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Friends with benefits.
20F.
So I've always thought one of my guy friends were hot. He had a girlfriend for about 3 years, they finally broke up recently. I think they still might have sex though because that's the only person he gets it from. Anyways one night me and him were texting and I decided I wanted to have sex with him. We basically established we'd be fuck buddies or friends with benefits, whatever you want to say.
The question I'm asking is, would it be weird for me to say I'd only have sex with him if he stops having sex with his ex girlfriend? Do friends with benefits do that? Haha I don't really know. Or should I not care who he's having sex with, I just find it a little weird if I had sex with him and he is also having sex with another girl too. Maybe I shouldn't really care as long as I'm getting it from him!?
Please don't tell me not to, or that it's wrong, or anything else I just need people who are going to help me because this is the first time being friends with benefits with someone I'd like to know how it exactly works!
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no you can not really say that. that is you wanting to be his girlfriend in an actual relationship. but he will never take that seriously if you are willing to give it up to him right now.
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It sounds like you really want this guy to be your boyfriend. When you don't want someone to see anyone but you, that's a relationship.
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It depends on whether you are developing real feelings for him or just disgusted in the knowledge he could have sex with another woman directly before having sex with you. Maybe without a shower. And every time you lay in his bed you know that someone else has been there too. I have never seen a friends with benefits situation where it wasn't understood by both people that one of them wanted more. Of course, the one who wants more plays the game and acts like they're ok with it, but they're not fooling anyone. The one who doesn't want more gets to tell themselves what a great person they are for being honest and not leading anyone on. If you are developing feelings for him you should come out and tell him what's up. Tell him that you don't expect him to be exclusively with you, and you don't even know what you're going to do about it, but you felt it only fair to let him know where your head was at.
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You should always stand up for what you want; however, you need to do it in a way that respects the kind of relationship you are trying to have with him.
It's perfectly fair, and right, and legitimate for ANY sexual partner to say "Look, I want to sleep with you, but I'm not comfortable sleeping with you if you are doing X."
X could be cocaine. It could be fucking other people. It could be, I dinno, eating garlic. If having no X in their life is important to you in a sex partner, you’ve got to say so.
Just remember this: How you say it is important. Saying "Stop it" or "You can only have me if..." sound like nagging mind games and controlling girl friend bitchiness. Saying "I like you, but these are the boundaries I need to have a sexual relationship with you." is putting the power back in his hands to choose what he wants to do. If he wants to fuck his ex girlfriend, or eat garlic, that’s cool. That’s his choice, but you are going to respectfully and in a friendly way say “Cool, I’m not interested in fucking you then.”
It’s a fine line, but it’s a good way to learn to communicate in all your relationships. It’s particularly helpful in FWB relationships because that way everyone feels they are in control of their own choices and being heard.
All relationships ARE relationships. There is no such thing as ‘no strings attached’. FWBs is just a different kind of relationship.
Here is my concern for you however:
You need to do some deep, deep soul-searching and figure out why you find the ex a threat to a friends with benefits relationship with this guy. Is it only her you’d have a problem with him sleeping with? Would you be comfortable with him sleeping with some other girl as well as you? Would you want him to tell you if that was the case? Do you trust him to use protection anyways and keep you sexually safe as well?
I ask, because if you concerns are NOT about sexual safety, you need to ask yourself if a FWB relationship is really want you want with this guy.
If what you are hoping for, deep down, is that your FWB will turn into a more typical boyfriend/girlfriend relationship then you SHOULD NOT start a FWB relationship.
Not because it’s impossible to turn a FWB into a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship. It’s perfectly possible. But it’s dishonest to accept a FWB as a compromise and it will cause problems down the road if you tell him now that you are keen to just be friends, who have sex, and later on your feelings resurface or intensify and you want more. It’s one thing if you don’t expect it, and it happens. It’s quite another if you suspect it, know that’s what you are really after, and don’t speak up. That’s not fair to him, or to you.
FWB can work. Some FWB are even sexually exclusive. But like any other relationship, it will only work when it’s truly what both people want.
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