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Am I Bulimic?
I'm 18/f and I am 5'10'' weighing about 165 lbs.
I've always had somewhat of an issue with my body. I have huge hips, and (not huge) but a pretty bigger than normal ass, and my breasts are DD's. I've got a definitely noticeable hourglass figure.
Over the years, I've randomly made myself throw up just because I felt like I ate too much. Just a few times. Nothing more.
Now it's becoming almost a regular thing. Whenever I eat something I know is healthy though, I won't throw it up and I make sure it's a normal-sized serving. But if it's like a cupcake, or something sweet, I go and throw it up. I feel an urge to do it, like if I don't my body will absorb it immediately and I'll get fat. So it's not with everything I eat - I DO eat - I just feel the need to throw up if I ate too much, or if I ate something that's not healthy.
So, technically, because I'm making myself throw up food I eat sometimes that means I'm bulimic, right? I don't want to be, I used to criticize (not publicly) those kind of girls. And now.... I'm one of them....? It's really weird for me to accept it, like my mind keeps rejecting the thought of me being bulimic. It feels weird even saying it right now.
I'm not doing it for attention, (literally no one knows I do this) I do it because I feel like I HAVE to. To feel better about myself. It's some kind of way for me to control what's going into my body. And because no one knows about it, that shows I'm not attention-seeking, right? I don't want to to be percieved as an "attention-whore" or anything.
Anyone who is, or has been, bulimic, please give your advice, what you're going through, or what you have been through in the past because of this. It would help. And of course other people who aren't, or never have been bulimic, can express their opinion too. I'm not afraid of the cold-hard truth. Give it to me sraight.
No judgment though, I already feel like shit about myself.
Thanks.
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Maybe give some free advice about: Illnesses?
You know you are not alone.
And you know you need some professional help.
Look for a therapist or counselor, not necessarily one who specializes in bulimia, but one whose been around awhile and you like - it sometimes can take a little trial and error. Figuring out why you have poor body image and why you deal with eating this way will make it easier for you to change how you do things.
I haven't had an eating disorder but I had another problem that tended to gross people out. When I figured out why, through some hard work in therapy, it make a huge improvement in my life.
You do not have to continue this way, that's the cold hard truth.
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Yes, you have an eating disorder.
This is why it is, absolutely, without a doubt, an eating disorder:
"I do it because I feel like I HAVE to. To feel better about myself. It's some kind of way for me to control what's going into my body."
That is pretty much the text book description of an eating disorder.
Mental illness is almost never about attention seeking. Most people who are suffering the most, are also working the hardest to hide it. That is part of how a mental illness keeps itself protected from outside interference and treatment. Like a virus, the mental illness doesn't want to be made better.
Eating disorders where never my brand of mental illness, but I remember well the idea of not being able to tell anyone because I didn't want to be attention seeking or overreacting. I avoided attention and under reacted myself right into the hospital several times. So please, don't go that path. Pick an adult, or two, in your life and let them know what you are doing.
Therapy is really, really effective in handling these sorts of things, but first you have to willing to strike the first blow against the illness, and that is publically exposing it.
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