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busdriver continued.
Hi again,
[Link](Mouse over link to see full location)
Can you please be so kind as to not post this on your column? It is kind of getting personal and I don’t want the public to read what I am about to say. Please?
I am not trying to be stubborn but I don’t want to talk to a therapist. One because I don’t have the money, two because I will never open up to one and I feel intimidated (I don’t like them), talking to you is different. But anyway, I do have a strong need for him to return the feelings I have for him. That and I’m really hurt that he doesn’t have any idea how I feel about him, and I have myself convinced that once he knows how much I love him he’ll run into my arms but I know I’m wrong, and it’s all just a fantasy. But it’s why it hurts so much because the truth is we can never be one. We can never ever ever be a couple.
You’re right; there is a hole in my life. And it’s the absence of love. It’s the void of his love when I love him so damn much. I know you’re married but imagine for a second you weren’t. And you loved a woman who is engaged. You loved her so much; she is what you think about every moment of your life. (Basically how you felt about your wife I’m sure). She is what is on your mind when you wake up each morning and the last thought before you fall asleep, but she comes back in your dreams. You cared and loved her before yourself but she has no clue you even see her more than anything but a friend. No idea how much you love her because to her the last thing she would think is that you would fall in love with her. How would you feel? How empty would your soul feel? When you love someone you hope to god that your feelings are returned otherwise it leaves a void, in my case a void of his love. It’s the only thing that can fill it. I don’t need friend love, mother love, sibling love or anything like that. The void hole is romantic love, and there are several different types of love where each one feels so different than the other. The one I need right now is romantic love. Do you get what I am saying?
Maybe it does have to do more with other things than just him. Maybe? I have never been in a relationship before, never had a boyfriend, and nobody’s ever told me they liked me in that romantic way before in my 19 years. Yes I’m young but still all my friends and even my sister have been asked out or something along those lines. I mean I’m not ugly or anything because I do get checked out a lot and stuff but nobody’s ever fell for me like that. I'm so fricken shy. I’ve only fell “in love” with one other guy before this bus driver. And he never returned my feelings either, but he knew how I felt but we were not friends. And this bus driver helped me get over guy number 1, but I fell for this bus driver partly because I was getting over guy number 1, but that’s not why I love him now. And I never felt this way about guy number 1, this love is different, it’s real because I don’t love him for his looks. (I wish I could use his name I feel so disrespectful calling him bus driver). So yes I do have a void of romantic love, I’m so sick of it I just need at least a romantic hug. I can’t take it anymore, all this hurt I’m so tired of loving and hurting. I want a man to love me unconditionally, and i want it to be this bus driver because I love unconditionally and will love him unconditionally forever until I die.
I do know people in my life need me. I mean I’m not suicidal and would never do any such thing. But yeah I do want to feel like I am “essential” to someone. How do you love yourself if a guy can’t romantically love you? There's no point in seeing the good in you if nobody else sees the good in you, right? & Everyone knows the one thing a woman needs in life is not sex, or money but love unconditionally forever and ever.
Thanks for being here,
Annashae
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Want to answer more questions in the Sexual Health and Reproduction category?
Maybe give some free advice about: General Sex Questions?
First, on the column part, I have no idea how to do that. If you'd like, feel free to message danger nerd with any links appropriate to these questions including the one to this answer and ask him to remove the questions from the website. I have no problem with it and as the webmaster he is the one who can functionally remove them, I can delete my answer but I have no power over your question or where it's posted.
Second. I've been in your shoes. At 19, I was in love with a girl who saw me only as a friend. I was never comfy expressing myself at that point, especially with her, and so we were literally best friends who hung out every day and if one of us didn't hear from the other for 24 hours we got worried about it. I wanted her, I needed her, and it never happened. She dated other guys and told me about it, and by the time I stepped up and told her how I felt it ruined the friendship.
I got over it. I told myself, logically, that it wasn't ever going to work and I forced myself to stop thinking about her. I threw myself into friends and school and work, I played a ton of video games, I dated other people even when I didn't really want to, and I eventually moved on.
It's tempting to dwell, but you have control over that. You can force yourself to think of something else, to look at and talk to other people, to go out and have more experiences than this first unrequited love. It requires realism and self discipline. It requires a determination to not let yourself sit there and pine, but to get up off your ass and do something else with your day other than mope about what you cannot or should not have.
It requires nothing more simple or more difficult than waking up in the morning and looking in the mirror, telling yourself "I don't want to be this person" and living your life until it's as true as you want/should want it to be.
Now, the next part will probably sound harsh.
You do not know what love really is yet. You won't until you are in a relationship with real love, where you know someone and they know you, and you love them and they love you back the same way. Your concept of love and commitment will deepen when you go from wanting to make someone happy to actually doing it in your day to day life and seeing it's effect on someone else, seeing how they return what you feel for them with a look, a gesture, a loving embrace.
You can't see it now because you are completely inexperienced. You can't know it until you've been there, and you aren't there yet. I didn't either. To use my wife's description, what you feel right now would fill a bucket. That bucket looks huge to you, you feel like it's amazing that it could be so full it's practically overflowing.
Someday you will be with someone, and you will remember that bucket and compare it to the ocean you will be capable of feeling. The bucket won't have been any less full, but you'll understand what it means when the bucket grows exponentially. Wait till you have kids someday and it feels like the ocean you thought to be vast and unchartable doubles in size in the space of a day.
Coming to that last paragraph, it is possible for you to love yourself without anyone else loving you. This has been a difficult concept for me in my own life because I was not raised to love myself or believe that I was worth much of anything.
Your self worth is not determined by what others think of you. It is determined by what you think of you. Your potential, your goals and wishes, the good you add to the world outweighing the bad that you add.
You would love a man and devote yourself to him, make him happy. You would feel good because you made someone happy. But you ignore the fact that you are inside the kind of person who seeks to make others happy, who wants to be a force for good in the lives of those you care about. You can love yourself because you are a good person with love to give. You can love yourself because you are probably good at other things besides giving love to others. You can love yourself because you want to try, to not give up, to make things work and to find a way to manifest your dreams into your own life.
Until you can love yourself, you will not find what you seek. The kind of guy you want as a partner is going to be the kind of guy who wants a girl who loves herself as well as him. So you need to spend a little time caring for yourself a little more.
I don't know what to say about the therapy. If you can't talk to a professional try a friend or family member you trust. Someone who isn't burdened by internet anonymity who knows you well enough to give you some advice which will help you more with how you feel about yourself than the things I have to offer.
Last on the advice side, you have an unrealistic view of relationships. You are looking for nirvana, that's not what a relationship is. Relationships are work, effort, fighting to make things work because when they do they are sublime. You are looking for an end destination of happiness, but real relationships are about the journey towards happiness together.
The same way you want someone else to love you so you can love yourself, you want to be in a relationship because you think it will make you happy.
It will not. Relationships are what provide you with a companion to share the happiness you find with. Someone to stand with you as you seek happiness together. You need to just go out and date. Express yourself. Flirt with guys. You are not ready for the commitment you think you want with this bus driver, you need to actually date some people, learn what it's like when you fall in love, when you don't, when you try to make things work and when you can't anymore so that you can figure out what's really going on here enough to know what you really need in a person.
Right now, you're just pining for a guy who represents what you think you want. What you think you want is some idealized idea of what hollywood has sold you that relationships are. Relationships are not what you think they are at all, but when you finally find yourself in a good one you realize that they are so much, much more.
Also I kick ass at relationships because I get people and their motivations and I've not allowed male stereotypes and gender roles to suppress my natural empathy. I understand in more ways than you can probably imagine how you feel day to day about this. It lets me try to chart a way through which tries to overcome the emotions which are holding you back without being completely insensitive to them.
I know you love him as much as you can right now. It doesn't hold a candle to what you will be capable of in a decade with some dating and a serious relationship or two actually under your belt.
And as it stands, literally the only thing you can do is move on. It sucks, it will hurt, you won't want to, but when you realize you have to force yourself to do it anyway and get out there and date someone who returns what you feel, this crush you have now will seem small and inconsequential by comparison.
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