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Razhie. Advicenators Member Since: June 13, 2005. Answers: 5077. Visitors: 211514.
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The Question
Im a married women torn between two men and I dont know what to do. Me and my husband been together for 9yrs and married for 3. We had a break up after the first 5 of those years and during that break up I meant someone else and we dated for a year and I gained strong feeling for him. In the mean time I got pregant by my husband and had to stop talking and seeing my friend. I felt I had to do what was right for my baby. I never talked to him again after we talked about my pregancy and I decison to go back to my husband and he totally understood. We never seen each other nor talked for 5yrs. But he some how got my number and contacted me and at the time of contact me and my husband were having problems. So I carried on conversation we meet up and one thing lead to another and I ended up cheating, something I have never done. Now it been 5mths that we have been messing around and feeling are involed and tells me he loves me and anytime I need him he there. I never told him how I felt about him before. But after he opened up with his feeling for me I felt it was only fair to tell him how I felt about him. I love him alot and I also love my husband. But my feeling are stronger towards the other man. And the sad thing about this is I knew I had feeling for him before I got married, I figured out of site out of mind. But thats not so or I wouldnt be were Im at. And we (me and the other guy)have so much fun together its like we picked up rite were we left off. I have told my husband how I feel about the other guy n he still wants to make the marriage work. But I dont know if thats what I want! So what should I do?
The Answer
Stop telling yourself you are torn between two men. That is a self-destructive story, and it’s pretending these two men are equal footing: They aren’t. You might love them both, but you are only married to one.
You’re first and foremost job and responsibility is to determine whether or not you want to STAY married.
Put the other guy out of your mind. Cut off contact until your decision regarding your marriage is made. Your brain is using him as an excuse and a distraction from your unhappiness with your marriage and the hard work it will take to either salvage your marriage, or end it properly.
Go to therapy, alone, to figure out yourself, and with your husband, to figure out if you will stay or go and HOW that staying or going will happen.
Tell the other guy you'll contact him in 4 months, or longer if you need it, and to NOT contact you.
It's very good to be in love with another man, but you made an vow to your husband. If your marriage is going to end, end it properly, with respect and honesty. Don't end it while messing around with guy two in the wings.
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The Question
Ok so i work at a resturant the pays its employees under the tabel. we do have some shifts where we clock in but the majority i get in cash. I was told that my boss is commiting tax fruad by doing this is it true?
The Answer
Yes. What they are doing is illegal. Tax fraud is only one of the crimes the are committing if they are not paying you a fair wage, recording it properply, and paying into workers comp and other services and taxes they are required to pay for all employees.
It will be hellish for you if you try to behave legally when you go to file your own taxes. You'll owe the goverment more than you fairly should, because your employeer has been lying, or simply not reporting, what they are paying you.
Try to find another job if you can.
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The Question
I am an american. I am planning on going on a veggie juice diet for 2 weeks the I will be having surgery for cancer a week after the diet. How closly should I be monitored during the diet for changes in my medications. I'm taking meds for thyroid blood pressure and blood thinners. I am also a type 2 diabetic but not on medications. Would it be better to wait till after the surgery to start the diet?
The Answer
Ask your doctor. Please to God ask your doctor.
I would hazard a guess that yes, it would be much, much, much better not to make a drastic change to your diet right before sugary unless that drastic change was recommended AND supervised by a doctor.
Eating healthy is one thing – crash dieting (and yes, almost all veggie juice ‘diets’ are actually veggie juice fasting, and qualify as ‘crashing’) – is almost never a good, supportive thing to do to your body, especially when facing complications like the ones you’ve described. If your doctor has not recommended you fast before surgery, you shouldn’t.
Please, please, please talk to a doctor about your weight loss goals and take their advice on how to best achieve them while dealing with your other medical needs.
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The Question
I really like to paint and create art. I don't do it professionally or anything but it's just kind of like a fun hobby. I had an ex a couple of years ago who would actually come over and we would goof around and make paintings of all sorts of things together. I have really, really great memories of that.
My now-boyfriend knows I like to paint. We even bought some painting supplies together one day and I thought maybe, just maybe, he would suggest we do some canvas art together. He seems extremely disinterested in painting though.
He does comment on my art sometimes and will tell me if he likes a particular painting so I know it's not that he absolutely hates the idea of art, in general. It's just that he's never approached me with the idea of painting, too. I don't want to pressure him into doing something I find fun and he doesn't if that's the case but I do really miss painting with a partner.
What should I do?
The Answer
Tell him what you would like, or accept that he is probably NEVER going to come up with the idea of paiting with you by his lonesome.
Just tell him that you'd like him to try it. Just that you found it fun.
Painting togeather isn't like, eating dinner togeather. It's probably not something that is just going to occur to him.
But remember this:
He will probably still be disinterested in painting.
Even if he does it with you. Even if he finds it a bit fun and you guys do it from time to time. You probably aren't going to light a passionate fire within him for cavas work.
Because he is not your ex, and no matter how you bring this up he is probably going to have a bit of fear about being asked to fill your exes shoes.
And yeah, you are kinda asking for that.
Honestly, your best bet would probably be to make some art-minded friends and have painting parties to help you fill the social art making part of your life.
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The Question
My names Megan and I'm 18 years old. I'm in love with a boy who's the same age. We've been friends for two years, and we just started dating three months ago. I love the boy to death. Just.. lately I feel so distance. I don't know if its because it seems like he doesn't try as hard as I do or not. Almost every night I send him something sweet.. or something meaningful. The other night I sent him a paragraph of how much I wanted to be with him and admire him. He didn't respond. He claimed he didn't have the time to respond, which is understandable because he had a lot of plans that day. But, its happened numerous times. I asked him already if I do it too much, and he claims I don't and that he loves it. I threw him a suprise birthday party, bought him a kitten, wrote poetry for him, ect. I do anything for him, but not overly. I just.. I don't feel appreciated. All that I'd want is him to give me something small.. even if it were plastic. Hell, he wouldn't even need to buy it.. I just want proof he's trying. I can't explain it enough how trapped I feel. I feel like if I bring it up he'll take it offensively. So someone, can you please give me direction?
The Answer
Bring it up, and risk him being offended.
It's either that, or keep being miserable.
But when you talk him consider these thoughts:
You are doing all the work.
Right now you are doing the all emotional heavy lifting for him. It's a bit like telling someone "Clean up the apartment!" five minutes after you scrubbed it from ceiling to floor. They'll look around and say "Clean what exactly?"
Sometimes, if you find yourself doing ALL the work, you have the let the apartment get dirty for a while, before someone else will notice that it needs attention and clean it up.
Your boyfriend might want to be very close to you, but like the apartment which can only be so clean, it can often feel like a couple can only be so close. If you are doing ALL the work to maintain the closeness of your relationship, he might be at loss of what he might do to add to it.
And you are doing a HELL of a lot of work.
He’s not you and he can’t read your mind. You also can’t read his.
He isn’t going to show you he cares in the same way you might want him too. But he probably does still do things to show you. He also might genuinely not value the thing you do for him, and that’s’ okay. For example, I dated a boy who made my bed when he stayed over, and folded my towels. This was part of how he showed me he cared – only I never noticed. I hate a made bed and the towels get hung up in the bathroom, not folded. In fact his behaviour annoyed me some times. But I had to remember that the things he did to show he cared weren’t necessarily the things that made me feel cared for.
Ask your boyfriend what he thinks he does – maybe you are missing things, or he is wasting his time on things you think are unimportant.
How much is too much?
A text message almost every night before bed? That’s too much. That would be appropriate for your infant son or daughter, but not for your teenage boyfriend.
You said you think aren’t being ‘too overly’. I want you to seriously consider this:
The first and best hint that YOU are doing something wrong is YOUR OWN unhappiness.
After saying all of that, you should still tell your boyfriend you are feeling unappreciated. He should know and he’s probably got some work to do. But it’s something you need to both work on together, not just something he needs to change for you. You need to meet in the middle and understand eachothers wants and needs better.
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The Question
20female.
I have a few questions.
First, is the guy usually mad if you don't give them head before having sex? I mean, I'd think they would be happy just having sex but I'm wondering if you don't give them head and just to go sex if they will think in their head, "Whats this girl thinking or what is she doing..?"
Also, I hate being on top, for anything. I've never been on top for sex and I even hate being on top when I'm just straddling a guy and kissing his neck. What if a guy wants me to be on top at some point for sex? One time me and this guy were making out and he was on top of me and then we switched, well he switched us and put me on top. I felt like I needed to know more of what I was doing, I just didn't like it at all and we weren't even having sex at this point. Is this a turn off?
Overall I just need tips anything that will help me look more sexy and be more of a turn on, and yes I've had sex but only while he was on top.
The Answer
I’m not a guy, but I’m 25 and I started sleeping with men at about your age, so I hope you don’t mind me rattling off my opinions and experience on the matter…
A guy who gets 'mad' at you for not performing oral sex on him (without first telling you that is what he would like, or that it really turns him on or some such) is being a jerk. You cannot be expected to read guys’ minds on that subject.
Many guys I've been with would appreciate a blow job. For some it might make the experience a lot more fun for them, and for others it could a really valuable part of foreplay for them ('Cause yes, many men require some sort of foreplay too!) Other guys might find a blow job a bit of a distraction. Others might not care at all either way. It's really something you have to be able to ask your partner about, and they need to be able to answer you honestly. Like I said though - a guy who gets mad at you (especially if he gets mad without telling you what he was interested in the first place) is a jerk you shouldn't be sleeping with.
A guy who wants one thing, while you want the exact opposite – well that guy may or may not be a jerk, but he just isn’t a good sex partner for you.
If you tell someone you hate being on top, yeah, that is probably a turn off for a lot of people.
If you say you aren’t confident on top, well, that’s a bit different.
It’s good to know that some things take experience and time to gain confidence, it’s a bit of a turn off when your partner isn’t interested in gaining that experience or confidence and just says no (especially to very basic things like oral sex or being on top while making out).
You don’t need to lie about how you feel about any sex acts: oral sex or being on top. But if you are interested in being sexier and becoming more skilled, you have to stay open to giving things a fair try, working through that initial discomfort of inexperience, and figuring out if you were just uncomfortable because you didn’t have the experience and confidence, or if a particular act just isn’t your cup of tea.
Obviously, all the normal advice applies: practice safe sex and don’t do anything you truly don’t want too.
Frankly though hun, your question here is exactly the reason I recommend people who are sexually inexperienced have exclusive sexual relationships. Hooking up is not a good way to build skills or confidence. You really need a reliable partner, who cares for you and knows you well and who you care for and know well, to help you develop these basic sexual skills together with confidence and in a way where it’s okay if you make mistakes! Guys who don’t know you well are prone to undermining your confidence without meaning too and the added stress of being with someone you don’t know well makes risk taking and experimenting all the more scary.
If you are really keen on learning how to be a good sexual partner, find a reliable partner who can be a good friend as well as sex partner, even if not a boyfriend, and build your skills with them.
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The Question
I'm a 19 year old female. I live with my parents still due to medical conditions, and recently started dating this guy. My dad and step mom hate his guts to say the least. My father met him once and told me that night I had to end it right then and there. The only reason my parents will give me for their judgement of him is that he gives off "bad vibes" which is not true. If I didn't trust him I wouldn't be with him. I have been sneaking around seeing him, lying out the wazoo to be with him. I know my parents aren't stupid, I realize that they probably know, but I love my booyfriend, I don't want to split up with him. My mother says that it is their house, their rules so I should obey my dad and stepmom and split up with him. But that's not fair to me. I'm an adult, I should be able to date who I want to date. But at the same time, I still am living with them.
The Answer
You're nineteen. You say you are adult? I agree. So act like one. Stop lying and start standing up for your own choices.
I don't agree with Witty that your parents are irrational. It's not irrational to not like some one else. It's not irrational to be distrustful of your daughter's choices when she hiding them from you. And it's not irrational to try and set some rules for an adult child living at home.
That doesn't make what they are doing right or fair, but unless they are threatening to beat you or disown you, they are not so irrational that you are justified in lying to them.
So he gives your parents 'bad vibes'. That's fair. It’s not kind of you to say ‘That’s not true!’. It might be just as true for them they get bad vibes as it’s true for you that you love him!
Those vibes are going to get worse if you keep on lying and sneaking around.
Your parents AREN'T stupid or irrational. So show them enough respect to say "Look, this is what I'm up too. You know it and I know it so lets admit it. I'm safe and happy and I'm going to keep on doing this." and they'll just need to respect that, even if they disagree.
Your parents are right that it is their house: They can ban him from it. They can kick you out. Inside their home they can try and punish you and make you miserable. It wouldn’t be kind or productive for them to do that, but it’s their house and they can. What they cannot do is tell you who you may and may not associate with on your own time in the big wide world.
Your sneaking around is only supporting their negative opinion of him AND their perception of you as being a child whose choices do not warrent respect. If you expect them to EVER respect your ability to make your own choices, first you have to admit that you are making them.
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The Question
I never know when my period is going to start. Sometimes it comes once a month and sometimes it comes once every 2 months. My mom said she's not worried and Ok then but how can you FEEL it coming? My mom was like don't you FEEL it coming when it's time anyway? because I was talking about having to carry some pads with me to school all of the time. How do you FEEL it? What does it feel like to about to start your period? She said you know pms stuff. What the hell?
The Answer
I was well into my twenties before I started to be able to FEEL it. My breasts get sore. I get a tiny bit irratiable, and I get gas.
But I was probably 22 before I put it all togeather and recongized that this meant my period would start in the next day or two.
So don't stress out. Your mother has had hundereds more cycles than you to notice the signs and figure it out. In time, you'll likely figure out the things that you FEEL that warn you too.
Pay attention to your mood, to pain or cramps or headaches or even to what foods you crave. I get sore breasts and gas. That's me, unforcunately. But everyone is different. Someday you'll probably figure out your body's signs, until then, don't fret about it.
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The Question
I was reading about fever blisters and how to heal them faster and somebody was like that's mouth herpes and that's why you always get them every year. Do I have herpes then if I have a feverblister? How is that? I thought a fever blister is just like a sore on your lip like a big pimple or something and after it pops it'll just go away? I do get them every year and have been since I was like 13. Herpes? What?
The Answer
Fever Blisters (or cold sores) caused by the herpes simplex virus 1 (the STD, the Herpes that causes sores on genitals is herpes simplex 2).
At least, generally, it is Herpes 1 that causes sores on the mouth, and Herpes 2 that causes sores on the genitals. It is possible for Herpes 1 and Herpes 2 to infect either the mouth or genitals, but it's less common to have it spread from mouth to genitals. There is no cure for either kind.
Yes. You have herpes, and you have it for life. Don't panic.
Some people estimate that as many as 30% of the US have Herpes 1.
Herpes, whether you have the kind on your lips and mouth, or the kind that effects of the genitals, is highly contagious when the first symptoms appear, until it has dried over completely and healed.
That means you shouldn't kiss someone, perform oral sex (to be on the safe side, you should just always use a condom or dental dam when performing oral sex), or share anything that goes on or near your mouth while you have an outbreak.
Other then taking those percussions there isn't much you can do. There are some medications that you can take to suppress herpes, but nothing gets rid of it. The only time you'll have to think about it much, is if you get pregnant (if you are a girl). Herpes can cause some complications for pregnant women.
But don't just listen to us. Talk to your doctor and do your research.
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The Question
Okay. So when my ex and I first started dating things were great. It wasn't until like month five that we started having issues. I never knew why. Until I started thinking about it the other day. It was around that time that my parents started having problems with their marriage. Whenever they talked it was always a fight. So they were either fighting or being disgustingly seuxual with eachother... Then I realized that that's what happened to MY relationship. If me and my boyfriend weren't fighting we were hooking up... It was like there was no in between. (My bf and I broke up about five months ago). At the time he told me he was only in the relationship for the last three months for the phyiscal stuff... and I would think "wow what a douche I can't believe thats all he wanted from me" but what if thats all I was giving him?? What if it was my fault becuase through some messed up thing in my brain I brought my parents relationship into my own?? Maybe I was pushing him away emotionally and only letting us connect physically. But then I think to myself "but I TRIED to make us connect emotionally when I felt him drifting" would trying too hard be the same as pushing away?? I don't know... What do you gusy think? I really wanna know cause I'm about to get into a new relationship and I don't want something like this to happen again...
(I'm sixteen female my ex is seventeen male)
The Answer
You are climbing a bit far out on that branch I think, trying to draw connections that just don't quite make sense.
Did watching your parents go at each other effect your situation with your boyfriend? Yeah. Probably.
But it was just a small part of millions of factors that were playing around in both you, and your boyfriend's, complicated and brilliant brains.
Your parent’s interactions probably stressed you out - You probably didn't mimic them or get confused about which relationship you were in!
Did you have some ownership over the failure of your relationship? Yeah. Probably.
Rarely is it all ones person's fault. The way you handled your stress from home (and all the other millions of factors that were playing around in your brain) was probably both pushing and pulling at him.
Just be aware of things you might have done, and things that might have affected your attitude in your past relationship, but don't pretend that A EQUALS B. Your parents fighting and screwing didn’t equal you and your boyfriend fighting and screwing. You didn't get confused. It just didn't work out. It didn't work out for millions of reasons. It might not work out with this next guy for millions of completely different reasons.
It's good to be aware of what is going on your own head. It's bad to pretend things are so black and white and simple as you suggest here. It's good to consider things you might have done better. It's pointless to carry your past mistakes in your future relationships.
Don't worry so much about it. Learn what you can from the past without jumping to huge conclusions, and just try your best.
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The Question
Okay so I had to take the morning after pill in July because my boyfriend and I were stupid and didn't use a condom. We made a mistake and learned from it, so pls no lectures. The pill worked for me. But I had to take it again in September because the condom broke (at least we were being safe) well my period is over a week late but a pregnancy test said negative. Is it possible that the pill damaged me in some way so I'm not going to have periods or something? After I took the pill a few days later I started to bleed like a period for about a week. But I didn't think it was my normal period cause it was two weeks early. And the first time I took it in July, I spotted blood the whole monthtil my regular period. Also the first time the pharmacy gave me the "second choice" brand which is two pills taken 12 hours apart. The second time I was given the actual "plan b" which is just one pill. Maybe that has something to do with it? But I'm pretty sure it's the exact same medication
Any help please?!?! Thank you
The Answer
What you've described is well within normal response of taking Plan B.
After using any emergency contraception pill, your next period should begin within 2 to 4 weeks. If you don’t have a normal period within 4 weeks, then you need to speak to a doctor. However, if you aren't pregnant, you almost definitely will have another full menstrual cycle within four weeks (so long as you don't disrupt your cycle with any other kind of hormonal treatment).
Your body might respond differently each you take an emergency contraceptive. So I wouldn’t be too concerned that your experience last time was different than your first, although you are right: the two pills, and the one pill are almost identical medications, simply in different dosages. To put it into a bit of perspective for you, the dose of active hormones in PlanB is about the same as the dosage in 4 to 5 pills of a regular daily birth control pills.
If you are concerned, by all means talk to your doctor! Regular checkups are also important, especially for sexually active individuals. Even if you aren’t all that concerned, take this as a reminder to book your annual check up and talk about sexual health. If you find yourself needing a regular ‘plan b’, another form of contraceptive might be a better choice for you.
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The Most recent studies and reviews have found no link between ectopic pregnancy occurrences in those who used emergency contraceptives and those who did not. It now seems more likely that the intial concerns about horomonal contraceptives and etoptic pregnancies developed from women delaying treatment for their ectopic pregnancies because they think they are NOT pregnant after using EC, or confuse the symptoms of ectopic pregnancy with the side effects of pill - http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/20502299
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The Question
i'm afraid my boyfriend might be cheating on me. i don't want to ask him. cause i'm scared that he'd start a fight, and i dont want any drama with this. i want to get ahold of his phone records, but without him knowing. i dont really know how to get onto his phone account. how can i get them without having to know any of his information?
The Answer
You can't.
What you are suggesting, isn't just immoral, it's illegal.
At most, you might be able to hire a private investigator who is licensed in your state and who would be able to help you within the bounds of the law.
However, if you seriously feel the need to hire someone to investigate your boyfriend, or to behave immorally or illegally to obtain this information, then you need to end your relationship. No matter if he is cheating or not - if this is how far you are willing to go, it's not longer a relationship that is working for either of you.
If you want to create a relationship that does work, try couples counselling. Or at very least, talk to your boyfriend about your fears.
There is no way to guarantee you will never be betrayed in love. If you really want to be with someone else, it's a risk you need to take. If you aren't willing to take that risk with your boyfriend anymore, then end the relationship.
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The Question
I was chatting with one of my close guy friend on MSN and recently, I have noticed that he likes me but I didn't want to make any assumption. I also have a boyfriend and we all went to the same high school so they know each other, so I don't think he's telling me. Please tell me what you think. This is how the conversation went:
*SB is Strongbow cider
*I think Ms.Claus is referring to me
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Me:
then ur santa for adults?
Him:
lol, sure, what would you like?
Me:
i'd like few cans of SBs and some popcorn to go with the movie
Him:
bahah, santa has a student budget so only sb
Me:
haha
Him:
what does santa get in return
Me:
sure whatever fits your santa's budget
Me:
santa gets SBs as well
Him:
mhmmm
Me:
cause thats the only thing i can think of that santa likes
Him:
santa likes lots of things
Me:
like what
Him:
ms claus
Him:
north pole
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Thank you!
Age: 20
Gender: F
The Answer
Based on this alone, there is no reason to think he likes you. He is a young man who likes making vaguely dirty jokes.
UNLESS you have another reason, beyond this conversation, to assume he likes you, or that you are Ms. Claus, then you are making a rather large assumption.
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The Question
Hi I'm 15 and I'm transgender. I'm a guy, but I was born into a girl's body.
I want to go on testosterone, but I heard it makes your hair fall out and other stuff. How can I know what I will look/sound like after taking testosterone? I can already pass as a guy pretty well and I haven't taken any hormones yet. People call me sir all the time, but I look much younger than I am.
So how can I tell how my face/body will look and how I will sond and stuff? Cuz the effects of T are permanent...
Ok thanks for your help :)
The Answer
Unfortunately, it's not the same as asking "how will I look with blue eyes." We can't toss a photo of you into Photoshop and figure out how testosterone will affect you. You can make some educated guesses, but like so many things, you won't know exactly how your body reacts, until you find out exactly how your body reacts...
Here's a good quick link for more information, but your best bet for personalized help and educated opinions would be join a group for transgendered people or ask in chat rooms and communities where people have personal experience with taking testosterone.
http://www.ftmguide.org/ttherapybasics.html
(Also, just to add: Many states do not allow testosterone to be perscriped to young people below a certain age for thier transitions - generally 18 or 21 years old. Do a quick google to find out if you live in an area where it is restricted.)
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The Question
So my girlfriend and i have been dating for almost a year know and before now she had hung out with me a ton like almost everyday possible. I'm not saying thats all we did, we definately had some free time and hung out with our bros or girls. but just now she didn't hang out with me this whole week and like was like i'm just out don't worry. Then she called me and told me that she was hanging with these dudes who have been like wanting to hookup with her for like ever.. and i was like its whatever and she was like "well i mean i didn't want you to get upset cause i know you know that they think i'm really hott and stuff.. it was just so much fun like i felt so special cause they like just talked about how attractive i was and how they were obsessed with me! i know it sounds weird but i wanna hang with them a lot more i'm sorry if it interferes with us but like they make me feel so wanted.." like i feel like scared and what not like i dunnoo.. am i overreactinggg i feel like they are going to like take her and stuff... There has been other situations too but this is enough for now.
idk but it's been worrysome.. Thank you
The Answer
If I were you, I would dump her.
This is not worrisome. What she said to you is a complete deal breaker. It was selfish, disrespectful and completely inappropraite for her to tell you, after the fact, that she had ditched you because she rather hang out with a group of guys who desperately want her sexually.
It’s one thing to kind of enjoy that feeling – everyone likes it sometimes - it’s another thing entirely to ditch your boyfriend for a week to hang out with a bunch of guys who want to sleep with you. They haven't 'taken her'. She choose to leave you.
OF COURSE that is going to interfere with your relationship. Duh!
It's nice she is being so honest, unfortunately, what she honestly wants by hanging out with a bunch of dudes who want to hook up with her, is not compatible with wanting to be in relationship with you.
Tell her as much. Being friends with these guys is one thing. Hanging out with them from to time, if she is committed to your relationship and sets boundaries with them, makes sense. Obviously she can choose to be their friend if she wants too. However, ditching you all the time for a bunch of guys because they flatter her and flirt with her is not okay. Deliberately exploiting the sexual tension and attraction like that is not respectful to her relationship with you.
You aren’t over reacting. She basically just asked for you permission to do EVERYTHING just shy of cheating out right. And if she is the kind of girl who really needs to feel as desired and wanted by a bunch of other dudes that badly, she is very likely to be the kind of girl who will cheat eventually.
Tell her she that her actions clearly show you that isn’t committed to being in a relationship with you anymore, and end it.
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The Question
The topic says it all really! husband has a lady friend that works with him and she is married and in her 50's. Not bad looking for 50 but the fact is she IS MARRIED! We ran into her last night when we took our kids to superkicks she was there with her kid. This woman was all over a guy that was NOT her husband alot of flirting he was playing with her hair giggleing with eachother. If that were my man i wouldnt apprecitate this behavor from her. I told my husband I have lost alot of respect for her she is a disgrace to the married name. I took my vowels seriously and how do I know she is not like that with my man, well his responce you have to trust "ME". okay I do but I dont trust HER. How can she do that knowing she has a man at home. unmoral to me!! I told him as much as he was touching her leg and she was whispering in his ear she has no morals he disagreed with me on all points. What does that mean for him? Does it mean its okay to flirt and touch eachother just cause spouse aint there. How dare her and I cant stop thinking he is defending her cause thats how she acts with him.. I kindly let him know if I EVER see her touch you in a way I should only be able to touch you I will walk my happy ass to her office and give her a piece of my mind. So we agreed to disagree on it all and went to bed!!
The Answer
It's fine not to like someone, and not to agree with how they behave.
I highly, highly doubt your husband would be okay with you behaving as she did. You are his wife. He choose you. He made his vows to you. She is just a friend. He may have a degree of affection and respect for his friend, but that's it.
Agreeing to to disagree is fine.
If you don't trust your husband to insist this woman address him correctly, THAT's your problem. Not her behavoir, but your lack of trust that your husband will interact with her in appropraite ways and stick to his morals and principals (which one would assume, are similar to yours) but allow her behavoir to compromise him.
If you see her treating him this way, don't attack her. Slap him. He's a grown man, he should be able to say no and establish appropraite friendships.
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The Question
I did something really stupid. I was talking to my ex online, and he was trying to make me mad, and it worked. So I said "you're a dead man". He said he was going to the police. I told him I didn't mean it, and he knows I didn't. I was just mad. Can I still get in trouble for it if I told him I didn't mean it, and does anyone have an idea of how much jail time I can get if he does turn it in?
The Answer
No jail time. Not if that was all you said.
"You're a dead man" is a pretty acceptable form of metaphorical language. At most, they might call you and warn you against threatening, even as a joke, and ask you not to speak to your ex again.
Unless you said something much more pointed and deliberate as well as that line (like told him you had a weapon, or friends who would kill him at such and such a time) it's unlikely he'll be able to convince the cops that your threat was credible. The rules about uttering threats are different from state to state and country to country, but in most cases the threat must be intended to intimidate the victim and/or expressed in some way that the threat should be taken seriously. Uttering threats is a crime where your expressed intent, rather than other person's interpretation, is given a lot of weight. It doesn't matter too much if he was confused, what matters the most if other sane people look at the 'threat' and think it was intended as a real threat.
Very, very few people, would think that a young girl saying "You're a dead man" on chat to her ex boyfriend, actually meant it as a threat agianst his life.
An adult, who was found guilty (which, unless you said something like "Dude, no I'm serious, I'm gonna come over and kill you right now.", you wont be) would be looking at between 1 and 5 years.
Maybe it's best you don't talk to him anyways - he's a bit of a loon. He tried to make you angry, and I'd bet, he only said what he did about the police to upset you as well. Don't apologize or grovel - you didn't do anything cirminal - just block him and ignore him.
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The Question
I was a Christian for about three years prior to the religion I've chosen now. I was happy at first, excited and I felt something there for a second, but just a second. Then I felt like nothing was there, so I prayed, hoping I'd get some kind of response or at least the feeling of someone's presence, but I didn't feel anything. I kept praying anyway and concentrating and doing my best for three years, but I gave up. It shouldn't take three years for someone to at least say hi or something. So I gave up on it and transfered to a different religion.
Don't beat me with a stick or anything, please, but I did some searching around and I found one that interested me. It was a TYPE of Satanism, not 'devil hates God, eats souls' or anything silly like that. It was more focused on improving your skills and giving you comfort in times to distress. I liked the idea that they put out saying that after death, you could be reincarnated. (I have a very, very serious fear of dying, particularly dying at an old age)
I was pretty content with this religion and stuck by it for about several months. I actually felt like someone was there for me when I was knocked down, but recently, I feel like there's nothing there and I even thought about converting back to Christianity, but I immediately remembered what it was like before, so I shook the thought away. Religion is just really complicated for me and I don't know if maybe I should just lose faith in any religion altogether or if I should stick with the one that made me feel more comfortable, or what... Anyone know what I should do?
The Answer
The Truth is that doubt and confusion is part of what being human means. The best way to get closer to the truth is being okay with not knowing something 100%, but making the best choices you can with the information you do have. The Truth comes from listening to your conscience, acting as well as you can, and re-examining your conscience thoughts and actions in light of new information and opinions.
It doesn’t come from religion. If it did, we wouldn’t have the millions of conflicting and disagreeing religions we do. If it did, religions would never act badly, or when they did, would be able to re-examine their beliefs and conscience in light of new information – Religions tend not to be able to do that.
If you are waiting for something or someone to come down from the sky and tell you the big magical answer to life, the universe and everything, don’t hold your breath. When it happens to others you just hear the stories: Lovely, meaningful, inspiration stories. Stories can be true or untrue. Stories don’t need to be enough to convince you. In fact, if you are thinking seriously and critically stories and words SHOULDN’T be enough to convince you of fact. It’s rational to expect more if you are going to base your life on a system of belief.
Have faith in yourself, in your ability to grow and learn and do your best. Be honest about how much, or how little, you believe about any specific religion.
Comfort and security is something that, in the end, you need to find for yourself, provide for yourself, and offer to others. That is were lasting comfort comes from - from living in the world with others and creating something lasting within this universe of doubt and confusion.
Keep searching. Keep thinking. Keep exploring and considering what makes the most sense to you. Keep learning. Religion is complicated for EVERYONE. Some people make it simple, and say they have the ultimate special Truth, but these people are just telling you stories. Stories are good and vital and important, but you get to choose the stories you live by. You even get to change your mind.
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The Question
is it considered a cult, when someone is brainwashed to believe certain things. For example i use to go to church with my friend but i stopped going recently because they are being told to go out and pour into other people's lives about Jesus even if they don't know them, and that twilight and harry potter is bad because they talk about witches and vampires. My best friend believes all this and now she starts telling me i shouldn't watch this movie because they say bad things and harry potter is dumb, and one time she saw a ganesh figurine in my car and said it's bad just because it wasn't her god. i've posted a question like this before and i know it's getting old but im worried, even though there isn't much i can do. i mean all they talk about is jesus and even at birthday parties they do prayers and it's weird. not only that but they have a youth pastor and they even hang out with him, his wife, and kids. they're really young. they both went to a bible college called CFNI and a lot of my friends are going there now, and i am not sure if it's because of their influence, since a lot of them weren't raised in christian homes. so is this church a cult? i feel like it is because the pastors are making them believe all these things. so i am not sure.
The Answer
There are many different definitions of what the word 'cult' means.
Some christian churches are absolutely cults. Mormonism, for example, would be a cult by many definitions, but not all.
I can't tell you, just from what you've described here, if the church your friend is attending is a cult or not. There isn't enough information, and remember what I said before: There are many different definitions of what makes something a cult. It definitely sounds like a fundamentalist christian group, but it may or may not be a cult.
Regardless if that church is a cult or not, you don't want to be a part of it and that's okay! Their behavoir is rude and inappropriate in some of the same ways as a cults behavoir would be rude or inappropriate: It's inappropriate and unkind to put so much pressure on someone to accept a very specific kind of religious belief. It's rude to only show caring for a friend when they agree with your religious beliefs. It's rude not to listen to your friend's values, when they are different then you own and continue to argue and pressure when 'agreeing to disagree' would be the respectful response. It's not nice behavoir, or friendly behavoir, and it's okay if you don't want to be their friends.
Don't worry so much about if it's a cult or not, consider the people who are involved: Do they make your life happier or healthier? Do they seem to genuinely care for you, and you for them? Do you enjoy their company? Can you respect one another and talk freely and honestly with them?
It's okay to not want to be near the people who do things you aren't comfortable with, regardless if their church is a cult or not.
I disagree with Peeps on that point - This is not normal or healthy behavoir they are engaging in. Your friends might just be young, keen teenagers who are (hopefully) in the process of learning how to be respectful of others beliefs - just like you are learning how to coexist with their fundamentalist beliefs. But what you've described here not healthy, because it's disrespectful and unkind.
It is tough not be disrespectful and rude right back when you are faced with that much pressure and rigid belief. I'm sure you have been rude back to them sometimes, and you should always try not to be. But, you can be friendly and respectful to them, without being their friends.
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The Question
SO-- my boyfriend and I have been together five years and plan on marrying. We're not yet engaged, but we know that the timeline is so sensitive with us-- he starts medical school in August, and I want to be a newlywed with him for at least a month before school starts, and both of us have leases that end July 1st. Clearly, a perfect wedding date would be late June or early July. Sooner than that would put us living in my crappy apartment (with my roommate) for our first month of married life before we can move to campus, and later than June would put our wedding too close to the first day of school. I want a long honeymoon and time to settle into a new home with my new husband. So we'll get engaged in December, have 6 months to plan, and marry late June or early July. Perfect, right?
NOT-- I just found out that my cousin (who has been engaged for 6 months already) just set his date for early July. We both share a huge Wisconsin-based family who don't have a lot of money. Their wedding is in Nebraska; mine would be in North Carolina. I feel terrible asking my family to spend the time and money to travel to my wedding as well as theirs, plus isn't it rude to get engaged after someone and set your date right before theirs?
What should I do?
The Answer
Talk to some key members of your family. Everyone has some people in their family who 'call the shots'. In my family, it's my great aunt and my mother. If they say "This is how it's going down." then that is what happens.
Tell them about your dilemma and ask for their help and advice. They might say 'Screw it. It's a wedding. Our family isn't so improvised they can't make it to a wedding." or they may say "Yes. That is too much to expect for some people, and it would be rude to take a date before your cousins."
Think about the two or three people in your family whose opinions really carry that weight, and talk to them (or ask your parents to talk them if that works better) before you make any decisions.
For my own part, I'm tempted to say "You snooze you lose." Your cousin beat you to the punch and got everything lined up before you'd even gotten engaged. Every family is different though - yours might rally around you if they can. They might also honestly tell you they can't swing it, politely or finically.
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