without any problems.

17/f
So im basically dating this guy we're not official but we are together. I've met his family a few times but only for like 5 minutes when his mom's taking us somewhere or before his matric farewell when I went to his house for drinks. I'm having supper at his house in two days. He eats pretty late. How long before the time that we eat should I go there? And how long after we eat should I leave? Cause I don't wanna stay there to long cause it's gonna be super late but I don't want to be rude

When to arrive for dinner depends on what time the hostess tells you dinner will be or if she says be there at a certain time. If she says dinner is at 7 then arriving at 6:30 is proper unless cocktail are going to be served before dinner then arrive at 6 even though you are to young to drink.

As to when to leave depends on if there is a dessert service. some time dessert is served some time after the dinner dishes are cleared and people have had tome to rest and digest dinner.

If say desert is served at 8:30 then 9:30 would be a proper time. This gives you time to have the dessert and coffee. Twenty to thirty minutes for dessert and another thirty minutes to be respectful.

<<< Previous Advice Column

Next Advice Column >>>

humorist-workshop