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I am stuck in the middle of a family feud
One of my relatives and the rest of my family have been in a fight for over five years. The relative moved out of town without telling anyone in my family except for me. She wanted me to know where she is if I need her, but for now wishes to have no contact with the rest. However the rest of my family have figured out that she's no longer at her old job. What do I do? I would just stay out of it except that the rest of my family is likely to grill me about her when they come to visit me in a few weeks. It is one of those dysfunctional family things and I can understand the relative's position but I am stuck in an impossible position with her wish that I pretend that I know nothing about where she is.
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Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Families?
Lie to your family and send them on a wild goose chase across the world, almost as if you're a real life Carmen San Diego.
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And to further add to your confusion... yet another opinion!
You do and say nothing. It probably was not fair of the relative to have put you in this situation, but if your family is anything like most families I know, if they think you have any idea where she is, they will drag it out of you. And then you will only feel worse for breaking her confidence.
If you can't keep this information away from your family, at least let your relative know you can't do it so she has time to disappear again if she really wants to.
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I am a great deal older than most of the advisers on this site, so my advice will be somewhat different from what you have received and may continue to receive from others.
I agree to some of what RAZHIE has said: I would not tell your family that you know where she is. Instead I would say that you have a method of communicating with her and that she is healthy and happy though for now wishes to only communicate with you. Tell your family members you will be happy to pass along any message they may have but it must be something you can read as you do not have a mailing address or phone number. If asked how you communicate you can say by email and no you cannot give out the address or she will change it. This may or may not be the truth, if it is not the truth it is a little white lie meant to protect you, her and the rest of your family.
Tell the family member what you are going to tell the rest of the family. By no means should you tell them or give them the remotest idea of where she may be living. For whatever reason she has for not wanting to be in contact with the rest of the family if you supply any idea where she may be living it gives them a starting point in which to start locating her. Email goes worldwide without a fixed location required and is the best way to keep someone’s location private.
It is tough being in the middle of something of this nature. Do what feel you have too to protect yourself from a possible backlash from the rest of the family.
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Eeek.
In a perfect world, this is what I'd do, and I know it's hard. It's damn hard. I've been in a very similar situation and it's awful.
Tell your family member who moved away this:
"I love you and I want to care about you, but I can't lie to the rest of the family. I'm going tell them roughly where you are (no phone numbers, or work location, or home location) and that you are safe and happy. It's okay if you don't want to contact them, but I can't be expected to lie for you."
Tell your family this:
"Yes, I know where she is. She told me and made me promise not to share that information. She's safe and happy and doesn't want to talk to you. I love you all and wish I could make it better, but I have to honour her request."
Then nothing else. No matter what else they say, just repeat that "I love you all, but I can't betray her request."
I know it's rough, but honestly, lying to your family will only make them more rabid. They might punish you for not telling, but at least you'll have been honest to everyone involved. They can argue with you when you say "I don't know!" but it's harder to argue with "I know, and I can't tell you."
I'm so sorry for this. Best of luck.
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well i dont know but it might help to know what caused the family feud.to try and fix it so you dont want to feel lonely from your family.i hate when family fights it just makes me cry.
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