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Razhie. Advicenators Member Since: June 13, 2005. Answers: 5077. Visitors: 211514.
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The Question
I'm 25 my boyfriend is 23. We have been together for a couple months now. Yesterday I requested his mom on facebook and she declined it and disabled me from being able to request her again. I have met her multiple times and my boyfriend told me she said I was nice and last time I saw her she gave me a hug when I left. She's friends with my boyfriends brothers girlfriends as well. She would also comment and like things I posted when I tagged my boyfriend in them. It just really bothers me for some reason that she would decline it. Now I feel like it will be really awkward next time I see her. I don't know if she has something against me or what. I don't know if I should bring it up to my boyfriend that this happened and that it's bothering me. Any suggestions? :/
The Answer
Try to relax. There are totally valid reason for his mom to decide she doesn't want that window into your life. It's more likely that she maintaining healthy, respectful boundaries than that she doesn't like you. It could also be something simple like she didn't recognize your full name and didn't think to double check.
Remember that not everyone engages with social media in the same way you do - especially people of different generations. Maybe you could ask your boyfriend to ask her why she made the choice she did, but in the meantime, respect her enough not to fly off the handle and think the worst of her. If she is warm and inviting in real life, that is the important bit.
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The Question
Remember me in sun splash-silvered hills,
In pensive moments lazing by a stream,
In reveries that flow in gilded rills
To foaming seas and to the land of dream.
Remember me, but only with a smile,
And sigh at myosotis in the lea;
Partake of its sweet blossoming a while,
Its blue corolla and its mystery.
Remember me beside a dusty lane
Of twilight-ribboned indigo and gray
Aglint in fading shades of ochre stain
Belonging neither to the night nor day.
Live in these things for all eternity
And I will know that you remember me…
The Answer
The iambic pentameter is just fine.
This is advice site. We don't generally give feedback on creative work. You may need to be more specific if you are looking for help with school work, or with feedback.
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The Question
Hello me and my ex had sex on November 2 and 6th than i didn't get my period on the 19th of November and now I'm pregnant and he is saying that his doctor told him he as a narrow urethra but that was 3 weeks later now he's saying it not his when I know it is he was the only one I did it with.
The Answer
So, he's trying to avoid responsibility?
I'm sorry that is happening, it makes him an asshole, but it's not so unusual for men to try and find a way to deny paternity when they freak out.
Even if he does have a narrow uretha, that doesn't mean he's not capable of fathering a child. You know he has. Just be clear and consistent and tell him not to behave like an ass. You both had sex, you both took this risk, and now you are both pregnant.
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The Question
I'm 21/F and currently single. I got out of a 3 year long relationship early this year and tried dating again for several months. I went the online route because that's how I met my first fiance and also because I currently live in a small town where it's very difficult to meet people.
I went on dates with men in the age range of 21-50 though only went on dates with 9 men.
In turn I only really dated 5 of these men for very short periods of time as by the third date things always took a turn for the worse.
The two guys I liked the most both wound up lying to me about more than one thing and got caught. One of them I thought I was in love with, I liked him so much and he wound up lying to me about his name, age, job and the college he was (not) attending so I had to break up with him.
The other guy lied to me about having two jobs when he didn't even have one and also seemed to be lying to me about where his ex girlfriend lived.
Another guy I actually went on five dates with wound up admitting to me that he had herpes and I couldn't risk that because of the work field I'm in (medical) and because if I continued dating him and took things to another level I could have also contracted herpes and then if things didn't work out some day, I would be left suffering with herpes for the rest of my life and trying to find another partner okay with this.
The next guy I also kind of liked, but he wasn't in college (or planning to go) which was kind of a big deal for me because I want somebody who's on my level or already passed it (A.K.A. somebody who's also in college for a good career path or who's already graduated or has a good job). He also lived an hour and 10 minutes away so I didn't see that working out and he had a huge badly done tattoo of a tiger across his chest and stomach, which I thought was hideous.
The last guy had a good job making good money which was a plus and had some really interesting skills (like tricking out cars). I also really liked his name and our first date was a really cute story. However, I just didn't feel any chemistry between us. He really liked me and wanted to continue dating me, but I just didn't feel the same way about him and when we kissed I didn't feel anything. I also didn't like his sense of humor and even though he seemed to want to go out and do things he just came off boring. I tried dating him again after giving it a break for a few weeks the first time and him begging me to come back, but then I felt like there was tension between us because I stopped talking to him the first time and just decided to let it go because all of my previous issues still remained as well.
I'm moving to a much bigger city in a month and plan to date only people who go to the college I'll be attending or who I meet naturally because dating online seems to be mostly cast outs.
My mom and one of my friends tell me I cut off men too fast, but I feel like all of the above reasons that I broke things off were good reasons.
My mom also told me that lying isn't a big deal with men because they all tell big lies and that it's just finding one who's lies you can get over. I don't like that though and would rather not date at all than date a liar?
I guess my question is am I being unreasonable with my reasons for breaking things off and what are some good reasons to stop dating a man V.S. bad reasons to stop dating somebody?
The Answer
Look, the only reasons for breaking up with someone are your own. You don't have to be reasonable or justified, you just have to look inside your own mind and admit what is and isn't working for you.
So really, there aren't any bad reasons to stop dating someone. There are self-destructive reasons, but as long as you are working to bring yourself closer to your own happiness, then you did the right thing.
And of course you shouldn't date habitual liars. That's a no-brainer. Don't be angry with your mother, just pity her. A woman who expects men to lie will ALWAYS end up with liars. The only way to find an honest man is to expect and demand honesty. Men aren't monsters just because they are male. They are capable of all the same good and evil as any woman.
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The Question
I am friends with benefits (FWB) with an ex. I know - terrible idea, but I really had trouble letting go after we broke up. He just didn't have feelings for me. Aside from sex, we kiss, cuddle, speak on a daily basis, and spend a lot of time together. From the outside looking in, what we have greatly resembles a relationship.
My FWB is not a jealous person and has actually encouraged me to go out and start dating again - but I have been very hesitant because I do not want to end our relationship. I know that we can obviously just be friends with no physical intimacy, but it will certainly be different not being able to cuddle while we watch TV or kiss him or even just hold hands. I really don't want to let go, for fear that I'll never get our relationship back.
I have finally taken the first step in moving on and am going on a date soon. I don't plan on mentioning this to my FWB as of yet. My date seems like a really nice guy, but I don't want to give up my FWB relationship for someone I have just met. What are the guidelines for dating while I still have a FWB? Is it considered cheating after a first date?
Basically, what is/isn't okay? From my experience, most people are not considered exclusive after a first date, as they may be dating many people to try to figure out who is right for them. Is it wrong to continue my FWB relationship while starting to date? When do I stop? And if you believe I need to end my FWB relationship now, how do I go about doing it in a casual way, without sitting down for a "talk" or being dramatic about it?
Thank you!
The Answer
It's not unfair to the people you date to continue your FWB.
It is a bit unfair to you, but that's a choice you get to make.
You are clearly self-aware, you know that a FWB relationship isn't going to cut it for you in the long term, and you seem to have accepted that your ex isn't coming back to a real relationship with you. So what you are doing right now isn't so much a happy, balanced FWB, as it is trying to hold on to a relationship that you both know is dead. You are trying to avoid pain of a breakup you know is coming, but it's unlikely it's going to work like that.
That's fine. You can choose that, but here's the thing: If you choose that, it's going to take longer for you to heal from the break-up that you are sort of pretending didn't happen, and it will be harder to build trust and get excited about new potential relationship, because you are currently IN a relationship. You can call it FWB all you like, but you and your ex are performing as though it's a relationship, not as though you are just friends who sometimes have sex. The only thing that isn't 'relationship' about what you and your ex are doing the fact you aren't exclusive.
Is it cheating to keep up a FWB while starting to date someone else? No, it's not cheating, but it is going to be a turn off for some people, especially since your FWB is your most recent ex. You need to accept that just because it's not cheating, doesn't mean a guy you like has to be cool with it. It's not evil or wrong for some guy to hear about your choices with your ex and decide you aren't the girl for them.
When you MUST disclose is before there is ANY sexual contact with a new person. You also need to tell you ex, before there is any sexual contact with this new date. They have the right to be explicitly told that you are not sexually exclusive. Most people—very fairly—assume that once you start having sex with them you aren't having sex with anyone else. And yeah, it's gonna be a "Talk" because that is what sexual health and basic respect is. If you want to have sex with more than one person on the regular, you must get comfortable with frank, serious talks. If you try to be causal about that, you'll end up being confusing and disrespectful. You need to be serious, and honest and frank, and yup, it might be dramatic.
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The Question
I'm 24 and so is my boyfriend. We have been dating officialy for a month now. Things have been great there's just one thing that concerns me. He shares a dog with his ex. Its "their" dog not just one or the other. The dog stays at his ex's because thats where he grew up as a puppy and they didnt want to confuse him. Hes almost 2 now. My boyfriend doesn't get to see him much because he's been busy with school and hockey. His ex will text him though when she needs him to watch him. Or if the dog is at his ex's moms house my boyfriend will go over there and let him out and play with him if nobodys home. I just don't like they still have this connection through the dog. My boyfriend said he wants nothing to do with his ex and only talks to her when its about the dog. But his ex will text him random things and it's not only just about the dog. I'm just uneasy about the situation and I've told my boyfriend this and he's asked what I want him to do but I feel like there's no option. I'm not going to make him cut off contact with his ex becuase then he won't be able to see the dog. Any suggestions? He's tried telling her to only text him when it involves the dog but she doesn't listen. I think she's still in love with him.
The Answer
Unfortunately, the right suggest here is for you to manage your feelings, not the situation.
If you boyfriend is setting the right boundaries, then he is doing the right thing. They DO have a connection through the dog, until one of them choose to 'abandon' the dog to other. For many dog owners, that sort of complete abandonment of a pet is unthinkable. Even if you know the pet will have a good life without with your ex. If you put your boyfriend in the position where he is feeling pressure from you to give up that dog that is going to cause unhappiness and strain on your relationship.
So trust your boyfriend. It's tough, especially in a new relationship, but trust him to manage this connection with his ex in a way that is respectful of his relationship with you. It may be tough to do, but it really is that simple. There is nothing else he can do, and there is nothing else you should do.
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The Question
what are some songs to tell someone you are not interested?
The Answer
Don't drop hints. That sucks and is kind of mean.
Be honest and kind by using your actual words and not trying to hide behind musical hints.
Say "Hey, I get the impression you are into me. I want you know I'm not feeling a romantic connection here."
It's tough to do, but it's an important skill to learn, and it's the kindest way to do it.
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The Question
My boyfriend is 25 years old (so am I) and we have recently started dating. After becoming sexual I've realized one thing - he's having trouble getting hard. We haven't had sex yet, well because he hasn't been able to get hard. We will be making out and he will be fingering me and still nothing. Last night he even tried to do it himself and it didn't work. It's frustrating for both of us but he says he just needs lube and he can get hard in seconds. Is this normal? I've never had this problem with past boyfriends. He said he swears its not because of me he's just always needed lube to get hard.
The Answer
It's best to listen to what someone says to, especially at the beginning.
Right now, he says he needs lube, so if you want to have sex go and get some lube. You'll find out fast if he was telling the complete truth or if he has a situation he's not comfortable being totally honest about.
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The Question
Hello everyone!
My mother and my ex-boyfriend (whom I am still very close friends with) are both attending work parties on the same day.
My mom asked me to go with her, because my dad's not a huge fan of these events, and because she thought I would enjoy it. Her work party is large, held at a nice hotel, will feature speeches from the founders, will have music/drinks/food, and is formal. Most of her coworkers are are in their late 20s-beyond, and I'm 20, so they're older than me. She told me that my dad would go with her if I decided not to attend.
My ex-boyfriend's party is smaller and not as formal, but should still be nice. It will be held at a restaurant and will also feature music, food, and drinks. His coworkers are closer to my age. I still have feelings for my ex-boyfriend, but he doesn't have feelings for me, and because of this tension we sometimes don't get along well. I have wanted to go with him to an office event for a while.
I did tell my mom I would go with her first, but she's understanding of my situation with my ex and doesn't mind what I do.
What should I do?
The Answer
You should go with Mom.
Don't hang out with a guy who says he doesn't have feelings for you, but still tries to snag you as his date to a work function! That just spells disaster. If you are broken up, be broken up. If you wanna be friends, be friends, but friends don't go as dates to work parties. That's weird and needlessly complicates your already complicated relationship as exes! Not going will help you leave any remaining feelings behind, and will help him realize it's not fair to ask you to be a stand-in girlfriend when he thinks he wants a date for a work thing.
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The Question
we broke up and he said he still wants to be friends. I broke his trust unintentionally and hurt him, and he's gone from so in love to not in love at all. he told me that he wants to be friends still, I don't know, maybe it's because we're good friends before we dated. he said there's no trust as more than friends, but trust as friends can be restored. but it feels as though everytime we talk about the past, he brings up the fact that I hurt him and inevitably I feel like crap everytime because I've apologized and he said he's forgiven me. he also said he doesn't believe anything I say, yet wants to be friends still. it's messing with my mind and also makes me depressed a lot more than I already am. should I even bother staying friends with him or not? thank you, guys.
The Answer
Do you want to be?
That is the only thing that matters and it doesn't sound like you do. Put it this way: If he wasn't your ex, would you put up with a friend who made you feel shitty all the time? Who went out of their way to hold the past over your head? Who wanted to remind you they don't think you are honest, and don't trust you? Someone who forgives you isn't supposed to be constantly trying to put you down.
That's not friendly behavior. You may have fucked up terribly, but he is wants to be friends, he needs to be friendly. If he weren't your ex. If he were just a friend you'd probably at least take some time and space away from that friend, if not just flat out tell the friend to take a hike.
Maybe he was a good boyfriend, and maybe you did hurt him terribly, and maybe he wants to forgive you, but he's still not acting like a good friend.
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The Question
The guy I was kinda dating just said he's not in love with me anymore. And I know he really did love me, and I can't help but think maybe I won't find anyone else who can/will love me as much as he did. I'm scared that I let the person who's loved me so much go away. But he said he doesn't have feelings for me anymore, and I feel like I can't stay friends with him even if I want to. He's like my fourth boyfriend and everytime, it just gets worse and worse. :( Am I still going to meet someone who can or will love me as much as/more than he did? :(
The Answer
I know it sucks, but this is totally normal way to feel after a break up. We all pretty much feel unlovable and hopeless for a while when someone we really like turns out not to like us as much.
You will almost definitely fall in love again.
You are worthy of love, and lovable.
It's okay not to be friends with someone if it's too painful.
Breaking up is something you learn to do - but no one ever gets 'good' at it. You just get less bad at it. It always hurts. It always sucks. It always heals in time and then we fall in love all over again, because being human means being crazy like that!
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The Question
On the first day of my college theater class, the professor split us up into groups of about five or six people and told us that we were going to spend the semester working on a project together. The project was to choose a scene from any play to perform on the last day of class for our final exam. Everyone in the group had a job to do and each job was due on a different date in the semester. Other than acting, the jobs were set design, makeup design, costume design, and lights. All of those only had to be done of paper though and some people had to act and do one of these jobs.
We were all supposed to be a team and be equals, but this girl named Leslie acted like she was the group leader and started assigning us jobs when we were supposed to get to choose what we did. Most people didn't let her push them around like that, but I didn't really care much what job I did so I didn't complain when she suggested that I do the costume designs. It was kind of weird though because it was obvious that she wanted to do them, but she wanted to do the makeup designs as well and she couldn't do both or I wouldn't have had a job.
The costume designs were due in October and about a week before they were to be turned in, someone in the group asked me how they were coming. Leslie answered and said she hadn't started them yet. The other person clarified to her that the costume designs were my job and she said that she'd gotten that confused.
On the day the costume designs were due, I did them and turned them in, not knowing that Leslie had done her own and turned them in as well. Our professor didn't let us know that he had two costume designs from the same group and we never figured it out. Then in November when the makeup were due, he didn't have any designs from our group because Leslie had gotten our jobs mixed up again.
Then, after every part of the assignment was due except the acting, our professor gave us a sheet of paper with the grades we'd gotten so far on all the different parts of the project. We didn't have a grade for the makeup designs and Leslie looked at me and asked me if I'd finished them yet. I said I was in charge of the costume designs, but she argued and said she had done them. Luckily, the rest of the group took my side and insisted that the costumes WERE my job and she admitted she was wrong and said she'd due the makeup designs after class. Then just a second later, she decided that she didn't want to and asked me to do them instead since she'd already done the costume designs. I was irritated because I too had already done the costumes and I was the one who was actually supposed to do so while she was the one who screwed up. Still, being the giant push over I am, I said okay and agreed to do them.
I put my own butt on the line by doing so because makeup designs were so overdue and when I turned them in, it was going to look like I was the one in who was supposed to do them and forgot. None the less, I was willing to clean up her mess because our group was counting on that grade. Our final grade for the class was going to be our group grade for the project and a missing grade could bring us all down from say an A average to a B.
Leslie took the makeup designs from me when I brought them to class and when she handed them to the professor, I heard her say that WE had gotten confused about what jobs we each were supposed to do. WE didn't get confused about jack squat, SHE was the only one who couldn't keep straight what job she was in charge of. I'd let it slide if we didn't also get graded on how well we worked together and communicated as a group. Leslie's lie could have gotten us all docked a letter grade despite how hard I worked to save all of our butts from that very thing. That combined with the fact that the makeup designs were late probably did bring us down a lot.
My professor has given us all a chance to come to him with any complaints we have about our group members. So my question is should I tell him about Leslie? If I do, I might sound like a whiney little tattle tail and if Leslie gives him a different story, I might also sound like a liar. If I don't however, we could all get lower grades because of Leslie and her screw up, not to mention her throwing us all under the bus. I might as well have not done the makeup designs, but rather told her to do them herself as it wouldn't have hurt our grades any worse than what she's don has. So WDYT? Should I be a tattle tail and tell on her or let us all hang and do nothing about it? Also, I'm sorry about the length of this question. I really didn't think this would take this long to explain.
The Answer
I wouldn't bother.
You are in college now, your profs will no longer give much of a damn how the group work gets done, so as long as it does. Fairness is now not as important as good end product. The rest is between you guys. Frankly, most profs also have enough experience to with students to sniff out the short of shit Leslie just pulled. So as upsetting as it is for you right now, you should just relax and let it go. You have more to loose than to gain by complaining at the moment.
If after the grades are in, you think this negatively affected your grade or the grades of the rest of the group then one of you—perhaps not you who is understandably the most emotional on the subject—should bring it up.
You may also ask your professor now if there will be any chance to to do peer grading—often in group work you'd be asked to comment on your peers or how the group worked as a whole—that would provide a chance for you and the others to have a voice about Leslie's behavior. Even if your professor says no, your asking that question will also give them a heads up that that not all was quite as it seemed with the 'confusion'.
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The Question
I'm female 21 and my boyfriend is 23 so we are both consenting adults that have been dating for six months now. My boyfriend and I had sex twice last night with about fifteen minutes between both times. The second time we had sex, the condom broke when he was about half way in, pulled out right after he heard and felt it and we stopped, he didn't finish either. However, my concern was that there was still semen from the last time that may have made it's way into the second condom so he went to Walmart and got Plan B. While he went to get it, I read awful horror stories of being super sick on it and I was apprehensive to take it since I'm to get sick on my birth control originally with the burst of hormones that comes from it, so with another burst that is three times more powerful from Plan B, I almost started crying thinking about how sick I could possibly get. My boyfriend finally just said I should take it and he would be with me the next few days so if I did get sick he'd help me out, after about a half hour of talking it over.
Now, I am on birth control but I just started that Sunday - as you're supposed to begin that the Sunday after your period begins. I also ended my period on Sunday after four days of having it, I hardly ever get a full week's worth of my period. I got my period on Thanksgiving so I started my birth control on Sunday. With it not being a full week from starting my pill and it not being in full effect, I was still concerned when the condom broke, hence, why I took the Plan B. I even tried to mathematically figure it out that my next period would start Christmas Eve (go figure), so I would ovulate on December 7th, if anything did get inside of me when the condom broke, it would stay inside until December 5th and I would give or take a day or two for ovulation to occur since what is helping me keep track of everything is just an app on my phone, meaning I could either probably ovulate on December 5th or December 9th or anywhere in between those dates meaning I could have released an egg on the 5th that could attach to one of his sperm.
However, now I'm thinking about it, my birth control would take effect on December 6 (this coming Sunday) meaning I should not ovulate anyway since that is the job of my birth control pill. So, did I take the Plan B for no reason? Am I still going to get my period on time now that I should have stopped ovulation with my regular birth control and probably really ruined my cycle with the Plan B pill on top of it? What are my chances of getting pregnant now anyway with both pills in my system? I was panicking so I took it, so any side effects are my fault and honestly I'm fully expecting some type of sickness to come with the high amount of hormones I've ingested the last three days with starting my birth control and having to take the Plan B.
Thanks for your help.
The Answer
Take a deep breath.
Ovulation is not an exact science. It's entirely possible you didn't ovulate at all. It's possible you did. It's possible that will do so at an unpredictable time due starting the hormonal birth control. You can't know. Nothing online is going to give you perfect answers to your question about what is happening inside your body right now.
The chances of your being pregnant after the condom broke in that way were relatively slim, but if Plan B gave you and your boyfriend more comfort with that risk, then it's just fine to have taken it.
Your next period may be off, or seem different, since your system is facing some sudden changes and that is a normal side-effect of Plan B to have the next period be irregular, but you should just keep taking your normal birth control pills as directed.
If you are worried, talk to your doctor, but there isn't much reason to be worried. Try not to freak yourself out. You made the best decisions you can and managed the risk as well as possible. That's all good.
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The Question
Years ago when I was around the age of 13 going on 14, I was friends with this guy (he was 17). We both had a group of mutual friends, so we camped out one night. Me and him were in the same side of the tent, and he started kissing me, which I was okay with, and we did other stuff, which I was also okay with. Then he asked me if I was a virgin and, of course, I said yes because I was, and I wanted it to stay that way! I told him that I was, and he said ''we won't have sex then'' and I said ''okay''. A few seconds later he put it in anyway, and I had no idea what to do. It took me a while to realise what was happening (I was a virgin, I didn't know what sex felt like!), and when I did I started panicking, I had no idea what to do, I thought it was too late to tell him to stop. So we ended up having sex, and when we eventually finished, I cried myself to sleep, and the next day I rushed home as quick as possible, not telling anyone. And the very next day I felt so ashamed of myself that I did it again, I slept with him, again. I've been beating myself up about it and I take my virginity very seriously, before then I had a purity ring! I started to feel very depressed after that, and I tried to kill myself. Every time I think about it I cringe, panic and cry. How do I stop thinking about it? Did I lose my virginity to him or was he taking advantage of me? Please help!!
The Answer
He raped you. That first time, that is was rape. You didn't consent. You said clearly no, and he did it anyways. He pushed past your 'no' because he didn't want to hear it and he pretend that because you didn't say no over and over again, because you didn't scream and kick, that it wasn't rape. It was rape. He knew you said no, and he ignored that. That is the definition of rape. You may also have been underage as well, but even if you were legally old enough to consent to sex, you didn't consent. You clearly told him you did not want to have sex. Nothing you did, or didn't do, after that meant it was okay for him to ignore your wishes. He raped you.
Maybe the next time you did it you did consent, but that doesn't mean you should hate yourself. You were confused and in pain. Lots of women stay with rapists, or keep dating rapists, or make excuses for rapists and blame themselves for what happened. A lot of time, calling a rape what it is is difficult, because most of the time a person knows their rapist, and probably thinks they are a decent person before the rape. It's a tough and terrible thing to go through. There is no perfect way to respond to it.
You need to speak to a counsellor or therapist. You deserve all the help and support in the world.
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The Question
so in the few last episodes of the first season when Mary Margret was in Jail, what did she do about her teaching career, did she get a sub or something?
From:
Confused
The Answer
If all the children are actually hundreds of years old from a fairytale land, it seems like they could cope without school for a while.
I'm sure they got a decent substitute in.
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The Question
Tl;dr:
Met this guy online. Went on three dates talked to him for a total of 2 months (including dates). And it was PERFECT. Didn't sleep with him. He said he couldn't dedicate time to the relationship so we should call it off but he still really likes hanging with me. Can't stop thinking about him, it's been 2 weeks no communication. Should I text him?
Long version: second date he kissed me. Third date he he'd my hand and we got really coupley really fast. He does work a lot. Goes to work at 8. Gets out around 9. We could only meet up once a week because of his schedule. The last date we went on he said he wanted to hang the following weekend and never contacted me. Then Tuesday he said he was to busy to start something new and it wouldn't be fair because he doesn't have the energy. Though he really liked hanging out with me. I said I understood, but I can't get him off my mind and I haven't talked to him in 2 weeks. Also.... I have a work holiday party coming up I was hoping he would be my date to. But then it all ended. Should I text him!? Or do you think his excuse was just a cop out and he really just lost interest?
The Answer
I think it's best to believe people, and respect what they say to you.
He probably was telling the truth. He probably also lost interest. Most likely, both of those things are true.
Don't text him. Don't put yourself out there for someone who told you straight up they weren't interested. You'll just end up hurt. Try to move on.
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The Question
Me and my bf have been together for 2 years. At the moment he's gone to a different country on a lads weekend to celebrate his 21st.
He's not bothering to keep in contact with me but I feel like I need to make the effort with him when he gets back and do something nice.
However I feel very much like a second option that he values his mates more than me and thought he'd have a better time/celebration with them than me.
His birthday is tommorow but he's upset me so should I even organise anything when he gets home in two days or leave it?
The Answer
In a perfect world, this would be something you'd discuss with him before he left, that you were both on the same page and knowing you were respecting the other wishes and feelings.
Do you want to organize anything? Do you want to celebrate his birthday with him? Are you excited to see him? If not, what do you want to tell him or do?
Really, this is up to you.
Is totally fine for someone to want time with their friends, and sometimes the girlfriend or boyfriend should be left at home. Friends are an important part of a person's life, and you can't expect to have your partner all to yourself all the time.
But that doesn't mean you have to be okay with what happened this weekend. If you want to celebrate with him when he gets back, do that. If you don't, don't do it.
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The Question
I'm 14 years old and I'm in love. The guy is older but we plan on getting married and having all of six kids together. I want to wait until we get married to have sex but he says he's not gonna wait that long. I know he's the one for me and I know that we will work out because I just know, but, the thought of me being a virgin and him not being one just kills me. He's very honest and he told me that he isn't a virgin but I'm scared of being judged. What if I don't do it right? What if he ends up having sex with someone else because I wont give it to him? I'm terrified and I just cant get hurt again right now. I'm sorry this was so long but thank you for your time.
The Answer
If your boyfriend wants to have sex before marriage, and you don't, that is a serious mismatch of values. It's not something to just hope solves itself. It's the kind of thing you must consider ending the relationship over.
Relationship don't work out well when two people have fundamentally different beliefs and values when it comes to sex.
If he has sex with someone else while in a relationship with you, that makes him a cheater. That means he betrayed you. If he can't live without sex, then he has a responsibility to break up with you, not cheat on you.
It's sounds harsh, and of course it feels complicated, but it's actually rather simple. There are lots of people who share your values, if this guy doesn't, then he isn't the right guy.
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The Question
I would really like some assistance with this issue. I have gone around in circles, for a while... and I'm finally starting to come to a conclusion.
So, I met my boyfriend when I was 20. Right now, I'm 24. It took about 9 months to a year for us to become a couple. I had a crush on him for a while... but we were friends. We became a couple on my 21st birthday. I'm turning 25 in about 2 months... so that would be our four year anniversary. A year into the relationship, I made a huge change. I'm not going to get into too much... but basically, I had a huge loss in my family. This prompted me to re-examine myself a lot and make some changes in my life. Some people would say I became less "fun," but the reality is that I just became more mature. I grew up. I realized that my childhood and my time to be immature was over. My definition of fun changed.I fell into a huge depression for some time, and once I came out of it, I had obviously made some changes. I don't really credit these changes to the fact that four years went by. It was just the circumstances of my life during this time. Usually, people grow up together. But, in my case, he has had yet to grow up at all.
My mom started to HATE him about a year into the relationship. Things started to get really heated and she even refused to speak to me until I broke up with him. At the time, I was still living with her, and I came up with a lie. I told her that I had broken up with him and I've been seeing him in secret ever since. I thought that she was just controlling... but that's another question for another day, lol.
The point is, that since them, I've had a lot of time to examine him without my mom's input. I've had over a year to watch him without my mom knowing about it and giving any type of opinion. I had so many reasons to break up with him about a year ago. He was rude, disrespectful, and constantly putting me down. I could have left at any moment and just decided not to speak to him again. But... I didn't. But, of course, those things stayed with me. Now... he has made a complete turn around. He is being super nice, romantic, sweet, and constantly complimenting me. But, compliments don't mean much once you've been kicked to the ground. I just can't stand him. I know that sounds awful. But, it's like... everything about him annoys me. I don't want to write an essay on everything that annoys me and why... but the point is... that it does. I even find myself interested in other guys.
The problem is... I CAN'T break up with him. At one point, I tried, and I became suicidal. And that's not an exaggeration. It was true. I even wrote letters to my family saying goodbye. I read them a few months later and could't believe that I had been in such a dark place at that time. My high school sweetheart really hurt me. I think that was the only guy that I have given my entire heart to. And he shattered it. I guess that I couldn't fathom the fact that I would hurt somebody the same way. I didn't want to be responsible for that kind of pain. So, I would rather suffer and be in an incompatible relationship than break his heart. The reality is that I'm a point in my life where I'm ready to get married. And I don't see this relationship as a marriage. There are a list of things that I want in a marriage relationship, and he barely meets any of those requirements.
I wish that I could just get on a plane and leave the country. Go hide somewhere and not have to face him. I don't want to face him. I don't want to do this. The only thing that I can think of is just not giving him an explanation. Just become really cold and cut the ties, cut the lines of communication. I really can't face anyone with this problem. So, this is where I NEED your help. I need to end a relationship without saying the words. Without facing anyone. Without talking to them. I just can't do it. I don't need to be told to "face my fears." This is deeper than most people can understand. I am afraid to go back to that place where I was suicidal. And that's not exactly a "face your fears" type of situation. That is very serious and whatever prompted those feelings not too long ago, I feel SHOULD be avoided. But, I can't just keep dating him on the down low. Sneaking around town, going somewhere once or twice a week just to "maintain" this relationship.
PLEASE HELP. I WOULD APPRECIATE IT FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY HEART!
The Answer
Get yourself into therapy.
You've done a lot of great work on your own, but if you need support to help you through this breakup (and it'll be hard to turn to your family and friends since you've hidden this relationship from them) a therapist is a very, very good place to turn. They can help support and guide you through the breakup, and help you keep guard against depression during this stressful time.
It's important for you to recognize that the depression you felt last time wasn't all about breaking up with him. There were probably many things that brought you to that dark place - including the secrecy and shame of the relationship. Of course you want to avoid that, but just because it happened last time you tried to break up, doesn't mean it'll happen again. You've continued to change and grow, and your feelings about the wrongness of this relationship have gotten stronger as well. You are not in the same place you were before.
You will have to say some words in order to break up. After that, you can cut off contact and ask him to respect that. You are a human being who is allowed to decide who she speaks too and who she doesn't. You can end all contact with him after you break up with him, but breaking up is going to require some words. And it will hurt him. It always hurt to be broken up with. That isn't something you can stop him from feeling, or help him with. He is going to have to manage his feelings after the breakup on his own - just like you have to manage your own feelings after the breakup.
Really, you already know what you need to say: You want to be with someone you can see yourself marrying, and you don't want to marry him. That's a very simple, very true explanation. Because you don't want this relationship to go forward to the next step, it must end.
You don't need to give him much of an explanation, but you are going to have to say, at least over the phone or in an email, that the relationship is over. He needs to hear that truth from you clearly, or else he will be right to be confused and seeking more contact with him. You have to tell him clearly that it is over, and that you don't want more contact.
How to do that, in a way you can manage, is a good conversation to have with a therapist.
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The Question
My boyfriend and I just started having unprotected sex the 19th of November trying to conceive which at the time I stopped taking my birth control. Usually when I miss a pill I spot and if I don't take another right away I will get my period. I had spotting for a couple of hours but nothing since. Yesterday I was at the doctors office getting treated for a UTI at which point they gave me a pregnancy test that came back negative. My boyfriend and I haven't had sex since about 24 hours before the test was taken. The Doctor said normally the hormones show quickly. What chances do I have that I still could be pregnant? I was heart broken when they told me it was negative.
The Answer
If the doctor did a blood test, it might have been accurate. If they did a urine test then it's much less reliable. Urine tests generally aren't reliable until at least several days after conception. Three days is about the fastest that a urine test can be even somewhat reliable.
Seriously though, you need to calm down. You've been trying for less than 10 days! You haven't even had an entire cycle yet! It's even possible you haven't ovulated yet. It's not terribly likely that you are pregnant already. This anxiety and heart-break isn't going to help you conceive. Chill out and enjoy the process a bit.
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