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Razhie. Advicenators Member Since: June 13, 2005. Answers: 5077. Visitors: 211514.
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The Question
I just told my professor that I didn't hand in my major assignment. I wanted to keep it quiet until he brought it up but thought I should let him know for courtesy. Embarrassing as it is, I am thinking what he must think of me now: a complete idiot! How do I deal with the situation?
The Answer
How you deal depends on the situation.
If you'll be handing it in later, you ask to arrange a meeting with your professor to discuss when you think you'll be able to hand it in (or even, a part if it, if he would agree to mark a segment of the project so you don't get zero).
If you are not going to hand it in at all. You ought to tell him that as well, so he doesn't delay his reporting or anything on the hope you might hand it in. If you are choosing to take a fail on it, make sure he knows that.
You can't control what he thinks of you (and honestly, he has a lot of students, he probably isn't spending all that much time thinking about you) but the best way to improve his opinion of you is to be really clear about what you are doing.
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The Question
Small, large or medium?
The Answer
The one that says it's sized for a 34inch waist, and check out the bust and hip measurements while you are at it.
A proper corset should NOT be sized, small, medium and large. That's a poorly designed product and not really a corset at all. To get a corset to fit properly the sizing needs to be more specific.
If you are trying to buy online, e-mail the seller and ask for more details and their advice. No one can reliably tell you what corset to buy with no more information that your waist measurement and 'small, medium or large'.
Maybe, if you need to ask this question yet again, you could include a link the product you are considering? That might help.
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The Question
I'm 20 yrs old and I have been with my boyfriend and the father of our 2 children since I was 14. I love him more than words can explain. He is a great father, friend, and lover. I feel like we are perfect for each other, and just like every other healthy couple we have our disputes. He just has the tendency to push things to far.. he is a natural born instigator, and I am the type of person who does not like to get fired up or messed with & HE KNOWS THIS! It literally drives me insane and he does it EVERY SINGLE DAY! He acts like there is nothing wrong with it and I end up crying because I am a very emotional person and don't have any other way to express my anger. I don't want to break up with him because he is truly my soul mate and I DON'T want anyone else... but I just wanna be happier and not have to deal with that every single day of my life. One day soon i'm SURE I WILL SNAPP!!!
The Answer
You can't control what he does. You can control your reactions to him.
That's a fundamental truth of the universe.
Couples therapy would be a great idea for the two of you. Changing patterns and the way you fight is damn hard work - especially having spent so much time together. If your boyfriend wont go with you, go by yourself to get some tools to change the way you interact with him.
You mention in your question a few times that you are this way, and you are that way. To stay sane and together, you might have to change some of things you believe about yourself. You can ask him to change. You can take him to therapy and encourage him to change. In the end though, he might not change, which means it falls to you to find a way to keep yourself sane and to stop the responses that are hurting you.
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The Question
I am taking care of my 86yo. father and he smokes a pack a day of cigarettes. I hate the smell and I don't want them around my 12 yo. daughter (his grandaughter), but he suffers from dimensia and he forgets to not light up in the house and I am afraid of a possible fire risk. He can't drive anymore and I have contemplated just not buying him anymore smokes. But I feel it would be torture for him yet ultimately good for all of us. Should I force him to stop smoking even though he has enjoyed this privaldge all of his life?
The Answer
It's a tough one.
It's the safety concern that hits home with me the most - if you are genuinely afraid your father's smoking presents a risk of fire, then his smoking needs to be monitored and restricted. Period.
Not buying him anymore smokes would be, I think, unfairly cruel. Smoking wasn't just a privilege for him - for most of his life he would have seen it as his right to smoke. With closer monitoring of his smoking habits, the second hand smoke risk could be minimized for your daughter, and it’s not as though he is really putting himself at much additional risk after a life time of smoking.
I agree with familyfirst that it’s fair and rational for you father to be limited to smoking when there is a supervising adult around. Of course, this means more work for you, and any other adult in your house, plus the tough emotional work of explaining to your father that he can no longer have a cigarette whenever he would like. Taking them away entirely might seem easier; unfortunately, the harder path is the most ethical one.
You might talk to your father’s doctor for guidance on how to explain the new situation to your dad, and if there is anything you can offer him to ease to discomfort of less smoking. If you have any care staff (Meals on Wheels coming in, or things like that) they might be kind enough to jump on board, and stay the extra 5 mins with your dad so that he could have a cigarette.
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The Question
I know STDs are obviously diseases and spread through sex. I was wondering if you have sex on your period if you're more prone to getting an STD of some sort? Because obviously there's blood involved and it's coming from you and they say a lot of diseases are bloodborne. I'm not going to have sex on my period though. I'm just curious about it because it makes a lot of sense to me that it would be more dangerous or whatever.
The Answer
As others have said, being on your period doesn't affect your risk of catching an STI.
It's true that many STIs are blood born, but there is a difference between having an open sore, and menstruating.
Cuts and sores in your mouth or on your gentiles can put you at greater risk for getting catching an STI, but menstrual blood is really no different as it's being released, then it is while it is lining the walls of the uterus. It doesn't affect THE WOMAN's chances of STI transmission.
However, if the menstruating woman is infected her partners can be at greater risk for her transmitting any STIs to them (depending on the STI she has, it can be present in menstrual blood).
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The Question
My son has played football for his school for 4 years now. He's never really been given an opportunity to play the position he wants. My wife and my son talked to the coach about it. He assured them that my son works hard in practice and the coach told him if stayed where he was he would be a starter. He also told my son that if he ever had a problem that he shouldn't be afraid to talk to him. He assured him that he was there to help in any way. It's been 4 games into the season and my son hasn't played a down. My son decided to tell the coach he had a problem and would like to talk to him. The coach told him he was really busy and would talk to him tomorrow. The next day he finally got to talk to the coach and instead of solving the problem he decided to pass the buck by telling him to talk to the other coach. Now I'm angry at the coach for lying to my son and my wife. I want to confront the coach about his lack of integrity, but my son also plays basketball and baseball, and I don't want this coach telling his other coaches that I'm a problem parent. Should I confront this coach and risk repercussions on my son or should I stay out of it and let my son think that this coach could care less about him? My son is an honor student and a good athlete. The coach said he works hard in practice. My son is nowhere near the best player on the team, but he is better than some of the ones who are playing all the time.
The Answer
Let your son talk to other coach.
It's understandable that you are upset, but what you see as 'passing the buck' may legitimately be the right course of action for your son to have been advised in. Give him the benefit of the doubt, and encourage your son to approach the other coach. It's not as though this coach told your son to curl up and die - he provided an action plan for the boy.
This coach might be the asshole you are thinking he is – or he may have honestly done the helpful thing and given the best advice he had.
See how this plays out,before assuming and confronting. It’s not a bad lesson for your son in life to be told “Okay, I’m not the right person to address this problem. Take it over there.”
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The Question
My bf and I been together for like 3 months. He's grate. Love him. And then we started off kinda diffrent than most couples cause we hooked up @ a party of my friends and like went at it and he told me he liked me after and that was that for us. We never use condoms tho and he always always cums in me. we probably do it like idk at least once every day but sometimes twice not always?? Anyways my period aint come yet this month and I'm like am I pregnant? What are the ODDS of getting pregnant like this? Cause I told if you have sex EVERY day then you cant get pregnant cause his sperms go too low and there aint enough to cause pregnancy. mom knows we been doing it so R E L A X were cool
The Answer
It's extremely like you are pregnant.
I don't know who told you that having sex everyday lowers his sperm count to point you can't get pregnant - That is lunancy. It's absolutely not true.
Everything is no cool. You are probably pregnant. Get to a doctor to have a test to confirm.
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The Question
Please help
The Answer
Depends where you are buying it from, and for what reasons.
Proper corsets, should come with proper measurements, not just a random size. You'll need a tape measure to take your measurments in order to pick a size correctly.
This is espcailly true if you want a corset that will take you in at the waist.
If you are trying to buy something online but are confused, the best thing to do is e-mail the seller and ask them for more details.
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The Question
14/f
About a month ago I went to this concert with my friend. It was an amazing concert and we met a huge group of boys there (like 10 of them). We found out they live in a town about thirty minutes away from where we live and we exchanged phone numbers. So I was texting a few of them but one guy and I really understood eachother and got a long great. We had deep conversations about drugs, religion, and we both thought it was awesome with could be so open with eachother. His name is Alec. About a week or two after the concert we hung out with one of the guys named Zac and only him. That was the only time we seen any other them since the concert. We have talked about hanging out again. I still have contact with all them but not daily, every once in a while. We are supposed to meet up with them at another concert in October. Anyways, lately Alec hasn't been texting me back. Like we had a great thing going and then BAM! it stopped. I will text him and no response at all. A week ago or so I had my friend text him and he texted her back but not me. So the other day, I found out he got a girlfriend. So I thought hey maybe the reason he hasn't been texting me back is because he has a girlfriend. And I'll be the first to admit we did flirt a bit. So maybe since he has a girlfriend he doesn't want that and I don't know. I know if I had gotten a boyfriend I'd still talk to him. So why do you think he hasn't texted me back?
The Answer
Because he has a girlfriend.
I rarely say things that firmly, but duh, that's what it is.
It's okay if you thought you just flirted 'a bit'. He might have felt it was more, or that even 'a bit' was going too far and not fair to his new girlfriend, or to you. If the relationship is new for him, they are probably still figuring out what works for them and he is spending a lot of time only thinking about her.
Back off a bit. If you see Alec agian, strike up a more plutonic, less flirty, friendship, and he might come around and realize you could be just a cool friend to have. If you push right now, you'll just reinforce his idea that you aren't someone he should have contact with, either because he'll be afriad of leading you on and hurting you, or offending his girlfriend.
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The Question
so without going "could i?", i know i could be. i had sex, unprotected, and even though he didn't cum inside me, its still possible, end of discussion.
moving on to my actual QUESTION: my period was due last thursday, (its now monday). i'm going to take a test if i haven't hit my period by friday. is this long enough to wait or should i wait a little bit longer?
The Answer
That's plenty of time.
Just read the box of the pregnancy test you purchase. Most are reliable when you are seven days late. A few are designed to be reliable after three days, but those are less common in some places.
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The Question
I feel like I have a problem... I'm extremely attracted to really dominant guys. I LIKE it when a guy bosses me around... Both of my boyfriends have been very dominant (physically and relationship wise). I also get turned on when a guy treats me like an object... Like showing me off as his prize or getting really jealous when other guys hit on me. When a guy man handles me too... I try not to let people see that this turns me on. Like I act like it bothers me but it actually makes me almost horny... Why is this?? I feel like it's weird and could be dangerous so why am I so attracted by it?
The Answer
It could be dangerous, if you don't keep it in its appropriate place.
If you do keep it in its appropriate place, it could be a hell of a lot of fun.
When I was a younger teen, I used to half-tease/half-beg my first sweet, respectful boyfriends to use 'manhands', and not be so damn gentle. It bothered me, tickled me, and didn't really attract me.
I was lucky in one sense - I was way too much of bitch to date anyone who tried to bully or objectify me in public. On the other hand, that meant it took me a lot longer to realize what it was that turned me on.
And even longer to find out that intelligent, respectful guys who were also turned on by being dominant sexually, but not domineering and controlling in day to day life. They are few and far between, and easier to find as you get older.
There are lots of reasons, from an evolutionary point of view, for women to be attracted to these sorts of ideas. It's awful to say, but for a very, very long time, the top way of passing on your DNA was for the men of the culture to go out and conquer and rape the women of the neighbouring culture. It's not so insane to think, that with that, and the way male desires and interests dominated human understanding of sex for so long, that over those millions of year’s women became more likely to thrive, live long lives and have many children, if they were turned on by the idea of being dominated in some sense or another.
That’s one theory anyways.
Really though, the reasons don’t matter. The best thing is just to acknowledge what turns you on sexually AND what it is you want in a relationship. It’s one thing to be interested in something sexually; it’s another to get into lousy relationships in order to feed that desire.
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The Question
Less than a week ago, i broke up with my boyfriend of 10 months. He was devastated, and he still keeps calling me and obsessing about what happened between us. I have no interest of getting back with him and i just want him to leave me alone. For about a month now, i've liked this other guy. We've been friends for a while, but we've gotten close and i really really like him. I found out recently that he likes me too. I want to be with him, but i just got out of a long relationship myself, and im not ready for another commited relationship. But i really like him a lot and i dont want to lose him, but im not ready for a relationship just yet. Its not fair to him but its also not the right time. I feel like he's getting screwed over and i feel so bad. What should i do?!? Thanks so much :]
The Answer
Stop feeling so bad.
It's really all you can do.
You know what you need, and you are being honest about it. That rocks. That IS fair to him. The only thing that wouldn't be fair was if you were asking him to wait for you and not date anyone else, or if haven't told him "Look, I like you, but I'm not ready to be more than friends right now."
You have to understand that because you aren't ready, you risk him not being available when you are. That is a scarry and sad thought, but it's better than forcing something you aren't ready to do.
He's not getting screwed over. As long as you tell him what's what, and don't blame him if he doesn't wait for you, then you're being honest and respectful of him.
Take a deep breath and take care of yourself. The more and better you do that, the faster you'll find yourself feeling free and excited about dating someone else.
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The Question
I don't want anyone to say anything about my age or being young because i really dont think it's relevant .
When i started year9 age 14 (or 9th grade) i started speaking to a boy who was in year 11. (age 16) . he was really nice and we soon became good friends . everntualy after a lot of drama with one of my friends, we started going out
i was really happy and we had such a good relationship, everyone commented on how well we suited.
we lost our virginity to each other and were happy for so long
He promised me we would be together well after he finishes college and have a great life together
I cant even begin to say how many times he made promises like this
Im so in love with him but now hes just started college everything is beginnning to fall apart.
he doesnt seem to have time for me and he keeps saying he wants us to have a break to 'save our relationship'
His point is that if we have a break now we wont argue as much and when college settles down we can be together again
i cant help but feel like hes messing me arund though and that we wont get back together :(
i feel so clingey and hes acting as if he doesnt care
i know this was really long :/ im sorry but any advice would make me feel alot better. i jeep crying over him i love him so much and i cant imagine being with anyone else.
PLEASE: do not call me immature or too young etc.
The Answer
No one is going to be able to answer your question honestly without telling you that he is at the age where his life is exploding with new people and thoughts, and you are two years away from that age, still getting ready to move on.
It's almost impossible to maintain a relationship between two people who are suddenly in completely different places in life.
No one can tell you if he means what he is saying or not - only time will tell. What anyone can tell you is that you're signing up for misery and confusion if you try to maintain a long-distance relationship under this kind of pressure. Sure, it can be done, but it doesn't sound like your boyfriend is willing to do it.
There is nothing else anyone can say to make this right. It will hurt like hell, and maybe in the future you will reconnect, but right now, his life has taken him someplace you can't follow, and it sounds like he's told you in many ways that he can't make it work.
It's okay to feel like shit when a meaningful relationship starts to fad, but the best advice I can give you is to cry it out, and stop fighting a loosing battle.
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The Question
I have a colleague of the opposite sex. From the first day we met, we hit it off well and always found things to talk about.
Recently, I noticed that he might be showing signs of liking me, I'm not quite sure on that, and I may be wrong.
He does sweet things for me like when there was a drunkard who stumbled into the train, the drunkard kept staring and me and kept burping and standing unsteadilty. I told my colleage that I felt uncomfortable and, despite the crowdedness of the train, he squeezed in between me and the drunkard and was therefore standing at REALLY close proximity to me. I am not sure if he stood infront of me for the sake of allowing other passengers to pass, or was it to protect me.
Also, I notices that he stares at me sometimes as I am talking, but it could be nothing.
Whatever it is, the main concern is, I am attached. And i was wondering, it could be quite impossible for someone to like me when he knows that I'm already taken.
The thing is, If he continues to be so nice to me, I will eventually develope feelings for him as well. I don't wish to keep my distance from him because he's really my best friend at work and I really enjoy going to work bcos he is one of the few that I can really talk to at work. So please, i really need someone's advice on how to handle this. I don't wish to see my 2 yr relationship wrecked.
The Answer
It's perfectly possible to have feelings for someone who you know is attached. It's also perfectly possible to never act on that harmless crush.
What worries me isn't him. He seems to get it. He seems to know he can be nice to you, and even have a good crush on you, without crossing any lines.
Your statement that "If he continues to be so nice to me, I will eventually develope feelings for him as well." scares the hell out of me. Do you really develope romantic feelings for everyone who is nice to you? I don't. I've had co-workers and friends I've had close friendships with, and a bit of flirting for years with, but I've never cheated on my partner. I've never even wanted too. These are just friendships where everyone behaves themselves. Crushes are just crushes and they often pass in time and blend into the admiration and friendship you have for someone.
However, if you honestly feel that you can't handle someone else who might have a crush on you, and be kind to you, without you developing romantic feelings for them, then you have a big problem and you MUST back off from the friendship. Not because he is doing anything wrong, but because you seem to suspect that you won't be able to control yourself around him.
That’s the problem. He hasn’t shown any signs of crossing any lines. If you are worried that you can’t stop yourself from crossing the boundaries and endangering your relationship, then you really need to work on your self control, or stay completely away from temptation.
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The Question
I really hate my Dad because he's a prick and is always grounding me for this and that. Like I come home only like 1 hour later and he's FREAKING out. He doesn't like me I swear. The only thing I can think of is that I'm sexually abused or something and maybe he did it! I'm so mad at him. Is there like a test I can take to see if I'm sexually abused? Like a FREE test because I dont got a job.
The Answer
If you have no memory of being sexually abused, it's almost entirely impossible that you were.
The idea that sexual abuse is an oppressed memory is a simple lie - a complete fabrication from pop psychology in the 70s and 80s. Many, many people suspected they were abused, and through different kinds of hypnosis and therapy they CREATED the memory of abuse and came to believe in it completely. Hundreds, maybe thousands, of innocent people were put in jail because of stupid random tests and dreams and hypnosis ramblings were taken as evidence. They are not evidence of abuse.
The same thing happens to people who think they were abducted by aliens. They go out and talk about it so much, dream or use hypnosis to CREATE the experience of a memory that is so real in their brains, they can no longer tell the difference between the real memories, and the ones they designed for themselves.
Your father might be a horrible awful person. He might be unfair and cruel and a jerk. Unfortunately, some parents are bad fucking parents. They just suck at it. That doesn't make them abusive. There is no law against being a bad parent, and not all bad parents abuse their kids. Some just aren’t good at it.
It's tough to be a kid of a lousy parent. It really, really is. But you can't go around deciding you were sexually abused. Not only it is completely unethical and downright evil, it makes it harder for everyone out there who WAS sexually abused.
Find an adult in your life that can be your ally, a teacher or coach, and talk to them about your problems. Ask them for help in getting you some therapy or counselling to help support you through this rough time in your life, and to deal with any badness that is unfairly thrown your way. Handle your problems by handling the real problems you’ve got, not by trying to imagine some other horrible problem.
There is enough real shit to deal with in life without making crap up.
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The Question
20 Female. I'm so sad right now, I'm sorry if this is really long I will return the favor to anyone who can give me advice I really need it :(
So I've always had a thing for my good friend Joe (He's 18, almost 19). I've known him for about 5 years now. He was dating this girl Maria for 3 years ..his first and only real relationship. Basically she got too clingy and he started getting annoyed so their senior year in high school he broke it off with her. They still hung out all the time, obviously were still having sex and people never knew they even broke up because they acted like they didn't. I think they got back together for a little bit and then broke up once again. He tells me everything and I guess she got really annoying at one point and was like "What are we joe, are we together, what are we, tell me" And he was like Maria no we're not together but she would tell everyone they still were. I know she is obsessive!! I know it's hard for him to let go of her tho because they were together for so long and she was his first true love, they lost their virginity's to each other. But people always tell me he's always had a thing for me too but won't do anything about it because of Maria and how he doesn't let go of her. His good friends tell me that he does like me too.
Well now he graduated and is playing hockey in South Dakota, about 4 hours away from where we are. He just left Sept 5. We talked before he left, and one night he texted me asking what I was doing and then I was like Joe I have a serious question to ask you, What's going on with you and Maria are you two still together? And he said, no we have been broken up. This made me happy, I knew they were broken up and I was hoping this was the end of Maria since they would be four hours away and wanting to meet new people. I told him I wanted to come visit him one time and watch him play hockey and he was like Yeah for sure!! Right before he left I said "good luck, have fun and I'll be there sometime to cheer you on. Love ya Joseph." He said Sounds fantastic thanks Linds love ya too!
I felt good leaving it like this, I was happy! Well just tonight I look on Maria's facebook and one of her friends said, Wanna hang out on Saturday? And she said I would! But I'm going to South Dakota to see Joey! I was like HELL NO! What is going on, seriously I wanted to cry. It's only been what? not even two weeks and she's already going to see him?? I know he didn't lie about them being broken up but I don't know why shes going to see him. One of my friends said Linds don't worry she probably begged him to let her come and invited herself. I think this could be a possibility and obviously Joe wouldn't say no and I know she will give it up to him when they see each other. This just annoys me. Me, my friend and one of Joe's friends were planning to go see him the weekend of November 12th and stay the weekend there but now I don't know :(
I don't know what to do about the situation it just bugs me. What do you guys think?
The Answer
He's an imature pussy. She's an obsessive nutbar.
What else can I say? It's easy to call it all Maria's fault, but it isn't. Joey keeps inviting her back into his life, and he is pretty obviously not very clear with her. If a girl is clingy and you don't want to be with her the last thing in the universe you do is SLEEP WITH HER.
Go ahead and go up and visit your friend - but try to let go of the hope of it turning into something more. Joey isn't really equiped to be 'something more'. Maybe with the distance and the new school, there is a chance of him being ready in a few months, but right now you are just inviting drama into your life by persuing him.
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The Question
One of my relatives and the rest of my family have been in a fight for over five years. The relative moved out of town without telling anyone in my family except for me. She wanted me to know where she is if I need her, but for now wishes to have no contact with the rest. However the rest of my family have figured out that she's no longer at her old job. What do I do? I would just stay out of it except that the rest of my family is likely to grill me about her when they come to visit me in a few weeks. It is one of those dysfunctional family things and I can understand the relative's position but I am stuck in an impossible position with her wish that I pretend that I know nothing about where she is.
The Answer
Eeek.
In a perfect world, this is what I'd do, and I know it's hard. It's damn hard. I've been in a very similar situation and it's awful.
Tell your family member who moved away this:
"I love you and I want to care about you, but I can't lie to the rest of the family. I'm going tell them roughly where you are (no phone numbers, or work location, or home location) and that you are safe and happy. It's okay if you don't want to contact them, but I can't be expected to lie for you."
Tell your family this:
"Yes, I know where she is. She told me and made me promise not to share that information. She's safe and happy and doesn't want to talk to you. I love you all and wish I could make it better, but I have to honour her request."
Then nothing else. No matter what else they say, just repeat that "I love you all, but I can't betray her request."
I know it's rough, but honestly, lying to your family will only make them more rabid. They might punish you for not telling, but at least you'll have been honest to everyone involved. They can argue with you when you say "I don't know!" but it's harder to argue with "I know, and I can't tell you."
I'm so sorry for this. Best of luck.
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The Question
Why do men lie to their girlfriends? Don't they understand how much it hurts us?
He asked me about how many guys I've been with since I met him (I've been with just him since we became exclusive though). I told him the honest truth (although I thought he knew because I dropped plenty of hints as they happened, oh and I should add he asked me this question 5 months after we became exclusive). I was ashamed of my past, but I wanted to be honest with him so I told him how many. He called me a ho pretty much and we almost broke up. When I asked him in turn how many girls he's been with since he met me, he said just you, I don't do s*** like that. This made me feel even more ashamed and worse about myself. Anyways he forgave me, everything's good, and then a few weeks later he tells me a girl that he had a one night stand with is having some legal issues with him, a girl he had sex with AFTER he met me (but according to him before we became exclusive). I was really hurt he lied to me after I was so honest with him (I really poured my heart out to him) but he needed emotional support with the legal stuff (not his fault) so I just put my hurt off to the side. I called him out on his lie, but he just blew it off because he felt his legal stuff was more important. I texted him the next day about that his lying to me really hurt me (not that he had sex with her, just the fact that he lied). He wasn't apologetic, just asked me what I wanted to do, and I told him that the only thing I want from him is honesty, and he said he will be.
I haven't seen him in three months, but I'll be seeing him again once school starts (we live in different states). He told me he hasn't been with anyone this summer, and I really hope that's the truth, but I just don't know anymore. He's already lied to me at least once, how do I know he's not lying to me again now?
Any advice is much appreciated. And I can't just leave him because we've been through so much, and I know he has my back at the end of the day.
The Answer
I don't think there is much you can do but wait until you are seeing one another regularly agian and feel out the situation.
He behaved badly. It's tough to know if he understands how wrong and hurtful what he did was when you are only communicating over texts or phone calls. It's possible that he also feels really badly, but doesn't express it the same way you do.
Honestly, my advice would be send him the link to this question. You expressed yourself really well here and explained exactly WHY this was so hurtful that he judged you so harshly and called you names when you were honest with him, and then he was dishonest with you. It might help him recongize the affect this situation has had you, and how you are seeing things. We often talk around things when we talk to someone we care so deeply for, but in your question you are very direct about what you experienced. I think this is sort of the perfect thing to show him to help him understand what has gone on in your mind.
Best of luck.
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The Question
20F.
So I've always thought one of my guy friends were hot. He had a girlfriend for about 3 years, they finally broke up recently. I think they still might have sex though because that's the only person he gets it from. Anyways one night me and him were texting and I decided I wanted to have sex with him. We basically established we'd be fuck buddies or friends with benefits, whatever you want to say.
The question I'm asking is, would it be weird for me to say I'd only have sex with him if he stops having sex with his ex girlfriend? Do friends with benefits do that? Haha I don't really know. Or should I not care who he's having sex with, I just find it a little weird if I had sex with him and he is also having sex with another girl too. Maybe I shouldn't really care as long as I'm getting it from him!?
Please don't tell me not to, or that it's wrong, or anything else I just need people who are going to help me because this is the first time being friends with benefits with someone I'd like to know how it exactly works!
The Answer
You should always stand up for what you want; however, you need to do it in a way that respects the kind of relationship you are trying to have with him.
It's perfectly fair, and right, and legitimate for ANY sexual partner to say "Look, I want to sleep with you, but I'm not comfortable sleeping with you if you are doing X."
X could be cocaine. It could be fucking other people. It could be, I dinno, eating garlic. If having no X in their life is important to you in a sex partner, you’ve got to say so.
Just remember this: How you say it is important. Saying "Stop it" or "You can only have me if..." sound like nagging mind games and controlling girl friend bitchiness. Saying "I like you, but these are the boundaries I need to have a sexual relationship with you." is putting the power back in his hands to choose what he wants to do. If he wants to fuck his ex girlfriend, or eat garlic, that’s cool. That’s his choice, but you are going to respectfully and in a friendly way say “Cool, I’m not interested in fucking you then.”
It’s a fine line, but it’s a good way to learn to communicate in all your relationships. It’s particularly helpful in FWB relationships because that way everyone feels they are in control of their own choices and being heard.
All relationships ARE relationships. There is no such thing as ‘no strings attached’. FWBs is just a different kind of relationship.
Here is my concern for you however:
You need to do some deep, deep soul-searching and figure out why you find the ex a threat to a friends with benefits relationship with this guy. Is it only her you’d have a problem with him sleeping with? Would you be comfortable with him sleeping with some other girl as well as you? Would you want him to tell you if that was the case? Do you trust him to use protection anyways and keep you sexually safe as well?
I ask, because if you concerns are NOT about sexual safety, you need to ask yourself if a FWB relationship is really want you want with this guy.
If what you are hoping for, deep down, is that your FWB will turn into a more typical boyfriend/girlfriend relationship then you SHOULD NOT start a FWB relationship.
Not because it’s impossible to turn a FWB into a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship. It’s perfectly possible. But it’s dishonest to accept a FWB as a compromise and it will cause problems down the road if you tell him now that you are keen to just be friends, who have sex, and later on your feelings resurface or intensify and you want more. It’s one thing if you don’t expect it, and it happens. It’s quite another if you suspect it, know that’s what you are really after, and don’t speak up. That’s not fair to him, or to you.
FWB can work. Some FWB are even sexually exclusive. But like any other relationship, it will only work when it’s truly what both people want.
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The Question
For Rahzi RE: the above subject and your answer to this original posted question on 9/16/10 I wanted to add to the original question about the ex boyfriend that he made it a point one night to say to me that I am the type of woman who gets mad when she doesnt get what she wants and it was after that conversation that a female picked up his phone and said steve was busy and then he called back with the oops im trying to call someone else phone call, also initially when I called him after I broke up with him and he asked me to call him back I was calling a boyfriend that night to visit and his phone number is very close to steves number, so actually I called by accident when we reconnected and my call started with oops im trying to call someone else.
The Answer
Sure, that makes some game playing a bit more a possibility. Not a guarantee of it, in my mind, but possible.
Either way: If he is playing petty games, or if he is just not that into you, you can still take the high road and civilly and friendly tell him "Okay dude. I'm done. Take care of yourself." and stop contacting him.
Even if you don’t want to do that friendly message to tell him you’re done trying, it’s still time to just stop, and let it go.
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