A quick note: If I answered a question and you have further questions for me, please include a URL link to your original question(s) so that I can be sure of what we're talking about. Questions that reference something we talked about a week ago that I can't quite remember are kinda hard to answer.
Welcome to my column.
I don't apologize for my answers. I speak to the audience, and in doing so I sometimes tell the audience things they don't want to hear or cant handle.
I believe in stands on principle. I believe that doing right for the sake of doing right is a good way to live. I believe in self awareness and encourage it in others. I offer the most unbiased viewpoint I have. And yes, I am only human.
Im going to tell you what I think you need to hear. You are not supposed to take what I say and follow it. You are supposed to take what I say and _think_about_it_
Oh, and feel free to ask me questions, but netspeak, ebonics, terrible grammar, and your teen angst about a crush will be ignored.
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Member Since: July 16, 2007
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Last Update: April 13, 2014
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So I'm in my second year of college, and of course I'm being exposed to a lot of alcohol and drug use. Now, before you go into lectures on the dangers of binge drinking, know that I've been responsible and have always stopped myself when I've felt that I've had too much.
But before I REALLY begin to venture into the world of alcohol, I need to know: How does alcohol affect the body? I know that its long-term effects can be very severe, but how exactly does it happen? What I mean is, do only very heavy drinking nights abuse the liver and such? Or can two shots of vodka every week add up to something very detrimental in the future? I don't plan on being a heavy user (just a few drinks on occasion), but I may not even go with the latter if it's that bad for you. (link)
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I have no desire to write a long diatribe on information you can and should have easily googled, I'll simply say that there are far better sources than this website to have this kind of thing explained to you, so you should go to google and look them up.
Long story short though you can drink a pretty significant amount and get drunk a pretty significant amount without really hurting yourself over the long term (assuming you don't crash a car or something).
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I'm a 21 year old Indian female. For a few days now my past has been haunting me which includes the following: 1. I had a boyfriend for 2 years and he was a great guy and we were as intimate as is possible (which even resulted in something terrible which i think you can guess)so anyway we broke up a year back and now i feel very regretful about everything that happened between us...i mean at that time it felt right. The reason for my guilt is also the fact that in my culture and family such intimacy is not allowed, so every time i speak to my folks i feel like a criminal; 2.Since i was so sure of being with my boyfriend forever and i was the one who initiated the break up i have started hating myself as i could not keep the promise of commitment.And now i don't think I'll be able to handle another guy again. I'm really sad and disturbed please help me. (link)
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I have the same problem answering the questions of Christians who feel guilty about sex as I do with yours.
Namely, you've been raised to have these reactions. Raised in a culture where they think you're supposed to feel this way, and where they'd probably encourage these feelings hoping that you correct the behavior out of guilt and shame.
I don't know how to untwist that without you actively wanting to walk away from what you've been taught.
I was raised to believe that sex outside of marriage is shameful. I was raised to th ink of sexuality itself as a private, shameful thing that only people who are married tolerate in each other and which you are indecent if you share it with someone else without that loving commitment. Basically, you love someone in spite of their sexuality and not because of it.
I have always felt that such teachings are straight up evil. That teaching people to feel shame for their natural desires and the intimacy that results is disgusting, perverse, and shameful in and of itself. I conflicted with my family because I have pretty much always felt the exact opposite from them and I love my wife because of her sexuality and the way we share it.
We both have had partners other than each other. I am content with my sexual history and hers. In fact, I would not have been interested in her if she hadn't been sexually experienced and somewhat confident before we met. I also do not see the world as most other people do.
The closest I have to an answer is that you need to realize that nothing about what you did was wrong or evil, that you are no worse a person for being intimate and breaking up than you were when you were a child, innocent of all things sexual.
You need to want to realize that these things you have been taught are wrong. I do not know if you do. There is nothing wrong with intimacy and your culture is backwards and wrong, and I realize that simply saying that makes me an incredibly arrogant person.
I am also right, and I could give a shit less about being arrogant.
Ultimately the answer lies within accepting yourself for who you are, what you want, and accepting that following your heart and sometimes your vagina does not make you a bad person the way you have been taught it makes you a bad person. If you can do that, you can get over it. If you can't, then maybe time will help you forget and you will eventually find a guy you love and forgive yourself when you have sex with that man who becomes your husband.
Beyond that the answers you seek lie entirely within yourself, good luck with figuring yourself out.
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Thanks a million for being here to talk to me and let me vent to you. It made me feel a lot better. Your advice helped me think logically, and I'll take what you said and consider it, including therapy. But keep giving advice because its like your talent or something. but thanksss!
About guy in chem. I want to talk to him but like I feel like hes not interested now. Like in lab or lecture today he didn't say a word to me. And that is stopping me from opening up to him. he only said something by the vending machines but it was nothing. Would telling him hes cute, change anything? im so akward i cant think of anything to ask him..thats not random.
Annashae (link)
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Ok, here's the thing. From everything you've said you haven't engaged him enough to have a clue whether or not he's interested.
The problem here is that even if you made your interest clear you aren't comfy enough to open up and really foster some chemistry if he's not already acting interested in you. Chemistry is give and take, and you don't give enough for him to take away anything significant right now.
You cannot sit and wait for someone else to express interest before opening up a bit. I mean, we aren't talking about holding personal conversations, we're talking about letting go of your social phobia long enough to just hold a decent conversation without being stilted and awkward.
Would flat out telling him he's cute change anything? I don't know. You need to be able to give him something significant to react to before anyone could have the first clue.
Practice on him. Assume that for right now he's not interested and try to get to know him anyway. Take the pressure off and just try to hold conversations. Chat him up every time you're in class, ask him about himself. If you're at a loss for good conversation topics just ask him what he's into and get him to talk about himself, and answer any questions he asks back.
Ask him about school, ask him what he does when he's not being bored in chemistry, ask him about where he came from/grew up, ask him anything that gets an answer that is not "yes" or "no". "What do you like?" instead of "Do you like this?".
Keep things open ended and if he just seems like he's not all that interested, move on and talk to other people. You need to just practice talking to guys you don't know very well so don't feel like you need to wait to be interested in a guy before you ask him about himself and have a conversation.
You need to practice stepping outside your comfort zone and staying out there longer and longer.
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For a very long time, my mom has been trying to live through me. But, now that I'm an adult, almost graduating from college, it's just getting out of control. She has gotten better, I cannot discredit that. But, I'm really worried. About a year ago, I got hair extensions (long story). But basically, I lost hair because I wasn't eating very well and I also bleached it which was really bad. It was fine for a while... but it's been almost two years now (about a year and a half or longer) that I've had these extensions. They are expensive and limit me from being able to wash my own hair or dry it. I can't ever leave it wet. They are very annoying. It's fine that I had them for a while. But, I think they've overextended their stay. I told my mom that I really want them off. All she says is your not ready. If that wasn't enough, she recently saw a friend of mine with fake eyelashes on. She said I HAD to go get them. The problem with the eyelashes is that they require refills (expensive refills!) Like, maybe $75 every time, which is every 2 weeks. My mom doesn't work. Her income comes from a house that she rents out, whose taxes were backed up. She always has to put herself on a payment plans for cell phones (which she is using my credit for because she lost hers). I work and I'm getting money from school because of my scholarships. So, I help her out with certain things. By the extensions and the eyelashes are getting ridiculous. Today, I have an appointment at noon, which I really needed that time to study and work out, because I have to go into work/class at night. I explain this to her... but she doesn't get it!!! Please advise me (link)
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Cancel that credit card. Do it now, trust me you do not owe your mother a route into building debt for you. Cancel it now, do not ever give her another one.
Stop. Just stop. Remove her ability to spend your money, change your bank account information and cancel any and all cards she has in your name. Look up a credit agency and get your credit report so you know if she's got credit in your name that you don't have access to and get that shut down asap.
Stop acting like a child. You are in college. You are an adult. You HAVE THE RIGHT TO TELL YOUR MOTHER NO! Stop paying for extensions and fake eyelashes and cancel the tanning bed thing. Make sure to cancel the credit card anyway.
Then. Go to this website http://www.ssa.gov/pubs/10064.html
That is some good information on identity theft. One of my wife's cousins had her mother fuck her credit entirely before she graduated high school. You do not want to let this happen. Your mother might go behind your back and take out cards in your name. That is a crime. If she runs up debt without your permission or uses your social security number to apply for credit cards without you knowing, that is a _felony_. Stop her before this happens. Tell her point blank that you do not want to charge her with a crime and that she needs to leave your finances alone before she gets it done to herself.
Stand up for yourself, you are not a child anymore and your mother obviously is nuts, has no idea what real priorities are. Do not _allow_ her to do this anymore. Stop spending your money on shit so that you have to go to her for food money. Do not explain to her until you have removed her ability to spend money that has your name on it. You're going to end up with thousands of dollars in debt and a mother who tells you it's your responsibility to pay it all off and not hers.
Do not allow her to sink your ship the way hers is sinking. Her house with back taxes won't last forever, that shit is going to get repoed by the IRS or the state if she's neglecting the responsibilities.
Say no. Mean no. But only say it after you've cancelled all the cards and informed the companies that you want them to stay cancelled. Remove her access from everything financial related to you, open new bank accounts, do what has to be done and do it now.
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is it cheating if you get a blow job from a girl who isnt your girlfriend? (link)
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Yes
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If it’s not the lack of romance than what is it? You’ve been right about everything else. I want you to tell me what you think the hole in me is.
Maybe I do feel lonely sometimes or alone but everyone does at times. I do have friends not a lot but I do have some. I know when people like my company and when they don’t, usually. You’re making me think I’m more depressed or crazy than I am. Or am I in some sort of denial. I thought everybody acts like I am acting now when their hurt? I’m more worried about myself now than I was before. I don’t think of myself as complete shit nor do I think of myself as some goddess. I don’t hate myself, but you’re making me feel like I do.
I’m sorry to hear what you had to go through. We sound similar about some things. And I hope your able to get the therapy if that’s what you want. I do think I need therapy as well, and I guess I want it too, but I can’t. My family/parents…
what about a college counsler/teacher?
of course I want to be happy, but happiness is never forever. Every happiness comes a sadness. It’s an equal ratio. It’s the way life works, unfortunately. We all wish for happiness forever because it feels so damn good to be happy but that’s impossible. And you said im wrong about a relationship doesn’t ALWAYS give happiness. I know that’s true but seriously before you were in your relationship with your wife you can’t tell me the amount of happiness she gave you didn’t outweigh the amount of sadness in your life?
Oh and I took your advice. I didn’t tell the kid I think he has a cute smile. But I did go up to him and have a casual convo and I couldn’t even look at him.. that’s how shy I am but besides that I think the convo went okay. He was complaining how calc is a bitch. I would of offered to help but im only at pre calc. .. am I doing alright so far? And you’re a guy so tell me what not and what I can do? Cause I’m not good with this stuff at all.
Annashae (link)
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It's hard to describe, and I don't want you freaking out and feeling like there's something broken within you if there isn't, but people don't talk about putting up a front and wishing the things you wish without some serious lacks in self affection and self respect which shouldn't be there.
I suggested it repeatedly because I'm not a professional and if you really are as messed up inside as you sound I wouldn't want you just sitting there hoping it fixes itself or being unaware that there's something wrong that could be fixed, but I said repeatedly it's professional territory. The point is that I don't know, and it sounds like you need to at least speak to someone who is more educated because they might well know the things I don't and would be able to help you with them in ways I can't.
College is a good idea, they might have resources to help. The reason I brought it up isn't because you need it like someone with a bad appendix needs surgery, it's because you seemed to be resistant to the idea and the truth is that most people could use a little therapy now and again, it's not just for people who are so hopelessly fucked they can't find a grain of happiness in a year of their life.
It's a suggestion I want you to take under advisement and think about, not just instantly dismiss because it's not a good fit for your circumstances right now. That's all.
On the guy, just keep talking to him and smiling at him. Get yourself to make eye contact. You really need to practice eye contact, that's what's going to get people's attention. Make eye contact, smile, and chat him up about calculus some more or anything else. Ask him a few non school related questions, make it clear you don't just want to chat about school with him.
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okay so our school will be celebrating teachers day on the 17th because of the ongoing exams
as it is going to be my last teachers day in school
i want to give something to each of the teachers who have taught me for atleast two years now
i have a maths sir who teaches me and the rest five subjects are taught by women
any sugestions???? i need help.
i don't have a very huge budget. but i can splurge a lil'. (link)
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Honestly I haven't got a clue. I'd imagine things that relate to their subjects, something that might prove useful to them, but I have no idea what that something might be. I had a friend who did that, he had an English teacher who he really liked so he got the guy a few Cafe Press T-Shirts with English related jokes on them and the guy wore them all the time the next year. I will say that I think teachers would appreciate the thought more than the money, so you should spend some time thinking about what you'd like to get them and try to figure out something clever.
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Why do you think I need therapy?? And it doesn’t work that way in my house. I can’t just tell my parents I need therapy and go, they won’t let me go unless I tell them. And I can’t imagine my parents reaction if they knew all this. It’s so embarrassing to tell them about all of this. It’s embarrassing to tell anyone this. I only told one of my friends, I didn’t want it to spread around school.
I guess I kind of do want to talk to somebody but I cannot. It’s a lot more complicated than you think. Can't I be normal without going to therapy?
I’ll remember what you said the next time I’m about to get upset at my family, and I need to go back to working out anyways. So maybe running will release a lot of this stress.
hahah and thanks for the guy advice, your good. And I enjoyed reading it.
annashae (link)
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It's that "hole in your life" issue. While I know you're trying to fill it with romance, I don't think the lack of romance is the cause of the hole in the first place.
When I was younger, a kid under the age of 12, I used to daydream about throwing myself in front of cars to save friends. It was win all around from my perspective. I didn't have to feel alone anymore, people would remember me as a good person, and the culmination of my life would be that I helped someone else. That was the most I thought of my self worth.
While I abandoned those kinds of fantasies the mindset behind it where I didn't feel like I was worth much unless I was making someone else happy continued to eat away at my mental well being. I became incapable of believing that anyone would want me around because at the time no one did. I couldn't see that I pushed everyone away from the start because I didn't think I was worth knowing. It affected every single part of who I was and how I interacted with the world in ways I am still trying to work out of myself to this day.
I need therapy. I can't afford it either. But there are issues in my life that remain unresolved, and there is a hole through me a mile wide that I feel like I need someone more knowledgeable than myself to address.
There's a hole through you, too. I think that if you could find a therapist you did feel comfortable with you won't be still fighting this eight years down the road like I am. Or if you are you'll have had an easier time and made more progress than me.
Can you be normal? Is anyone normal? I really doubt it. Can you be happy? It's entirely possible. You aren't me, and even I managed it some of the time. It's not something you won't get fixed without, but it's something that I think if you found your way to could help you work alot of your shit out quicker and easier than trying to figure it all out alone.
You aren't me, and it's just a suggestion. But it's one without a time limit. My wife is a year away from a job with insurance, when I'm insured I'm scheduling an appointment and going look for a decent professional to talk to to see if there's any helping me. Just keep an open mind. It's not an option now, then it's not an option now. Maybe in five years if you're still fucked up in the head it will be an option and you can consider it.
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http://www.advicenators.com/qview.php?q=598363
What you have said has helped a lot. To know you have been through the same tells me ill move on because you have been able to, so why can’t I? Are you and that girl still friends today? Like did you work anything out?
But yeah, you’re right about everything you said in your previous answer, and as much as I don’t want any of what you said to be the truth it is. Don’t delete your answer because every time I feel weak on my journey in moving on I’ll come back and read what you said and it will give me courage like it did this morning after I read it. Thanks so much!
I will force myself to move on because I know me and this bus driver will never be. I don’t want him to take up all my thoughts anymore. I have school to worry about, if I want to go into medicine. And I’m sick of all the pain and hurt it gives me.
Like you said you dated even when you didn’t want to, I want to. I want to find there are many good souls in this world, not just my high school bus driver. I don’t know how to put myself out in the dating world. I’m so shy too which is why it’s worse. I need to be around other guys before I get depressed if I am not already.
I will work on loving who I am, because I know I need to. Thank your wife for her awesome bucket example, it made a lot of sense.
So on this journey towards moving on, I know there is a place I can start now.
In my chemistry class, I’ve noticed this guy who is kind of cute and I think I might want to get to know him. This class started three weeks ago & I noticed him looking at me a couple times in lab and lecture. He has never talked to me in lecture though. We don’t sit by each other in lab or lecture either, he sits by his own guy friend in lecture and well lab seats are assigned. Whenever he like came by me he’d be like whudd up and I haven’t seen him do it to other girls in class. And I’d get nervous and say something dumb. He’s asked me that like twice, and we had like a short convo once but that’s it. He seems funny. I like his smile, and I want to tell him. But isn’t that creepy if we don’t even know each other well. I’m not even sure he knows my name, and I don’t know his. I don’t know how to make conversation with him, so I can’t go up to him. I’m probably no better at flirting because I’m new to this dating thing. Help please? I don’t just want to keep smiling at him and come off as a creep or like push him away by coming off too strong. With the bus driver the flirting came natural but with this guy I don’t even know how to talk to him, let alone just smile. And the funny thing is a lot of people and I mean a lot, tell me I am always smiling and happy, but funny how much pain a person can hide with a smile. Anyway I want to get over this bus driver now I’m ready to. So I want to get to know this guy and I need your help. I feel like what I’m asking for help here is similar to what a middle school girl asks, so embarrassing.
Thanks a million for all you have said so far, it has made me feel a lot better than before I read it. NONE of it was harsh, it was the truth and I needed to hear it.
Annashae
(link)
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First, at the risk of sounding like a broken record, consider therapy. There are many therapists out there and you might find one who you just feel comfy around enough to open up to. As much as you said you don't like opening up look at everything you've posted to me? The internet makes that easier, but given a little patience I see no reason why you couldn't find a therapist who could help you.
Consider asking your parents. At 19 if they have health insurance and you're covered, therapy might be too. If you come around to thinking it might be worth a shot, look into your options and don't just give up hope because you couldn't pay for it yourself at 19. Remember you don't have to tell anyone else why you want therapy in order to get it, including your parents.
Onto the rest. The bitterness must be opposed by force of will. Lashing out is natural, it is a vent for your negative emotions, you need to find a better one. Run, punch a punching bag, blow some people up in a video game, ride a bike, talk to someone, scream into a pillow. There are many ways which don't harm others to give vent to your negative emotions. At it's heart, though, it's about stopping yourself in the moment and saying "this person doesn't deserve this from me" and taking a deep breath.
That's all about practice. I was an emotional black hole when I met my wife, wounded and fucked up beyond all belief because I hated my parents. I took alot of my insecurities and abandonment issues out on her. I had to get upset with myself for allowing the behavior and stop it. Once I stopped myself from taking things out on her and everyone else around me, I was able to refocus those negative energies down safe passages where I could vent without it turning me into a raging asshole.
Last, let's talk about the guy in Chem.
Smiling is good. It's positive reinforcement. You may be so mixed up that he has no idea what's going on in your head, but if he feels like he makes you smile at least it'll encourage him to indulge any interest he has in figuring you out.
You can compliment a guy without swooning at him. Tell him he's cute when he smiles. If you don't remember his name, ask him. Seriously, tell him you can't for the life of you remember his name, and you want to. Thank him when he tells you and remember it. Complain to him about how you haven't seen this or that movie and you so want to and everyone you know is busy and hope he takes a hint, ask him what kind of food he likes and get him to talk about himself, push the convo towards date activities that you might like to do to. Search for common ground and flat out drop the suggestion that you should go do whatever it is you both like together.
A few well chosen compliments and some conversation and a hint or two should work just fine. It's OK to be up front, you need the practice with interaction anyway and most guys are so surprised by an up front girl that they're too busy to notice if you were a little awkward in your delivery.
Bottom lining it, if he's attracted to you and you make it clear you're attracted to him, and he's single, you can probably get him to go out with you pretty easily.
Last for real, expand your friends circle. Even if this guy isn't interested in dating, see if he has friends and you can hang out with them. Chat up a girl or two around you and see if you can hang out with them too. Try to find a group of friends you can feel comfy around and integrate yourself into the group. The easiest way to seem attractive to people is to be with a group of people who you like and who like you. It lets you relax, feel like you're on your own turf when interacting with new people, even if it's you and five or six people at a huge party where none of you know anyone else. It gives you a place to showcase that you can be a cool person, which will make you attractive to others and smooth out the wrinkles in awkward first meetings.
Plus, if you get really cool with your friends they can build you up to guys and drop the hints you're too shy to. Nothing gets a guys attention like one of your girlfriends telling him "yeah, she thinks your ass looks great".
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Hi again,
http://www.advicenators.com/qview.php?q=598353
Can you please be so kind as to not post this on your column? It is kind of getting personal and I don’t want the public to read what I am about to say. Please?
I am not trying to be stubborn but I don’t want to talk to a therapist. One because I don’t have the money, two because I will never open up to one and I feel intimidated (I don’t like them), talking to you is different. But anyway, I do have a strong need for him to return the feelings I have for him. That and I’m really hurt that he doesn’t have any idea how I feel about him, and I have myself convinced that once he knows how much I love him he’ll run into my arms but I know I’m wrong, and it’s all just a fantasy. But it’s why it hurts so much because the truth is we can never be one. We can never ever ever be a couple.
You’re right; there is a hole in my life. And it’s the absence of love. It’s the void of his love when I love him so damn much. I know you’re married but imagine for a second you weren’t. And you loved a woman who is engaged. You loved her so much; she is what you think about every moment of your life. (Basically how you felt about your wife I’m sure). She is what is on your mind when you wake up each morning and the last thought before you fall asleep, but she comes back in your dreams. You cared and loved her before yourself but she has no clue you even see her more than anything but a friend. No idea how much you love her because to her the last thing she would think is that you would fall in love with her. How would you feel? How empty would your soul feel? When you love someone you hope to god that your feelings are returned otherwise it leaves a void, in my case a void of his love. It’s the only thing that can fill it. I don’t need friend love, mother love, sibling love or anything like that. The void hole is romantic love, and there are several different types of love where each one feels so different than the other. The one I need right now is romantic love. Do you get what I am saying?
Maybe it does have to do more with other things than just him. Maybe? I have never been in a relationship before, never had a boyfriend, and nobody’s ever told me they liked me in that romantic way before in my 19 years. Yes I’m young but still all my friends and even my sister have been asked out or something along those lines. I mean I’m not ugly or anything because I do get checked out a lot and stuff but nobody’s ever fell for me like that. I'm so fricken shy. I’ve only fell “in love” with one other guy before this bus driver. And he never returned my feelings either, but he knew how I felt but we were not friends. And this bus driver helped me get over guy number 1, but I fell for this bus driver partly because I was getting over guy number 1, but that’s not why I love him now. And I never felt this way about guy number 1, this love is different, it’s real because I don’t love him for his looks. (I wish I could use his name I feel so disrespectful calling him bus driver). So yes I do have a void of romantic love, I’m so sick of it I just need at least a romantic hug. I can’t take it anymore, all this hurt I’m so tired of loving and hurting. I want a man to love me unconditionally, and i want it to be this bus driver because I love unconditionally and will love him unconditionally forever until I die.
I do know people in my life need me. I mean I’m not suicidal and would never do any such thing. But yeah I do want to feel like I am “essential” to someone. How do you love yourself if a guy can’t romantically love you? There's no point in seeing the good in you if nobody else sees the good in you, right? & Everyone knows the one thing a woman needs in life is not sex, or money but love unconditionally forever and ever.
Thanks for being here,
Annashae (link)
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First, on the column part, I have no idea how to do that. If you'd like, feel free to message danger nerd with any links appropriate to these questions including the one to this answer and ask him to remove the questions from the website. I have no problem with it and as the webmaster he is the one who can functionally remove them, I can delete my answer but I have no power over your question or where it's posted.
Second. I've been in your shoes. At 19, I was in love with a girl who saw me only as a friend. I was never comfy expressing myself at that point, especially with her, and so we were literally best friends who hung out every day and if one of us didn't hear from the other for 24 hours we got worried about it. I wanted her, I needed her, and it never happened. She dated other guys and told me about it, and by the time I stepped up and told her how I felt it ruined the friendship.
I got over it. I told myself, logically, that it wasn't ever going to work and I forced myself to stop thinking about her. I threw myself into friends and school and work, I played a ton of video games, I dated other people even when I didn't really want to, and I eventually moved on.
It's tempting to dwell, but you have control over that. You can force yourself to think of something else, to look at and talk to other people, to go out and have more experiences than this first unrequited love. It requires realism and self discipline. It requires a determination to not let yourself sit there and pine, but to get up off your ass and do something else with your day other than mope about what you cannot or should not have.
It requires nothing more simple or more difficult than waking up in the morning and looking in the mirror, telling yourself "I don't want to be this person" and living your life until it's as true as you want/should want it to be.
Now, the next part will probably sound harsh.
You do not know what love really is yet. You won't until you are in a relationship with real love, where you know someone and they know you, and you love them and they love you back the same way. Your concept of love and commitment will deepen when you go from wanting to make someone happy to actually doing it in your day to day life and seeing it's effect on someone else, seeing how they return what you feel for them with a look, a gesture, a loving embrace.
You can't see it now because you are completely inexperienced. You can't know it until you've been there, and you aren't there yet. I didn't either. To use my wife's description, what you feel right now would fill a bucket. That bucket looks huge to you, you feel like it's amazing that it could be so full it's practically overflowing.
Someday you will be with someone, and you will remember that bucket and compare it to the ocean you will be capable of feeling. The bucket won't have been any less full, but you'll understand what it means when the bucket grows exponentially. Wait till you have kids someday and it feels like the ocean you thought to be vast and unchartable doubles in size in the space of a day.
Coming to that last paragraph, it is possible for you to love yourself without anyone else loving you. This has been a difficult concept for me in my own life because I was not raised to love myself or believe that I was worth much of anything.
Your self worth is not determined by what others think of you. It is determined by what you think of you. Your potential, your goals and wishes, the good you add to the world outweighing the bad that you add.
You would love a man and devote yourself to him, make him happy. You would feel good because you made someone happy. But you ignore the fact that you are inside the kind of person who seeks to make others happy, who wants to be a force for good in the lives of those you care about. You can love yourself because you are a good person with love to give. You can love yourself because you are probably good at other things besides giving love to others. You can love yourself because you want to try, to not give up, to make things work and to find a way to manifest your dreams into your own life.
Until you can love yourself, you will not find what you seek. The kind of guy you want as a partner is going to be the kind of guy who wants a girl who loves herself as well as him. So you need to spend a little time caring for yourself a little more.
I don't know what to say about the therapy. If you can't talk to a professional try a friend or family member you trust. Someone who isn't burdened by internet anonymity who knows you well enough to give you some advice which will help you more with how you feel about yourself than the things I have to offer.
Last on the advice side, you have an unrealistic view of relationships. You are looking for nirvana, that's not what a relationship is. Relationships are work, effort, fighting to make things work because when they do they are sublime. You are looking for an end destination of happiness, but real relationships are about the journey towards happiness together.
The same way you want someone else to love you so you can love yourself, you want to be in a relationship because you think it will make you happy.
It will not. Relationships are what provide you with a companion to share the happiness you find with. Someone to stand with you as you seek happiness together. You need to just go out and date. Express yourself. Flirt with guys. You are not ready for the commitment you think you want with this bus driver, you need to actually date some people, learn what it's like when you fall in love, when you don't, when you try to make things work and when you can't anymore so that you can figure out what's really going on here enough to know what you really need in a person.
Right now, you're just pining for a guy who represents what you think you want. What you think you want is some idealized idea of what hollywood has sold you that relationships are. Relationships are not what you think they are at all, but when you finally find yourself in a good one you realize that they are so much, much more.
Also I kick ass at relationships because I get people and their motivations and I've not allowed male stereotypes and gender roles to suppress my natural empathy. I understand in more ways than you can probably imagine how you feel day to day about this. It lets me try to chart a way through which tries to overcome the emotions which are holding you back without being completely insensitive to them.
I know you love him as much as you can right now. It doesn't hold a candle to what you will be capable of in a decade with some dating and a serious relationship or two actually under your belt.
And as it stands, literally the only thing you can do is move on. It sucks, it will hurt, you won't want to, but when you realize you have to force yourself to do it anyway and get out there and date someone who returns what you feel, this crush you have now will seem small and inconsequential by comparison.
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So about two and a half weeks ago I was hanging around the football field after a football game with one of my friends (were both cheerleaders, so we had to stay after to put up our mats and stuff). While I was carrying one of the mats to the locker room one of the guys on the football team was also hanging around (even though it was pretty late after the game). I know the guy, but we don't really hang out and stuff and only have a few mutual friends. Anyway, he called me over and I went to go talk to him and right away I knew something was weird. He started hitting on me and touching my arm and asking me if he could give me a ride home and what not. I said no and told him I had to go. But he grabbed me and pulled me into the guys' locker room. I tried to get away, but I was really no match for this kid. He had me pinned against a wall and was half trying to dry hump me/cover my mouth and half trying to get my skirt off, when thank God, my friend Jake found me. Jake plays football and had forgotten his phone in his locker and came back to get them. He shoved the other dude off me and was trying to get him to fight him but the other guy ran off.
Since then, the other dude hasn't admitted that he had physically forced me to do anything. Not much I can do to prove it so I kind of have to leave it at that. But the thing is... ever sicne then I've been feelings this weird attraction to Jake. Even though for years he's been like a brother to me... It's weird. I think it just may be because he rescued me, and I'm having some weird response to that... I really don't want to like him... haha he's a great guy and really hot but he's my friend and I don't want to ruin that and I'm not sure what to do. Any advice? By the way, I'm sixteen, girl. The guys are both seventeen. (link)
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Thirding the report that shit. Don't let the lack of evidence stop you from reporting sexual assault, douchebags like that depend on the idea that you will keep your mouth shut, if nothing else after you've reported it tell his coaches and spread it around so that other girls know to watch the fuck out. You stop guys like that by making others aware of what they are willing to do.
On the subject of Jake, give it some time. In a month if the attraction hasn't gone away it probably won't and was probably there all along with you ignoring it for the sake of the friendship. If that's the case, date him, because you won't be friends forever when you're actively into him and you might be something more if you give it a shot.
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I am at a point in my relationship at which I am either out of options, or not emotionally intelligent enough to know how to handle it.
My boyfriend has anger issues. Not violent or anything, but he definitely has issues. He's told me they stemmed from his childhood and he's always gotten mad or annoyed over small things and I am dealing with it now that we are out of the "honeymoon" phase where he was happy just being around me. I, on the other hand, am the complete opposite. I never get angry, and I don't know how to handle it when people do. I try to "fix" the situation and end up emotional because I'm in love with this guy and I hate seeing him upset. But no matter what I say, I can't fix it. Sometimes, he gets mad over things that I do, sometimes, its got nothing to do with me. Still, he becomes silent, acts cold, and stays that way for a long time. The fact that I get emotional about it also bothers him a lot, but the thing is I truly cannot help it because I care about him so much. I've looked up ways to deal with people that have anger issues and the typical advice is keep cool, don't give in to it, don't try to fix it etc. But I cannot seem to do that no matter how hard I try. Do you have any tips for me that may help me deal with him, or things that I can say to make him realize he's putting a huge strain on our relationship by being the way he is. He's told me before he cant help it but I'm getting to a point where I don't know if I can take it anymore, it's truly upsetting me that hes always mad about something, yet at the same time do not want to lose him because he is one of the most genuine, sweet, good people I know and he loves me very very much. I feel like there is a right and a wrong way to handle this and I've been doing it all the wrong way... help please (link)
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He needs to see a counselor. Without that it will take years at the very least to begin making significant progress.
Anger is toxic, and people who don't know how to let it go and allow themselves to calm down will shut down emotionally because it's the only method of control that actively works without practice and some guidance.
I'd talk to him. Tell him that you think he should talk to someone about anger management. Have a calm conversation where you tell him you need to be honest in your feelings with him and explain to him how much strain it puts on you and how difficult it is for you to cope with.
At the same time, you need to control your worry the same way you expect him to control his anger. Some people are wired for irritation and anger and are fully capable of expressing and having these emotions in a healthy, constructive manner. If you want to stay with him you need to talk to him and work with him on figuring out how to differentiate between anger that needs to be controlled and dealt with and irritation which just needs to be ignored.
Sometimes he needs to be free to just be a little pissed off at the world. Focus mostly on his anger directed at you and how it's dealt with, and his emotional distance. It's harder to stay angry when you feel loved, so ply him with a little affection when he's upset and open to it. Show him a little empathy as well. When he gets cold and distant, give him a little space, but come back and give him a hug or a kiss, or just ruffle his hair and let him know he's not alone. When it's directed at you, get used to the phrase "I love you, and I need you to calm down" and use it alot.
Talk to him about all of this. Being open and honest is the first step to improvement, because when an angry guy feels like he's being handled he's going to get angrier. But when you've talked to him about it and he recognizes during calm periods that you need ways to try to snap him out of his anger, you can agree on things like 'I'll say this, and you will recognize that you're too angry and that I need you to calm down" and then hopefully when you remind him of it with your agreed upon phrases and words later he'll come back to what was said and calm himself.
Also, talk to him about signals he can give that let you know when he needs space. Sometimes angry people just need a little time to cool off before reason can set in, so you need ways he can let you know "it's a bad time to try to calm me down" so on and so forth.
There has to be alot of communication, and you have to both balance each other's needs against your own. When you can't take feeling alone, he calms himself down and handles his shit so he can be with you and be happy, even if just for a little while. When he can't handle contact because switching his emotions on brings a torrent of pain and anger with it, you amuse yourself and give him the space he needs. And you both compromise on it enough that neither of you feels alone and hurt to a point that you cannot bear it.
Last, realize that sometimes he is going to be in pain and there's nothing you can do about it. There will be times when nothing you do helps. Don't take it personally, be patient, but don't be afraid to stand up for yourself when it's directed at you. His issues will take time to work out and if you are there for him you can make it easier than you'll ever functionally realize.
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hi. So I am not sure if you remember me, but I am the 19 year old female who really likes that bus driver 20 years my senior. You seemed the wisest from all the columnists so that is why I am back.
http://www.advicenators.com/qview.php?q=593888
I miss this guy so much, months are passing but my feelings are only growing. I understand to you it may seem funny if somebody so young is attracted to someone so old but i cannot help who catches my eye. A bus driver is just his profession so I don'T get why it is so weird. He's just a normal person like everyone else, but with a better soul. I love him for who he is. sigh. I have tried to take your previous advice but it is not helping, days just keep passing me by. i know he already has a woman but that's not stopping me from loving him. i do not expect him to be my lover just at least be by my side as a friend like old times. i cant forget about him, nor move on. i never met someone so amazing, i feel like hes the only man i can be happy with. I would give the world for him just as long as hes happy and successful. I apologize for bothering you and taking your time, but I really need someone to talk to, i hope you can.
annashae (link)
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Honestly, they have a word in psychology for this, it's known as limerance, and it's basically unrequited love with a severe, almost obsessive need to have the other person return your feelings.
There is some hole in your life which needs to be filled and you are filling it with your feelings for this guy. I can't begin to address this in a question, I couldn't really in person either. We're entering professional "I really should be college educated and licensed to give you advice" territory.
I can tell you that you need to figure out what hole you're trying to fill in yourself and address it some other way than this guy, because whatever it is I doubt it even has a ton to do with him. I have alot of personal experience with living a life devoid of affection and love and seeking others to fill the holes, I can't say that I've ever gotten good advice on fixing problems like this and all my revelations have come from introspection.
I will make one observation though. You've repeatedly talked about how you want to give him the world, you want to make him happy. You've not hesitated to go on about sacrificing whatever you'd have to sacrifice to make his life better because that would be worth it to you.
Do you feel like anyone in your life needs you? Do you wish you did? You sound like you are searching for someone who will make you feel like you are essential to them. I think you should spend some time thinking about why you don't feel essential to yourself. You can't live for other people, and you don't seem to want enough to live for yourself.
Consider talking to a therapist. There are issues here I don't know you or know enough about psychology and counseling to begin to help you with. But while you're considering that advice, definitely take some time and ask yourself why you are so desperate to fill a void you perceive in someone else's life. Ask yourself what void exists in yours that you can't fill without someone else.
I can tell you from experience that when you don't love yourself enough and seek others to do it for you, even when you get exactly what you want it doesn't actually fix the original problem that you don't love yourself enough.
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I have a question and its for both guys and girls. Would you date someone or be with them if they've had sex friends before?
Ive only been with one girl before and i waited till i was in love and saw a future and all that stuff but now (im in college btw) it seems like EVERYBODY is with a f buddy. Im all for love but sometimes it just takes too long to find it; so im asking girls and guys that have been in loving serious relationships would u date someone thats had f buddies before? Please put gender and age, thank u (link)
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Yes. I'm a 27 year old guy.
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I'm 13/f,and my boyfriend Derek 16/m and I have been dating for a week and four days.We talk alot,but don't get a chance to see each other,because of our busy schedules.We used to talk everyday,but it's been a week,since the last time we talked.We have time to talk,but we don't.Well,I'll talk to him,and he'll say hi,and he missed me,and I won't hear from him again,unless I talk to him again.I'm really confused.Does he still love me? Should we keep our relationship,or call it quits?Help!!!!! (link)
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A week and four days isn't a relationship.
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Having a lack of confidence always makes me shy about certain things. Especially making the first move... I have liked my friend for a while. He is a senior, I am a junior. We flirt a lot but I know he wants to wait a bit before we make us official. I like him a lot... And he wants me to kiss him. I feel sooo dumb! I have kissed plenty of guys but I have never really made the first move for a first kiss. I feel so shy and then at times I just wanna pull him close and kiss him but I am afraid I will be a bad kisser or something. I dunno. I feel like I haven't kissed anyone in years! I really want to but I am just so damn scared! I want to conquer my fear. Any advice? (link)
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Actually the 1,2,3 kiss him from below isn't a bad idea. You're thinking about it too much and psyching yourself out. Go for thinking less, just meet up with him thinking "I'm going to kiss him!" over and over in your head and do it as soon as you get the chance. Let the chips fall where they may afterwards.
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20/f Tony 18
Me and Tony recently started dating. We were "talking" for a long time before that though and I've known him for about 8 years. The thing is that Tony's a virgin and I'm not. I've only had sex with one guy. Tony said he just wants to wait until he finds the right girl, he's not waiting until marriage. I respect that and it's not like i'm going to dump him because of this.
The thing is, do I just wait for him to come to me when it comes to sex? I'm not going to pressure him into ANYTHING but i'm know he's going to be nervous when and if the time comes to talk about it or even just do it. I don't know how to act with this! (link)
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Discussing it/bringing it up once in a while is not pressure. Making your needs and wants known is not pressure.
Make your stance of "whenever you're ready, so am I" clear to him and then ask him what his boundaries are, how far he's comfy with going. Explore those boundaries as much as you like, making out or whatever he's ok with. Whenever you get physical just ask him if he wants to try something new or stick with the safe territory, and go with what he asks. Make communication about sex and your mutual sexualities something standard and comfortable, something that you can talk about and then do without a problem on either side.
The key here is to make nothing uncomfortable. Let him know how much you like him and how much you enjoy being with him, give him positive reinforcement and if he says no to something you want give him a smile and a kiss and let him know that it's perfectly fine by you that he said no, that you just want to be with him in whatever ways he's comfy with. Encourage him to be the aggressor (because as the experienced one you're probably going to be more comfy with it at first) and get a back and forth dynamic going where you can come to him, but he can also come to you. Communication is key to this, as is that comfort. He has to feel like he can approach you when he wants, too.
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my friend who is 18 has sex with her 20 year old brother .She told me she instigated it .should i tell her mum (link)
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They are both adults, leave it alone. The last thing you want to do is get involved in that kind of family drama. It's really none of your business, if I were you I'd just wish she hadn't told me, then try to forget she ever told me. Ask her not to bring it up again and avoid hanging out with just the two of them in case they feel more comfortable being affectionate because you're "in on the secret".
If you can't not get involved then end the friendship and stop talking to her. Tell her point blank "I can't not think about that when I see you, I wish you'd never told me, and I just can't handle being 'in' on that kind of secret. Good luck with life" or something similar.
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I am a 19yr old virgin guy who masturbates often but I really don't want to do it. I get the desire to have sex and end up masturbating but I feel very DIRTY after 'doing it' because of my religious background. I have tried hard to stop masturbating when I get the urge to have sex but it hasn't worked. And I really would love to keep my virginity. What can I do to be at peace with myself? (link)
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Literally nothing. Hormones and religion make bad bedfellows. You can try to concentrate on other things, you can try to occupy yourself when you're feeling horny, and you'll leave messes on your sheets regularly from nocturnal emission if you don't take care of it some other way.
There's really no harm in it. Sexuality wasn't meant to be repressed and religion knows that which is why it trained you to feel dirty in the first place. It's an easy way to guarantee you feel like you need to be saved regularly because your natural biological urges become evil to you.
Best course of action would be to accept that masturbation is a normal part of an emotionally and mentally healthy male's routine so you don't hate yourself anymore.
Literally the only other course of action which will bring you "peace" would be to castrate yourself.
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so i like this guy. he was in my school and passed out this year. i am a year junior to him so i'll pass out next year!
i have been talking to him for quite a while now.. and i really like him. he likes me too. he asked me out recently.(though we both are confused on what to do because.. the problem is he is going to another country :/ for his college! and yeah well he would come back to where i live cause his family is here, but still i mean i dont know what i should do?) (link)
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I really can't suggest getting emotionally involved with a guy who's going out of your country for college. He's going to want some freedom, you're going to want some freedom.
Keep in touch. Keep it amicable, even flirty. Draw a clear line that says "we aren't in a relationship while you're out of the country".
Distance like that is just too emotionally traumatic to sustain a commitment.
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