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I can't stand my boyfriend
I would really like some assistance with this issue. I have gone around in circles, for a while... and I'm finally starting to come to a conclusion.
So, I met my boyfriend when I was 20. Right now, I'm 24. It took about 9 months to a year for us to become a couple. I had a crush on him for a while... but we were friends. We became a couple on my 21st birthday. I'm turning 25 in about 2 months... so that would be our four year anniversary. A year into the relationship, I made a huge change. I'm not going to get into too much... but basically, I had a huge loss in my family. This prompted me to re-examine myself a lot and make some changes in my life. Some people would say I became less "fun," but the reality is that I just became more mature. I grew up. I realized that my childhood and my time to be immature was over. My definition of fun changed.I fell into a huge depression for some time, and once I came out of it, I had obviously made some changes. I don't really credit these changes to the fact that four years went by. It was just the circumstances of my life during this time. Usually, people grow up together. But, in my case, he has had yet to grow up at all.
My mom started to HATE him about a year into the relationship. Things started to get really heated and she even refused to speak to me until I broke up with him. At the time, I was still living with her, and I came up with a lie. I told her that I had broken up with him and I've been seeing him in secret ever since. I thought that she was just controlling... but that's another question for another day, lol.
The point is, that since them, I've had a lot of time to examine him without my mom's input. I've had over a year to watch him without my mom knowing about it and giving any type of opinion. I had so many reasons to break up with him about a year ago. He was rude, disrespectful, and constantly putting me down. I could have left at any moment and just decided not to speak to him again. But... I didn't. But, of course, those things stayed with me. Now... he has made a complete turn around. He is being super nice, romantic, sweet, and constantly complimenting me. But, compliments don't mean much once you've been kicked to the ground. I just can't stand him. I know that sounds awful. But, it's like... everything about him annoys me. I don't want to write an essay on everything that annoys me and why... but the point is... that it does. I even find myself interested in other guys.
The problem is... I CAN'T break up with him. At one point, I tried, and I became suicidal. And that's not an exaggeration. It was true. I even wrote letters to my family saying goodbye. I read them a few months later and could't believe that I had been in such a dark place at that time. My high school sweetheart really hurt me. I think that was the only guy that I have given my entire heart to. And he shattered it. I guess that I couldn't fathom the fact that I would hurt somebody the same way. I didn't want to be responsible for that kind of pain. So, I would rather suffer and be in an incompatible relationship than break his heart. The reality is that I'm a point in my life where I'm ready to get married. And I don't see this relationship as a marriage. There are a list of things that I want in a marriage relationship, and he barely meets any of those requirements.
I wish that I could just get on a plane and leave the country. Go hide somewhere and not have to face him. I don't want to face him. I don't want to do this. The only thing that I can think of is just not giving him an explanation. Just become really cold and cut the ties, cut the lines of communication. I really can't face anyone with this problem. So, this is where I NEED your help. I need to end a relationship without saying the words. Without facing anyone. Without talking to them. I just can't do it. I don't need to be told to "face my fears." This is deeper than most people can understand. I am afraid to go back to that place where I was suicidal. And that's not exactly a "face your fears" type of situation. That is very serious and whatever prompted those feelings not too long ago, I feel SHOULD be avoided. But, I can't just keep dating him on the down low. Sneaking around town, going somewhere once or twice a week just to "maintain" this relationship.
PLEASE HELP. I WOULD APPRECIATE IT FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY HEART!
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I agree with the other advicegiver. She mentioned talking to him as a friend and thats the point at which I feel I must add something.
If I understand correctly, you and he made a commitment on your 21st birthday to each other to become a couple and its that commitment you have an issue breaking. Heres a few views of mine of relationships and breaking up.
Dating is first and foremost a way to further investigate and explore a person you are interested in to see if you both make a good match. At the time, you did so you did the next step and made a commitment. What you mention of personal choices and growth that take you in a different direction as to how you view and live your life can create a chasm between two people that can't be bridged. It is one of the most natural reasons and a good one for splitting up. You are wise to have even acknowledged this occured as many don't.
The best long term or life long relationships such as marriage for example have a need for two things to have a solid foundation. one is being the best of friends, and the other is to have chemistry sexually. It is likely that fact of his friendship that makes it hard for you to part ways and ask that of him. But even though you made a commitment, life can bring changes where a commitment must end. Sometimes we even get caught up in speaking vows that we don't know we might not be able to keep in the future as we can't see the future. So breaking a commitment like a marriage vow to stay together 'until death do us part' isn't the most perfect vow a person can make. The best is, I will remain with you for as long as I am in love with you.
And on that point, I will share a bit of my history to make another point. You mentioned the hurt of feeling kicked to the ground by him in the past and how just words he speaks are not enough to repair and fix it. I know. I was in a verbally abusive marriage to a man in the church. I did love him in the beginning but about the 4th to 5th year, I was losing my respect and love for him, the kind of love for a spouse. I still cared about him as a person and stayed for the kids sake. what I found is that tho there was the honeymoon cycle of kiss and make up after each time he treated me bad which happened over and over, the period of times he treated me well got shorter and the bad times longer. The stress of it on me had to go somewhere and I suffered all sorts of stress induced ailments physically. While not the same scenerio, the stress will be there for you, stress of knowing how you feel or rather lack of the same feeling as before and not mentioning it to him.
It really comes down to a different way of you looking at the situation, your thoughts on it need to change so you can do so without fearing guilt. It's guilt you are trying to avoid, the guilt of hurting him.
Well, as already mentioned, there are always changes, unexpected ones that occur in ones life that aren't due to a relationship, let go from or rejected as a job applicant for one and that hurts too. We can not erase such things ever happening. Heres how to look at it so you can go through with telling him in the way the other advicegiver mentioned. First, you don't want to hurt his feelings. So lets imagine you dont tell him, you stay with him intending forever even tho he's not husband or father material. You have a couple kids. He is still immature and you grow to resent him even though you chose to stay. Your feelings grow even colder towards him, finding ways to be so busy else where that you rarely see him. He on the other hand should be happy cus you married him, right? Put yourself in his shoes. From this point on, all he knows if that even tho you married him, you grew colder and more distant and he has no clue. All he can imagine is that you are having an affair and thats why you no longer love him. He can't shake that feeling so you finally tell him whats going on. Now the poor guy will be hurt even worse knowing that you strung him along into a loveless marriage, wasting a chunk of his life where he could have been free to find someone even better for him. He may not be only hurt but very angry with you and want a divorce on the spot and now the kids will suffer. This is not some imaginary silly story. This happens all the time to those who stay together long term as a couple or marry under the assumption by ones partner that they are genuinely loved in return. He is going to be hurt whether you break up now, and he will hurt and bed angry later if you chicken out and it comes to a head later. I dont know how many people I've talked to who are both miserable with each other but wont break up because they are best friends, just not happy sexually, so both start having affairs on the side and eventually come to the point of wanting out of their original marriage to be with the new person they're happy with but they dont know how to or have fears that it is wrong because of the vows they made when getting married. People often drift apart. If its due to neglecting each other, couple therapy can help. If its due to one or both changing to where they later are no longer a good match, then they need to split up cus therapy won't help.
If he's the explosive, reactive, anger problem type, then I can understand not wanting to tell him face to face so break the news to him via a letter...but you will have to speak to him eventually cus a break up only via letter with no talking to is a very cold way and much more painful to a person. Some pain in life is avoidable, like the sting of a needle to get a much needed vaccine. If you attempt to go thru life not wanting to rock others boats, but keeping your feelings to yourself because you are a 'nice' person, then you risk developing anxieties because you haven't been true to yourself and this is often how anxieties and depression start, from brushing your own feelings under the rug and putting everyone elses feelings at higher importance than your own. If you don't believe my last statement, I encourage you to read, "When Anxiety Attacks" by David D. Burns.
I wish you well but you can't ignore your own feelings and happiness here.
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Wow, well first let me just say after reading this that im very proud of you that you have made the strides you have and you even managed to outgrow your own boyfriend! You sound like your above average, and have become very self aware of your life and the people in it.
I think its great that your also considering how your family would take it if you were to tell them about the relationship. that is very considerate of you and something alot of people dont even care about. You clearly care about other peoples feelings and thats major. Good for you. ; )
Next, i want to address something else. There are lots of people who have problem with confrontation or possible confrontation/ friction with others. Heres the thing about that. I order to completely consider peoples feelings other than your own like youve done, you also have to accept the possibility that there WILL be points in time where there will be friction, even if you caused it. Sorry dear, but it just comes with the territory in ANY relationship you have with ANYONE....EVER. and your job as an adult is to consider those feelings other people have and to try to help manage them based on what youve said and done.
Only YOU know your boyfriend, and only YOU can break the news to him that you wish to end things.
You said at one point you were just friends right??
Well "as a friend" you need to calmly sit down and talk to him in private, and tell him that you will "still always care for him" but that your both changing and growing as people and you can always just say you just need some time to keep growing as a person.
Whatever you do STAY calm no matter what his reaction is. Let him vent his feelings, sit there and let him talk and say whatever he feels he needs to say but remember you need to let him talk, he needs to feel like you gave him a chance even if in your head its totally over ok?
Dont ignore and just cut ties with someone. This can really be devastating and at that, make him feel WORSE then you intended because you just cut him off "out of no where". He cant read your mind obviously so your going to need to play the "friend" card and BE that friend you were BEFORE you were a couple.
Remain friendly, yet keep a distance. Over time you can slowly fade away. You contact can be limited to just online and when he does contact you wanting to get back together or something like that, you can say that you already sat down and had a clear convo about all this and that you;d like to remain friends but not if hes going to "cross your boundaries like this" in most peoples eyes, if they really care for you they'll back off because they'd rather have SOME form of you in their life than none at all.
Give him time to adjust to this, and over time encourage him to go out with his own friends without you and do things separately. if he acts sad over you having already made plans with other people act sympathetic and then give him a "hey well why dont you go do this or that with -insert the name of someone else here- who he might have a good time with.
good luck ; )
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Get yourself into therapy.
You've done a lot of great work on your own, but if you need support to help you through this breakup (and it'll be hard to turn to your family and friends since you've hidden this relationship from them) a therapist is a very, very good place to turn. They can help support and guide you through the breakup, and help you keep guard against depression during this stressful time.
It's important for you to recognize that the depression you felt last time wasn't all about breaking up with him. There were probably many things that brought you to that dark place - including the secrecy and shame of the relationship. Of course you want to avoid that, but just because it happened last time you tried to break up, doesn't mean it'll happen again. You've continued to change and grow, and your feelings about the wrongness of this relationship have gotten stronger as well. You are not in the same place you were before.
You will have to say some words in order to break up. After that, you can cut off contact and ask him to respect that. You are a human being who is allowed to decide who she speaks too and who she doesn't. You can end all contact with him after you break up with him, but breaking up is going to require some words. And it will hurt him. It always hurt to be broken up with. That isn't something you can stop him from feeling, or help him with. He is going to have to manage his feelings after the breakup on his own - just like you have to manage your own feelings after the breakup.
Really, you already know what you need to say: You want to be with someone you can see yourself marrying, and you don't want to marry him. That's a very simple, very true explanation. Because you don't want this relationship to go forward to the next step, it must end.
You don't need to give him much of an explanation, but you are going to have to say, at least over the phone or in an email, that the relationship is over. He needs to hear that truth from you clearly, or else he will be right to be confused and seeking more contact with him. You have to tell him clearly that it is over, and that you don't want more contact.
How to do that, in a way you can manage, is a good conversation to have with a therapist.
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