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Torn between two men!!
Im a married women torn between two men and I dont know what to do. Me and my husband been together for 9yrs and married for 3. We had a break up after the first 5 of those years and during that break up I meant someone else and we dated for a year and I gained strong feeling for him. In the mean time I got pregant by my husband and had to stop talking and seeing my friend. I felt I had to do what was right for my baby. I never talked to him again after we talked about my pregancy and I decison to go back to my husband and he totally understood. We never seen each other nor talked for 5yrs. But he some how got my number and contacted me and at the time of contact me and my husband were having problems. So I carried on conversation we meet up and one thing lead to another and I ended up cheating, something I have never done. Now it been 5mths that we have been messing around and feeling are involed and tells me he loves me and anytime I need him he there. I never told him how I felt about him before. But after he opened up with his feeling for me I felt it was only fair to tell him how I felt about him. I love him alot and I also love my husband. But my feeling are stronger towards the other man. And the sad thing about this is I knew I had feeling for him before I got married, I figured out of site out of mind. But thats not so or I wouldnt be were Im at. And we (me and the other guy)have so much fun together its like we picked up rite were we left off. I have told my husband how I feel about the other guy n he still wants to make the marriage work. But I dont know if thats what I want! So what should I do?
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Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Love Life?
Go to therapy.
If you're still in love with your husband you're not more in love with the other guy. You're dealing with normal relationship problems with your husband and you have a fantasy ideal relationship with the other guy.
Think about all the shit that your husband does that drives you nuts.
You're somewhat used to it. I promise you, this new guy isn't going to have any fewer things that drive you insane. They just might be different things. You don't have to deal with them right now though, because you're in the honeymoon phase and you're connecting to the other guy instead of your husband.
You've only got so much brain space. You can't fit in two guys at once. If you work on one relationship the other will suffer.
If you divorce your husband you're going to wake up in a year and realize you traded for a different man and tore your family apart for a guy who you have to work just as hard to keep a relationship with as you should have worked with your former husband.
What you're not seeing here is the kids. You love your husband, and he's the father of your children.
You owe them. Not you, not him, the kids. They need mommy to be more mature than acting like a stupid teenager who flits to another guy because "he makes her feel special".
You do this, you fuck over your kids perceptions of relationships for the next twenty years. You're not being abused, you havent' fallen out of love. Stop being a child, stop having an affair, and get yourself and your husband into relationship therapy. Be open, be honest, and start actually trying to enjoy the man you married.
And develop a new kink together. If you want fun that much you need to make some in your own life instead of looking for a guy to bring the fun in for you. You're way to old to sound as spoiled as you do.
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I agree with Raz, you need to seek counseling. The reason why it was so easy to start back up with this other guy is because you never had closure on that relationship. Don't make the same mistake with your husband. Of course it feels like you don't want to work on it. That's natural. Being in a marriage takes work, and your affair is new and exciting and easy (for now). But look into the future...like you did when you were pregnant...and ask yourself what kind of life your family will have if you leave now. Let me tell you a short story. A good (male) friend of mine left his wife and their 2 kids some years ago. He had met a woman and was in love and wanted to be with her. He said she made him feel worthy and exciting...she was a welcome escape from the humdrum of every day life. Fast forward a year...they are living together and he is legally seperated from the wife. He calls my husband up one day and says "Man, my girl is getting on my case, nagging me to clean up more and she's a total B about me staying out and "etc., etc., etc. My husband's response? "Dude, every relationship turns into that after it becomes familiar? So the question is, why would you leave the woman you commited your life too (and your kids) to just be in another relationship that takes MORE work?" My point is, someday, if all the barriers are removed and you can be with your boyfriend, it will be a relationship like any other. All the issues you have with your husband, you'll have with him too. Eventually. So even if you are not sure, give yourself and your child and fighting chance. Go to marriage counseling. Start there - go through your church/house of faith, or go to a professional, but get help! And let me tell you, you'd be surprised just how much counseling can help. It actually IS possible to learn how to feel for your husband the same way you feel for your bf. Really, it is. I've seen it with my own eyes, couples who really had no love left for each other who sought help as a last effort (in order to make the eventual divorce easier) and ended up completely rekindling their passion and romance, and now they are amazing couples! You can have that too. I promise. I also promise it won't be easy, but remember this, few of the RIGHT choices in life are ever the easy choices. Good luck!
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Stop telling yourself you are torn between two men. That is a self-destructive story, and it’s pretending these two men are equal footing: They aren’t. You might love them both, but you are only married to one.
You’re first and foremost job and responsibility is to determine whether or not you want to STAY married.
Put the other guy out of your mind. Cut off contact until your decision regarding your marriage is made. Your brain is using him as an excuse and a distraction from your unhappiness with your marriage and the hard work it will take to either salvage your marriage, or end it properly.
Go to therapy, alone, to figure out yourself, and with your husband, to figure out if you will stay or go and HOW that staying or going will happen.
Tell the other guy you'll contact him in 4 months, or longer if you need it, and to NOT contact you.
It's very good to be in love with another man, but you made an vow to your husband. If your marriage is going to end, end it properly, with respect and honesty. Don't end it while messing around with guy two in the wings.
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