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Is he still hung up over his ex?
21/f.
I recently started dating a new guy. Everything is great and all, but he talks about his ex girlfriend a lot. They broke up 7 months ago, and she dumped him via sms then went out with a new guy 2 days later. I ask him why he talks about her and he says he is just venting, because he thought what she did was cruel and heartless.
They were only together like 3 months, but she was his "first" (if you get me) He tells me that he is totally in love with me, he was only "love struck" by her and that I'm much better than her and he hates her now. Whenever I get mad at him mentioning her he stops but it always comes up again.
I don't get why he is still mentioning her. I was with a guy for 2 years and that ended badly too (abuse) but I almost never bring him up. Why is he still going on about this girl? I don't think he still likes her but I don't know why he is still bringing her up even after all this time.
Thanks, and sorry for the ramble!
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Oh well maybe he is not ready to say goodbye to her since he probabaly had big feelings for her , if he said she was his first and all , do not worry about it. He will get over it , just be calm and do not get tensed/stressed/worked up and out of it over it. My advice to you is just do not get so worked up about it , things will get better eventually, it will just take sometime so don't worry about it.
Good luck girl : )
- Do not let him go , it will work out!
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Venting is a normal human reaction BUT (behold the underlining truth) 3 months is a long time to vent. While she may have done something cruel and heartless to him. That is no reason for him to be cruel and heartless to you.
Every time he vents he re-lives the pain of his past relationship and unfortunately makes you watch. She was cruel to him over 7mths ago. He has been cruel to himself ever since. Why give her so much power? Makes you wonder if he still has feeling for her? The answer is yes, even if it isn't love. He has feelings of pain, anger and resentment. That has no place in your relationship with him. Explain to him that you after that you don't want her hurting him or you anymore.
Let him know that it is healthier for him and your relationship if he lets this pain go. Tell him he gets one long, epic rant. He can curse, shout, complain and even whine about her. You will be there to hear him, love him, comfort him and be understanding. But that is it. In the future it's just you and him. His ex and feelings about his ex are in the past. Let them stay there.
Exception: if he needs to use her or any other ex as a example to improve his relationship with you. eg. I don't like it when you...because X use to.... (it's difficult to explain feelings and former examples help, ex's do sometimes come up in new relationships - it should be very limited)
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In many ways an emotionally cold breakup leaves you with more to vent about than an abusive or downright evil one.
Relationships that end for OBVIOUS reasons, like cheating or violence, require much less thinking or talking about. Relationships that end for more complex or confusing reasons tend to lend themselves to more chatter.
The best thing you can do is keep your ears open for what brings on this venting. Is it because he still trying to be her friend? Is it because other friends keep reporting to him about her? Is it because he still has contact with her online? Whatever is at the root of his continuing complaints about her is the behavoir you should recommend he stop.
Venting is normal, and I wouldn't want to shut my partner down on doing that unless it was making me really, really uncomfortable. Whatever is leading the venting is the thing you might gently point out to him is causing him stress and he should stop. Stop trying be her friend if she upsets you. Ask you friends to stop reporting to you about what she is doing. Stop talking to her online...
Whatever contact he has with her that is fueling this venting and keeping the feelings fresh in his mind, that is the thing he should be encouraged to stop.
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I wish I could tell you some magic recipe that will make him stop talking about her, but it is almost like you are encouraging his behavior. I'll explain...He brings up his ex, you get visibly jealous, it helps his self-esteem to see you jealous over him. Get it?
So, in a sick and twisted way, his bringing up his ex may be some screwed up way he has of measuring how secure his relationship is with you. Try giving a different reaction and see what happens.
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