(Ask A Question.) (Feedback.) (Discussion Board.) (Make Razhie A Favourite.) (Advicenators.)
Razhie. Advicenators Member Since: June 13, 2005. Answers: 5077. Visitors: 211514.
Favourite Collumnists.
(WittyUsernameHere.) (karenR.) (NinjaNeer.) (rainbowcherrie.) (DangerNerd.)
The Question
Alright, I met my boyfriend when I was 15 and I'm now a Freshman in college, so we've been together for 3 years.
I love him. He's a great guy, he's been there for me. He's my first kiss, my first love.. I lost my virginity to him.
The problem is our relationship feels like it's going stale. We don't really do anything adventurous and we certainly don't have any exciting anymore. I've tried getting him to talk about his lack of sexual desire and he just brushes it off. I've tried getting him to take me to do new things but he's brushed that off as well. I've tried mentioning that perhaps we shouldn't see each other every single day so we can retain some excitement when we do get together,but that hasn't seemed to go anywhere either.
I'm at a loss. I'm so sexually unsastisfied and bored, I've found myself going on internet chatrooms, imagining a guy doing the things he says he would. Now I've found a guy to talk to but he doesn't know my real name or where I live.. it's exciting but I know I shouldn't do it. The problem is since it's on the internet and the chances of him catching me is slim, I wind up doing it anyway.
I don't want to break up with my boyfriend.. I really care about and love him. But what can I do to either spice up our relationship or discipline myself from trying to explore other men?
The Answer
Explore other THINGS.
You aren't just sexually unsatisfied - you are generally unsatisfied. Stop whining about 'We should do other stuff' and expecting him to magically change. Make other plans yourself. Go out with girlfriends. Take a class. Join a club. Buy a book. Audition for a play. Volunteer at a soup kitchen. Go do something.
You aren't actually taking care of yourself or trying to find the things you want - you are just seeking escape online. Escape is easy. Satisfaction is tough. Escape is a click away. Satisfaction takes planing, taking risks and making changes all by yourself.
Before you throw the towel in, stop waiting for the change you want, and make the change you can. You don't want to see him every day? Fine. Make yourself busy.
And take yourself away from the computer before it becomes a bad habit and self-fulfilling prophecy. Only time can tell if your relationship with repair itself, but you don't have to spend that time sitting on your butt waiting. In fact, sitting on your butt will hasten it's demise.
(View All Other Answers.)
The Question
I'm 21 and dating a guy who 28 and is very rich. Him and I are just getting back together again. And he wants me to move in with him into his penthouse downtown. His penthouse is 12 mins. away from my parents house, and I think its way to soon to be moving in with him because we just got back in a relationship with each other in November.What should I do? Should go ahead a move in.Or should I stay at my parents for a little while longer till we develop some time under our belt. need help!!!
The Answer
You two have a messy relationship of breaking up and getting back together, and after less than two months moving in together seems like a good idea to you?
I'm a little concerned by a 28 year old guy who doesn't see the obvious problem with that.
I don't think you need our help.
I think you know that this is bad idea.
I think you are afraid to tell your boyfriend that this is not a good idea, and that you are legitimately cautious of jumping into his penthouse after such a short time back together.
Screw up your courage and take care of yourself first and foremost. It's nice that he lives so close by - it's makes it easy for you to go home when you need too. Keep some shampoo at his place - live at home for a quite a while longer.
(View All Other Answers.)
The Question
Okay so me and this kid had both just gotten out of long relationships and we had both been cheated on. im 17 he's 19 We hung out and we soon started to like eachother. a lot. We were inseperable for about 2 months. We did everything together and i had never been so happy in my entire life. I have always said i dont want to get married, im just too free spirited but this kid i would marry in a heartbeat. Every moment is just perfect with him. well then i noticed he had started to back off a little. i was confused but i know how guys are so i just kept acting the same. Then one day we sat down to talk and he told me that he wasnt over his ex girlfriend and he doesnt think that it is fair to me that he is thinking about us both. Soo we called it quits. Then i find out about 2 weeks ago that he is with his ex again. it broke my heart. When this happened i cried and thought more about him than i did when i left my ex of 3 years. Well our group of friends and his group of friends are all friends. So we started hanging out again and he keeps flirting and texting me and last night we were hanging out and he was flirting soo much. He dropped me off at home and texted me 10 minutes later. we talked till one in the morning, i fell asleep and then he texted me this morning. He told me he wanted to kiss me so bad last night and as much as i want to i know its wrong! i dont wanna be a homewrecker so what do i do? im crazy about this kid!!! thanks in advanced
The Answer
It's a cliche, but it's true: A guy who will cheat with you, will cheat on you.
What you do is tell this guy straight up that he is not allowed to flirt with you if he is in a relationship, and you don't want to hear anymore immoral, cheating texts from him. Remind him that you have feelings for him but that if he wants to be with you, he owes it to you both to be honest with everyone! And that means being single.
If he can't tone down the flirting, then he can't be your friend.
I know you aren't going to follow my advice. Almost no one ever does when it comes to this kind of thing. But that is the best, honest most ethical thing to do. Tell him to shove it until he is single. If he isn't going to be single, then he needs to respect you enough not to play with your emotions. If he can't manage one of those two things, then he can't be your friend, because you aren't friends with selfish players or cheaters.
(View All Other Answers.)
The Question
So, i'm taking this hardddd class. and everybody fails. i'm pretty sure. but i'm doing excellent with my friends because we all sit in the back ( our assinged seats are all next to eachother) and during tests we copy each other and stuff. well, i don't know why but he moved me to the front of the classroom today and now i'm screwed because our test is soon and i don't know squat because we normally help each other out.. any good ideas on how to get my seat moved back to the back corner by tuesday next week? btw, he's a really stuborn old man. so like, any ideas onw hat i can tell my mom? so that she can call him and prefer me to sit in the back? please help :) thanks!
The Answer
Your teacher knew you were cheating. That's why you were moved.
A stubborn old warhorse like that can tell looking at your tests that you are helping each other. Hell, I've taught only three classes in my life and I could tell if you were doing this. You don't need to see it happening - It's so obvious just from looking at tests that I'm surprised students think they can actually get away with it.
You aren't getting moved back with anything less then a doctors note and a screaming hysterical phone call from your mother. Even that might not do the trick. And since there really isn't a good reason (eyesight, hearing excuses ectra...) for sitting in the back, you probably don't have much leverage with your mom either.
Your time is better spent studying - seriously. He's not moving you back. Every moment you spend trying to make a plan, is a moment wasted. Just start studying now.
(View All Other Answers.)
The Question
I'm 21 year old female and i have a rather pressing question. Well i got out of a 4 year relationship a while ago and it was rather serious we were engaged to be married. it ended for abusive reasons. my friend lets call him matt also got out of a long relationship too i believe 5 years and he is 24. we have been friends for a few years and resently we started to become more than friends we are sort of secretly dating since our families are telling us to take time to be single and be independaant since niether of us has ever lived alone. but i don"t want to wait and he doesn't either. i would llike to know how long before i can call hiim my boyfriend to my family ps its been 6 months since my break up and 3 since his if that helps thank you for your help
The Answer
You've got two separate issues here, and I think this might be easier to understand if you separate them.
First issue: You are seeing someone.
Second issue: You need to learn to live by yourself, as an adult, in order to be happy and successful in life.
This might be a lot easier to explain to your parents if you recognize that dating someone again is great and wonderful for you both (even though it has happened a bit fast) BUT that you aren't going to further complicate the matter by moving in together right away.
Your families have a very, very valid and real worry if you do not learn to live alone and independently now, that you never will. People who are terrified of living by themselves, or who never acquire that skill, are at a huge disadvantage in life and are often the ones who find themselves trapped in negative or abusive situations without knowing how to escape.
It's fair for them to be worried about you.
Consider their advice seriously, and realize that dating someone you care about is one thing, but trying to plan your lives together so soon after breakups and so soon after getting together, is probably not a healthy plan.
Agree to take it slow. Have fun dating him, but also plan some independent projects and goals. And when you tell your parents, tell them that you understand their concerns and that you are going to make sure you have the skills you need, before jumping headlong into a cohabitation again.
Call him your boyfriend if that is what he is, but for goodness sake don't plan you lives together yet. It's good to be excited about a new romance - but don't be irrational and make far reaching plans right away. You are very young, and it's very important you take it slowly, and establish confidence as individuals as well.
(View All Other Answers.)
The Question
Background: I met my boyfriend online, 2 years ago, and he moved from Florida to Missouri for me after a year of dating. We were really serious, and into each other. My parents disagreed with me dating him because we are different nationalities, and different religions. My parents aren't religious at all but they disliked the idea of me going against my culture. In June of 2010, I moved out of my house and in with my boyfriend.
Lately, I just haven't been happy with him. I realized how messy he is, how aggressive he is, how constantly unhappy he is, and it's the complete opposite of everything I am. I am always neat, meak, and optimistic. I'm not sure if I'm unhappy with him because I've been really stressed with school and work, or if I am interested in someone else, or because he is messy and psycho at times.
The extent to his crazyness is when he chokes on a piece of food, he will flip it off, flip the plate, curse at it, "teach it a lesson" & "punishment."
I just need an overview of someone else's thoughts.
The Answer
Your boyfriend's behavoir is awful, immature and will kill your relationship.
You've got two options really:
You can tell him that his aggression and negativity is going to drive you apart (and it is) and ask him to seek counseling to find better ways to deal with his unhappiness.
Or you can simply walk away.
Everyone has a degree of crazy you inevitably discover when you live together. I, for example, leave dirty socks lying about and I get very cranky and fidgety when I'm sleepy. I'm sure there are other irritating things I do that only my partner would know about.
However, just 'cause everyone has their crazy, doesn't mean you have to accept all crazies. What you've described here would not be easy to live with, and you can choose to not live with it.
Do some serious soul searching to see if you want to talk to your boyfriend about getting help so he can address his unhappiness in ways that aren't aggressive and as negative, or if you do not want to fight a battle of change and it is simply time to go.
Whatever path you choose, it's pretty clear from your question things can't go on as they are. You are loosing respect for this man very quickly. If you want to maintain this relationship, you both need to act quickly, and he needs to be told that in no uncertain terms.
(View All Other Answers.)
The Question
I'm 23/F.
I was on Facebook today and was thoroughly surprised to see that his cousin had posted a note titled "I Cost $(dollar amount) A Night!" Turns out it's one of those survey things where you fill out a checklist and get points for various things, add them up and then use the number in the title.
Why is this a problem? She's 11. I really don't think she knows what it means. Her mother really doesn't monitor her Facebook usage, and nobody has said anything about it yet. I asked my fiance to text the girl's mom and let her know, but he thinks it'll make us look bad if we do.
What course of action should we take? Are we reading too much into it?
The Answer
If it's a single incident, then yes, I think you are reading too much into it.
I also think you need to let your partner's opinion be the deciding one, since this is the family he has known since infancy and has the highest stakes in.
Most 11 year olds I have met recently would have an idea of what "__$ a Night" actually meant, maybe not a clear idea, but a good clue. Whether that makes it better or worse I'm not sure, but you can be certain that is much like the jokes she hears from, and tells to, her classmates. It's not other worldly to her.
If there is a pattern or habit of these sorts of posts, that would be something to bring to her mother's attention. Or more precisely: That would be something for your partner to bring to her mother's attention. You're a fiance, not family yet. Best not to presume.
If her mother is choosing not to monitor her daughter's Facebook use, I would wait to see if there was a pattern of concerning behavoir before interfering. If the only thing about the nature of the post that bothered you was it's title, then it's really one joke in poor taste, not a pattern of accessing or discussing mature content.
(View All Other Answers.)
The Question
Ok I am a 26 year old male... It's a girl that I have been talking to for the last three months...We haven't seen each other we meet off of
a social networking site... But we haven't seen each other before... But for the last three month we have been texting each other everyday and, talking on the phone everynight for hours... We have been sort of liking each other since we talked... But we both kept the relationship on a friendly manner... But when other females try to talk to me she gets jealous and vice versa... so the day before yesterday we both admmited that we liked each other... And if our meeting went right we will date each other... shes way on the east coast and im on the westcoast... but next month i was gonna fly out there and take her on a date... and we were going to hang out... so i asked her could we have sex... and she got all mad and was like no... she treated me as if i was wrong... but 5 min before she was saying that she would rape me... i mean i knew she was joking but we joked alot on a sexual manner... she's 20 and she has been with 5 guys and three different women... so it's not lik shes a virgin... and i dont think i was wrong because i have been talking to her 4 three months and i geinuly wanted to start a relationship when we meet... I'm upset because I started to grow feelings but at the same time... I think she was wrong for treating me like this...what do you think?
The Answer
I don't think either of you are wrong and evil. You just don't know actually each other. Your online conversations have given you the illusion of knowing one another well, but it's only a illusion.
If you still want to met her, apologize for being so forward and assuming it was something you two should talk about, without probing a bit deeper into her feelings or opinions on the matter.
Then have a gentle, honest discussion about where sex fits in your life and your relationships and ask her to be just as candid. Jokes are one thing. Actual discussions create relationships.
Get over feeling betrayed. She probably feels betrayed as well. You don't know each other well enough to know what will offend, and that 'betrayal' is just the betrayal of your fantasy of this person - the thing you construct in your mind before finding out who they truly are.
You are very right that you need to talk about this before you come to met her - you are two sexually active adults who have been in a 'sorta' relationship for four months. It's perfectly fair (and really smart!) to talk about this. You just need to back up and be sensitive about how you approach it, and share your opinions and expectations.
(View All Other Answers.)
The Question
Well i am 17 and i got my period when i was 14. My boobs haven't grown at all since then. I am a 32A (and thats still a little too big for me). I feel comfortable with my personality and body, except for the boobs. And i already talked to my mom about getting them "filled up" more. I was just wondering if you knew the disadvantages to that? And what problems could it cause? thanksss.
The Answer
There is only one way to increase your breast size right now: Breast enlargement surgery. No pills or pumps or any such nonsense works in the long term.
Very few doctors will consider you a candidate for breast enlargement surgery until you are at very least 19-21. (Neither types of implants are approved for use in girls younger than 19 anyways). At seventeen you might feel as though you are done growing but you actually aren't. Your growth is slowing down, but you still have a year or two to go before your bones reach their final size. Long term studies about the effects on really young woman who have breast enlargement surgery don’t exist – but most people agree waiting to the early twenties when it is 100% certain that the bones are done growing is simply rational.
As for the long term disadvantages: The FDA states 40 percent of women with breast implants will have at least one serious complication within three years after the procedure. If you get implants at 20, you’ll likely end up having sugary once or twice a decade for the rest of your life to maintain your implants. You will not be able to breast feed. You will encounter problems being screened for tumours. Breast enlargement surgery isn’t a one time, wham bam operation, it’s with you for life. Everytime you are in an accident, or need to see a doctor, or get a scan, you'll have to deal with the complications of having implants.
I’d recommend against it, not because you should love yourself as you are (well duh), but because it’s actually a huge amount of trouble and people really underestimate the complications you’ll face. The vast majority of women have their implants removed within 10 years, either because they want them out, or because medically they must come out, and your body is never quite the same afterwards.
(View All Other Answers.)
The Question
18(9months) male
I have this girl I have had sex with and we were both clear, actually she was, that it was only that and nothing more would ever be yet now she wants to act as if we are dating though she rejects me and won't have sex either. What is the deal because I am lost entirely.
The Answer
End it.
Whatever 'it' is. End it.
The trouble with some people and friends with benifits, is that they forget the 'friend' part, where you are supposed to talk openly and respect one another.
No one here can tell you what is going through her head. Everyone here can tell you that what she is doing is not friendly.
You can try to give the open, clear talk another go, and ask her if anything has changed since you last talked about what your relationship was and what it meant, or you can simply call an end to it entirely.
I'd vote for the end it entirely bit.
(View All Other Answers.)
The Question
Hi, I have a female hamster, and over the weekend she was climbing and got her foot stuck in the bars. We managed to get her out of it, but she was kind of hurt and was hobbling around with the injured foot in the air. I don't have money to take her to vet, so she's kinda been nursing herself back to health, but she won't stop climbing her cage. I know it's normal for them to climb and play around, but she just got stuck again (though she managed to get herself free) and I don't know what to do. I want her to stop climbing so she'll stop getting hurt, but I know that's not possible. Should I maybe sell her or give her away? Is there anything I can do? I really love her but I don't know if I can handle her behavior.
Any advice works. Thank you in advance! :)
The Answer
Buy her a different cage?
That sounds like the most elegant solution. If her feet are getting caught in this one, then she either needs a cage with larger openings that she can manourver around, or smaller ones where she can't get her whole foot through.
Go to a pet store and ask thier advice, and take a look at cages. Maybe a mouse or rat cage, although still large, will serve her better. I have seen people keep hamsters in glass cages, although I don't know if that is a good idea or not.
Also, she is a hamster. As she gets older, she is gonna get hurt. Part of having a pet, is accepting that they are mortal, and don't live as long, or live as well, as people do. Please don't give her away. Work on your own axienty and stress, and see if a small investment can make her life better.
(View All Other Answers.)
The Question
Hi I'm a 20 yr/F. the problem that's occurring in my family is that my sister is neglecting her family. she is 21yrs old and in love with this guy who is 19 yrs old. i have no problem if she likes him or not, but she is totally obsesses with him. she cant stop thinking about him. the main point is that they're just friends. she always tells everyone that oh we're just friends. she always calls him 24/7 and always goes to visit him. she lives with me and our parents and doesn't give our parents respect. she always tells them lies and she occasionally steals money from them. just for this guy. and whenever she would go out to see him she wouldn't come back till 4 in the morning. i know u guys think that oh shes 21 and that she has her freedom, but she's dependent on our parents. and our religion does not allow smoking and drinking which she does and lies striaght to my parenbts face while shes drunk. i really need your help...please help me solve this problem. how can we keeep her under control cause shes totally out of it..??
The Answer
It's your parent's job to set and enforce rules while she lives in their house.
It sucks for you if they are bad at that, but it's not your place to interfere, and you can’t solve these problems.
She is getting away with this because she is being allowed to get away with this. She is entitled to being obsessed with a boy and to staying out late, and to not following her family’s religion. She is even allowed to be rude. Your parents are allowed to discipline her and/or kick her out.
It’s tough to live in a household where the parents aren’t taking control, or are putting up with things when they should actually be pushing the young adult out. But there is nothing you can do as their child to help them be better parents. If your parents are upset or stressed, recommend they go to counselling or speak to a religious leader to help them come up with a plan of attack.
(View All Other Answers.)
The Question
My male friend has been dating this girl for quite a long time now, probably about a year and a half or two years. I (and all my friends) have met her and we like her a lot!
The problem is this: whenever she isn't around and he has had a couple of drinks, he makes a move on almost any female, available or not (including myself)! I'm not sure if he has ever gone past the point of just being drunk and creepy because most people know he is in a relationship, but I know for sure that once he gave his class ring away to a girl and was regretful the next day.
I guess I am just wondering what you would do in this situation. I don't think that his girlfriend deserves to be treated this way, but I also don't think it is appropriate for me to say anything. I mean, I would want to know if my boyfriend was acting like that but still, I have elected not to say anything because I don't think it is my place. I am wondering if this is the right decision.
The Answer
I think it's perfectly appropriate for you to tell him, as a friend, that his behaviour makes you (his friend) uncomfortable, and that you've noticed a pattern that you want to make sure he is aware of.
I agree that you shouldn't speak to her. That isn't your place. Imgaining that maybe he has cheated, or will cheat, is not kind or respectful of your friend.
However, you are free to tell a friend that you are worried about them, or disappointed in them. You are free to say "Dude, you know I'm your friend and I adore you, but I've noticed this pattern of behaviour in you, and I want to make sure you know about it too, because it's not cool or fun to be around."
He isn't being unfaithful. He is being an irresponsible drunk. As someone he enjoys getting drunk with, it is your place to speak up and say "When you get wasted you tend to do X, and X sucks."
Only, of course, if you want too.
(View All Other Answers.)
The Question
I am a female, eighteen years old. My boyfriend and I had unprotected sewx and few weeks ago. He came in me and didn't tell me until now. He was supposed to pull out. My period was supposed to come yesterday but I feel no signs of it. Its to late for the morning after pill. What should I do?
The Answer
You can wait until you are a week late and purchase a pregnancy test at a drug store.
You might also consider calling your local Planned Parenthood and talking the situation over with them.
Finally, NEVER HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX EVER AGAIN!
This is just one, of the many, reasons that the pull out method doesn't work. If you are not pregnant, and I hope you are not, please remember that condoms are cheaper than babies, and less embarrassing to buy then pregnancy tests.
(View All Other Answers.)
The Question
16/f
I'm single, and recently out of a longterm relationship. I'm not very interested in being in any relationships for the time being, but I want to date. It's something I miss most to being single. You know, the getting-to-know-you type of thing where you don't already know the person enough to not have anything to talk about. This seems perfectly reasonable to me, but I can't help but wonder if dating just for the sake of dating is wrong or unfair? I just don't want to be looking for anything serious right now, not that I would be against happening to find something serious. It all depends.
The problem with all this is that I feel as if my expectations for my age is too high. My last boyfriend was a lovable dork four years older than me. Instead of going to parties and getting wasted and doing crazy ass stuff like drugs, alcohol, and sex (not that we never had any fun lol), we'd just...spend time with each other. You know, go out to dinner, go out for a walk, go out on trips (mountain biking, hiking, runnign, beach,ect.) chill out at a coffee shop, read with each other, just sit and talk for hours, ect. Is finding a kid, possibly my age (that's what I think would be best for me since I really do think I should start looking for people my age and not in college) that would be willing to just "chill out" too high of an expectation?
I'll drink and get a little buzzed, but for the most part, stay away from alcohol. I don't smoke pot, either. I've had my experiences involving drugs and I've determined it's not really my thing. I don't like hearing people talk just for the sake of talking, and considering what the conversations of my peers consist of, that counts as just about everything.
I want someone serious enough to know not to be too serious, but not make an ass out of himself, and as hard as I look, I can't seem to find any guy like that, my age, yet. This all makes me sound like such a prude, but I can promise you, I'm not. I'm actually very fun and spontaneous, and hoping to find someone to date.
I'm just tired of running into guys thinking they're the shit, because they "FINALLY have a car" and so, FINALLY have the audacity/balls to just...be themselves.
I'm attractive. I have plenty of friends, but they're either in college or going off to college, and lately, I've been feeling worried and a little lonely.
What should I do? Just writing this makes me feel/sound like a pretentious bitch, and I hate it, because I honestly don't mean to. Any advice would greatly be appreciated right now. Thank you.
The Answer
You say at the beginning here that it all depends.
The crux of your problem is that you are struggling to take a deep breath and letting it all depend on the situations and people you meet.
I understand your desire to date, but you also need to see some of the completely realistic, and totally understandable limitations on that desire right now: You, and every boy your age you'd be interested in, is in a 'hurry up and wait for it all to begin' phase in their life. You are intelligent, single and not yet in college. This is not a good launch pad for a varied dating life - especially if you have a strict age limit.
There is nothing wrong with dating for the sake of dating. There is nothing immoral about not going into every date imagining that this new person might be the love of your life, the father of your children and delivering his eulogy in front of your dozen grandchildren! That feeling that you can't date for dating's sake, comes from deep cultural programing that tells us the only acceptable reason to form a romantic connection is for the sake of life-long partnerships or marriage. You can merrily toss that idea out the metaphorical window.
Everyone else who answers this question is going to tell you how brilliant, articulate and mature you are. They will be right, but you are also pretentious (an easy thing to be when you are brilliant, articulate and mature at sixteen) and experience might teach you that your expectations are too high for anyone, not just teenage boys.
You want to date, but between the limitations your age and situation puts on you, plus your self imposed limitations, you ARE going to have a hard time finding anyone too date right now.
I'm sorry I'm not coming out with any spectacular advice for you here: The truth is that you've set yourself up (with your expectations, limitations and moral concerns) to NOT be dating at the moment.
Maybe you should be looking to feed your desire for newness, and stimulating conversations, in venues other than dates. New clubs, new hobbies, new activities, might help with the boredom and loneliness, without the hurdles of dating, and help you let "it all depend", instead of pushing and pulling yourself in contradictory directions.
(View All Other Answers.)
The Question
f/16
So, I read somewhere recently that the average amount of sexual partners for a woman in her lifetime will be four sexual partners, and when I read this, I was a little....well...disgusted with myself, to be honest. I've already slept with two; although, one was a rape, and the other, a long term relationship 1+ years with my boyfriend. He was three years older, so sex, I suppose, was just natural at that age. Regardless, that's still two, and I feel, well, a little promiscuous, a little slutty, a little dirty, and a little like if that's really the average, that I shouldn't have been so foolish and quick to make decisions. My question is, I guess, is that REALLY and accurate average? And, if it is, is there any advice you could give when it comes to picking who to have sex with? I understand this sounds a little silly, but it's difficult to gauge whether or not you should have sex with someone if you truly believe you love them and have been with them for a while. Thanks.
The Answer
I wouldn't trust that statistic for a moment. Woman under report the number of sex partners they have, and men tend to over report. Based on that along there is no reason to think that is a realistic number.
I've heard the slightly more believable average number of seven sexual partners, for woman of my age (25-45) and my social demographics like race and education level.
Think of it that way: Even if four is a true number (ha!) many of the woman contributing to that average are people who never had sex before marriage (or, will not admit they did, or will deny what they did before marriage can be called sex.) It includes woman in their 60s who got married to their high school sweet heart when they were 18. Those really aren't valid comparisons to the person you are, and the world you live in today.
I work in marketing, and sometimes when we see numbers like these, we call them 'white noise' because they are basically meaningless. There is no way to validate them, and they deal with a sample size or group of people that it is silly to group together. That makes the data effectively unusable.
Stop worrying about it. Really. There will always be reasons to feel ashamed or confused or to regret your choices in life, and there will always be people in the world throwing around white noise numbers like this to try and help you feel ashamed or confused. Ignore them.
(View All Other Answers.)
The Question
Can jumping up and down cause abortion?
The Answer
No. You'll give yourself a headache, maybe sore legs.
Call Planned Parenthood in your area darling. You need some actual information.
(View All Other Answers.)
The Question
Okay, I've only had sex with one guy. It was my first long term boyfriend, and were both virgins. We used a condom about 80% of the time, so yes, there were some incidents we didn't use protection. But neither of us had an STD.
We broke up about a month and a half ago, and a week or so ago I started getting these symtpoms:
My labia, clit and the lining around my vagina are VERY VERY itchy. But it doesn't burn. And by using Vagisil on a daily basis, it keeps the itchiness away so I even forget about it. It's also kind of red and irritated looking. I have a brownish discharge, and even though I already had my period at the beginning of this month, I've been getting cramps that come and go through out the day.
Any help with what this could be?? I'm 17 years old. And yes, I did tell my mom. She said it could be soap irritation, so I stopped scrubbing "down there" but it hasn't helped. I have a regular doctor's appointment on Thursday, but I was just hoping for some advice before then.
The Answer
You probably have a yeast infection, which is an imbalance of bacteria in the vagina. It's normal, and not an STD.
Unfortunately, as you've let it go on this long, you need to see the doctor to confirm it's a yeast infection, and to make sure it hasn't spread, and to decide if over the counter medication is an option for you, or if you need a prescription.
Don't go and get an over the counter remedy until you've spoken to your doctor, but a yeast infection is the most likely culprit.
(View All Other Answers.)
The Question
I’m 20 and he’s 34. We’re in a band together where he plays the guitar and I sing. He’s married and has a child and I’m in a serious relationship that has been going on for years.
I just can’t help it, I think there’s something going on between us but I’m never sure. Maybe I’m just infatuated with him but he keeps giving me signals, although it’s possible that I’m just misinterpreting them in my infatuation.
At practice we make eye contact for whole songs and he smiles and my heart just flutters. Every time we look in each others eyes he winks at me and I’m not sure if it’s just a friendly wink or not.
When I sing he says it gives him the fever. One of our Band Members joked about it by saying: “Oh dear, always these guitarists and their singers.” And now this has developed into an inside joke.
We had a gig a while back and after we played some people came up to tell me they liked my singing and he joined in (he had had a few drinks so he was bolder than usual) and said jokingly “Hey, this is my singer, you’re not her guitarist, you can’t talk to her”. Whenever friends would make suggestive comments at me in joke he would always say: “Only her guitarist can do that!” and he kept on saying that he didn’t play as well as he could have because we weren’t standing close to each other during the performance and didn’t have the chance to make eye contact.
At one point, my other half and my guitarists wife were talking to each other for a while and he, my guitarist, leaned in and whispered in my ear: “Hey those two are getting on, now’s our chance.”
And the list is endless…
I’m not concerned about whether something is going to happen, I don’t want it to because he has a child, but I’m just not sure if I’m imagining the signals or if they’re actually there.
The reason why I’m not sure is because his wife is unbelievably beautiful and charming whereas I am fat and ugly and can therefore not imagine that he would feel anything for me.
Can anyone give me any advice? Or thoughts?
The Answer
The only the thing about your entire question that worries me, is that you titled it 'In love'.
Are you in love? Really?
Everything else you say here could be innocent, but the fact you label yourself as in love with this man is deeply problematic. You have a partner. So does he. A crush or infatuation is one thing. That happens and can be addressed safely and with respect people’s boundaries, but when you start telling yourself you are in love with someone else, you (and not him – you) have crossed the line into territory where you are going to want to express your new ‘in love’ness physically. That’s a problem.
Sure, you two have an infatuation. It sounds playful, and if he is doing this right in front of his partner, it is unlikely he means anything by it beyond your special relationship as band mates.
However, you should ask him to tone it down, because regardless of his intentions, it's very clear that you are getting confused by this behaviour. A simple chat like “Dude, we have a great time together, but when you say or do things like you just did, it feels awkward and uncomfortable. Please, tone down the flirtatious jokes. They aren’t funny to me anymore.”
Regardless of what he thinks or feels, you have a problem when you start to entertain the idea you are ‘in love’. He might have a problem. You definitely have a problem. You need to address it before it grows. Stop telling yourself you are ‘in love’ if it’s really just a fantasy you don’t want to act on anyways, and stop allowing a level of flirting you are not okay with.
(View All Other Answers.)
The Question
help! my best friend is really mad at me and i think it is ridiculous! i'm 18/f
ok so one day i was home alone and called my boyfriend to talk and he said he was getting coffee with a girl who is a friend. at first, i got really jealous and mad. then i realized i was being selfish because i went to get coffee with one of my friends and i guess its ok if he does the same. (i was worried he did it for revenge) but he told me it was casual so i didnt get as mad. but then i found out that he paid for her. to me- that means a guy likes a girl. to him- it meant polietness. Now i understand the fact that there are 2 personal opinons here. I told him "I understand you were doing it to be poliete, but to me it means more than that. i'd appreciate it if you didnt pay for your other girl friends" he said ok and agreed with me.
things were good after that. we made up and were just talking. then out of NO WEHRE, my best friend steps in and starts yelling at me. she talks about how it is unfair for me to treat him like that and how i'm a bossy b*tch and how she's fed up with my attitude. I sent her a text back saying "i have no idea why you are so mad. we made up and solved the problem" she didnt reply but the whole day at school she's been ignoring me. she would occasionally say one word answers like "hey" "bye" and then walks away really fast and pretends to talk on the phone.
she's just acting really rude and stupid right now. it drives me nuts because i feel like she's mad at me because i have my own personal opinon. my opinon is to have my boyfriend not pay for another girl. thats my OPINION. i didnt demand him to stop. i didnt command him to never pay for a girl again. i just said- it bothers me that you do that. It just doesn't make sense why she's so mad at me, all because my opinon isn't the same as hers.
its like me liking chocolate and she likes vanilla, and me getting mad that she doesn't like chocolate. its stupid! she has a different opinon than me (which is fine. i really dont care if she doesnt agree with me on things all the time) but it just annoys me that she would ignore me and b*tch me out like that all because i view something different than her...
what do i do?
Everytime we have a fight, I try to talk to her about it and try to make her realize my point of view. but that doesn't work because we always end up fighting and arguing. there have been a few times when we almost ended our friendship. but i really don't want that.. she is the type of best friend that i can't find in another girl. especially in my town. she makes me happy and i feel myself around her. i don't want to lose her as my best friend but it just drives me NUTS that she gets so mad at my opinions. If i try to talk to her about it, she'll just get even more mad and yell at me some more.
should i just ignore her and let her come to me? *sigh* thanks.
The Answer
Ignore her.
Its fine to say "It's my opinion." but that doesn't change the fact that other people are allowed to find your opinions offensive. For example, some people have the opinion that homosexuals are immoral and mentally ill. That's an opinion I find disgusting. I would have a hard time not telling a person how revolting and wrong I found their opinion if they told that to me, and I wouldn't want to be the friend of someone who held that opinion.
Your friend found your opinion really offensive. Her response was probably based on a lot of things, including what you said right at that moment and maybe her own bitchiness as well. Honestly, I’m a little disappointed in your boyfriend for not telling you to get over it. You are entitled to your opinion, but his behaviour was fine, and he shouldn’t have to change it based on groundless jealousy.
And it is jealousy. You can call it ‘meaningful’ all you want – it’s all just jealously and insecurity in the end. And that can be an unpleasant thing to see in a friend.
If her anger over your opinions is bothering you this much, then your only real option is to end the friendship, or just wait for it to blow over. She might have over-reacted, but it was fair of her to be disappointed and unhappy with your treatment of your boyfriend. She is allowed to have that opinion, and to express it. Loudly. It might not be polite, but it is allowed. If you want to be this girls friend, you have to accept she’s got opinions, and sometimes, bad ways of sharing them.
If you don't like the way she shares them, your other option is ending the friendship.
Wait it out and see if she comes around. If she doesn’t, it’s probably best for the both of you. If she does, it’ll probably go back to being the same as it was before. It doesn't sound like either of your are especailly great at backing down from fights, so you'll keep fighting.
(View All Other Answers.)