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Razhie. Advicenators Member Since: June 13, 2005. Answers: 5077. Visitors: 211514.
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The Question
my boyfriend and i have been together for 2 years. i have met most of his family, he is american. his family is diverse, some asian and hispanic. my family is 100% indian. he has met my brother, sister, mom and dad. my dad is very strict on dating, he doesnt like it but he cant stop me from dating because im almost 21. and my boyfriend is 22. my mom likes my boyfriend though. the issue is we have been on and off in our relationship and i dont think my parents think ill marry him so they are a bit concerned with that aspect. his family is huge on christmas, my family doesnt do christmas. my family cant even have dinner with his family because my parents refuse to. i know theres no way to fix this. lets say we do get married, then yes my parents will get along with his family but i dont think theyll do christmas. this is a huge issue on our relationship because we are looking into the future with us. any kind of advice for us really?
The Answer
I must be missing something about what you trying to tell me about Christmas...
It is months away, and what does it matter if his family does and yours don’t choose to celebrate it? It’s a bit uncommon that both couples’ families come together on the holiday. Generally a young couple has to bounce between their two families so the only thing I can see that doing is making it very easy for you as a couple to figure out where to have Christmas dinner! Obviuosly, spend a bit more time with the family that values the day more. The only meal your parents ever MUST have with his is the wedding feast and that is also years away, right? So stop stressing 'bout things so far in the future. Don’t even worry about it THIS year. A lot can change in three months – including your parents' minds. The only thing you need to do is discuss well in advance with everyone what part of the holidays you’ll be spending with which family as a couple and as individuals, so there are no nasty surprises.
The best thing you can do, for yourselves, and for your families, is figure out better ways to negotiate your disagreements than being 'off and on'.
Off and on again relationships don't get much respect from friends or family - and often they shouldn't. It's a sign of immaturity when a couple can't decide if they want to be together or not. Regular fights that are intense enough to break you two up are not going to impress either family. They are going to make all the parents sceptical and critical of your relationship.
You are looking too far into the future and straining yourselves. Spending your time together imagining fights that you might have in three months or three years from now is a really good way to cause yourselves stress and sabotage your relationship. If you really want to plan for long term success together, sit down and calmly talk about the things that have caused major break ups before, and sort out ways you could handle those sorts of disagreements better in the future.
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The Question
So I was going to finally get help on my depression. I was looking up my doctor's phone number online when a familiar site showed up again. Each doctor has their own page and people post comments and rate their doctor on various things.
There's only one good comment of course and 6 bad ones about him and look at the most recent one:
I found the man arrogant, opinionated and judgmental. I went to him for help with depression over a 2 year period and felt worse about myself than I ever did. It turns out he misdiagnosed me and had me on medication that I was barely able to get through each day. When I said anything he didn't like to hear he had temper tantrums that scared the hell out of me. Calls himself a Christian ... churches are full of people like him .... denial isn't just a river in Egypt!
And I know that I shouldn’t make judgments based on comment on the internet because angry people probably go on searching for places to type these things and the happy people maybe are outside doing other things, but still!
And this comment was posted one month ago in July! And it's true, he does have a temper! I'm not going anywhere near the church stuff because that's a crazy subject to discuss and has nothing to do with medical care as of now. But I always get advice that if my doctor isn't good and isn't helping you, go to another one. Well, I'm not allowed. That’s the first thing he yelled at us for when we went to the walk-in-clinic while he was on vacation and couldn’t wait for him to come back! What do I do? And should I even call him now?
The Answer
You are allowed to find another doctor.
Because you need serious ongoing care and medications, it will simply be a bit more difficult for you to find someone able to take on your needs. That is all. Your doctor has either misled you, or is confused. The fact he yelled at you doesn't change YOUR rights. Although most people in Ontario do register with their family doctor, they may end that registration at any time.
You would be wise to call the Ontario Ministry of Health and Long-Term Care and get clarification from them on your next steps.
It is up to you to get the correct information and care you need.
You should read through the Ontario Ministry of Health and Long-Term Care website here: http://www.health.gov.on.ca/en/ to find out more about the programs they offer and how to access care.
If you are still uncertain, someone may be able to help you at the ministry hotline at 1-866-532-3161. The hotline is called ServiceOntario, and they can talk to you about ending your registration with your current doctor, and begin looking for another.
I have been depressed myself. I remmeber very well how I used any reason to keep myself away from a doctor - whether that reason was a good one like yours, or just some crazy stuff I made up to keep myself isolated and sick. Please don't do that. Step up and use the services that exist for you.
Change is always hard work. This is the hard work you must begin to get better.
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The Question
Well if it is 2010, and we have been using a 24-Hour clock. Over time, are we losing accuracy in the date? A day is actually 23 hours & 56 minutes. 1440 minutes in a day, BUT, after a year we are off by 1 day and 20 minutes, and every leap year wouldn't make it up. So aren't we off by maybe a few years?
The Answer
It depends a good bit on when you start to count.
You can get even more basic than doing the math to the second, and ask yourself, if Jesus was actually born 2010 years ago? There are many people who think the early Christians got the year wrong.
In the earliest days of mechanical time telling, each town would set their own time by watching the sun for high noon. As a traveler journeyed from town to town they would find the town's timekeeper (frequently the mayor, but also sometimes a priest or innkeeper) and adjust their clocks if they had them.
So you see, at that point, no one went by an arbitrary number of seconds in the day. They were constantly adjusting their time telling devices to synchronize with the sun. That approach was called Solar Time and was praticed even before we invented clocks. The first clocks were constantly being adjusted and wound up to match the Solar Time of where ever the person was that day.
Since then, there have been several ways to 'tell time'. First there was standard time, in the mid nineties most countries started to observe the time zones. Then Greenwich Mean Time, which was officially renamed Universal Time in 1929.
We still use Universal Time today.
The most accurate clocks we have today, are the atomic clocks. They are acurrate to 1 billionth of a second.
Because the earth's rotation speed actually varies a bit over the year, we've even had to correct the time we use from the atomic clock (by adding leap seconds and milliseconds!).
The time that the atomic clocks tell is about 34 seconds faster than Universal Time.
So you see, we have always had good systems for measuring time, and when it comes to time, the most important thing isn't the we get it RIGHT (unless you are talking about experimental physics) it's that we all get along and understand each other. That ability to communicate time's passing, across countries and around the world, has always been the key goal of time telling, and we've learned to do that very, very well.
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The Question
ok so my friend cheated on her boyfriend and is trying to hide it obviously. we were hanging out with a bunch of people and the guy i really like was there. she likes him too. (even though she has a boyfriend) another friend was saying how she cheated on her boyfriend with some guy we meet in the city one night. so she tried to cover it up by saying that i had sex with him, in front of everyone at the party, not her. now the guy i like thinks i'm a slut and a bad friend for leaving my friend to go have sex with the guy we met at the city. and its all because she doesn't want this guy to think she's a cheater. do you think this is a little f*cked up or is it just me? what should i do?
The Answer
You should tell her straight up that it wasn't cool.
There is probably nothing you can do about the guy you like - she probably wont confess her lie to him, and even if she did, he would probably just be more confused about it.
Best to just let your friend know what she did was NOT okay. It wouldn't have been okay even if you didn't both like this boy. Claiming you had sex with him was a shitty thing for her to do in front of anyone at all. She owes you a big apology.
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The Question
Lets say you are friends with benefits with a guy, but you have never talked about the status of your relationship with each other, as in you were clueless whether he was having sex with other girls as well (but the girl does mention to the guy she's been "talking" -hint hint nudge nudge, know what I mean- with other guys).
Over the course of the months, they become best friends, and then in a relationship. Whilst in the relationship, neither guy nor girl has cheated or done anything remotely bad. But guy didn't realize that girl had slept with other guys since she met him, and gets mad. He forgives her, but girl feels horrible and regretful about her past, and guy is horrified and embarrassed by it, because its a small university where everyone knows everything.
Ultimately, huge misunderstanding, because girl has always wanted to be honest with guy since day one, and felt she has, yet she doesn't blame guy for feeling the way he does. Yet now she feels like he will hold her past against her and won't be able to fully forgive or forget about it.
What should she do? She apologized to her boyfriend, and told him how ashamed she is of her past (she was going through a rough time, but boyfriend doesn't know the extent of it). Girl fears things will never be the same again, but they're working on things.
Anything more she can do? And what she did, was it really that bad? She did mention in pretty obvious (but I guess not very blunt terms) that she was with other guys since she met him, but since they had the "I have feelings for you talk" she's done nothing. Oh, and guy hasn't done anything with other girls since he met this girl.
The Answer
Wow, got to be honest, it's much easier to understand things when you write in first person pronouns, me and I. This was harder work than necessary to understand...
Having friends with benefits, where everyone is being honest about their wants, and behaving safely is absolutely fine.
Not telling your boyfriend about your full sexual history until you were in a committed relationship is also completely fair. That was the point at which he deserved to know, and you told him.
Honestly, as far as I'm concerned, you did everything right.
Maybe it took you a bit longer than it should have for you to disclose your past, but that's understandable.
Now it's time to take a deep breath and let things be what they are going to be. Your regret and his embarrassment are understandable, but sort of pointless. Before you met you were making one kind of choice, and now you are making another kind of choice. These bad feelings about the past shouldn't be insurmountable.
If he does hold this against you in the future, he's being a bit unfair.
Things will never be quite the same again, but that was going to happen anyways. There is a difference between being friends and flirting and being in a relationship. Relationships mean you learn much more, and accept much more, about the person you are with.
You've hit your first hurdle together, and there are going to be others. Just be honest about your feelings, then and now, here is nothing else anyone can demand from you, and let the relationship grow in whatever direction it is going too.
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The Question
22/f. Not that any of you can read my mind, but any kind of insight would be wonderful. I apologize for the length here, but I need help.
Okay.
When I was 18, my boyfriend at the time had just broken up with me. He had been emotionally abusive, and quite good at convincing me that I was unattractive. Even so, as the vicious cycle goes, I thought I loved him. So these friends of mine said, "You're hot, who cares what he says? Let's do a photoshoot and we'll show you, and you can show him what he's throwing away."
So we did. But, uh, it got carried away, pretty much, and turned kind of pornographic. Like, straight up shots of my *ahem*, and things...I didn't even remember it getting that carried away. I was depressed at the time, and I swear I wasn't even mentally present.
A couple of years later, I did yet ANOTHER nude shoot, modeling for a guy friend of mine. We did more artistic shots, but a couple of them were kinda raunchy. I thought I was doing him a favor, modeling for him so he could work on his portfolio, and I thought it'd be fun to see myself looking hot. It never occurred to me that he was just trying to see me naked, but that's what my current boyfriend says.
Now I'm 22, I've found the man with whom I envision myself having a future, and we're ridiculously happy and in love, but he is absolutely HORRIFIED and disgusted by these indiscretions. He finds them immoral, and he gets panicky when he thinks of my naked pictures being out there. I do, too, don't get me wrong...but the first pair of friends let me search every computer in their house (they're a couple; they live together) and delete ALL pictures of me. My guy was mad at me for not getting copies of them before I deleted them, because he wanted to know what he was dealing with...and he has a right to know, it's true. I just wanted them gone, you know? Even so, my guy's convinced they have copies of them hidden somewhere.
Anyway, I digress.
My boyfriend wants SO BADLY to understand what the hell I was thinking. Why the draw? Why did I want these people to see me naked? Why the hell did I let them KEEP the pictures? Why was I so open about my body and sexuality when I'm really very self-conscious and shy about it?
It drives him crazy to hear me say I don't know, but I really don't! I don't know why I did those things, and I hate myself for doing them. It's disgusting and slutty, and...just...UGH!!
Anyone have any ideas? ANY insight? Any thoughts? Comments? Something?
Thanks for your help...:'(
The Answer
I feel as though I remember you asking a very similar question quite a while ago, and part of my advice is based on the idea that this has been an ongoing disagreement between you and your boyfriend for quite some time now.
I hope you can seriously consider that you describe a habit in earlier relationships of allowing your boyfriend to define how you feel about things and how you perceive yourself.
Your current boyfriend, despite being a better man in many ways, it pulling the same sort of thing on you, just in a different way.
Your boyfriend is being unfairly judgmental of your choices, choices you seem to regret yes, but you certainly don't seem to have the anger, shame or fear he is trying to push onto you because of these incidents.
Your boyfriend is out of line. He needs to accept everyone comes with a past, and live with you in the present. He is not entitled to a perfect explanation. You might not ever have one that will satisfy him. You've been trying, for months. He needs to learn to accept the explanations he has been given.
You don't know exactly why you did it. Frankly, I respect that a lot. Instead of lying and making up a reason just to make everyone feel okay, you are having the strength and sense to be honest and say you don't exactly know. You have a few theories, and understand where you were at the time that made the behavoir seem like a good idea. What more is he looking for than that?
If this has been going on for months, it's not time to tell your boyfriend to back the hell off, and make his peace with not quite getting it.
What he is doing is deeply distrustful, and some what controlling. He needs to stop harping on this. He does have a right to know about your sexual history, he absolutely doesn't have a 'right' to see the photos or to try and convince you they still exist, when you feel otherwise.
Being annoyed that you didn't save copies for him to see is actually a very scummy position to take. His heart might be in the right place, but his behavoir is not at all right.
Mistakes that are this far in the past, and regretted, should not be this degree of a problem in your current relationship. Whether he means too or not, your boyfriend is dragging you through the muck and you don't deserve it. Tell him you've answered his questions to the best of your ability, and it's now time for him to stop his judgment, stop his paranoia, and stop his bullying to find out some unattainable 'why' that will make it all okay to him. It's all right that he is uncomfortable, but his punishment of you should now be over.
You know you made an error, you aren't paranoid and you don't know why. It's time for him to respect this as part of your experience and past, and simply trust you when you say it is in the past.
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The Question
Hello,
I have been married for 2 years. My husband seems to feel the need to have female friends. One female friend he has known a very long time and they are like brother/sister.I am actually fine w/their friendship. Today I want out of town and he told me she was going to spend the night at our place as she lives far away. I told him I felt very uncomfortable w/any female spending the night while I am not there. So now he is mad at me,does not see my point and thinks I am wrong for my views on this.
I do have an issue w/his other female friend. They worked together for 1 year and have seemed to develop a very close friendship. I found out that he was holding money for her, they would have lunch at work together. There were rumors of them having an affair. I told him there friendship was way too close but again, he does not see anything wrong w/it.
I don't know what to do and how to make him see my side. We all know if the tables were turned he would feel the same way!
The Answer
If the tables were turned, and he would might feel the same way -- He would be wrong as well.
Fundamentally, it comes down to this:
A man who will cheat on you, will cheat on you, regardless of friendship with other women.
A man who will not cheat, wont, regardless of friendship with other women.
Decide if you trust your husband to be the first kind, or if you do not trust him. If you do not trust him, the right path is marriage counseling, not trying to control his friendships.
A boundary about overnight guests might make some sense, but it seems odd when you say you have no problem with their long-time friendship. Those two things seem inconsistent.
Your problems with his work friend is vague and nonspecific. Nothing you've described about their relationship is actually inappropriate (except from the rumor mill, which is not their fault).
Your very first sentence here, that your husband feels the 'need' to have female friends, is unfairly judgmental. Everyone needs friends, some of those friendships might be with females.
Even if you do trust your husband not to cheat, your feelings and stress is very real and should be addressed. Counseling is always a good path when you find yourselves butting heads consistently over the same topic. Please know I don't think you are completely wrong. There is probably things you are both doing to feed this, but it's bigger than friendships.
Whatever is bothering you, and making you fearful is probably not these two woman. Take the opportunity to improve your marriage and communications with a professional.
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The Question
I am getting a Masters in Psychology. A lot of my motivation has been to make my parents proud because they always complain that I'm lazy and they are sometimes scared that I won't succeed in life. So it really hurt me with I overheard my mom tell my grandma that I walk around like I'm on a high horse; as if I demand constant praise because I got into a Masters program which I think is rediculous! I think she's jealous of me because my life is awesome and she, in turn, hates her job and has to deal with a lot of crap from my dad. How should I handle her negative feelings toward me?
The Answer
You need to change your expectations.
I'm not defending your mother. She may very likely be a bitter unpleasant person, but it's pretty clear in your question that you are looking for more praise and support from her than she is probably ever going to give you.
Share your excitement over your masters program with friends and family members who do support you. Find what you want in other corners of your life. Try to stop living for your mother and seeking her approval - it's not coming. When you begin to do that her inevitable criticism wont cut as deep.
And congratulations!
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The Question
Im a 18/m who has or had a 18/f. She recently told me about 2 things she had lied to me about. What they are doesnt matter, what does is that we could have worked past them. So after she told me these things i broke up with her, because she had already started telling me that she loves me.
This is my second serious relationship and thats why im asking this question. Can someone love you and still lie to you about fairly big things? She is perfect for me, she loves me more than i love myself, and i always saw her as the most caring loving person that i've met. So the reason i broke up with her is that she tells me that she loves me and i always thought that when you love someone you don't lie to them like that. I love her too and i would never lie to her. And that can be because i've been lied to in the past over and over again by the same girl who i loved.
Those are my questions and i'd like the people who answer to have more experience than myself, thank you
The Answer
Of course someone who loves you can lie to you.
They can also hit you, abuse you and be generally horrid towards you. Does the father who hits his children not love them? Some might not, but many abusive parents love their children very, very much. Their behavoir is just wrong, for reasons that have little to do with love.
A lover who lies to you might be a lousy lover. That makes them people who are horrid at honestly expressing love. But it's unfair to say they are not capable of love or to say they weren't being honest.
Being in love doesn't make us perfect.
We still make mistakes. We still say nasty things. We loose our patience. Sometimes, we do worse and make even bigger mistakes.
If you go through the world thinking that 'true love' will never lie to you, never make a mistake, never betray you in even the smallest ways, never get angry with you, never storm out, never tell you half the truth, never call you names... You will never find lasting love.
Love doesn't make us perfect. It only makes us want to be better.
Of course it's important to have standards for the behavoir of those around us, and some mistakes will and should end relationships. But we also have to have compassion and forgive others, and ourselves, when we fuck up.
I would argue, that by confessing her mistakes to you, she probably did love on some level, because her feelings for you made her take the dangerous step of trying to better herself.
That doesn't mean you have to forgive her, but that does mean she felt enough for you to want to be a better person with you.
Never making mistakes is impossible. Being brave enough to admit them, and try and fix them, is remarkable.
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The Question
I was so happy to tell my grandfather that even though he messed up the check this one lady still cashed it. He got upset and was talking about getting the lady fired and i was supposed to bring it to the school and what not. I was like " but i told you we already paid the school" and he was like "they would have reimbursed you, but instead you snuck and got over on people and cashed it illegally im gonna call bank of america and tell them how they violated my rights and get that lady fired"...i told him "sry i didnt know that was the case i thought you made a mistake why didnt say anything when i told you i was doing this?" and he said he trusted that the bank would not cash it to me....so...that plan kinda blew up in my face apparently he does not trust me or my mother and we didnt do anything to him so he stopped the transfer to my account and took it all back. I understand that this would completely prove that im sneaking but i is there anyway i can stop this transfer legally? like can he really just take it back? I really hate that he treated me and my mother like we are criminals just because he has alot of money. I always handle things like this the that sounds right. I knew he purposely put both those names on the check but i didnt know that he had normal intentions as in giving the check to the school...i never even thought twice about that really. But let me know what i can do please because right now we are not on speaking terms and he started this war first calling me names and crap, i didnt deserve it for making a mistake. My mom didnt deserve maxing all her credit cards out to pay for tuition that he promised would be there if i went to the school of my choice. thanks.
The Answer
I'm a bit confused. I thought your grandfather had agreed to give you this money to reimburse your family for your tuition costs?
If you didn't explain to him before hand that you had already paid, and that he would be reimbursing you (and therefore paying for it).
If you didn't make that clear beforehand, that was a mistake.
If your grandfather did know that, and deliberately sent you a check he thought you could never cash (thereby going back on his offer to pay your tuition.) Then he is not a nice person.
I like to always say that we should never attribute to malice what can be explained by stupidity. It's possible that you did your best and your grandfather just doesn't understand, and wasn't able to grasp the situation. From my every experience with universities, they would not have reimbursed you and accepted a cheque (especially a miswritten cheque instead). They might have, but that seems exceedingly unlikely to me. Since they had already been paid, they would no longer have considered it their problem. Even if they did, cashing it yourself ends up the exact same way! If it was really important to your grandfather that it was cashed BY the university, and not you, he shouldn't have put your name on it!
You did nothing sneaky at all. At worse, you didn't communicate clearly enough with him the first place... The cheque was, improperly, made out to you and your school. Since you had already paid the school, it was perfectly rational for you to keep the money.
Your grandfather is confused, perhaps also cruel and irrational, but definitely confused. He is distrusting and judgmental, and it's unlikely that is going to change.
Unfortunately, there is probably nothing you can do about the money. He will probably not get the young lady fired for doing, what is her job, and making a judgment call about an improperly written cheque, but he will likely be able to stop payment on the cheque. There is no legal way to stop that UNLESS you have a written contract from him agreeing to pay for your tuition. Even then, you'd have to take him to small claims court, and that will take time.
If I were you, I'd go talk it over with a counselor at your school. They might have some better specific advice for you. I hope they have better advice for you, because from where I am sitting, that money is gone. It's cruel and unfair and your grandfather is absolutely wrong, but legally he will probably be able to stop payment on that cheque.
I'm so sorry this hasn't worked out. You and your mom might have been able to communicate a bit clearer what was going on to your grandfather, but that mistake doesn't really warrant the response you've received. By all means, keep on not speaking to him. He's proven that, for whatever reason, he is not capable of carrying on a civil conversation or arrangement with you.
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The Question
20/f
Alright, so I hate these kinds of questions. I'm not too much of a girly-girl, and I always look over these questions, but I'm stuck. I'd really appreciate it if some of you could look at this thoroughly, and then give me an appropriate response.
I'm a natural blonde with green eyes and pale skin.
I've been searching for some way to make myself stand out more. Not specifically for a lot of attention or anything, I just want to spice my look up a little bit. You know, change things.
I want to dye my hair dark. I've heard that people with pale eye-color who have dark hair have extremely noticeable eyes. Like it makes them "pop".
But I was just wondering, since I've got pale skin, would black be too much of a contrast? Should I just go for a dark brown instead? It's just that black is very permanent, considering it doesn't fade, and you can't just change it if you change your mind afterwards. You'll have to wait 'till it grows back out again to do anything to it. So that being said, I would like to know an honest opinion on the matter. I would hate to be stuck with black hair if it looks shitty on me, wouldn't you? And bleaching it back would just horribly damage it; as I just said up above, you're pretty much stuck with it once you do it.
Any advice is welcome, thank you.
The Answer
I have very pale skin and very dark eyes, and black hair washes me right out and magnafies every imperfection in my skin. I feel dead unless I wear make up to smooth out my complection everyday.
I have still dyed my hair black and dark purple a few times, but I know it means I'll go through more blush and foundation in the next month!
You can change your black hair though, although you do need to wait a few weeks and have a very smart colourist at a salon do it for you - it is possible, just costly.
It's a risk. If you really hate it, it's gonna cost you a few weeks of waiting and an expensive few hours at the salon. I choose to take the risk and I've liked having very dark hair, but in the end you'll just need to make the choice! Good luck.
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The Question
I'm 18/f and I am 5'10'' weighing about 165 lbs.
I've always had somewhat of an issue with my body. I have huge hips, and (not huge) but a pretty bigger than normal ass, and my breasts are DD's. I've got a definitely noticeable hourglass figure.
Over the years, I've randomly made myself throw up just because I felt like I ate too much. Just a few times. Nothing more.
Now it's becoming almost a regular thing. Whenever I eat something I know is healthy though, I won't throw it up and I make sure it's a normal-sized serving. But if it's like a cupcake, or something sweet, I go and throw it up. I feel an urge to do it, like if I don't my body will absorb it immediately and I'll get fat. So it's not with everything I eat - I DO eat - I just feel the need to throw up if I ate too much, or if I ate something that's not healthy.
So, technically, because I'm making myself throw up food I eat sometimes that means I'm bulimic, right? I don't want to be, I used to criticize (not publicly) those kind of girls. And now.... I'm one of them....? It's really weird for me to accept it, like my mind keeps rejecting the thought of me being bulimic. It feels weird even saying it right now.
I'm not doing it for attention, (literally no one knows I do this) I do it because I feel like I HAVE to. To feel better about myself. It's some kind of way for me to control what's going into my body. And because no one knows about it, that shows I'm not attention-seeking, right? I don't want to to be percieved as an "attention-whore" or anything.
Anyone who is, or has been, bulimic, please give your advice, what you're going through, or what you have been through in the past because of this. It would help. And of course other people who aren't, or never have been bulimic, can express their opinion too. I'm not afraid of the cold-hard truth. Give it to me sraight.
No judgment though, I already feel like shit about myself.
Thanks.
The Answer
Yes, you have an eating disorder.
This is why it is, absolutely, without a doubt, an eating disorder:
"I do it because I feel like I HAVE to. To feel better about myself. It's some kind of way for me to control what's going into my body."
That is pretty much the text book description of an eating disorder.
Mental illness is almost never about attention seeking. Most people who are suffering the most, are also working the hardest to hide it. That is part of how a mental illness keeps itself protected from outside interference and treatment. Like a virus, the mental illness doesn't want to be made better.
Eating disorders where never my brand of mental illness, but I remember well the idea of not being able to tell anyone because I didn't want to be attention seeking or overreacting. I avoided attention and under reacted myself right into the hospital several times. So please, don't go that path. Pick an adult, or two, in your life and let them know what you are doing.
Therapy is really, really effective in handling these sorts of things, but first you have to willing to strike the first blow against the illness, and that is publically exposing it.
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The Question
21/f.
I recently started dating a new guy. Everything is great and all, but he talks about his ex girlfriend a lot. They broke up 7 months ago, and she dumped him via sms then went out with a new guy 2 days later. I ask him why he talks about her and he says he is just venting, because he thought what she did was cruel and heartless.
They were only together like 3 months, but she was his "first" (if you get me) He tells me that he is totally in love with me, he was only "love struck" by her and that I'm much better than her and he hates her now. Whenever I get mad at him mentioning her he stops but it always comes up again.
I don't get why he is still mentioning her. I was with a guy for 2 years and that ended badly too (abuse) but I almost never bring him up. Why is he still going on about this girl? I don't think he still likes her but I don't know why he is still bringing her up even after all this time.
Thanks, and sorry for the ramble!
The Answer
In many ways an emotionally cold breakup leaves you with more to vent about than an abusive or downright evil one.
Relationships that end for OBVIOUS reasons, like cheating or violence, require much less thinking or talking about. Relationships that end for more complex or confusing reasons tend to lend themselves to more chatter.
The best thing you can do is keep your ears open for what brings on this venting. Is it because he still trying to be her friend? Is it because other friends keep reporting to him about her? Is it because he still has contact with her online? Whatever is at the root of his continuing complaints about her is the behavoir you should recommend he stop.
Venting is normal, and I wouldn't want to shut my partner down on doing that unless it was making me really, really uncomfortable. Whatever is leading the venting is the thing you might gently point out to him is causing him stress and he should stop. Stop trying be her friend if she upsets you. Ask you friends to stop reporting to you about what she is doing. Stop talking to her online...
Whatever contact he has with her that is fueling this venting and keeping the feelings fresh in his mind, that is the thing he should be encouraged to stop.
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The Question
is mastrbchun roing to do
The Answer
No. It's healthy and normal.
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The Question
My mother paid for my college tuitionwith her credit card but was expecting a check from my grandfather to pay it off, he sent the check but it is to me and my school, is there any way i can cash this check? because i do not believe the school can come with me, and why would they, they are not getting this money.
---BELOW IS BACKROUND INFORMATION---
My grandfather is having a hard time just giving me and my mother the money that he offered on my 18th birthday I am going to a community college tuition is $1850 and when we recieved our bill with added fees it came up to $2062. First he thought i was lying about the cost (he looked it up and only saw Tuition=$1850)so i took partial pictures of the bill. He claimed he wanted to see the whole bill so i told him i would have my mother fax it to him (she never did because she was so insulted). She called him and he called me and said basically hes sorry he didnt mean that he didnt trust me blahblahblah and that he is only paying for tuition NOT fees. So i accepted gladly. We got the check today and it is paid to My Name and Schools Name. I registered past the due date for the bill so we had to provide the money that day so my mother used two different credit cards and we planned on cashing this check and paying the debt off. With both of our names on the check dont we both have to be there? What should i do because i highly doubt a college will come with me to get a check that is not even for them...???
The Answer
Go into the bank and explain this to the teller. They have a degree of leeway when it comes to this sort of thing and will likely hear you out.
That is definitely the first thing to try.
If it doesn't work, your school should also be able too endorse the cheque with a stamp or letter, rather than the person standing right there with you. Talking to the payment office at the school can be your second step.
Best of luck with it.
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The Question
19/f
Hi, I didn't know what category to put this in, so I apologize if it's wrong. Anyways, lately I've been thinking of sponsoring a child. I always see those commercials on TV and they constantly break my heart, and it hurts knowing that I'm comfortable and healthy and that someone else isn't - especially someone who cannot take care of themselves.
I want to help. I'm not doing it because I feel guilty of having a better life, but because I know it's the right thing to do since and because it's something I want to do. I visited the World Vision website, and I read up on it, but some part of me is still reluctant. Are they legit? Have any of you sponsored a child? How is the process?
I figured I'd help someone in need because I have the spare $35 a month to give, and because I don't really need to spend hundreds of dollars on myself every 2 weeks like I usually do. Thanks in advance!
The Answer
This is a good thing to do, but you are damn right that not all sponsor a child programs are built equally. Some are much more reputable and better run than others.
Wikipedia is a great place to start, http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Child_sponsorship
and they do go over some of the common criticisms of child sponsorship programs (things like, how much money actually goes to the child, some programs force kids to participate in a specific religion or being too expensive to administrate).
So yes, child sponsorship has its' problems and concerns. Personally, I'd recommend that if you really want to do this, you use PLAN. I like PLAN because they have no political or religious affiliations. (So they don't force kids to read the bible in school, or only take children whose parents have the right political opinions). PLAN promises that 80% of the money go to providing services to the child and community, and 20% will be spent on the organizations (paid administrators other staff and marketing to get more donors, like commercials and billboards and websites) which is a pretty good split.
There are other good organizations too, but you can check out the Plan website for more info about how it works - http://plan-international.org/what-you-can-do/sponsor-a-child/sponsor
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The Question
hello, my names louise and im 13. i recently went on holiday with my best friend and her brother, whose friend who is two years older than me came for 3 days. as soon as i saw him i really liked him. his not the best looking boy ever but he is sweet and caring. we held hands alot and at night we slept in the front room with my friend and he had his arm round me and we kissed a few times. he knew that when he went away i would really miss him and he said he would miss me too.
since he went ive asked for his number on numberous occassions but he doesnt reply. ive spoken to him over facebook but he doesnt seem to care. if i message him he will either reply with about a sentence or ignore it. i asked whether he was free in the next two weeks because i really miss him but he didnt reply.
i really want his number so i can try and talk to him more. ive cried because all i want it to be able to see him. but for starters he doesnt know how i feel about him because i never told him when i had the chance. and secondly he lives about 50 minutes from me.
i REALLY love him. and i dont know what ive done wrong for him to ignore me like this.
thankyou x
The Answer
He's not into you.
He is very deliberately ignoring you. This isn't going to go anywhere at all.
I'm sorry. I know it hurts. It's very possible you didn't do anything at all wrong. It's very possible that you could be the perfect girl for him in every possible way. You can do and be everything right and still have a guy not be interested in you.
Stop trying to contact him. You are only prolonging your own suffering. You can't get over him if you keep hunting him, so stop it. It will hurt like hell for a while, but that will pass.
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The Question
I moved into a 4 bedroom apartment this year for college. I have my own bedroom and 3 roommates. The roommates have been living here for a long time and are good friends. They are 3-4 years older than me, which makes it hard to relate to them. I get along with them just fine. I go out with my other friends that are my age and when I come to the apartment, all I want to do is sit in my room and relax by myself. Should I feel bad that I'm not spending more time with them? I mean, we go out to dinner every once in a while and say hi in passing, but I don't feel like sitting with them in the living room when I could be sleeping or doing my homework...
The Answer
As long as you aren't being a bad roommate, and being inconsiderate or rude, there is nothing wrong with not having much in common with your roommates.
I've always been a sit in my room kind of girl. Even when I lived with close friends I take my relaxing time alone. It's just how I like to live at home.
I think if you are going out to eat with them sometimes you are probably doing a good job of building and maintaining exactly the kind of friendship you should have with your roommates. It doesn't have to be uber close, you just need a bit of friendship there to keep everything civil.
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The Question
I had a nightmare that i was laying in a casket thirsty. this nightmare was so creepy. i'm scared that this is foreshadowing thati will die. but don't plenty of people have weird nightmares liket his that mean absolutely nothing at all? i'm scared haha is that a stupid reason to be?? I'm re doing my room and i liked this ruffly one and my twin says not to get it cause it looks like a dead girl's blanket so when i took my nap i was trying to figure out what would look good in my new room and maybe thats why i dreamt that? also, i began to think that i might be bisexual and i keep talking to this one guy who my sister likes and i'm scared that she'll find out and i commented a bisexual girl's picture on facebook saying your so pretty girl
The Answer
Dreams of dying are the second most common dream, right after dreams of falling.
So, really, there is no reason to worry yourself about it. All it likely is is an expression of the fear and stress you felt about exploring your sexuality in even that little way. You probably dream of dying pretty often, and you just remembered this one by chance!
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The Question
Okay I will sound so stupid.. but how do you kiss a boy. Like first kiss basis.
Do you open your mouth at all.. or not. That's the main thing I want to know.
The Answer
The funny thing about kissing is that everyone does it differently.
I dated a boy for years who, the first time we kissed, we knocked teeth. But since we both had a bit of experience with kissing, we knew not to worry about that kind of weirdness and just kept going without giving it a thought.
Everybody is different, so every time you kiss someone new it is a bit like learning to kiss all over again and that stuff happens.
You don't need to open your mouth, and if you are nervous it's easiest not to at first. If he opens his, you can just part your lips a bit to fit. The best thing you can do is relax and know it wont be completely perfect the first time. The goal is to kiss someone you can kiss again and get better at it.
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