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Dating while having a friend with benefits?
I am friends with benefits (FWB) with an ex. I know - terrible idea, but I really had trouble letting go after we broke up. He just didn't have feelings for me. Aside from sex, we kiss, cuddle, speak on a daily basis, and spend a lot of time together. From the outside looking in, what we have greatly resembles a relationship.
My FWB is not a jealous person and has actually encouraged me to go out and start dating again - but I have been very hesitant because I do not want to end our relationship. I know that we can obviously just be friends with no physical intimacy, but it will certainly be different not being able to cuddle while we watch TV or kiss him or even just hold hands. I really don't want to let go, for fear that I'll never get our relationship back.
I have finally taken the first step in moving on and am going on a date soon. I don't plan on mentioning this to my FWB as of yet. My date seems like a really nice guy, but I don't want to give up my FWB relationship for someone I have just met. What are the guidelines for dating while I still have a FWB? Is it considered cheating after a first date?
Basically, what is/isn't okay? From my experience, most people are not considered exclusive after a first date, as they may be dating many people to try to figure out who is right for them. Is it wrong to continue my FWB relationship while starting to date? When do I stop? And if you believe I need to end my FWB relationship now, how do I go about doing it in a casual way, without sitting down for a "talk" or being dramatic about it?
Thank you!
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Maybe give some free advice about: Love Life?
Dating or seeing several people at the same time is okay however, it would be best to tell any person you plan to go out on a date with that you are currently dating and seeing others too before you decide which guy to settle on. This way, potential applicants for the role as your 'boyfriend' will know that you haven't already chosen him but theres a chance you may not commit to him. I did this after a divorce before finding my 2nd husband. The men were late 40s into 50s and they were okay with it. Having any kind of other guy on the side, even before making a commitment to one, can be seen as being untruthful by with holding such info but you have every right to do so.
The danger you face is you and another falling in love but you not being able to let go of ex and at the point you become committed to the new guy, you would now be 'cheating on him. I can understand liking the sex part with ex but you need to find a man with whom the sex is just as great or even better plus him being like your best friend. Both scenerios are needed to have a complete healthy, fulfilling relationship. Too many are in relationships where they have only one or the other, a best friend but no sex life, or a sex life but no best friend which can include being always at odds and fighting often.
When I was in between husbands, being very sexual, I didn't want to go without sex and found myself a friend with benefits and from my being honest upfront, he knew this and was okay with it.
If you are ready to let the ex go fully and want some idea's on how to get your heart and mind around that, let me know and I'll try to help.
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There's a lot to be said here but I will start at your main question you have asked...
In my own personal opinion, I don't think it should be a problem with you having a FWB whilst dating. When dating, you are not making any kind of commitment to anyone (or your date). The whole purpose of the dating experience is to meet people and see if you connect. If you however take it to the next step and someone you have been dating is someone you like and decide you both want to become more (become boyfriend/girlfriend and in effect be together) then at that point you will need to put a stop to the FWB because it's at that point you would be cheating on the person you are with. When dating no one is ever limited to date just one person, I have known many who will have a few dates over a few weeks all of which had been planned out and this is nothing bad - as I said a date is nothing more than two people meeting, spending time together and learning about each other to see if they find each other interesting enough to want to go on a date again and learn more of each other. I would not say it is exclusive until both involved have said lets start seeing each other (become a couple).
However, having said this, remaining in a FWB with your ex I personally think is a bad idea. You are clinging onto a relationship that does not exist anymore to the point that even he is telling you to date but you are reluctant because you don't want to destroy this 'relationship' you have with your ex. This relationship is nothing more than a friendship with sex - and I would be willing to bet this is how your ex also sees it. Nothing more, otherwise he would not be encouraging you to date others. In short, I am saying that you are hanging onto a relationship that is one sided - you want something from it that he does not and in clinging onto that you are harming only yourself because you are not allowing yourself to move on.
As for mentioning to your dates about your FWB, I would say quite simply don't. You have no reason or obligation to do so - what you do is your business and not anyone else's.
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It's not unfair to the people you date to continue your FWB.
It is a bit unfair to you, but that's a choice you get to make.
You are clearly self-aware, you know that a FWB relationship isn't going to cut it for you in the long term, and you seem to have accepted that your ex isn't coming back to a real relationship with you. So what you are doing right now isn't so much a happy, balanced FWB, as it is trying to hold on to a relationship that you both know is dead. You are trying to avoid pain of a breakup you know is coming, but it's unlikely it's going to work like that.
That's fine. You can choose that, but here's the thing: If you choose that, it's going to take longer for you to heal from the break-up that you are sort of pretending didn't happen, and it will be harder to build trust and get excited about new potential relationship, because you are currently IN a relationship. You can call it FWB all you like, but you and your ex are performing as though it's a relationship, not as though you are just friends who sometimes have sex. The only thing that isn't 'relationship' about what you and your ex are doing the fact you aren't exclusive.
Is it cheating to keep up a FWB while starting to date someone else? No, it's not cheating, but it is going to be a turn off for some people, especially since your FWB is your most recent ex. You need to accept that just because it's not cheating, doesn't mean a guy you like has to be cool with it. It's not evil or wrong for some guy to hear about your choices with your ex and decide you aren't the girl for them.
When you MUST disclose is before there is ANY sexual contact with a new person. You also need to tell you ex, before there is any sexual contact with this new date. They have the right to be explicitly told that you are not sexually exclusive. Most people—very fairly—assume that once you start having sex with them you aren't having sex with anyone else. And yeah, it's gonna be a "Talk" because that is what sexual health and basic respect is. If you want to have sex with more than one person on the regular, you must get comfortable with frank, serious talks. If you try to be causal about that, you'll end up being confusing and disrespectful. You need to be serious, and honest and frank, and yup, it might be dramatic.
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