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What the hell was I thinking??
22/f. Not that any of you can read my mind, but any kind of insight would be wonderful. I apologize for the length here, but I need help.
Okay.
When I was 18, my boyfriend at the time had just broken up with me. He had been emotionally abusive, and quite good at convincing me that I was unattractive. Even so, as the vicious cycle goes, I thought I loved him. So these friends of mine said, "You're hot, who cares what he says? Let's do a photoshoot and we'll show you, and you can show him what he's throwing away."
So we did. But, uh, it got carried away, pretty much, and turned kind of pornographic. Like, straight up shots of my *ahem*, and things...I didn't even remember it getting that carried away. I was depressed at the time, and I swear I wasn't even mentally present.
A couple of years later, I did yet ANOTHER nude shoot, modeling for a guy friend of mine. We did more artistic shots, but a couple of them were kinda raunchy. I thought I was doing him a favor, modeling for him so he could work on his portfolio, and I thought it'd be fun to see myself looking hot. It never occurred to me that he was just trying to see me naked, but that's what my current boyfriend says.
Now I'm 22, I've found the man with whom I envision myself having a future, and we're ridiculously happy and in love, but he is absolutely HORRIFIED and disgusted by these indiscretions. He finds them immoral, and he gets panicky when he thinks of my naked pictures being out there. I do, too, don't get me wrong...but the first pair of friends let me search every computer in their house (they're a couple; they live together) and delete ALL pictures of me. My guy was mad at me for not getting copies of them before I deleted them, because he wanted to know what he was dealing with...and he has a right to know, it's true. I just wanted them gone, you know? Even so, my guy's convinced they have copies of them hidden somewhere.
Anyway, I digress.
My boyfriend wants SO BADLY to understand what the hell I was thinking. Why the draw? Why did I want these people to see me naked? Why the hell did I let them KEEP the pictures? Why was I so open about my body and sexuality when I'm really very self-conscious and shy about it?
It drives him crazy to hear me say I don't know, but I really don't! I don't know why I did those things, and I hate myself for doing them. It's disgusting and slutty, and...just...UGH!!
Anyone have any ideas? ANY insight? Any thoughts? Comments? Something?
Thanks for your help...:'(
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Ahahaha and you bought it.
He's pissed off that he didn't get to see them. I'm not even kidding. He's got a territorial issue with the fact that "his girl" got naked around "other guys" even if it was before he ever got with you, but "I want to know what I'm dealing with" really means "I want to see the pictures of the more sexual less restrained you that someone else got to see and I haven't".
Trust me. I'm a guy, and we're all pervs. Every single fucking one of us. He's mad he didn't get to see the pictures.
You did something stupid. Yeah, people do stupid stuff. You said you were depressed? Depressed people can very, very easily behave irrationally.
You wanted to feel good. You wanted to feel sexy and desirable. Having nude shots taken seemed like an easy way to do it. Do you have any idea how common it is for girls around your age to allow a few nudes to be taken by some random friend that they regret? We've got "sexting crisis" in the news because underagers are even doing it with their camera phones.
He has no right to be disgusted and you really have no business. It's something you did in the past, it's something you wouldn't choose to do again, but that doesn't make it "disgusting" it just makes it a mistake.
You're going to have to accept this. You've labeled yourself "shy and not sexually open" but clearly your actual personality and the degree to which you're self conscious are not in sync. Basically, you stepped out of the self conscious shoes for a second and just said fuck it.
All in all, when judgment is used, that's not a bad thing. But depression and abuse removed your judgment and trying to help a photographer friend is not something that's disgusting, immoral, etc.
Your boyfriend is a mite controlling here. He's trying to convince you that your decisions were bad because he's uncomfortable with them. If you're uncomfortable about them, that's one thing. He really should not get a say in the matter, considering that it's past and you obviously have no desire to repeat.
I've had nude shots taken (abeit, ones that didn't show my dick) for the purpose of art. I was part of a photography major's senior project, and I'd guess probably about five hundred people saw me naked.
That's not a bad thing. The human body is natural, it's beautiful, and it's natural both to want to see and to want to show.
We've been taught that it's immoral, it's not. That's just the trappings of religion which has spent 2 millennia demonizing sex and sexuality so that people feel guilty for natural urges.
You need to stop with the self hate. Somehow I think that your boyfriend has generated these feelings in you, that you've only felt slutty since he found out and took issue, that you've only felt depraved since the guy you love felt threatened.
That's a problem. I feel like rather than deciding how you want to feel about it yourself you're letting the guy you care about make that decision for you. You need to stop taking everyone else's opinions as your own and stop hating yourself for young stupidity and errors in judgement that happened when you were in a compromised state of mind.
There is nothing wrong with wanting to feel beautiful after some jackass spends time trying to break you down and convince you you aren't. You made decisions, now decide to live with them, forgive yourself, and move on.
If your boyfriend keeps pressing the issue, tell him to drop it. If he doesn't, drop him. You're 22, there are plenty of other guys out there who will encourage your sexuality and encourage you to explore it in healthy ways for _you_ rather than tell you you're disgusting.
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I think the real issue your boyfriend is having is that you cannot quite pinpoint WHY you did these things in the past. You explain some reasoning behind it yet when you are presented with the direct question of, "Why did you take the nude photos?" you cannot explain. This makes it seem like the things you said before presented with the direct question were just being said to get him "off you back" or "out of your hair" about the incident.
The truth is, you know, I know, and he knows that taking erotic photos with friends because you're feeling low is not normal. It isn't healthy. It's, to say the least, self-destructive.
He wants to know why. Guys grow up learning a different pattern of thought than women. We're told to hug and cuddle baby dolls--and that feelings and emotions are the most important things about a person. Men aren't quite taught that sort of thing. They're handed G.I. Joes and told that being muscular and brave makes a man a man and are the most important things.
He doesn't "get" what pushed you to do the photo-shoots when you are claiming it was emotional distress. What makes the situation worse is that you didn't just do it once. You did it twice. The second time is blatantly obvious to any outsider that the guy just wanted to get in your pants and check you out. I know how it is to be naive. It just doesn't seem like someone who has been sexually involved in these sorts of photos would think, "Oh! He just wants some good photos! That's all!" I mean, once you do the nasty on camera then when somebody whips out of camera it isn't like you never thought of showing your naughty bits. I hope that makes sense.
Nobody takes a nude photo set for no reason. You don't just buy a digital camera and go at it to trash the photos or store them for some odd rainy day. You usually have a plan behind them.
The first time you have no idea what the plan was. Apparently, from what you say, the initial plan was to give them to your ex-boyfriend to throw your body in his face as a sort-of, "You won't get better than this!" attitude. When that passed the people who took the photos probably had more intention since they kept them. People can sell these things on the internet. I know a girl who actually sold a few photos of herself for quick cash before. People usually do these things to make money. Not to just keep them around.
The second time you were under the impression that your body was a work of art and that this guy was going to do something great with the photos. Be realistic here. We aren't living in fantasy land. You know guys are guys and that they typically think with their penises. It's OK to say, "I thought it would be fun to get naked for the camera again. It made me feel attractive again." I mean absolutely disrespect but what you say about this particular incident sounds like a load of bull. In any way, you knew the photos were going to be used in some fashion. Who knows if the boy really did put them in his portfolio (which, by the way, is the one of the oldest "lines in the book" when trying to bang a lady-friend). It's kind-of too late to worry about it.
So, your current boyfriend finds out that you showed you goods on camera twice. You can't really explain why. You can't pinpoint your reasoning. "I didn't feel good about myself so I got naked and had sex on camera," just doesn't sound sane, to be quite honest. He's hoping you're sane. He's going, "Please, God, say you had a good reason for this!" He wants to understand so he knows if this sort of mess is going to happen in the future. If you cannot explain your past then how will you ever be able to have a stable future? They say you learn from the past--how can you learn if you have absolutely no idea what drives you to do the things you do?
Your boyfriend isn't being an ass.
He's worried. He wants to know YOU. He wants to know what makes you tick. He wants to know what drives you. He thought he knew and then you threw these naked shots in his face with a, "Whoops! Lapse of sanity!"
Sit down and discuss it with him. Try to figure out what made the photo-shoots so appealing BOTH times. Explain how you felt. Explain what was going through your mind. Explain what was fascinating about the shots, the camera being directed at you, or your friends being so interested in your naked body.
Then, apologize. Explain that you cannot believe you let it happen twice but now that you've figured out what caused the whole mess then you know not to get into that sort of predicament again. There are better ways to handle break-ups. You are smarter than to believe a young photographer just wants some good shots and that you're the only woman on the planet that can give him those.
Then give this time to heal over. Talk with him until all of his questions are answered and you've found the real reasons behind your actions. Let him think things over.
If I found out that my partner had taken a sexual photo-shoot I would be pretty upset, especially if he had given all of the photos of a friend for keeping and deleted them, randomly, when I found out. I would be mortified to find out that he did it twice--and for an even dumber reason the second time.
Take a good, long look at your past. Think about you history. Think about how you feel and how you've felt about your body. Think about why you found taking nude photos of yourself to be truly appealing. If you come up with the, "I felt bad about myself and wanted to rub my body in my ex's face!" again then something is wrong. I don't think the average female takes pornographic shots of herself during an emotional break-down without any sort of thought process to it to drive her. Then, if you claim it was all part of some huge emotional break-down then explaining the second time is going to be even tougher. It's pretty hard to say, "I was really dumb and had no idea he had a penis!"
Your guy just wants to know why.
Try to figure it out and work with him on this. In time he will heal. I'm sure it's just a big shock factor for him.
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Elliah4yue:
it a case of my ex...everything he said bout you
it what made you take the pictures what he used to do to you is what made you take the pictures
why cause you felt like you had beauty and you was free on the side I cant tell why you let them keep the pictures maybe the thought ran through your mind of people wanting you (just guessing on that part)but im to tell you this if you havent told your new guy bout your ex then you should
and if you ever get the thought/ flash back of what your ex say and do to you dont go taking naked photos cause that a great possibility
it may lead in to having sex with others be cause you lovig the feeling of someone touching and wanting it could happen alot of girls and womens go throught situations like this....so this is what you should do tell your self you love your self over and over give your self hug....
..................................................
I believe that every women and girl is beautiful sexy gorgeous hot and fine
Elliah4yue
please leave a message in the inbox
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I feel as though I remember you asking a very similar question quite a while ago, and part of my advice is based on the idea that this has been an ongoing disagreement between you and your boyfriend for quite some time now.
I hope you can seriously consider that you describe a habit in earlier relationships of allowing your boyfriend to define how you feel about things and how you perceive yourself.
Your current boyfriend, despite being a better man in many ways, it pulling the same sort of thing on you, just in a different way.
Your boyfriend is being unfairly judgmental of your choices, choices you seem to regret yes, but you certainly don't seem to have the anger, shame or fear he is trying to push onto you because of these incidents.
Your boyfriend is out of line. He needs to accept everyone comes with a past, and live with you in the present. He is not entitled to a perfect explanation. You might not ever have one that will satisfy him. You've been trying, for months. He needs to learn to accept the explanations he has been given.
You don't know exactly why you did it. Frankly, I respect that a lot. Instead of lying and making up a reason just to make everyone feel okay, you are having the strength and sense to be honest and say you don't exactly know. You have a few theories, and understand where you were at the time that made the behavoir seem like a good idea. What more is he looking for than that?
If this has been going on for months, it's not time to tell your boyfriend to back the hell off, and make his peace with not quite getting it.
What he is doing is deeply distrustful, and some what controlling. He needs to stop harping on this. He does have a right to know about your sexual history, he absolutely doesn't have a 'right' to see the photos or to try and convince you they still exist, when you feel otherwise.
Being annoyed that you didn't save copies for him to see is actually a very scummy position to take. His heart might be in the right place, but his behavoir is not at all right.
Mistakes that are this far in the past, and regretted, should not be this degree of a problem in your current relationship. Whether he means too or not, your boyfriend is dragging you through the muck and you don't deserve it. Tell him you've answered his questions to the best of your ability, and it's now time for him to stop his judgment, stop his paranoia, and stop his bullying to find out some unattainable 'why' that will make it all okay to him. It's all right that he is uncomfortable, but his punishment of you should now be over.
You know you made an error, you aren't paranoid and you don't know why. It's time for him to respect this as part of your experience and past, and simply trust you when you say it is in the past.
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