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Anger Issues
I am at a point in my relationship at which I am either out of options, or not emotionally intelligent enough to know how to handle it.
My boyfriend has anger issues. Not violent or anything, but he definitely has issues. He's told me they stemmed from his childhood and he's always gotten mad or annoyed over small things and I am dealing with it now that we are out of the "honeymoon" phase where he was happy just being around me. I, on the other hand, am the complete opposite. I never get angry, and I don't know how to handle it when people do. I try to "fix" the situation and end up emotional because I'm in love with this guy and I hate seeing him upset. But no matter what I say, I can't fix it. Sometimes, he gets mad over things that I do, sometimes, its got nothing to do with me. Still, he becomes silent, acts cold, and stays that way for a long time. The fact that I get emotional about it also bothers him a lot, but the thing is I truly cannot help it because I care about him so much. I've looked up ways to deal with people that have anger issues and the typical advice is keep cool, don't give in to it, don't try to fix it etc. But I cannot seem to do that no matter how hard I try. Do you have any tips for me that may help me deal with him, or things that I can say to make him realize he's putting a huge strain on our relationship by being the way he is. He's told me before he cant help it but I'm getting to a point where I don't know if I can take it anymore, it's truly upsetting me that hes always mad about something, yet at the same time do not want to lose him because he is one of the most genuine, sweet, good people I know and he loves me very very much. I feel like there is a right and a wrong way to handle this and I've been doing it all the wrong way... help please
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He needs to seek some sort of counseling for his problem, It sounds like your boyfriend has anger over other issues and things going on his life. Someone who lives in misery everyday cannot be happy in a relationship. You sit down with him and talk about your concerns, You tell him that his behavior is starting to drain your out of energy and your not happy with the way things are going. If your boyfriend refuses to seek help then you have two options: 1, You stay in a relationship and be miserable or 2, You dump him and you move on and meet someone else. Your boyfriend cannot magically change his behavior on his own, Anger is something that needs to be sort out with a therapist. If he cares, He'll do something to fix it but if he doesn't get help....I would start to realize he just isn't committed helping neither himself or your relationship. Love, Is a risk you take and nothing last forever.
You said right here: " I know and he loves me very very much." If you really want to put it too the test, Then recommend him get some counseling. You cannot change your boyfriend, We can help someone improve but we can't change them. Talk to him and see what he says but if he refuses to help himself then end the relationship and move on. Nobody needs to be with someone who isn't willing to help them and the person they are with.
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He needs to see a counselor. Without that it will take years at the very least to begin making significant progress.
Anger is toxic, and people who don't know how to let it go and allow themselves to calm down will shut down emotionally because it's the only method of control that actively works without practice and some guidance.
I'd talk to him. Tell him that you think he should talk to someone about anger management. Have a calm conversation where you tell him you need to be honest in your feelings with him and explain to him how much strain it puts on you and how difficult it is for you to cope with.
At the same time, you need to control your worry the same way you expect him to control his anger. Some people are wired for irritation and anger and are fully capable of expressing and having these emotions in a healthy, constructive manner. If you want to stay with him you need to talk to him and work with him on figuring out how to differentiate between anger that needs to be controlled and dealt with and irritation which just needs to be ignored.
Sometimes he needs to be free to just be a little pissed off at the world. Focus mostly on his anger directed at you and how it's dealt with, and his emotional distance. It's harder to stay angry when you feel loved, so ply him with a little affection when he's upset and open to it. Show him a little empathy as well. When he gets cold and distant, give him a little space, but come back and give him a hug or a kiss, or just ruffle his hair and let him know he's not alone. When it's directed at you, get used to the phrase "I love you, and I need you to calm down" and use it alot.
Talk to him about all of this. Being open and honest is the first step to improvement, because when an angry guy feels like he's being handled he's going to get angrier. But when you've talked to him about it and he recognizes during calm periods that you need ways to try to snap him out of his anger, you can agree on things like 'I'll say this, and you will recognize that you're too angry and that I need you to calm down" and then hopefully when you remind him of it with your agreed upon phrases and words later he'll come back to what was said and calm himself.
Also, talk to him about signals he can give that let you know when he needs space. Sometimes angry people just need a little time to cool off before reason can set in, so you need ways he can let you know "it's a bad time to try to calm me down" so on and so forth.
There has to be alot of communication, and you have to both balance each other's needs against your own. When you can't take feeling alone, he calms himself down and handles his shit so he can be with you and be happy, even if just for a little while. When he can't handle contact because switching his emotions on brings a torrent of pain and anger with it, you amuse yourself and give him the space he needs. And you both compromise on it enough that neither of you feels alone and hurt to a point that you cannot bear it.
Last, realize that sometimes he is going to be in pain and there's nothing you can do about it. There will be times when nothing you do helps. Don't take it personally, be patient, but don't be afraid to stand up for yourself when it's directed at you. His issues will take time to work out and if you are there for him you can make it easier than you'll ever functionally realize.
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