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feeling lost and confused
Hello,
I have been married for 2 years. My husband seems to feel the need to have female friends. One female friend he has known a very long time and they are like brother/sister.I am actually fine w/their friendship. Today I want out of town and he told me she was going to spend the night at our place as she lives far away. I told him I felt very uncomfortable w/any female spending the night while I am not there. So now he is mad at me,does not see my point and thinks I am wrong for my views on this.
I do have an issue w/his other female friend. They worked together for 1 year and have seemed to develop a very close friendship. I found out that he was holding money for her, they would have lunch at work together. There were rumors of them having an affair. I told him there friendship was way too close but again, he does not see anything wrong w/it.
I don't know what to do and how to make him see my side. We all know if the tables were turned he would feel the same way!
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Maybe give some free advice about: Love Life?
trust your husband. tell him how you feel, let him explain, and then believe him. simple as that. if you chose to marry him, i hope you did so with the knowledge that he was a good, responsible, loving person whom you could trust.
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Well , I think to be honest the husband she be glad he has you by his side no matter what. Why does he need more females? Why that one in particular? If he was mad about it obviously some of the rumours were true and something might have happened because why would he ask to have come over the night , the night YOU are going out of town.... if he did not care , he would not get mad at you. The thing is he is mad so he has a problem with it because there is something going around with it , while if he was not mad he would accept your view and let it slide , he would not mention it in the first place unless it was an emergency like going bankrupt no place to stay sort of thing. Also , a brotherly/sister relationship... well you and him should have that relationship first since you guys are SOUL MATES. You should sit down and talk to him more since you guys are fully committed. My advice to you is think this through , keep in site where this might go regarding their friendship , and do not get too fussy about it , just act cool. I am sorry to hear this. I hope it works out.
Good luck girl : )
- You'll score him back anytime!
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I am a great deal older than most of the advisers on this site, so my advice will be somewhat different from what you may have received and may continue to receive from others.
I have been married for almost 40 years. When we first married my wife said to me, “you can look at the menu all you want, you just cannot reorder”.
My wife knows I am a people person I like to interact with all types of people of various interests; it fun, entertaining and a learning experience. My wife’s words to me mean that I can sit at the table but sampling is not allowed. Having friends of the opposite sex even in marriage is not a precursor to cheating. They are and just maybe two people who have shared the same experiences that you and your husband have not shared and are able to support each other through some thick and thin times.
Your stress over someone you do not know spending the night when you are not home is well founded. Your husband would be just as upset and equally well founded if the situation was reversed. Both of you may have the best of intentions in inviting a guest to spend the night. The unknown variable is the intentions of the guest.
The bigger issue here is one of trust. You are okay with the one female friend but not with the other. If your husband is aware of your discomfort with the one female friend he could do more to ease your feelings. You could also have more trust that your husband loves you and is not cheating on you; that this friend is just someone he shares and interest with that cannot be adequately shared with you.
The issue of trust is going to be wedge between you and your husband and could ruin your marriage if you do not address it properly. I suggest you and your husband jointly and separately seek out a qualified marriage counselor to address this issue.
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If the tables were turned, and he would might feel the same way -- He would be wrong as well.
Fundamentally, it comes down to this:
A man who will cheat on you, will cheat on you, regardless of friendship with other women.
A man who will not cheat, wont, regardless of friendship with other women.
Decide if you trust your husband to be the first kind, or if you do not trust him. If you do not trust him, the right path is marriage counseling, not trying to control his friendships.
A boundary about overnight guests might make some sense, but it seems odd when you say you have no problem with their long-time friendship. Those two things seem inconsistent.
Your problems with his work friend is vague and nonspecific. Nothing you've described about their relationship is actually inappropriate (except from the rumor mill, which is not their fault).
Your very first sentence here, that your husband feels the 'need' to have female friends, is unfairly judgmental. Everyone needs friends, some of those friendships might be with females.
Even if you do trust your husband not to cheat, your feelings and stress is very real and should be addressed. Counseling is always a good path when you find yourselves butting heads consistently over the same topic. Please know I don't think you are completely wrong. There is probably things you are both doing to feed this, but it's bigger than friendships.
Whatever is bothering you, and making you fearful is probably not these two woman. Take the opportunity to improve your marriage and communications with a professional.
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