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Why does dating suck?
Why does dating always have to be such a negative experience? I've never had a boyfriend and haven't had much experience dating because every time it sucks. It crushes my heart and soul in some way and I always end up disappointed or disgusted, by guys who treat me like shit. My mom says "dating is supposed to be fun and at your age (24) you should be dating a lot of people at once." Yeah I wish. That would be nice, for it to be just fun and that's it. Unfortunately, after going out and/or making out with a guy, what follows is debilitating sadness and disappointment. And cynicism. It is just never "fun." It's never a good experience. How am I going to reach the "destination" of having a good, trustworthy boyfriend, if the process of finding it is so painful and unenjoyable? Is this normal?
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What do you really want? A long term or short term boyfriend, or are you looking for the love of your life to spend the rest of your life with, married or not. MsCece is right that dating is merely a way to get to know a persons potential of being the right person for you to marry and settle down with.
If you have never had a boyfriend, there must be something that is repeling them or not attractive to guys at this age. I am not talking about your looks as I know there are plainer looking girls, even with totally flat chests who have boyfriends who love them just as they are. So if it really isn't looks that determine getting a guy to notice you and want to spend time with you, it must be something else. I can only guess as I don't know you. Shyness, or social anxiety can effect attracting a BF, low self confidence is a definite killer to relationships, even to attracting but girlfriends. Did you have lots of friends in HS as a teen. If you were popular enough then, perhaps its not self confidence. I really dont know hon. If you go out with a guy and on first or 2nd date have sex, thats too soon for 99% of people to having feelings for each other. Sex then is not the wonderful warm cuddling, exciting experience and there is often a let down feeling of disappointment after, cus it was only just a sex act to relieve someones sexual urges. I am not against two people if so very attracted to each other having sex early on, I've done the same but you can't place any expectations on sex helping you to snare a boyfriend.Women want to experience a certain emotional closeness before sex, while men view sex as a route to this closeness. Woman regard sex as both an accompaniment to a strong relationship and a method of securing that relationship in the first place. For men, its a physical act that can lead to an emotional bond but they often seek sex just for the sake of sex. For women, the emotional bond is tied into the physical act so they have difficulty seeing the two separately and thus have the hard time with still feeling love for a guy who mistreats them or broke up with them.
One Night Stands: involves maximum excitement and minimum commitment. Men are more interested in them than women because they are better at separating sex and emotion than women are. Therefore after a one-nighter with a guy the female is left wondering what their encounter meant or where it will go from here, believing there must be more to it than just sex at the spur of the moment.
How much have you read or studied about the do's and don't for dating and relationships? If you haven't, it's time to start. When you wanted to drive a car, you didnt just grab the keys and go sit in one and try to start driving, you had to take driving lessons. You had to learn something first before you could be a good and confident driver. Well, there unfortunately aren't any classes one can take like 'Relationships 101' so you need to study all you can get your hands on. Theres lots of stuff on You tube.
Something that might help you is to write a list describing yourself, much like selling yourself at a job interview only this is for attracting a serious boyfriend. If you don't want short term only social and sex minded boyfriends but want someone willing to commit to you for life, then you need to narrow things down. Just hoping to run into someone or a friend introduce you to someone is like looking for a needle in a haystack. It is a long tedious and frustrating process so I assume that is what you are doing. Using a dating site can speed things up but then again, you need to have some skills at being able to pick up on warning signs just based from what they write and how they talk when you phone each other. I used such a site to find my 2nd husband after a divorce. I wanted to long term commitment type of guy. I wrote to them a clear concise list of what I was like, including not just my strengths but weaknesses. I didn't hide anything cus if a man didn't like what he saw and it scared him away, then good, I wanted a strong man confident in his own skin, of his own masculinity and a mature man who didn't just assume stuff but was willing to fully check out a situation. I also made a list of what I was looking for in a guy and criteria they must meet to date me. I am allergic to cigarette smoke so I wrote Must be non smoker. Who wouldn't believe how many nice seeming guys passed the test by writing and by phone only to meet me in person and there they are smoking and their excuse always was, "I didn't tell you because I wanted you to meet me because that way you might like me and it wont be so important that I smoke. That reasoning means, they expected me to settle for less. That was the man trying to take control of the situation. I ended things on the first meet up, usually a coffee shop. Even if you never use a dating site, having these lists that you go over several times a week if not daily will drill into you what you are really looking for, and then you go after the guy and dont wait for them to come to you. My 2nd husband had his profile turned off so I couldn't find it in a search but he read mine and wrote to me and his was the only message that ever stood out from all those hundreds I'd seen before. I had a feeling he was special and we chatted immediately by phone meeting a week later. You may have high standards but in a good way, not willing to settle for less. And often in the 20s, guys haven't matured enough to know what they want in a girl or are unable to recognize a gal as a jewel. So it may be that you need to start looking at guys aged 30, to 31. If you have more info for me, or something I mentioned brought up more questions, let me know by going to my column and writing me from there.
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I feel like you need to reevaluate your motives for having a boyfriend. The purpose of dating is for a long term relationship that will result in marriage. If you just want a temporary relationship for the purpose of some short term satisfaction then usually those relationships will end badly or cause emotions of sadness or confusion. Dating is indeed suppose to be fun and yes every relationship has its rocky moments but overall it shouldn't be dragging you down. I don't think it is normal for HEALTHY relationships to cause pain and sadness but I do however think it is normal for UNHEALTHY relationships to cause pain or sadness. So I think you need to step back and look at what type of relationship you may be getting into and see if it looks like an unhealthy short term relationship or a healthy long term relationship that will ultimately lead to marriage.
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