|
In love with an older married man? Does he have feelings for me?
I’m 20 and he’s 34. We’re in a band together where he plays the guitar and I sing. He’s married and has a child and I’m in a serious relationship that has been going on for years.
I just can’t help it, I think there’s something going on between us but I’m never sure. Maybe I’m just infatuated with him but he keeps giving me signals, although it’s possible that I’m just misinterpreting them in my infatuation.
At practice we make eye contact for whole songs and he smiles and my heart just flutters. Every time we look in each others eyes he winks at me and I’m not sure if it’s just a friendly wink or not.
When I sing he says it gives him the fever. One of our Band Members joked about it by saying: “Oh dear, always these guitarists and their singers.” And now this has developed into an inside joke.
We had a gig a while back and after we played some people came up to tell me they liked my singing and he joined in (he had had a few drinks so he was bolder than usual) and said jokingly “Hey, this is my singer, you’re not her guitarist, you can’t talk to her”. Whenever friends would make suggestive comments at me in joke he would always say: “Only her guitarist can do that!” and he kept on saying that he didn’t play as well as he could have because we weren’t standing close to each other during the performance and didn’t have the chance to make eye contact.
At one point, my other half and my guitarists wife were talking to each other for a while and he, my guitarist, leaned in and whispered in my ear: “Hey those two are getting on, now’s our chance.”
And the list is endless…
I’m not concerned about whether something is going to happen, I don’t want it to because he has a child, but I’m just not sure if I’m imagining the signals or if they’re actually there.
The reason why I’m not sure is because his wife is unbelievably beautiful and charming whereas I am fat and ugly and can therefore not imagine that he would feel anything for me.
Can anyone give me any advice? Or thoughts?
[ ]
Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Love Life?
A possible reasonably explanation for you, You could have dwell so much on the possibility of him liking you to the point where you've lead yourself to believe there are possible feelings between the two of you. However one thing I don't recommend, Is getting between a married man and his family. If he is causing you to become uncomfortable you need to speak up and let him know that his behavior is making you feel uncomfortable and also know your boundaries.
]
The only the thing about your entire question that worries me, is that you titled it 'In love'.
Are you in love? Really?
Everything else you say here could be innocent, but the fact you label yourself as in love with this man is deeply problematic. You have a partner. So does he. A crush or infatuation is one thing. That happens and can be addressed safely and with respect people’s boundaries, but when you start telling yourself you are in love with someone else, you (and not him – you) have crossed the line into territory where you are going to want to express your new ‘in love’ness physically. That’s a problem.
Sure, you two have an infatuation. It sounds playful, and if he is doing this right in front of his partner, it is unlikely he means anything by it beyond your special relationship as band mates.
However, you should ask him to tone it down, because regardless of his intentions, it's very clear that you are getting confused by this behaviour. A simple chat like “Dude, we have a great time together, but when you say or do things like you just did, it feels awkward and uncomfortable. Please, tone down the flirtatious jokes. They aren’t funny to me anymore.”
Regardless of what he thinks or feels, you have a problem when you start to entertain the idea you are ‘in love’. He might have a problem. You definitely have a problem. You need to address it before it grows. Stop telling yourself you are ‘in love’ if it’s really just a fantasy you don’t want to act on anyways, and stop allowing a level of flirting you are not okay with.
]
There could very well be an attraction. Totally normal for adults who work together and spend a lot of time together. I'm sure you're a lot cuter than you give yourself credit for, but don't compare yourself to his wife. Here's the thing. When you've been married for a while you start to get used to your spouse and some of the original excitement starts to fade. Some men start looking outside of their marital bonds for encouragement and a little ego stroking. With a wife and child at home, he probably just feels a little stifled, and flirting makes him feel exciting again (probably the reason he still plays in a band, as well). So - you're not imagining it, most likely. You've already said you don't want anything to happen, but let me caution you again - leave this as a "crush"... let it be confined to your working together. Eventually it will pass and you'll look back on it and giggle. If he makes advances, reject it, because in the end you'll be hurt, and the people who love the both of you will be hurt as well. Think of him as your "work crush', somebody you enjoy crushing on during "working hours", to get the fires lit to head home to the one who really loves you.
P.S. - my spidey senses are telling me, based on the comments from your fellow band members, that this guy doesn't have a reputation for being faithful, so just be careful.
]
More Questions: |