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Still attracted to someone who is bad news
There's a guy I dated a few times who I thought I liked but it turns out it's just attraction and fun (something that is missing in my life). We hang out in the same social circle sometimes and tonight a few of us got together and he was there. We went to a bar and he met up with this girl, whom prior to this he and two of my friends were saying is really dumb and other mean stuff. Meanwhile I'm just sitting there feeling totally awkward and honestly very hurt. I'm supposed to just sit there and be totally ok with it? Clearly this guy is a douchebag and doesn't know how to treat a woman right? Please tell me yes, because if I have to feel for one more second like I'm overreacting I'll go crazy. Please don't tell me that a man has the "right" to be totally insensitive to a woman he's dated before by totally failing to acknowledge her feelings in a situation like this. I still feel attracted to him and like I want him really badly and I honestly don't know how to get over it. How can I fall so hard for someone who does such shitty things? And doesn't treat women with the respect they deserve? Why can't my values dictate my feelings?
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Secretwinkie was right that people have a tendency to like what's bad for them. Perhaps if I explain a possible reason why that happens, it may help you to move beyond this place because I agree with you, he sounds like a douche bag. First, you don't discuss past relationships when out with another girl you have dated or are dating. That is insensitive and frankly...bad manners. It is also true that whenever a person is comfortable enough with you to be their real self and show this kind of stuff, you can bet that there is lots more of this type of behavior and possibly worse buried deep inside just waiting for the right moment to erupt and burst out.
So heres how I see things. We all have a subconscious mind. The subconscious mind is witnessing you watching a sad movie. Your conscious mind realizes it is a made up story, and its just actors but your subconscious reacts with emotions and so you cry. I am saying this so you understand that the subconscious mind is where all our emotions reside and flow out from. That isn't a bad thing unless a person has a conscious and subconscious (SC) that are at odds with each other, always fighting each other, or the subconscious as in myself acts sometimes more like a little child. I have heard of people who believe in the fact we have an inner child. My opinion is that the inner child is ones SC. Another thing you nned to know is that the SC acts often like a child and so is easily scared, makes reckless decisions sometimes and sees the conscious mind as being in the parent role and wanting to please the parent. And so, the SC takes it upon itself to try to make what you wish for come true. The bad thing is often the SC interprets what thoughts you dwell on most, even if its a bad person or bad events, that focusing your thoughts on him so much mean you really still want him, just as he is. It also recognizes your want for attraction and fun which it realizes is missing in your life and being like the child it acts as, perhaps has interpreted his behavior, as a possible means of bringing some adventure and fun into your life.
In this instance, you can understand that right now the values of your conscious mind are at odds with what your SC thinks is the answer to your desires. You do know better. So, while it may feel silly at first, I suggest you start talking to your sub. See it like another person, just inside you. Its not a split personality thing so don't worry. But i've found it often helps talking to my subconscious aloud, trying to explain things to it, like when I had to explain things to my kids when they were little.
When I met my 2nd husband, he was a person who had studied the subconscious much and to him it was a given that it existed inside like a totally separate person with its own name. So he asked me what the name of mine was and I sputtered, How would I know that? But instantly in my conscious mind an indignant sounding voice said, " My name is Betty!" (not the real name) But ever since then I address her (my SC) by that name. I acknowledge her trying to help me get things I want but explain that even though i have feelings for a person or cravings for a food, that Its not good for me, for us and so I need to stop going there and ask her to help me stop having feelings for a person for example and she will cooperate and follow through. It may take some time to gain the ability to get your two minds cooperating together and may not work with just a few reminders. Remember, its like training a child and your SC may forget at times and need to be reminded of the goal. I know I probably sound crazy but this works great for my husband and I. I hope it works for you dear.
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If our values could dictate our feelings, Advicenators wouldn't exist. There'd be no love songs, and no poetry. Unfortunately, many of our issues come from the fact that, for the most part, we cannot control our feelings! It's just part of the human experience.
You are definitely not overreacting. However, he probably just doesn't realize that he is being insensitive; I hate to say this, but the truth is that you and your feelings were probably not in his realm of thought. It's very inconsiderate, but he does not know how you feel, and the best way to prevent this sort of thing in the future is to make your feelings known. A simple statement such as, "I felt really hurt when you met up with that girl right in front of me. It felt really awkward and uncomfortable for me, because we used to date. I'd really like it if that sort of thing didn't happen again." Keep calm and don't attack him - even if he deserves it.
Unfortunately, people have a tendency to like what's bad for them. You clearly understand that he is not good for you and that you are better off without him, and that's really admirable. What you need to do is tell yourself that he does not measure up to your values or standards, and that you do not need him to complete you emotionally - in fact, he will only make you feel worse. You know this. And, to make things easier, you need to do whatever it takes to help reduce your feelings; avoid him if you must, block him on social media if you have to, don't speak to him, etc. Whatever it is, as hard as it may be, love and honor yourself enough to do it. You'll thank yourself later!
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